Issue with sex & my current gf

[ray_zorse]

I am having a bit of trouble getting & staying hard, also a bit of trouble making her come. This is in my specific current relationship.

Issue with the erections is a bit multi faceted,
(1) we're seeing quite a bit of each other, so it's not quite as exciting as it was when the relationship was new
(2) if she comes over 2 days in a row then it appears neither of us is quite as horny on the second day
(3) additionally if I had sex or fapped the previous day, I become a bit anxious I might not be able to perform
(4) we're using condoms, and I think going raw would be more exciting, and also would give more sensitivity
(5) she seems to resist sex quite a lot, initially she was keener, but now says things like, she's tired etc (but still wants to hang out and do couple-ey things, I feel this sets a bad precedent)
(6) I get harder and more excited/in the moment if I do freaky or unexpected things, or be more dominant, but I encounter a shit ton of resistance with this girl, I do persist hard and work through the resistance, and always succeed in gaining at least a token victory before backing off (knowing I will rinse/repeat another day), but this is hard work and takes the fun/spontaneity out of it, also causes me to lose my boner
(7) it's hard to know whether the "hard push" is the right approach, given I always get there it does seem like it is, but I'm considering maybe doing a takeaway from time to time, since I'm getting sick of it
(8) I think all of the above would be easier if I could make her come on demand, but I can't and that frustrates me

Issue with making her come is slightly separate
(1) she really mostly enjoys straight vaginal sex, before meeting me it appears her repertoire involved a lot of humping/dry humping to get horny followed by vaginal sex, I like this but I find it a bit boring
(2) I'm not very good at making girls come through vaginal sex, it basically never happens and I really want to improve this, I have read the adapted missionary article and it's basically what I was already doing before I read it, but my problem seems to be a problem of rhythm -- when I come through vaginal sex I'm basically making slow, deep thrusts (about 1-3 seconds in duration I think) whereas she appears to need more of a pounding, and she needs it sustained... problem is that I find this a bit bothersome and tiresome... I can pound her hard for maybe 5min and it should be sufficient to get her there, but I recently developed the theory that she (not specifically my current gf but speaking generally here) is picking up on the fact that I don't really enjoy it, and I'm doing it for her, and this seems to put her off...????
(3) when I do my normal routine of making her come through oral sex or manual stimulation (or toys though I don't usually get out the toy unless I'm getting freaky)... my current gf seems to enjoy it up to a point and you can hear her getting excited, panting, moaning etc... and then it appears that when she reaches a certain point, her logical brain kicks in and says "this is dirty / not right", and she shuts down

Anyway, she is keen and we enjoy each other's company and get along well... she's great at handjobs and stimulating my nipples, so there are strong upsides to our sex life too. The issue seems to mainly be with her trying new things, and her inability to comply and/or let go and just enjoy the moment. I still want to spend time with her and to improve our sex life,and I don't think this is coming from scarcity. What I observed lately (her resisting sex and saying she's tired etc) seems to be her doing what all women do (testing how strong you are and trying to get the upper hand), but otherwise she isn't manipulative.

What has arisen out of these problems, and my attempts to deal with them and move things forward, is a kind of rough game that we play in which I have to force her to try new things (or indeed to have sex at all, given how it's been recently). While we were wrestling and she was biting and saying she hates me etc lately, I reminded her she has a code word (because she was putting up such a show that it seemed genuine, and she might have forgotten the code word), and she still didn't use it, so I guess this is the strange way she expresses her sex drive? She does appear to have a pretty strong sex drive and to enjoy the game overall. I don't really enjoy the game that much, because it's so hard to get compliance out of her, so I don't really feel that I'm in control most of the time, and recently I also worry about my erection.

What should I do? My focus has switched in the last week or so to getting more women in my life. I think I can keep this current relationship to a level of about 2 meetings per week, and if they aren't on consecutive days then I guess we will be hornier when we do meet. And I'll just persist and try to get her used to things like oral sex and other things I deem essential. That's all I can think of at the moment.

Ray

 

[Smith]

Hey Ray,

I remember a girl I was dating back in Sydney was pretty similar as well. She started to become really resistance to sex every time we hangout, and it felt like she was playing hard to get so every time I have to spend a lot of time seduce her to bed, but there's this one time I pushed too hard and she got angry. Then we had a heart to heart talk on why she was resistant and it was because of her beliefs and her fear of getting knocked up. I was very understanding, and told her my belief about sex. Since then, she stopped resisting and told me I'm the first person she gave bj to, which I found hard to believe given how beautiful she was. Also occasionally seed some funny sexual adventures in your conversation to start get her comfortable thinking about it. I got this girl to give me a bj in the public. Take baby steps.

I'm not very good at making girls come through vaginal sex, it basically never happens and I really want to improve this, I have read the adapted missionary article and it's basically what I was already doing before I read it, but my problem seems to be a problem of rhythm -- when I come through vaginal sex I'm basically making slow, deep thrusts (about 1-3 seconds in duration I think) whereas she appears to need more of a pounding, and she needs it sustained... problem is that I find this a bit bothersome and tiresome... I can pound her hard for maybe 5min and it should be sufficient to get her there, but I recently developed the theory that she (not specifically my current gf but speaking generally here) is picking up on the fact that I don't really enjoy it, and I'm doing it for her, and this seems to put her off...????

There's a chapter in "No more Mr Nice guy" on how some guys can't seem to get the sex life they want. The problem is you trying too hard to please her. What makes sex great for a woman is when the guy is also enjoying it. Believe it or not, you can also seek validation via sex by trying too hard to make her orgasm, i.e. it's like a nice guy trying too hard to please her. Do what makes you happy and what gives you pleasure when you're having sex, and you'll find that she starts to enjoy it too. If you feel like being dominant and want to throw her around. Do it. Also try to enjoy sex without making ejaculation your goal.

Good luck!

 

[ray_zorse]

Thanks man, I think you're right,
(1) trying too hard to please her,
(2) getting in my head a bit.
I did a lot better when I started with this girl, as I really didn't GAF that much, unfortunately got sucked into relationship BS which was really nice and validating for a while, but it's having a bit of of a bad effect on me in terms of the above, need to rediscover my assholeish, selfish vibe. It is interesting though, how a lot of women will have sex with you and then tell you they enjoyed it even if they didn't come and that they don't need to come (if e.g. you try to eat them or finger them after you come)... I figured this was BS, but maybe you're right, they get a fair bit of enjoyment just from seeing you have a good time. This also works in reverse, one of the things that gets me going is when she gets going... and that's why dealing with all this resistance and logical thinking on her part is a bit tiresome, you don't get the feeling she's relaxing into it. Hmm.
Ray

 

[Lotus]

how a lot of women will have sex with you and then tell you they enjoyed it even if they didn't come and that they don't need to come

I'm going to have to agree this is not BS. I think it may have to do with the fact that girls can have multiple orgasms and stay aroused. They don't necessarily define good sex by orgasms because they can have 0 or multiple so its not the end all be all. We however tend to define sex by orgasms beacuse its our end game. If we can't come we are less likely to rate the sex "amazing"

Women do not have that boundary to good sex.... and there are plenty of guys that can't make a girl come