FR Kisses on first date - "lack of respect"

[Sam]

Hello gentlemen,

I had an unsuccessful first date which wasn't turned into a second date for reasons unclear to me. Maybe you could help me understand.

Background: Last Saturday I enter a club. I see a cute girl among 4 others. I go talk to her for 5 minutes. I ask her out. She says "yes". We exchange numbers. On Monday I call her. She picks up immediately and she tells me she is free on Wednesday. Wednesday we meet for a drink.

Date: Conversation through which we found several commonalities, light touching on her neck, leg, and back and kisses. She says she doesn't feel comfortable. I just ignore it and propose her "a wonderful view". She says "where?". I say "You ruin my surprise, but it is the view of my huge balcony". She says "No way". I say "I don't insist. Let's move because I work tomorrow". Goodnight kisses. I say "I enjoyed your company". She says "Me too, but not all girls are the same". (no idea why she said it)

Next day: I thought to date compress. So, I call her to provide comfort and show I am "here". She didn't pick up.

Today, Saturday: the following text messages were exchanged:

Me: "Hey miss, how is everything? Shall we grab a cup of coffee?"

Her: "I was just now for coffee and I am leaving"

Me: "As I said, I enjoyed your company and want to know you better, but only if it is mutual"

Her: "I personally did not feel comfortable and there is no point in continuing this"

Me: "I didn't see anything happening against your own will"

Her: "The way you put it you might be right, but it is important for me to feel at ease from the very start"

Me: "I prefer being overly bold, rather than not bold at all. Maybe you would feel at ease will all the average men who are are afraid to say hi to you"

Her: "I totally agree with you...but boldness should be accompanied by respect. Everything in moderation!" (no idea where moderation was lost)

Me: "We have completely different experiences. What is lack of respect for you, it is a compliment for other women. No hard feelings. Bye"

What do you make out of it? Is it possible that she is THAT inexperienced? She is 28 years old....

 

[Richard]

She says she doesn't feel comfortable. I just ignore it and propose her "a wonderful view".

If I had to peg a point where things started to go south, it was here. When a woman explicitly says she's uncomfortable that is when you take a few steps back instead of pushing forward. At this point you should backtrack and try a new approach, she wasn't responding well so don't continue with the routine you were using.

She says "Me too, but not all girls are the same"

At this point, she's implicitly calling it quits with you because she saw you pushing forward when she said she was uncomfortable, leading her to believe that you don't value her, and that you don't respect her.

Think about it, if you felt uncomfortable about something. Let's say a creepy clown was in your face asking ridiculous questions, and you basically tell him to back up! but he gets even closer instead, and keeps asking ridiculous questions, how would you react?

Me: "Hey miss, how is everything? Shall we grab a cup of coffee?"

Her: "I was just now for coffee and I am leaving"

Me: "As I said, I enjoyed your company and want to know you better, but only if it is mutual"

Her: "I personally did not feel comfortable and there is no point in continuing this"

Me: "I didn't see anything happening against your own will"

Her: "The way you put it you might be right, but it is important for me to feel at ease from the very start"

Me: "I prefer being overly bold, rather than not bold at all. Maybe you would feel at ease will all the average men who are are afraid to say hi to you"

Her: "I totally agree with you...but boldness should be accompanied by respect. Everything in moderation!" (no idea where moderation was lost)

Me: "We have completely different experiences. What is lack of respect for you, it is a compliment for other women. No hard feelings. Bye"

She's definitely done with you, bro. It's not that she's inexperienced, it's the fact that she wasn't willing to move incredibly fast with you, but you persisted against her uncomfort causing her to feel more uncomfortable, and she's completely auto-rejected you.

But, the way it sounds is, she wasn't looking for a casual sex relationship, and was pretty serious about looking for a relationship, and you didn't live up to her expectations. It's not a matter of experience, it's a matter of expectations.

All in all, you should've backtracked when she said she was uncomfortable to ease the tension she felt and tried a new approach to loosen her up. Then, it was a bad idea to date compress after a bad first date, you should've given her some radio silence for a few days, and texted her a couple days later.

-Richard

 

[Sam]

So, "move faster" is not always the ideal recipe to go. That was my point...

 

[Laowai]

True, you triggered her anti-slut defence. "Not all girls are the same" means "I'm not one of those 'cheap sluts' that you can just pick up in a bar".

I say "You ruin my surprise, but it is the view of my huge balcony"

I guess that the balcony leads directly back into your bedroom? I'll bet that she thought so too. Be more subtle by seeding at least two awesome things that she HAS to see at your place which are completely unrelated to sex and which you can use as an excuse for getting her back to your place.

she says she doesn't feel comfortable.

Whenever a girl gets to the point that she has to verbalize not being comfortable, it's a red flag. You should have noticed the more subtle non-verbal signs of her discomfort before reaching this point.

When she talks about you not respecting her, it also means that it's because you don't understand her / are not enough attentive enough to her feelings.

"move faster" is not always the ideal recipe to go. That was my point...

Yeap. In my experience, moving as fast as possible has only backfired hard, with me losing the girls. Ah, poor me : ( You must rather be flexible.

Let's say a creepy clown was in your face asking ridiculous questions, and you basically tell him to back up! but he gets even closer instead, and keeps asking ridiculous questions, how would you react?

If the creepy clown is hot and has a red nose, I'd bang it!

 

[Franco]

Sam,

So, "move faster" is not always the ideal recipe to go. That was my point...

I really don't think this was the case here. The recipe is almost always move faster, but you also need to move smoothly as well. There was no natural flow to your date. If a girl mentions that she feels uncomfortable, then that means you fudged something up earlier in the date that made her feel that way. This might have had to do with the way you were touching her when she wasn't ready for it, or it may have had to do with a lack of connection during the conversation. A girl has to be sexually excited by your vibe and presence before she'll feel comfortable having you physically escalate with her, especially in public. If you try to engage in heavy kino before she's ready, she's going to feel uncomfortable with it. And as Zphix mentioned, instead of pulling back when she mentioned she was uncomfortable, you continued to push forward and make her feel even more uncomfortable with moving things forward.

Move faster is almost always the answer, but if you don't know to move fast properly, then you're going to hit walls that will prevent you from moving forward at all, just like if you had moved slowly. Make sure to properly build a connection with a girl and make her smile a few times before considering moving things forward. And when it's time to invite her home, then you need to be more subtle to give her plausible deniability. Inviting her to see your "huge balcony" sounds like an uninspired tactic to get her into your bedroom. Instead, invite her home to see something that intrigued her during the conversation on the date, whether that be a painting, a fish tank, a movie, or whatever. Just make sure it's easy for her to say "yes" without her feeling like she's going to be "just another lay" for the night.

- Franco

 

[Sam]

Thank you for your input, guys.

Let me just mention that this was my first time this happened to me. No other woman has ever criticized me for "lack of respect".

As for the "view from my huge balcony", Franco, I took 6 women home before her successfully using the exact same phrase.

Overall, smoothness is something I need to work on.