I believe I am high value, that my soul and the truth of my love is all-encompassing and I would be able to make almost any woman my girlfriend if I realized my potential and they saw the light of my being.
Yet I believe other people perceive me as low (social) value, other that I am tryhard, or simply different, foreign. This is evidenced by things I witnessed and what happened to me clear as day in college, the striking truth of racial dynamics and height in the US. I was revealed in no uncertain terms what it means to be in the ingroup and outcasted, and the consequence of being one of the shortest of my Ivy League cohort. Being told and hearing numerous times about the importance of height by women (the amt of times I've seen their brains turn off for the prospect of a tall guy...), being backstabbed by my floor mates who were all from wealthy backgrounds, near 6 ft or more, white and partying late into the night and fucking all the time while I was rejected repeatedly by ugly women, and alienated for simply defending myself, being left behind. They were on an entirely different level of social competence than I could conceive, growing up in a second gen immigrant area where people were much more traditional and simpler. I sheltered myself especially after getting a girlfriend and ultimately focused on my career, believed wholeheartedly that I could find a solution to not fitting into the social frame, or avoid it entirely if my girl was loyal.
I stopped being a bitter a while ago, because a beautiful woman fell into my lap due to my preselection at home in an Asian dominant region of the Bay Area, thanks to COVID causing me to return home. I understood that my persistence had paid off. To her, it seemed I was a natural, but she didn’t know all the pain I suffered trying to push my head into a concrete wall at my prestigious college. I have since I was 18, worn makeup to hide my incurable facial eczema, and lifts. My ex of 4 years said on our first date with some relief, as I was wearing in my (2-3 inch) lifts, I wasn’t sure how tall you were (but you are good enough...), or how soft my skin was (it has since degraded much more due to facial eczema, makeup doesn't hide it as well anymore).
But now alone, I kept her down for several years leading the relationship but she left me at my weakest when I was starting to believe that I could love without tryharding for no doubt some random moron with better natural advantages than me, crazy how I was never in love with her, knew she just got with me because of the preselection, how fragile and unstabale and deceptive she was but knew I didn't want to go back into the abyss, but here I am grinding again. I do find myself thinking like an outcast or an underdog. That my efforts and situation make me superior and that others who are more fortunate than me are kind of irrelevant. But also that it’s hard to make friends because the people I feel most at home with, other Asian introverts, have no social or dating prowess. This feeling that I am behind or I need to overcome sometimes is all-consuming. I fetishize it I guess, often I think damn any girl would be lucky to experience who I am but they are too stupid or silly. But other times I am frustrated that I can’t magically appear cooler or sexier or overcome the limitations of my body.
I wish that I could come from a place of love and belief in true abundance, but it always feels half-hearted, because I guess I am not delusional enough to believe I am the best looking or most magnetic or god's gift. Or I am half heartedly confident in myself but I’m not sure if the girl will think I’m ugly and I’ll have to overcome or compensate for this view. Go under the radar, play dirty. Just like cheating on my exams and college admissions lol. I've cheated all my life because I wasn't as smart as my peers, as gifted... I don't even have the gift of intelligence which is why I was struggling in my SWE job even before she left me. Sometimes I am annoyed by how inconvenient it is to have to do all these things to fix my looks. How it is still incredibly difficult to get fitting clothes and good fashion with my build. Etc.
Why do I have to play dirty to get everything in my life? every single thing...
Basically sometimes I feel like an alien camouflaging himself on a impossible level mission to get laid with a hot girl and somehow get absolute abundance… Like that main character from gattaca... I genuinely believe if I had at least a few x or y natural attributes I would be 100x ahead like my peers in college who could just go to clubs easily and get laid based on ingroup status and looks (or just have to put in a modicum of effort if they were deficient in one area), be able to experimetn and progress in a normal encouraging way, but I’m stuck on stupid bullshit that I can’t get over atm when many idiots don't have these barriers and get girls way more easily but hardly utilize them. With my situation, I can hardly go to clubs, I need to travel and do heavy optimization, lie to women about my height so they go on a date with me and bullshit about my social life, fabricate a persona that fits into one of their archetypes, etc. I even got an iphone recently switching out from android just to make sure the green bubble doesn't fuck me again. Craft a charismatic persona from someone who barely socializes at all...
Like there is a 6 ft normal looking white guy in my old friend group that said he got matches with pretty girls from Stanford back before he got a relationship, free high quality yes girls but completely fumbled them, but this guy is a total beta idiot, been locked to dating this fat 4/10 Asian chick all this time and still trying to get a degree because he’s a complete bumbling idiot while I basically decided to hit the eject button on my career after grinding 300k and my other ambitions to focus entirely on dating.
Don’t get me started on friends that look like me, they are all virgins and think coding and hoping for a lucky encounter with a mediocre girl. None of them are even as short as me at 5’4”
I feel like I’m trying to do something essentially never done before.
)) I only met a few guys my height and Asian doing what I’m trying to do but they are well more natural and charismatic, very good social conditioning but they are all far away plus had to embrace a chaotic lifestyle to achieve it, being socially behind by 10 yrs is definitely a lethal addition to my lack of any natural advantages.
I guess I don't know how to stop feeling like this, I'd rather just be genuinely happy like an ignoramus, I wish I could learn all of these things and do all these things without feeling like a tryhard. I don't feel hateful or resentful, because I do feel lucky at the wins I have achieved so far in this journey, but I do feel that my life is very, very strange.
Yet I believe other people perceive me as low (social) value, other that I am tryhard, or simply different, foreign. This is evidenced by things I witnessed and what happened to me clear as day in college, the striking truth of racial dynamics and height in the US. I was revealed in no uncertain terms what it means to be in the ingroup and outcasted, and the consequence of being one of the shortest of my Ivy League cohort. Being told and hearing numerous times about the importance of height by women (the amt of times I've seen their brains turn off for the prospect of a tall guy...), being backstabbed by my floor mates who were all from wealthy backgrounds, near 6 ft or more, white and partying late into the night and fucking all the time while I was rejected repeatedly by ugly women, and alienated for simply defending myself, being left behind. They were on an entirely different level of social competence than I could conceive, growing up in a second gen immigrant area where people were much more traditional and simpler. I sheltered myself especially after getting a girlfriend and ultimately focused on my career, believed wholeheartedly that I could find a solution to not fitting into the social frame, or avoid it entirely if my girl was loyal.
I stopped being a bitter a while ago, because a beautiful woman fell into my lap due to my preselection at home in an Asian dominant region of the Bay Area, thanks to COVID causing me to return home. I understood that my persistence had paid off. To her, it seemed I was a natural, but she didn’t know all the pain I suffered trying to push my head into a concrete wall at my prestigious college. I have since I was 18, worn makeup to hide my incurable facial eczema, and lifts. My ex of 4 years said on our first date with some relief, as I was wearing in my (2-3 inch) lifts, I wasn’t sure how tall you were (but you are good enough...), or how soft my skin was (it has since degraded much more due to facial eczema, makeup doesn't hide it as well anymore).
But now alone, I kept her down for several years leading the relationship but she left me at my weakest when I was starting to believe that I could love without tryharding for no doubt some random moron with better natural advantages than me, crazy how I was never in love with her, knew she just got with me because of the preselection, how fragile and unstabale and deceptive she was but knew I didn't want to go back into the abyss, but here I am grinding again. I do find myself thinking like an outcast or an underdog. That my efforts and situation make me superior and that others who are more fortunate than me are kind of irrelevant. But also that it’s hard to make friends because the people I feel most at home with, other Asian introverts, have no social or dating prowess. This feeling that I am behind or I need to overcome sometimes is all-consuming. I fetishize it I guess, often I think damn any girl would be lucky to experience who I am but they are too stupid or silly. But other times I am frustrated that I can’t magically appear cooler or sexier or overcome the limitations of my body.
I wish that I could come from a place of love and belief in true abundance, but it always feels half-hearted, because I guess I am not delusional enough to believe I am the best looking or most magnetic or god's gift. Or I am half heartedly confident in myself but I’m not sure if the girl will think I’m ugly and I’ll have to overcome or compensate for this view. Go under the radar, play dirty. Just like cheating on my exams and college admissions lol. I've cheated all my life because I wasn't as smart as my peers, as gifted... I don't even have the gift of intelligence which is why I was struggling in my SWE job even before she left me. Sometimes I am annoyed by how inconvenient it is to have to do all these things to fix my looks. How it is still incredibly difficult to get fitting clothes and good fashion with my build. Etc.
Why do I have to play dirty to get everything in my life? every single thing...
Basically sometimes I feel like an alien camouflaging himself on a impossible level mission to get laid with a hot girl and somehow get absolute abundance… Like that main character from gattaca... I genuinely believe if I had at least a few x or y natural attributes I would be 100x ahead like my peers in college who could just go to clubs easily and get laid based on ingroup status and looks (or just have to put in a modicum of effort if they were deficient in one area), be able to experimetn and progress in a normal encouraging way, but I’m stuck on stupid bullshit that I can’t get over atm when many idiots don't have these barriers and get girls way more easily but hardly utilize them. With my situation, I can hardly go to clubs, I need to travel and do heavy optimization, lie to women about my height so they go on a date with me and bullshit about my social life, fabricate a persona that fits into one of their archetypes, etc. I even got an iphone recently switching out from android just to make sure the green bubble doesn't fuck me again. Craft a charismatic persona from someone who barely socializes at all...
Like there is a 6 ft normal looking white guy in my old friend group that said he got matches with pretty girls from Stanford back before he got a relationship, free high quality yes girls but completely fumbled them, but this guy is a total beta idiot, been locked to dating this fat 4/10 Asian chick all this time and still trying to get a degree because he’s a complete bumbling idiot while I basically decided to hit the eject button on my career after grinding 300k and my other ambitions to focus entirely on dating.
Don’t get me started on friends that look like me, they are all virgins and think coding and hoping for a lucky encounter with a mediocre girl. None of them are even as short as me at 5’4”
I feel like I’m trying to do something essentially never done before.
)) I only met a few guys my height and Asian doing what I’m trying to do but they are well more natural and charismatic, very good social conditioning but they are all far away plus had to embrace a chaotic lifestyle to achieve it, being socially behind by 10 yrs is definitely a lethal addition to my lack of any natural advantages.I guess I don't know how to stop feeling like this, I'd rather just be genuinely happy like an ignoramus, I wish I could learn all of these things and do all these things without feeling like a tryhard. I don't feel hateful or resentful, because I do feel lucky at the wins I have achieved so far in this journey, but I do feel that my life is very, very strange.
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