Life Decisions - any advice?

[PrettyDecent]

Hey Fellas,

This is going to diverge a bit from the norm of advice posted on this site - but this is a lifestyle site as much as a seduction site.

Basically, I had a talk with my mom today about the importance of family. My mom doesn't have many friends (she's a value taker rather than giver, so she auto-rejects most of her friends when they don't keep inviting her out to places), my step-father works all day and spends no time with anybody else, and my younger brother is starting to smoke pretty often (and getting into illegal stuff). And my mom said that I'm almost always out "talking to people" and not really contributing to the household, or to my brother.

I've been working on seduction pretty heavily, and I was about to start a job today so that I could move out of the house, head over east to Melbourne, and focus more on learning how to make friends, and have a place to bring girls/perhaps have a girlfriend. All this is planned specifically so that I can move into other important aspects of life - go to University, build businesses, learning essential new skills, etc.

Now, the question I have for all of you is this - is it worth putting my life on hold so that I can (maybe) stabilize this family? Is it even possible to change the course this family is heading on? My mom contends that I shouldn't even have a job before I move out (or that I shouldn't move out at all...not sure). I'm seriously considering it - I know my mom works damn hard for this family, and obviously she raised me (which is the biggest value offering). Perhaps this is an obvious choice for many of you, but I don't think I can make a rational decision being the actor in this situation.

Would appreciate your thoughts

~Nick

 

[Ryan]

Hey Nick,

I have a similar parents. A father that's always out, working (but is an abusive man though) and a mother who doesn't have many friends for the same reason as yours.

I don't like my mum as she's far too overprotective of me and doesn't give me any trust. But i still have to be there for her as no matter of all the mistakes she's done, she's always done her best to support me. So if she needed me, it's only fair i'll be there for her.
That said, you shouldn't give your family an excuse to rely on you or take you for granted. Just take 1 or 2 months out of your life (which shouldn't affect your seduction life too much) to sorting out family matters, so once/if your brother goes to jail a crack-addict (god forbid), or your mum becomes depressed, at least you have the conscience to say you've tried.

Just to add, your brother sounds like he's in a really bad state. If you know he's starting to move into illegal stuff, imagine what you don't know about him. He's your brother, you should try to get him out of this mess, he'll thank you later i'm sure. Good luck

N.B. When i say all this, i'm not saying this because i think you should 'owe' something to your mother. I'm saying it because it would be horrible on my conscience that after all my mum has done, i had abandoned her (and my brother) in a time they needed me. I may not be guilty now, but when she's in her grave, i think i'll miss her.
A mother's love for her child (and especially for her son) is the most pure kind of love.

 

[Marty]

Nick:

Sorry, just saw this else I'd have replied sooner. Thanks to Ryan for bumping.

This sounds pretty serious. I am going to email you under separate cover and we can chat.

I definitely think you should go ahead with your plans and not allow your circumstances to hold you back. I will explain when we talk.

-Marty

 

[Knightrain]

This is my opinion, based off of limited information

I think you said it all in the first sentence, your mom is a "value taker, not a giver". And now it seems like she's trying to guilt you into staying around for various reasons, these reasons benefit your family, not you. Understand that you don't owe your family for raising you, in fact you don't owe anybody anything (unless of course you agreed to owe them something in a non-coercive environment).

Based on what you said, it looks like your mother isn't offering any value for you to stay around, she's just saying you should because it's "for your family!". She's using her power and influence as a parent to get you to do what she wants.

What exactly do you mean when you ask if its "possible to change the course this family is heading on?" in regards to your mom?

You might be able to help your brother, do you know why he is using drugs and breaking the law?

 

[Thedoctor]

Hey Nick,

It's always difficult making decisions involving putting your own needs in front of your loved ones. To answer your questions bluntly:

is it worth putting my life on hold so that I can (maybe) stabilize this family?

Probably not. You can always try putting in one or two months like Ryan suggested and giving yourself a set date of when it's time to focus on yourself.

Is it even possible to change the course this family is heading on?

Probably not. In my experience, people hardly ever change.

There have been a few times in my life when I put almost every aspect on my life on hold for a loved one. Although it was frustrating, it wasn't a hard decision to make cause I knew they would do the same for me. And that's one important question to ask yourself. If the answer is no, then your relationship with that person leaves you continually investing in them with no return on their part. If you wouldn't put up with that from a girl or a friend, why is family different?

In situations such as yours, I'd offer to help as much as I could without it interfering too much with my own life.

Tell your mother you love her, and appreciate everything she's done for you and your family, but you need to live your own life. Offer to help in any way that is possible for you without compromising the goals you've set out for yourself.

If you're brother has an addiction, then it obviously needs to be addressed. I'd sit down and have a chat with him, tell him you're worried about him and try to find out the underlying reason his doing it: not getting enough attention from your parents, stressed about school, insecurities etc. The whole family needs to be on board for something like this so talk to your parents about a possible course of action. At the end of the day, a professional will need to become involved. There's always a good possibility that your brother is just experimenting or partying. A lot of people do this in their youth, and it is a phase that they will outgrow. Make sure to determine which of these categories he falls into.

It can be really difficult when you feel you're turning your back on family, but family is about mutual concern. If they're only worried about themselves and not on how they are being unfair to you, then this behaviour will never stop and you'll be dealing with this your whole life. I've been severely taken advantage of by one or two family members in the past, and I eventually made the decision to cut contact with them completely. Looking back, I don't regret it. I did as much as I could for them (too much if I'm to be honest) and it wouldn't have stopped unless I stopped it. The free time I had afterward allowed me to find people worth having in my life that fully appreciate me.

It doesn't sound that your situation is so bad you need to cut contact, which is good. But you do need to realize that your parents are supposed to be the ones taking care of you, not the other way around.

Best of luck with your dilemma.

-Doc

 

[Marty]

Agree with the vast majority of what The Doctor writes, but one word of warning:

You can always try putting in one or two months like Ryan suggested and giving yourself a set date of when it's time to focus on yourself.

This sounds sensible on the face of it, but often, opportunities don't work that way. You can't always "save things for later". You need to assess whether whatever it is will have in mind will still be there two months down the road. If it's a good job offer, the answer is almost certainly not. Another consideration is that this interval gives those who are dependent upon you more time to drag you in deeper, making it harder to break free.

Every time I've seized an opportunity, giving up something else as a result, I've been glad I did it and had no regrets. Every time I've passed one up, the feeling always remains: what if I had boarded that train... where would it have taken me?

 

[Thedoctor]

Agree with the vast majority of what The Doctor writes, but one word of warning:

You can always try putting in one or two months like Ryan suggested and giving yourself a set date of when it's time to focus on yourself.

This sounds sensible on the face of it, but often, opportunities don't work that way. You can't always "save things for later". You need to assess whether whatever it is will have in mind will still be there two months down the road. If it's a good job offer, the answer is almost certainly not. Another consideration is that this interval gives those who are dependent upon you more time to drag you in deeper, making it harder to break free.

Every time I've seized an opportunity, giving up something else as a result, I've been glad I did it and had no regrets. Every time I've passed one up, the feeling always remains: what if I had boarded that train... where would it have taken me?

Marty,

This is a good point! Especially the part of them pulling you in deeper. But sometimes if you feel like you didn't put in enough effort, you may feel guilty later. It's never an easy situation any which way you decide. Personally I'd rather give up an opportunity to say that I did try my best to fix the situation. Other opportunities always come along. I've never lived with the "what if?" mentality. I make my choices and learn from them if I later feel they were incorrect.

-Doc

 

[Mr.Rob]

I don't think your family's crazy life is really your responsibility to fix.
It's not like you made the decisions that led to there situation. It was very vague and I hate to jump to conclusions but it sounds like your parents marriage could use some counseling if your dad doesn't talk to anyone. Your brother, I've been down his road before and luckily made it out and decided to change my path when the shit hit the fan (though luckily enough I never had a run in with the law or went to jail). It's pretty damn tough to change people or inspire people to want to change their lives to quit smoking doing illegal shit as those types of people are usually present-hedonistic oriented. Meaning they know the consequences but would rather indulge in their pleasure of choice despite there being consequences.

It sucks a lot actually. I have a best friend, essentially brother, that gets DUI's, is an alchoholic that takes prescribed medication to ease his anxiety, is completely bitter, fatalistic, and angry at the world (because of his indulgences in drugs/alchohol and lack of self growth). He has a victim mentality and wishes it would all change but participates in insanity (doing the same thing time and time again and hoping/expecting different results) so theres not much hope for change in the near future.

Don't know how bad off your bro is but what I'm getting at is it's probably a huge waste of time and energy trying to get your bro back on track if he doesn't want to change. I think the best way to love him is to tell him your there for him if he needs you, you can show him how to live like a real man when he chooses to do so, and send him to a rehab or something if you think he really needs it. But ultimately his life is his responsibility not yours. You can only guide and try and lead him to a better path.

Do as much as you can for your family that's within reason to make sure there on the right foot but don't put the weight there supposed to carry on your back. It sounds like there are some interior issues at lay that don't have anything to do with you. Don't let your family's problems that aren't your responsibility to keep you from going after your dreams. Honestly I find it strange that your mom doesn't want you to go out and accomplish but keep you cooped up at home.

Btw I feel kind of shitty answering so bluntly like this but based on what you wrote I really think these aren't your problems.

Let us know how it goes.

-Rob