- Joined
- Jan 17, 2019
- Messages
- 774
Holy shit. Where to begin with this doozy.
Sunday I woke up around 12pm after a late Saturday night out with Gold (my housemate if you've been following my journal). I heard him laughing in his room talking on the phone with a chick, and telling her to come around in half an hour. I figured based on what they were saying that this was the stripper he'd banged the previous Monday while working from home. After a couple of minutes I heard, his friend J (who was visiting for the weekend) go into his room. J was an old mate of his - around my height, black, built like a motherfucker with tatts and a beard. A super cool, chill dude.
They started chatting and I overhear Gold convincing him to spitroast this chick together, that "she's totally down for it bro I'm telling you". This piqued my interest (and yeah I wanted in on the action, because why the fuck not), so I got up and went out - "sounds like there's something crazy happening over here".
They both laugh, I recall the events of the previous night to Gold (who got so drunk he didn't remember what happened). Then he starts telling me about the spitroast and telling me to join. "This is going to be fucking hilarious bro, I'm telling you. She'll be here in like 10 minutes, I'll convince her then bring you boys up"
After not much convincing, J and I both agree. J then says he needs a drink, goes and grabs one for all of us. I pop an old viagra pill I had lying around (which might have been expired, hadn't used it in like a year) just in case, then head down and start drinking with J while watching TV.
We have too much, must have had around 3ish in the space of 30 minutes (she was late).
She arrives
Gold comes downstairs and tells us she's here. J and I are sitting on the couch when she walks in - we turn back. She comes over and we both embrace her with a smile. The first thing I notice is she is not nearly as attractive as I remember. Kinda sexy body and cute face but nothing remarkable.
She sits down on a beanbag next to us on the couch and tells Gold "Lets stay here" excitedly but Gold says "Nah, lets head upstairs" and off they go.
After 15 minutes we're chilling there and I check messenger. Gold had messaged us like 10 minutes ago saying to both come up and bring him a drink. He hadn't messaged J and we'd missed it. So we poured some drinks, had one more ourselves and headed up. Even a couple drinks in I was still pretty nervous.
We walk inside and are greeted with Gold completely naked with a condom on, but S (the girl) has her clothes on, which J and I are both surprised about. Immediately I felt something was off. S went for a drink. J then glanced at Gold and took off his pants, and so me, following their lead, did the same.
J and I both sensed this and he covered up with a towel, while I sat down with one of the bedsheets. Gold was standing there still having a great time. S was clearly a bit overwhelmed.
We start playing some music, S chooses some songs that she wants. She starts twerking against Gold who starts playing her ass like a drum. He gets me in on it and I start slapping her ass to the tune of the beat. She's smiling, The boys are loving it.
After a while, she suggests going to the bath:
She then left to go to the bathroom with a vodka. Gold is still just relaxed as all hell.
Gold: Hahaha. She's pretending to be all high and mighty but she wants it dues. Trust me, I'm telling you.
We both believed him. But I knew she needed more comfort with us first. Just because a girl is open to something, doesn't mean when it happens she's going to just jump in without any nerves or without feeling overwhelmed.
We grab more drinks and head to the bath. By this point I was starting to feel quite tipsy already. And when I get tipsy I don't talk as much. We're all inside the bath, S lying on Gold, J and I next to each other. Chilling and chatting but nothing is happening. I don't know where to put my hands so they're just resting on Ss leg.
After a while of nothing Gold suggests heading back to the room. J and I get out and go, but Gold and S stay by chatting intensely.
They both come into the room after a short while at which point S says
Gold is protesting this "nah, come on". S goes outside to the balcony. J follows and they start chatting. I go outside and start chatting with them too, but then S soon after goes back inside to Gold. J heads downstairs.
S went to the bathroom again and Gold and I start chatting.
As I’m saying this, S comes back. She must have seen the genuine look of concern on my face because immediately she felt more comfortable. She comes over, grabs my hand and starts making out. Then goes onto the bed. I follow, and she starts twerking on my naked dick with me slapping her ass. Gold comes up and starts making out with her. He then pulls me in for a double makeout but she pulls back .”Too much!!”
This seems to have crashed her state because again she says “I think I just want to fuck him (Gold).
I tell Gold I’m leaving and head downstairs.
Downstairs, J and I start chatting.
We order Uber Eats, then hear Gold and S fucking upstairs.
J goes in, and I wait. After 5 minutes, I go in. J and Gold are both on top of S making out and fingerbanging her at the same time. Her eyes are closed and she looks to be in pure pleasure. I have no idea wtf to do so go in between her legs and start kissing close to her pussy (their fingers and in the way). She comes and immediately after gets up and looks surprised to see me.
Another state crash. She goes a bit quite.
My stomach sinks but I play it cool. Whatever. Gold starts protesting.
Gold motions for me to go closer to her. In my drunken state I do and she moves further back
I tell Gold I’m leaving. He looks disappointed.
I head outside and lie in my bed staring outside. All the negative thoughts of chicks saying similar things to me “He’s attractive but I just don’t feel it” come flooding back.
I’m lying down when I hear the door open and someone walking downstairs. I can’t stand just lying there so I go downstairs. J is there
I confess that this is a bit of a recurring thing with chicks finding me physically attractive but not wanting to progress much further and then ask him if there’s something about me that’s obvious, that chicks might pick up on.
We heard noises, and S started coming down the stairs. I tried not to let anything show so I smiled and chatted. She asked me if there was any alcohol, I got up and pointed her to where there was some more. I’m not sure how it happened but we start play fighting and wrestling a bit. When I embrace her close she laughs and goes “hahaha, noo too much”
After grabbing the drink she then says “Come back upstairs” enthusiastically.
Ok, things are fluctuating. I’m so confused.
I go up, start drinking. J is there. His food arrives, he heads down. I’m there with Gold. Gold then motions for me to make a move but at this point I’m just staying put not doing anything. I’m too afraid to make a move again.
“I’m just gonna chill here”.
Gold makes out with her, then motions again.
She then pulls my hand and brings me in for a makeout. It ends and I’m sitting there again with the drink in my hand. S gets up and leaves for the bathroom. Gold and I start and he starts lavishing me with praise, maybe cause he sensed I was feeling bad:
S comes back and starts making out with Gold. I say I’m going to get food too. I’m feeling pretty confident things have turned around. I’m drunk as hell right now too. J and I are eating when J hears them fucking upstairs, then he rushes upstairs with me behind him. He gets in and starts fucking S right as I’m next to her. He finishes and leaves.
Gold motions to me again and I come back in, this time a bit harder but S stops me. Another state crash.
Gold protests again but S is firm. Gold is not having it, he motions for me to stay and then leaves the room so just S and I are there. S rolls over asleep. I try to say something to her but she’s not listening.
I give up and leave, heading down to the couch. Gold and J are both there, they look excited when I arrive but I break the news that nothing happened.
J then gets up, goes upstairs. Gold and I chat and he again says that she wants it. In my drunken state I believe him, even though this was iffy from a consential point of view.
I go to my room, and lie down, trying to relax and make myself hard. I hear a commotion in the other room but it dies down. Once I’m fully hard and put on a condom and go in, but Gold and S are passed out in the bed. Don’t know where J is and I am fully out of it. I go back to my room and pass out.
This morning I got up, got into my work clothes. As I’m walking out S sees me in my work gear, looks me up and down with a smile and says “you look dashing”. Then starts asking me questions, what I do for work etc. I make small talk, then she goes back to Golds room while I leave for work.
And thus ends our story.
Closing thoughts:
While I was drunk and emotional at the time at the rejection, I now am not taking things too personally about how things went down. I hold no resentment towards anyone. Would have been nice to get the lay but whatevs
I am bothered by the fact that this seems to be a result of a sticking point that has been notoriously difficult for me to overcome (women finding me physically attractive but not feeling comfortable around me), and which I feel if I solved, the floodgates would open and instead of a bunch of almosts, would finally start seeing consistent action.
I feel like I don’t yet have that core masculine presence that women just automatically feel safe and comfortable around. I feel that part of how I am presenting myself still just puts many women on the defensive and makes them a bit uncomfortable and mistrustful of my intentions.
I notice that me personally, I feel really comfortable around J and Gold. They are both masculine yet non threatening. And they are two of the most positive people I have met. J even said “I’m like, the least likely person to commit suicide ever. I’m just.. positive. But I’m not pushover. I’ll tell girls things as they are. Like, if I’m dumping her cause I find another girl hotter, I’ll tell her that.” I thought that was a bit rough but it’s an insight into the way their minds work.
I feel like they don’t judge me at all, that they’re truly looking out for me. J messaged me saying to chat to him if ever I needed after flying back. Women probably feel this from them, but I suspect many don’t feel that from me.
And perhaps for a reason. I still have many negative thoughts and am fundamentally dissatisfied with where I am in life. I feel like I’m still too preoccupied with myself to really relax and give positive experiences to others. Most of the time at least, not all the time.
Plenty of work to do.
Sunday I woke up around 12pm after a late Saturday night out with Gold (my housemate if you've been following my journal). I heard him laughing in his room talking on the phone with a chick, and telling her to come around in half an hour. I figured based on what they were saying that this was the stripper he'd banged the previous Monday while working from home. After a couple of minutes I heard, his friend J (who was visiting for the weekend) go into his room. J was an old mate of his - around my height, black, built like a motherfucker with tatts and a beard. A super cool, chill dude.
They started chatting and I overhear Gold convincing him to spitroast this chick together, that "she's totally down for it bro I'm telling you". This piqued my interest (and yeah I wanted in on the action, because why the fuck not), so I got up and went out - "sounds like there's something crazy happening over here".
They both laugh, I recall the events of the previous night to Gold (who got so drunk he didn't remember what happened). Then he starts telling me about the spitroast and telling me to join. "This is going to be fucking hilarious bro, I'm telling you. She'll be here in like 10 minutes, I'll convince her then bring you boys up"
After not much convincing, J and I both agree. J then says he needs a drink, goes and grabs one for all of us. I pop an old viagra pill I had lying around (which might have been expired, hadn't used it in like a year) just in case, then head down and start drinking with J while watching TV.
We have too much, must have had around 3ish in the space of 30 minutes (she was late).
She arrives
Gold comes downstairs and tells us she's here. J and I are sitting on the couch when she walks in - we turn back. She comes over and we both embrace her with a smile. The first thing I notice is she is not nearly as attractive as I remember. Kinda sexy body and cute face but nothing remarkable.
She sits down on a beanbag next to us on the couch and tells Gold "Lets stay here" excitedly but Gold says "Nah, lets head upstairs" and off they go.
After 15 minutes we're chilling there and I check messenger. Gold had messaged us like 10 minutes ago saying to both come up and bring him a drink. He hadn't messaged J and we'd missed it. So we poured some drinks, had one more ourselves and headed up. Even a couple drinks in I was still pretty nervous.
We walk inside and are greeted with Gold completely naked with a condom on, but S (the girl) has her clothes on, which J and I are both surprised about. Immediately I felt something was off. S went for a drink. J then glanced at Gold and took off his pants, and so me, following their lead, did the same.
J and I both sensed this and he covered up with a towel, while I sat down with one of the bedsheets. Gold was standing there still having a great time. S was clearly a bit overwhelmed.
We start playing some music, S chooses some songs that she wants. She starts twerking against Gold who starts playing her ass like a drum. He gets me in on it and I start slapping her ass to the tune of the beat. She's smiling, The boys are loving it.
After a while, she suggests going to the bath:
She then left to go to the bathroom with a vodka. Gold is still just relaxed as all hell.
Gold: Hahaha. She's pretending to be all high and mighty but she wants it dues. Trust me, I'm telling you.
We both believed him. But I knew she needed more comfort with us first. Just because a girl is open to something, doesn't mean when it happens she's going to just jump in without any nerves or without feeling overwhelmed.
We grab more drinks and head to the bath. By this point I was starting to feel quite tipsy already. And when I get tipsy I don't talk as much. We're all inside the bath, S lying on Gold, J and I next to each other. Chilling and chatting but nothing is happening. I don't know where to put my hands so they're just resting on Ss leg.
After a while of nothing Gold suggests heading back to the room. J and I get out and go, but Gold and S stay by chatting intensely.
They both come into the room after a short while at which point S says
Gold is protesting this "nah, come on". S goes outside to the balcony. J follows and they start chatting. I go outside and start chatting with them too, but then S soon after goes back inside to Gold. J heads downstairs.
S went to the bathroom again and Gold and I start chatting.
As I’m saying this, S comes back. She must have seen the genuine look of concern on my face because immediately she felt more comfortable. She comes over, grabs my hand and starts making out. Then goes onto the bed. I follow, and she starts twerking on my naked dick with me slapping her ass. Gold comes up and starts making out with her. He then pulls me in for a double makeout but she pulls back .”Too much!!”
This seems to have crashed her state because again she says “I think I just want to fuck him (Gold).
I tell Gold I’m leaving and head downstairs.
Downstairs, J and I start chatting.
We order Uber Eats, then hear Gold and S fucking upstairs.
J goes in, and I wait. After 5 minutes, I go in. J and Gold are both on top of S making out and fingerbanging her at the same time. Her eyes are closed and she looks to be in pure pleasure. I have no idea wtf to do so go in between her legs and start kissing close to her pussy (their fingers and in the way). She comes and immediately after gets up and looks surprised to see me.
Another state crash. She goes a bit quite.
My stomach sinks but I play it cool. Whatever. Gold starts protesting.
Gold motions for me to go closer to her. In my drunken state I do and she moves further back
I tell Gold I’m leaving. He looks disappointed.
I head outside and lie in my bed staring outside. All the negative thoughts of chicks saying similar things to me “He’s attractive but I just don’t feel it” come flooding back.
I’m lying down when I hear the door open and someone walking downstairs. I can’t stand just lying there so I go downstairs. J is there
I confess that this is a bit of a recurring thing with chicks finding me physically attractive but not wanting to progress much further and then ask him if there’s something about me that’s obvious, that chicks might pick up on.
We heard noises, and S started coming down the stairs. I tried not to let anything show so I smiled and chatted. She asked me if there was any alcohol, I got up and pointed her to where there was some more. I’m not sure how it happened but we start play fighting and wrestling a bit. When I embrace her close she laughs and goes “hahaha, noo too much”
After grabbing the drink she then says “Come back upstairs” enthusiastically.
Ok, things are fluctuating. I’m so confused.
I go up, start drinking. J is there. His food arrives, he heads down. I’m there with Gold. Gold then motions for me to make a move but at this point I’m just staying put not doing anything. I’m too afraid to make a move again.
“I’m just gonna chill here”.
Gold makes out with her, then motions again.
She then pulls my hand and brings me in for a makeout. It ends and I’m sitting there again with the drink in my hand. S gets up and leaves for the bathroom. Gold and I start and he starts lavishing me with praise, maybe cause he sensed I was feeling bad:
S comes back and starts making out with Gold. I say I’m going to get food too. I’m feeling pretty confident things have turned around. I’m drunk as hell right now too. J and I are eating when J hears them fucking upstairs, then he rushes upstairs with me behind him. He gets in and starts fucking S right as I’m next to her. He finishes and leaves.
Gold motions to me again and I come back in, this time a bit harder but S stops me. Another state crash.
Gold protests again but S is firm. Gold is not having it, he motions for me to stay and then leaves the room so just S and I are there. S rolls over asleep. I try to say something to her but she’s not listening.
I give up and leave, heading down to the couch. Gold and J are both there, they look excited when I arrive but I break the news that nothing happened.
J then gets up, goes upstairs. Gold and I chat and he again says that she wants it. In my drunken state I believe him, even though this was iffy from a consential point of view.
I go to my room, and lie down, trying to relax and make myself hard. I hear a commotion in the other room but it dies down. Once I’m fully hard and put on a condom and go in, but Gold and S are passed out in the bed. Don’t know where J is and I am fully out of it. I go back to my room and pass out.
This morning I got up, got into my work clothes. As I’m walking out S sees me in my work gear, looks me up and down with a smile and says “you look dashing”. Then starts asking me questions, what I do for work etc. I make small talk, then she goes back to Golds room while I leave for work.
And thus ends our story.
Closing thoughts:
While I was drunk and emotional at the time at the rejection, I now am not taking things too personally about how things went down. I hold no resentment towards anyone. Would have been nice to get the lay but whatevs
I am bothered by the fact that this seems to be a result of a sticking point that has been notoriously difficult for me to overcome (women finding me physically attractive but not feeling comfortable around me), and which I feel if I solved, the floodgates would open and instead of a bunch of almosts, would finally start seeing consistent action.
I feel like I don’t yet have that core masculine presence that women just automatically feel safe and comfortable around. I feel that part of how I am presenting myself still just puts many women on the defensive and makes them a bit uncomfortable and mistrustful of my intentions.
I notice that me personally, I feel really comfortable around J and Gold. They are both masculine yet non threatening. And they are two of the most positive people I have met. J even said “I’m like, the least likely person to commit suicide ever. I’m just.. positive. But I’m not pushover. I’ll tell girls things as they are. Like, if I’m dumping her cause I find another girl hotter, I’ll tell her that.” I thought that was a bit rough but it’s an insight into the way their minds work.
I feel like they don’t judge me at all, that they’re truly looking out for me. J messaged me saying to chat to him if ever I needed after flying back. Women probably feel this from them, but I suspect many don’t feel that from me.
And perhaps for a reason. I still have many negative thoughts and am fundamentally dissatisfied with where I am in life. I feel like I’m still too preoccupied with myself to really relax and give positive experiences to others. Most of the time at least, not all the time.
Plenty of work to do.
Last edited:
