LDRs: Why the Girls Usually Do the Breaking Up

Chase

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While doing the research for my new piece on testosterone and motivation, I came across this gem of a piece of research in Hormones and Behavior:

We conclude that physical partner presence is not necessary to see an association between partnering and hormones in men (since same-city and long-distance partnered men had similar T levels), but may be necessary in women (since same-city partnered women had lower T than long-distance partnered women).

I had the experience of watching multiple men in long-distance relationships (LDRs) over the years, and noticed the men quite often became needy while the woman slowly rebelled. Men in LDRs tend to be some of the whiniest and most womanly of men... often to excruciating degree. Apologies if you're in an LDR; don't mean to step on your feelings, and maybe you're an exception, but for most guys in LDRs this tends to be the case. These guys have lots of doubts and ask you lots of questions about, "Will it work out?" and other wispy, nervous-yet-hopeful queries. Questions that are more normal to hear from women, but not from men.

Anyway, my conclusion back then was that women need a certain amount of time in-person with men to stay committed to their relationships. Or else the relationship unravels. I always felt (monogamous) LDRs were quite bad for men and empowered the female at the same time it emasculated the male.

The research here from Simon Fraser University gives some hormonal support to this observation. Basically, in a long-distance relationship:

  • The man's testosterone levels plunge to those of a man with a nearby committed girlfriend, while
  • The woman's testosterone levels remain close to that of a single girl's

But that's not even the full story. Take a look at this beauty:

ldr-van-anders.jpg


So, for women, hormones levels are slightly lowered in an LDR, compared to being single. But they are about 2/3 of the way up between being partnered with a man in the same city, versus being completely single. She's only 1/3 into the relationship, hormonally.

But for men? A man in an LDR has even lower testosterone than a guy with his girlfriend in the same city. Presumably because he's still monogamous, but doesn't even get laid at all. Hard to keep those T-levels up when you're not allowed to take new women but also get zero poonani.

In both men and women, testosterone is associated with sex drive, novelty seeking, risk taking, penchant for cheating, etc.

Put simply, in an LDR, you become hormonally sub-monogamous, while she remains hormonally quasi-single.

Food for thought if you're considering an LDR.

(my recommendation - same as always - is "Yeah... probably don't." Or at least if you will do an LDR, make sure you can still bang girls in your city, too)

Chase
 

Tony B

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Two minutes ago I broke up with my gf, we're in college and been together for 2 weeks and then I had to return home for the summer. The sex was also very good for her, she orgasmed through intercourse regularly {Read: (Chase's article about Devotion)*}. The relationship was going extremely well, and for the first 2 weeks of being apart, she really missed me. Then all of a sudden, any little thing that I did annoyed her and she stopped feeling sexy. She felt like I complimented her too much and my advances for sex over facetime were all also tiresome. Thankfully, she had booked a ticket to come see me before all of this started. However, I noticed myself become more needy of her affection and attention and also jealous of the guys she was hanging around. I broke frame once and conveyed it to her. We played it down as the distance getting to us.

When she finally came to visit, she was stuck at the airport all day and upon seeing me, wasn't at all excited. I guess that's understandable. I took her back to my house and things were alright. She wouldn't have sex with me at first and then when we finally did, I was doing all the work. Nevertheless, it was great for her and I thought it'd be enough to create that spark again. She was more elated and admitted she forgot how it felt, even started to confess things like girls usually do after good sex. However it wasn't enough. The rest of the trip was filled with me initiating sex and feeling like she wasn't affectionate towards me like when we started.

The very last day, I told her how I felt and that we could either break up or take time to think. She had recognized herself that she had been treating me differently and wasn't sure why. Over the course of the trip she would mention that it seemed like I was always trying to get her to have sex and that she felt like I cared more about the relationship but she wasn't sure why she would treat me so bad. She said that I had been nothing but prefect to her and she couldn't figure out why she was like this. Eventually i opted for time apart. We had sex after this again but nothing had changed.

We had talked to each other little throughout the week and at the end, she told me she missed me but was somehow okay with not having to tell me about her day. I told her that we should break up and thats what we did.

Did I make the right move? I know that if I try to go back now, she'll feel even less attracted. I wish I could get back out its just harder now that I'm back home and not at college. If you guys have any advice it'd be very appreciated. In total, we only spent 3 weeks together in person and 1 month together long distance.
 

Tony B

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UPDATE:
Because of the distance, after thorough readings of Chase's site, I realized that I lost my Alpha position, supplicating to her every need and never doing anything purely out of my own wants. I grew needy because I changed. I had been completely aware of the relationship's power struggle and even though she never consciously knew the outcome, she would repeatedly tell me that "She Tamed Me". She lost interest in me because I grew weak. I always put her first. And I broke up with her because I knew there wasn't much I could do to regain power over the distance except for that. I made a mistake and I've learned from it.

Thank God its over so I can be back to who I was- I.e. the same person who had her crazy falling and attracted to me in the first place.

Thank You Chase. You're the man.
 

DakenMarquis

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Nov 29, 2019
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My gf broke and I broke up, although it seemed unilaterally on her end after 5 years. We were pretty solid and I was out of town near my family working, studying, staying fit etc. While we were communicating regularly (yes I made sure I had female non-sexual attention outside of the relationship to not be needy w her, and to come from a mental place of abundance). Things seemed to be too much on her end, and with subconscious signals (The Passion Trap) seems to be a good recall on this issue. What surprises me is that she is a fairly smart person, with a degree in psychology, so the understanding is she would communicate more transparently about her needs and any issues she was experiencing on her end. But I seem to got a very passive aggressive behavior from her, something she perhaps did a lot of, but ofc im trying to stay on top of my goals, fitness, and being high value in general for myself and not being to emotionally weak, idk understand why we ended things. Ofc I was assertive in letting her kno she never communicated, and she stated I had trust issues(i don't), so it seems like I may have been gaslit? Anyhow, she is now with another less attractive man, not married and no kids, got bigger too, and drinks more now, since 2020. its just weird, that she was more quality w me, but its not like she's married and has kids, so why the pressure for me to perceive her bs when if I'm seen as high value, she would want to manage her part of the relationship?

What am I missing?
 
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