LMR from girl who I've already slept with

[AfterMath]

Hye guys, need some opinion on this... I recentely started seeing this girl who I already dated in the past and already had sex with, the problem is I took her home and she wouldn't give in, she said she didn't feel like it (and I know she wasn't on her period). I think it might be because she feels as if I'm using her and treating her as a slut, since the last time (around 6 months ago) that we dated, she metioned that we didn't have many experiences together outside of sex.

I have shown to her that I appreciate her and have tried to deep dive with her, but she just doesn't seem to connect all that much to me lately, and it seems as if she's wandering. She broke up recently and I think she still likes her ex and still thinks about him and probably why she is like this... I really don't mind, I don't want to have a serious relationship with her for many reasons (including the fact that her ex is still in the picture), but I don't want to keep dating her if she won't want to have sex with me, I don't know what to do, if I should just ignore her and leave her, or if I should keep dating and try to lay her again. She hasn't shown any signs that she doesn't want to keep dating, but hasn't shown signs that she particurlarly wants to either...
Any help would be appreciated!

 

[trashKENNUT]

Hye guys, need some opinion on this... I recentely started seeing this girl who I already dated in the past and already had sex with, the problem is I took her home and she wouldn't give in, she said she didn't feel like it (and I know she wasn't on her period). I think it might be because she feels as if I'm using her and treating her as a slut, since the last time (around 6 months ago) that we dated, she metioned that we didn't have many experiences together outside of sex.

Sounds complicated. How you treat her? maybe you do too much "boyfriend material" and you never lead to a relationship the first time you get together?

I have shown to her that I appreciate her and have tried to deep dive with her, but she just doesn't seem to connect all that much to me lately, and it seems as if she's wandering. She broke up recently and I think she still likes her ex and still thinks about him and probably why she is like this... I really don't mind, I don't want to have a serious relationship with her for many reasons (including the fact that her ex is still in the picture), but I don't want to keep dating her if she won't want to have sex with me, I don't know what to do, if I should just ignore her and leave her, or if I should keep dating and try to lay her again. She hasn't shown any signs that she doesn't want to keep dating, but hasn't shown signs that she particurlarly wants to either...

I think there's conflicts of wants here. One, she likes her ex because they used to be in a relationship. Another, you are here and only wants sex.

She's stuck you know. She wants a relationship probably.

Zac

 

[AfterMath]

The first time we dated a few months ago, she actually cheated on her boyfriend and I had sex with her on the second date... after that all we did was meetup at a friend's house (he lent me the keys) which is close to where she lives and had sex, it happened a few times, and led to sex only twice. I admit that I didn't have really good sex with her either time, I wasn't too comfortable the first time and couldn't get it up too well, and the second time, she was really closed off and shy, which made things very difficult. I know that if I had actually gave her an amazing time in bed those times, there probably wouldn't be a problem now.

I think what may be happening is that I really didn't find a "role" to fit in and it might be confusing her. The first time we dated I was in a lover role, but couldn't satisfy her sexually so it might have drifted into a provider role... I also know her mom and she really likes me and I think wants her to have a relationship with me, this makes her think of me in a provider role. And now, I try to have sex with her quickly again which "conflicts" with the image she might have of me as boyfriend material. I'm stuck in a bad situation, because for her to view me as more of a lover, I have to have sex with her, and right now, it seems like that won't happen...

 

[trashKENNUT]

The first time we dated a few months ago, she actually cheated on her boyfriend and I had sex with her on the second date... after that all we did was meetup at a friend's house (he lent me the keys) which is close to where she lives and had sex, it happened a few times, and led to sex only twice. I admit that I didn't have really good sex with her either time, I wasn't too comfortable the first time and couldn't get it up too well, and the second time, she was really closed off and shy, which made things very difficult. I know that if I had actually gave her an amazing time in bed those times, there probably wouldn't be a problem now.

Perhaps the bad sex was the kill. Imagine she looking at it like this, let's say

Her issues about her ex

Broke up with my ex. He always have treat me dinner, late night text. Now i feel guilty. Feeling i should not cheat.

Her issues with you

My ex doesn't really give great sex, i cheated on him. Aftermath wasn't good either. Feels resentful.

I think what may be happening is that I really didn't find a "role" to fit in and it might be confusing her. The first time we dated I was in a lover role, but couldn't satisfy her sexually so it might have drifted into a provider role... I also know her mom and she really likes me and I think wants her to have a relationship with me, this makes her think of me in a provider role. And now, I try to have sex with her quickly again which "conflicts" with the image she might have of me as boyfriend material. I'm stuck in a bad situation, because for her to view me as more of a lover, I have to have sex with her, and right now, it seems like that won't happen...

i think that you have to get into a relationship with her, but it conflicts because she feels resentful about you, but her mother likes you and her ex is still around trying to get her back.

So, in a way you are stuck. You need to enter into a relationship and turn it around with some magical sex (this is what i perceive) or break it off before she hates you altogether.

Zac

 

[Laowai]

I was too lazy to read it all so bear with me, but:

The problem could be that all you ever offer her is sex. My rule of thumb when handling regulars / FWB is

1) to meet them once every 8-10 days, and

2) for every three meet-ups to bang them on two of them, and then on the third meet-up to do something where sex is not a goal in itself - so that would mean go out and about for dinner / coffee / drinks / shopping together / sailing on the lake / etc. Then you can always try to get her back to yours afterwards and bang her silly while wearing your King Kong outfit.

Otherwise you communicate that you only want to bang her, and not all girls are cool with that.

I sense that your problem at a deeper level is that you don't know what she's really after / what she is really looking for at the moment. Figure that out, and give it to her.

 

[Franco]

Hey AfterMath,

I think it might be because she feels as if I'm using her and treating her as a slut, since the last time (around 6 months ago) that we dated, she metioned that we didn't have many experiences together outside of sex.

This changes the dynamic completely, and it's probably why she's giving you LMR. When you first start seeing a girl and you have sex with her, she might give you some "minor" LMR the next time (or few times) you hang out together. This is perfectly normal as she still might be trying to protect her reputation, but you can usually just persist right through this since she knows you two have already been together.

However, you've had sex with this girl a long time ago, and it didn't result in a relationship, which might have been what she wanted. I can see why she might have reservations about having sex with you again if she feels like it's not going to lead anywhere. Depending on how you ended the dating between you two 6 months ago is what probably determines whether or not she's willing to have sex with you again. If for any reason she believes that you don't want a relationship with her and that is originally what she wanted the first time you two dated, then she's going to have very strong reservations about having sex with you again. In this situation, it might just be better to let her go.

If you're not interested in a relationship with her and she just broke up with her ex-boyfriend, then you probably won't want to deal with her emotional swings, and it can also make things more difficult on her. I would remain friendly towards her if she continues to contact you, but letting her go might be the best option.

- Franco

 

[AfterMath]

Hey Franco,

I don't really think she wanted a relationship at the time. I think maybe she felt like the best thing to do was to be in a relationship with me, because that's the way she was raised and is sort of sexually repressed, but I think it's not exactly what she wanted. I think there was an internal conflict of values in her mind where everything she had learned from her parents and society sort of clashed with what she had done and how she had reacted. I was the second guy she ever had sex with and on the second date, while cheating on her boyfriend. Maybe it was all too much for her to handle and she eventually regretted having done all of that.

I think in her mind it was as if I was the person responsible for her doing all of that, and which in her mind, she views as "wrong". So when we met up again, and she felt the attraction initially, she went with it, until she started thinking about what happened the last time, and her logical mind stepped in and stopped everything from happening. I like her and I've already thought about having a relationship with her, but it just won't work out right now because of everything that we went through, and because I just don't know if I could trust her enough, she cheated on her boyfriend after all. She also seems to still like her ex-boyfriend and is likely still contacting him, since she isn't making too much of an effort to come after me. This leads me to think that the break-up is what's on her mind right now, and likely, only time by herself will make her snap out of it. Meanwhile, there's not much I can do.

I think she needs to have more experiences in her life with other people and maybe in the future, she'll be more mature, and I can try something with her the proper way. Right now, unfortunately, the best thing to do is to let her go... sucks cause I was really looking forward to sleeping with her again. :'( hahaha

 

[Franco]

AM,

I don't really think she wanted a relationship at the time. I think maybe she felt like the best thing to do was to be in a relationship with me, because that's the way she was raised and is sort of sexually repressed, but I think it's not exactly what she wanted. I think there was an internal conflict of values in her mind where everything she had learned from her parents and society sort of clashed with what she had done and how she had reacted. I was the second guy she ever had sex with and on the second date, while cheating on her boyfriend. Maybe it was all too much for her to handle and she eventually regretted having done all of that.

This is a possibility, especially if the second guy she's ever had sex with was a guy she cheated on her boyfriend with. She might still be trying to cope with what her emotions are telling her (I enjoyed having sex with this guy) vs. what her socialized upbringing might have taught her (find one great guy, don't cheat, etc).

I think in her mind it was as if I was the person responsible for her doing all of that, and which in her mind, she views as "wrong". So when we met up again, and she felt the attraction initially, she went with it, until she started thinking about what happened the last time, and her logical mind stepped in and stopped everything from happening. I like her and I've already thought about having a relationship with her, but it just won't work out right now because of everything that we went through, and because I just don't know if I could trust her enough, she cheated on her boyfriend after all. She also seems to still like her ex-boyfriend and is likely still contacting him, since she isn't making too much of an effort to come after me. This leads me to think that the break-up is what's on her mind right now, and likely, only time by herself will make her snap out of it. Meanwhile, there's not much I can do.

I can see this being the case. What I tell most people in these unusual situations is this: you are the one actually involved, so you know more than I do about everything that's happened between you two. You seem to have a good grasp of her emotions, so it sounds like your instinct is probably on point here. However, what I do recommend (given the circumstances) is that you don't put any pressure on her to do anything at this point. Once you've slept with her, you do have a certain special place in her mind, and the best thing to do here is to let the boyfriend basically destroy his own relationship. If she cheated on him, it's probably because she feels trapped in some way, and like you said, she needs some time to figure that out on her own.

However, whenever you do hang out with her, I suggest you continue to be physical with her (in a non-forceful way) to test the waters and see where she's at. You don't have to worry too much about persistence here, so just let her come to you.

In the meantime, there is no guarantee that she'll come back to you, so I would suggest going out and meeting other women. Thinking about her too much is exactly what causes guys to do something other than just be relaxed, which is usually what costs them the girl in the long run. So make sure you aren't "waiting" for her to come to you. =)

- Franco

 

[AfterMath]

AM,

I can see this being the case. What I tell most people in these unusual situations is this: you are the one actually involved, so you know more than I do about everything that's happened between you two. You seem to have a good grasp of her emotions, so it sounds like your instinct is probably on point here. However, what I do recommend (given the circumstances) is that you don't put any pressure on her to do anything at this point. Once you've slept with her, you do have a certain special place in her mind, and the best thing to do here is to let the boyfriend basically destroy his own relationship. If she cheated on him, it's probably because she feels trapped in some way, and like you said, she needs some time to figure that out on her own.

However, whenever you do hang out with her, I suggest you continue to be physical with her (in a non-forceful way) to test the waters and see where she's at. You don't have to worry too much about persistence here, so just let her come to you.

In the meantime, there is no guarantee that she'll come back to you, so I would suggest going out and meeting other women. Thinking about her too much is exactly what causes guys to do something other than just be relaxed, which is usually what costs them the girl in the long run. So make sure you aren't "waiting" for her to come to you. =)

- Franco

About me having a special place in her mind, I don't really know. I'm starting to think that she cheated as a form of revenge for some of the things that he did to her. From what she mentioned a while back he often times fought with her because of stupid reasons. He seems like a dominant person from what I've heard and is why she is still attracted to him, coupled with the fact the he took her virginity and she probably values that a lot.
So if what she did was basically only to get back at him, it means: 1) she is a really good actress and basically just used me, 2) it was never about me and only about her ex.

Right now I'm actually prepared for the possiblity that she might never come back if what I said above is true... so yeah, I'm not dwelling on it... but thanks for your input Franco!