Keeping roommates in line

[Mr.Rob]

I have a question regarding social behavior and my roommate.

My roommate is complying to my requests to keep the house cleaner (wash dirty dishes, throw out old food, clean up spills etc) and I want to know the best way to keep this up.

I had started speaking my mind more directly and we have gotten into some heavy arguments about cleaning. Our most recent debate ended with her saying "I'm not going to clean it just deal with it and I'll get too it when I'm not BUSY!!!"

Then the next morning I wake up and all the dishes are clean.

Today has been the same thing and she washes them immediately which never happens.

I think by dominating the frame she has somewhat submitted to my wishes. For the moment at least. I don't know if she's doing it out of fear or respect but I'm happy either way.

My question is how should I reward her new cleaning behavior or should I reward it at all?

I'm thinking it would be smart to say "hey it's looking good around here thanks Cara."

Something along those lines and then staying in communication when things veer off from her being clean.

Thanks,

-Rob

 

[Thedoctor]

Rob,

I'd approach it like this: "Listen, I think we can agree we both want a clean place, and we both need to chip in and do our part. We can sit down and split up the chores evenly so that it's fair. If you're too busy, then we can split the cost of a maid service and take care of it that way. It's up to you." (The cost actually isn't that bad for a few cleanings a month, which is all you'd really need). Then, tell her if the chores aren't getting done, you'll hire the maid service and add it to the bills at the end of the month.

This prevents you from having to treat her like a child when it comes to chores, which is exhausting and becomes a never-ending battle.

-John

 

[Mr.Rob]

Doc thanks for weighing in.

Unfortunately I don't have the power to add it to the bills at the end of the month as I'm not the landlord. However the maid service idea is not a bad one and something I could talk to my other roommate about (the guy that owns the place) implementing.

Good tip.

 

[Lotus]

I don't see how rewarding her for good behavior could have any negative consequences. As we know, women are emotional. Her doing the dishes was a direct avoidance of bad the bad emotions.

If you only punish her and never reward her she will only associate you with bad feelings rather then the good ones as well.

Mixing in both would essential train her without making her dislike you.

Edit: although you could also argue, not giving her shit about cleaning is a reward in itself.

 

[Rage]

You sound like you're on the right track dude lol; it might sound kinda silly but I think you can kinda use positive reinforcement here like https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JA96Fba-WHk (i don't really watch this show at all I swear lol).

For example when my sister bakes me stuff I tell her "wow these taste really good" (they usually do) and then I spend 10 minutes or so wtching youtube videos with her whcih I typically really wouldn't be spending other wise.

So something like you're doing already would porabbly be what I'd do in your shoes

...

Maybe start giving her gold stars or or walking around with your shirt off more at home or something else like that... Lol

Rage

 

[Mr.Rob]

Mixing in both would essential train her without making her dislike you.

Done and Done

We'll see how it plays out in the long term.

(i don't really watch this show at all I swear lol).

Haha sure

Actually that's a funny concept. I wonder if she'd catch on if I gave her chocolates haha.

or walking around with your shirt off more at home or something else like that... Lol

Haa funny you mention that. I typically don't wear a shirt in general most of the time and she DESPISES it. So perhaps wearing my shirt might suit as better conditioning.

Thanks for weighing in guys.

 

[Thedoctor]

Rob,

I made 2 assumptions in my initial reply:

1) That this was not an isolated incident, but an ongoing problem.

2) That your relationship with her is strictly more of a "roommate" relationship than a "friend" relationship.

First off, I'd say rewarding good behavior is fine, but only if the poor precedent hasn't already been set. If it is an ongoing thing, then it may be difficult to reverse it.

You're not just rewarding her for doing the dishes, you're rewarding her for putting up a fight, then doing the dishes. This means that you'll likely have to continue arguing with her on an ongoing basis in order to get her to do the chores.

If your relationship with her is not very close at all (and she's really just a roommate), then rewarding the behaviour may come off the wrong way. It may even be seen as condescending. Again, this has to do with the type of relationship the two of you have, so use your discretion. If you do decide to pursue this method, make sure you only reward her when she does them on her own accord. Do not reward her following an argument.

If she is just a roommate and not a friend, then cleaning is an expectation, not something to be rewarded. Would you reward her for paying her share of the bills? This is why I mentioned the idea of suggesting the maid service.

-John

 

[Estate]

Rob,

I think you might be over doing it here. She's just a roommate.

When you get into arguements and make demands of roommates you seem to have PUA idea like "Me Alpha. Roommate do as I say!".
You're happy when they comply, but once you leave the room she's texting her friends what a dick her roommate is.

All these ideas of compliance tests are seriously old school PUA and not a great mindset IMO.

Roommate situations are difficult. Everyone has to compromise since no two people have the same idea how to live. I've had several roommates and their idea of clean varied from complete slob to OCD neat freaks. You have to get along by compromising with people in this situation. Not trying to be dominant or alpha. That's a quick way to making a living situation very awkward and have people talking behind your back what a douche you're being.

If you both are VERY incompatible. It's best to run out your lease and find a new roommate elsewhere.

 

[Mr.Rob]

Estate thanks for the reply. I definitely resonate with this:

you seem to have PUA idea like "Me Alpha. Roommate do as I say!".

This is yes and no here. Yes in that I'm coming from that mindframe but no in that's not where I was originally coming from.

This started with us agreeing to speak our minds more frequently and candidly which then transgressed into arguments, which I don't think are necessarily bad. You get the emotion out and then start with a fresh slate and adjust from there.

However the last argument I never commanded her to be clean but I simply expressed my thoughts on the subject, called her out on her weak excuses, and gave my candid thoughts on being dirty. I didn't expect anything to change but she ended up submitting to my desires oddly enough which really surprised me.

So from there I simply wanted to keep that behavior in place. However I do feel like somewhat of a dictator now and I need to address that and get to a healthier house hold.

Thanks for pointing that out.

 

[Aquila]

However the last argument I never commanded her to be clean but I simply expressed my thoughts on the subject, called her out on her weak excuses, and gave my candid thoughts on being dirty. I didn't expect anything to change but she ended up submitting to my desires oddly enough which really surprised me.

Hard to tell without observing the interactions first hand. However I don't see this as "ended up submitting to my desires" at all, it could be that she felt bad about it after you made a scene about it.

It certainly has happened to me before, I probably neglected the feelings of some of my friends (usually some girls who had a crush on me, but I'm not interested in them), and after them making a scene, I'd feel bad and do some "nice" things to make them happy again.

I don't see this as "submitting to their desires" at all, just the guilt of not being sensitive towards other people's feelings, in fact one can even argue that the person doing the "nice" things is the one in power position, since he is taking care of the feelings of those who complained. And in this case, your roommate could be the one taking care of your feelings after your complaints.