Exes I've done so many things wrong. Is there anything I can do to get her back?

MadeOfMetal

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Hello everyone,
I've been in a relationship awhile and unfortunately stopped reading girlschase like I used to.
We broke up, I want her back, and I probably could have saved myself a lot of trouble by just reading chases article:
But I didn't. I made moves on my own to try to get her back and I've made a lot of mistakes.
A lot of things chases article warns strongly against doing.

Short story is:
It was a ONS that turned LDR when we both realized how much we liked each other.
The girl was flat out convinced I was greatest man she had ever met, sexually or romantically. Worshiped the ground I walked on. (Big thanks to this site for that one).
But I over did my attempt to seem not-desperate, and low effort.
She felt like I didn't feel the same way about her as she did about me, and also we weren't sure if we could handle the distance any longer. I could have committed to moving and fixed this, but didn't really appear to be taking it too seriously.

In chases three categories of her after-breakup emotional states, She was at a #3 "its too soon" and i did stupid stupid things that sent her to what I believe is a #1 "screw you jerk".

On top of this I've committed deadly sins of chasing her, begging, flipflopping, not being a strong man AT ALL. complete 180 from the over aloofness of before.
Throw in social media stalking on top of it all. She's no doubt lost a lot of respect for me.

Now she's telling me to give her space, that she will talk to me when she's ready (probably about a month). and I know (because of my internet stalking) she's talking to dudes on dating apps, and going out bar hopping and clubbing with her friends multiple nights a week.

I know I want her back. I know how good our relationship was. I know what she saw in me after being disappointed by so many men before.
I'm praying you guys can offer me some advice of how I can still salvage this.

Its been 1 week since we last talked.
Do I continue to give her the space while she's drowning herself in attention from other males?
Is there some way I can contact her and something I can say to possibly rectify this?
Am I just completely FUBAR at this point?

Ill reply with the long version of the story below.
 
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MadeOfMetal

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BACK STORY

Basically I lost my virginity to girl in another city at the end of 2019, left quite an impression on her and was trying to keep in touch but avoid her trapping me into a LDR. I asked for advice here, its the only other post in my history if you care to read more.

I followed the great advice I received successfully for awhile. She slept with a few other dudes, and eventually started dating one.
I slept with some other girl that was completely unmemorable. Nothing close to the magic I felt with her.

While I was playing emotionally distant and aloof, one day she texted me out of the blue to tell me I'm the only guy who has ever made her cum.

What are the odds, my first time and I immediately outperformed god-knows-how-many other dudes who came before.

After awhile we talked more and more, and we caught feelings for each other.

I was half of the country away from her and she decided It was worth dumping her local boyfriend for a long distance chance with me.

I had started to feel like she ticked most of the boxes of what I wanted in a woman, and the difference between how I felt with her and the next girl was so severe, I decided it was worth giving the LDR a shot.

Relationship
We dated for 11 months, made a few trips to visit with each other. It was amazing for awhile. She was head over heels for me, super clingy (I didn't mind this too much) and treated me like I was gods-gift to women, and would never shut up about how she was definitely gonna marry me some day, kids blah blah blah. Would write me the sweetest love letters.
In an effort to try to seem like a cool, not clingy, low effort guy, I barely reciprocated this.

Due to our careers, we discussed that I would have to be the one to move to her. It made objective sense.
Although i really did love the time i spent with her, in person, or over the phone/facetime...I wasn't sure I wanted to uproot my life and started giving up and being complacent in our relationship.
She brought up concerns with me that she felt like she was putting so much effort in and I wasn't.
I didn't do much about it. Part of it was I thought I wanted her to dump me, part of it was I blind to how much it was bothering her.

Breakup
She Broke up on me on Sunday August 8th.
It was a very clean breakup. She said she still loved me, but wasn't sure she could stand to continue only being physically together for only 4 weeks out of a year.
I told her I still loved her too and I understood how she felt.
She told me if I ever find myself moving to her state to let her know.
I was being stoic as usual, and she told me shed let me go to process my thoughts alone.
Later that night I texted and asked if she wanted to resume the conversation.
She said I could text her, but she had some work emails to write and couldn't risk a phone call making her start crying.
i told her ill just leave her be for now as i wanted to talk in person.
I already decided I was stupid for trying to be so emotionally distant out of principal, and i wanted her back.

First Mistake
I left her alone for a week. to give her some space, I heard you shouldn't contact exes for at least a month or whatever.
however I kind of started stalking her on snapchat in the meantime.
Saturday August 14th, I saw what looked like a day-long date. she posted a story at some aquarium, then her location moved to some barcade/ pizza place, then on to some very nice condo building where she stayed very late into the night.

I thought for sure she fucked a new guy. and couldn't stand how she could say what she did when we broke up, but move on that fast, especially knowing how much of a disappointment every guy other than me was to her.
I stewed in some combination of anger and self-doubt about my own worth as a man, all Saturday night and the next day Sunday.
I tried to do things to take my own mind off of it. Took a walk, went to the gym. Nothing worked.
I figured I had nothing to lose at this point so I had to call her to find out if she actually dumped me for this guy.
I texted her, not letting on anything. Asked "if we could talk that night, as I felt our last conversation was unfinished."
She didn't even respond just called me almost immediately. Answered the way she always did, like she was happy i called.
I made small talk for awhile, it was nice. then i asked her if really broke up for the distance, she said partially, but also in part because of how low effort i had become.
Then i asked her to give me a "parting-boyfriend review" of sorts, wondering was i really that bad, how could it have been better.
I said i knew some things i could have done better and admitted some regrets in how i handled things.
She said she was finally hearing things she had wanted me to say for a long time.
Then i told her "i have to admit something, i know what you did last night".
"What?"
"Do i really have to say it?"
"Why don't you tell me what you think i was doing"
"sleeping with some rich guy"
She got furious and said things like "that's disgusting. is that how little you think of me?!", " I didn't do that but you know what maybe i should"
She then explained the whole thing involving her hanging out with friends, and there's actually a dance club on top of the building where those expensive condos are.
It all checks out, its true. She was just out dancing with her friends all night.
i apologized. a bit pathetically. Didn't show myself as a strong man in this moment.
I did manage to calm her down. and she forgave me for the accusation, told me she still loves me but she needed space, her life just got really busy with college starting back and working as well as some other things. That she cant handle processing all this right now, and would call me when she was ready.
I know she was ready to get right back together with me until i accused her of that.

SECOND MISTAKE

i tried to give her space, but her comment about "maybe i should" was bothering me.
Now i redownload bumble and use my old conversation with her from when i met her, to start checking her profile to see if things get updated.
Wednesday August 18th, 3 days after our last call, the profile updated.

I knew i had put her into an emotional state, and i knew she would be vulnerable to making a rash decision to hookup with somebody.
But i also knew how good we had it together, and how deep down she knew every hookup besides me was a disappointment.
She asked for space supposedly because of how busy she is, but how can you be too busy to consider things before making a decision, but have plenty of time to chat with guys on bumble and go out clubbing and bar hopping with friends till 5am 3 nights a week.
I felt like i needed to do something to prevent her throwing it all away over my mistake that i was willing to fix.
I changed my main bumble picture to a picture of the 2 of us and messaged her on there.
"If what you said at the end of our call is true, i will give you all the space you need. then when you come back i will do everything to show you i take our future seriously. and i know what i said hurt you, and you probably want to spite me... but dont do this and expect me to wait around as your backup plan incase they disappoint you. If you just miss physical intimacy, i can fly out next weekend or whenever. If someone new is what you really truly want, just say it so I can stop wondering, and i wont bother you again."

She calls me again, angry, saying she's never been so hurt, and did i ever stop to think maybe it was her friends getting her phone and putting her back on bumble to try to push her to move on. And that i was pushing into creepy stalker territory.
says she asked for space and i couldn't even give her 3 days.
I act very emotional, i beg her to forgive me and take me back, and say i know what i did was shitty but ask her to please understand why I'm doing this. I remind her how absolutely secure and trusting of her i was when we were together, that this isn't the normal me.
I'm chasing hard, and offering to move or marry her or do whatever it takes to have her back.

She says she agrees we do have chemistry, but also she can barely recognize the person I've become lately compared to the guy she fell in love with. from the complacency to the neurotic paranoid stalking. And that I've hurt her severely, and its gonna take time to earn her trust back, and that the best thing i can do is focus on my self in order to prove to her that I can stay Mr. Right for long term without reverting to laziness and complacency. That if she gets back into a relationship she needs to be sure there's going to be a ring on her finger at the end of it.

She tells me she kinda just likes trolling the dudes on bumble. which I want to be reassured by, but i know how easy it can be for one guy to catch her in the right mood and it becomes more than that..

She says again, she will call me when she's ready. she cant say when that will be, probably not more than a month, but no guarantees.
and no guarantees on whether we get back at the end of the time.
and no guarantees on whether or not she fucks new dudes in the meantime. "Not saying I will, not saying I wont"
Tells me I'm free to move on or wait, or do whatever I want.
This is the consequences for forcing her to have to think about all this when she's "so busy and not ready"

Says after all my recent actions I'm basically back to square one and competing with every guy in the world.
But idk how I can do anything to compete if I'm forced to be non existent in her life, while other guys get to touch her at the club and chat her up on bumble. Not to mention the guy friends of hers that are in love with her.

If there's still a chance I want to do what ever it takes, ill commit, ill move, I don't care.
 

Mist22

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Any update?

This is well written.

Not the best mentality, but hey we're human :)

You'll most likely get told to meet more women and that oneitis is not how you'll get her back on healthy sustainable terms. Far from it in fact.

On her, in particular, you could try flaunting your life through social media, gaining preselection, stacking personal wins, and becoming a man who in general is more attractive to women.

I don't have anything specific for you though. I haven't been in a legit relationship before. Just reading for now....

But I didn't. I made moves on my own to try to get her back and I've made a lot of mistakes.
A lot of things chases article warns strongly against doing.
I do congratulate you for failing so hard though.

Those articles wouldn't mean much if you didn't have that failure to add perspective. Believe me. None of those LMR articles meant much until I faced it. Literally thought it would be a layup. I basically can relate to all that you have written about those dark days really thinking about your worth. If you should've shown more emotion.

That desperation, fear, urgency, and most potently the scarcity bred out of all of this.

"Everyone Has a Plan Until They Get Punched in the Mouth"​

- Mike Tyson ( I hope so at least. Not fact checking this shit haha)

Many People, myself included, are afraid to really put themselves on the line and get shitted on. They need permission. They ask, ask, ask, and find little time to actually do.

For those who overcome and take the feedback the entire world opens up, albeit sometimes aggressively....violently..... a bit scarily......

Just kidding haha it's not that bad. Also kinda not kidding though. It's all out there.

As it opens up for those people they'll also experience love, progress, kinship, and struggle.

Because, again, it's all out there. Gotta get punched in the mouth sometimes.

It happens.
 

MadeOfMetal

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Any update?

This is well written.

Thanks for replying, Mist.
And thanks for the compliment on my writing, After awhile I suspected people were seeing my wall of text and being like "nope, i dont have time for this" LOL

As for update to the story,
I ended up just leaving her alone completely. After 3 weeks she called me and we talked a few times since then.
She gave me a lot of mixed signals about how she misses me and still loves my dick but also she wants to fuck her coworker but hasnt done it out of respect to me. Would talk a lot about hypothetically us getting back together. Even mentioned some story her friend told her that she wants to tell me but won't because she saving it to tell me "if we got back together".
But in terms of any movement towards that actually happening it was still just "IDK Maybe"

Not the best mentality, but hey we're human :)

You'll most likely get told to meet more women and that oneitis is not how you'll get her back on healthy sustainable terms. Far from it in fact.
You're absolutely right.
My OP was an extension of the same weak mentality that i was admitting to showing towards her.
I wasnt thinking logical.

Even though technically me and her still never reached any conclusion, I know its over.
Even if she agreed to try it again there's too much baggage on both sides now for it to be remotely close to the relationship we had before.

At this point I'm just trying to push my self to meet new women, and keep my mind off her.
Both are still incredible struggles, admittedly...

But I've realized that the fact she used to treat me like I was "gods-gift" isn't a special trait of hers, but rather a testament to my value.
There are other women out there who will treat me similarly.
I became apathetic in the relationship because I thought I could do better. I can. Now its time to actually do it.

Hopefully i'll post some well written Lay Reports before too long... ;)
 

Mist22

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But I've realized that the fact she used to treat me like I was "gods-gift" isn't a special trait of hers, but rather a testament to my value.
There are other women out there who will treat me similarly.
I became apathetic in the relationship because I thought I could do better. I can. Now its time to actually do it.

Hopefully i'll post some well written Lay Reports before too long... ;)
Hell yeah man!

I'm excited for your progress :D
 

Lover

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You pretty much figured it out yourself. The most healthy thing we can do when we go through a breakup like that one is to leave it completely, focus exclusively on other things like work, workout, hobbies, friends, new girls etc.

The best time to make up with an ex is not the first couple of months right after a breakup. It is once we have accepted the breakup and the flaws both parties had in it, then it will be a better time to make up again - considering both parties have not changed completely and are not moderately pissed at each other

There will be plenty of time to deal with an old relationship in the future. It's funny how we think - in the foggy mess - that we should fix things right here and now...
 

Wanderer.o'7

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Dude, I've just gone through something similar. I must've read that article a thousand times after what happened. It doesn't change what's already happened. Your goose is cooked. It's real fucking tough in the moment, but you ain't thinking straight and it's important to remember that.

Lover absolutely hit the nail on the head, best thing we can do after a break up is focus on literally anything else. There'll be another time to revisit things if you still want to in a few months when it's done and you've both had time. A lot of time.

There's nothing more you can do. Shift your focus anywhere else and give it time. After that you might not even want to revisit things, and that's okay. Some would say even good. Depends who you ask, really it's your choice at that point.
 
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