Long Distance Relationship having a few problems

[anonymous1234]

Hey everyone,

I've been in a relationship with a wonderful girl for a while, but it became a long distance relationship about 4 months ago. The first three months were fantastic, after which we met again for some traveling. She gave me a lot of gifts, tried to pay pretty much everything and started crying when I had to leave again, with 'that' look in her eyes.

Now, the relationship is slowly going downhill though. We've been back at our own places, with only the possibility to meet again in 4 months, which will close the distance.

The problem is, those first months I was available pretty much any random moment during the day. I was working as a freelancer, so even though I was busy, the timing of our conversations was quite unpredictable and she usually kept trying to keep the conversation going for hours. She always used to tell me: "I feel like you are the only one who understands me"

Since our trip I have started my graduation internship in my own country and the quality of the conversations has disappeared. The answers she gives me over text are short and the emotions are gone. When we were talking on skype or on the phone, she used to laugh at everything I said, but these days she just looks at me with a sad face, maybe even a bit bored. She does, however, tell me often how much she loves me and misses me.

I've discovered girlschase about two months into the LDR and immediately used it for managing my relationship. (also realized quite a lot of mistakes I've made). The last few weeks, while she has been distant, I've tried to switch the situation back into my favor by being a bit more distant and busy myself. This has actually made matters a lot worse.

I'm pretty happy that my girl acts mature enough to calmly sit down and talk about the problems we have. Today we had another talk on skype and there are a few things that caught my attention:

* She told me she's noticed that the conversations are no fun anymore.
* Our conversations have become like: "Uhuh... yeah... haha... uhuh, how was work?". No longer talking for hours about random stuff.
* She asked me if I would've even initiated contact that day if she didn't ask me for the call.
* There's a 7 hours time difference and she usually doesn't go to bed, no matter how sleepy, before she has talked to me.
* She said she is kind of depressed because of lots of things happening in her social circle (many friends leaving the city, fights between other friends, she kind of has to decide between two groups now...)
* She is still making quite a lot of future plans for even years into the future, even though I don't make any promises.

So, could anyone tell me how I should read this situation? She is becoming a bit cold and distant and lots of information on this site tells me to become a bit more distant myself. But seeing her social circle problems and the other few signs gives me the feeling that she is starting to feel both a little bored and that I don't really care about her anymore. She's quite the emotional girl and tends to blame herself for everything.

So would it be a smart plan to be a lot more loving for a while and initiate conversations a lot more for a while to be there for her?

Tips on how to fix this? Thanks!

 

[daviddreamer]

Honestly if you don't really care for her anymore like you said near the end of your post you should just let her go. Distance relationships are hard enough as is. Let her find a guy that can be near her and you yourself find a woman that can be near you.

I'm in a distance relationship myself right now so I can relate to a lot of this.

 

[PinotNoir]

It's slowly eating away at the two of you.

I don't think it's going to work out unless she moves closer to you or you move closer to her.

If you can, see if you can plan for that in the future, if you're really serious about this relationship. If you're not serious about this relationship and don't want to spend the time/money, then drop it. Move on to a local girl. Remember, there are tons of women, even locally, that will be just as good or even better than this girl.

 

[anonymous1234]

Hey there, thanks for your answers.

I actually care a lot about this girl and I do have plans on moving to her country in 3.5 to 4 months.

It's been a while since I've posted this and sorry for the late reply. A lot has happened in the meantime.

I decided to change my communication strategy and try to make it more fun. I also sent a random message with "I'm thinking about you".

This has helped tremendously and afterwards she kept texting me over and over again, spamming me with love.

There is an however though. Last saturday we had a call, I had a few beers before, and I made the huge mistake of telling her how much I missed her and hated the distance. She replied with all the future plans she has with me and actually seemed really really excited. She was talking about our next trip together, and about how she has plans for many more.

I still think I came across as way too needy though, as it also seemed to have caused a complete turn in her excitement about talking with me again the days after.

Damn, it still surprises me how much a mistake like this can influence a relationship. I hope I can still recover by behaving a little more "alpha" from now on.

Oh, well...

 

[PinotNoir]

It sounds like you're both a little inexperienced, so this could work out if you move and if this is what you want.

As far as messing up and being needy, it happens and you learn from it. In a LDR, it can be tough to balance the desire to keep fanning the flames while also not being over the top on supplicating. Just make sure you give her a day or two to breathe and to be thinking about you.

When I was in an LDR, I did the following process: I only texted/emailed/whatever to set up meetups for cam-to-cam (i.e., face-to-face). It's essentially translating the idea of only texting girls for face-to-face meetups and not spending a lot of time in textland. Also, this creates a more powerful connection when you see each other, and the waiting/lingering until the day that you see each other on cam is good anticipation/pseudo-foreplay. Basically, you would text/email, "Hey, let's cam Thursday. I can't wait " and maybe a few more sentences if you want. Then stop texting/emailing and wait until you see each other on cam. The more that you can become a real person that she has experiences with the better connection. Even though these aren't "real," they're more real than just constant text.

My last word of advice is to really think about the country. Do you really want to live there? And do you really want to potentially marry this girl? Because that's the road this is taking. Do you really want this in your life? Really spend time thinking about this. If you break up, will you stay living in that country? Will you enjoy it? Will you be able to move on or are you already too attached? If you move to another country without friends and she breaks up, it can be pretty emotional and may make you consider suicide, so just make sure that what you're doing is healthy and right for yourself and for her. Moving there also creates a big precedent of you chasing her; you're committing your whole life to her.

If you decide that the answer is "yes" and that you're firmly, resolutely committed to this, then make sure that you move no matter what when that time approaches. Be planning now. If you move when you say you will move, it will create yourself as a strong man that makes decisions and does them -- a man of action. Think of it as a fun adventure in your life and a fun experience. Even if it doesn't work out, it'll be quite a memorable experience. Just don't let it destroy you if it turns sours; rise back up like a phoenix

Best of luck

 

[anonymous1234]

You are right, we are both a bit inexperienced.

I have given her a day to breathe and then sent her a text again. She responded quickly, but she was working at the time. Didn't send me anything after though, which would be the usual thing to happen.

So I guess I should now wait until she has initiated contact a few times before initiating myself again to turn things back into my favor.

Last week she's constantly been saying things like: "I miss you babe", "My handsome man", some more compliments about how awesome I am, and some very naughty texts. It stopped immediately after my weakness and neediness, but I assume the relationship can't have degraded all that much yet.

Sometimes this LDR drives me crazy. I have learnt so much about myself though. When I am with her, I don't feel needy at all and behave really calm, not caring much about where she goes or what she does. Whenever it becomes long distance again, however, I quickly become the complete opposite of that man: paranoid, weak and needy.

We do actually have cam-to-cam every week in the weekend. More than that is simply impossible at the time because of both our jobs and the time difference. You might be right that we should stop texting as much. It has been the default way of doing things and has been quite successful since the LDR started, but I think I'll try it and see how it goes. Might be a great tip.

About moving to the country. I have lived there before for a while during my studies, but had to move back to graduate. I seriously love that city and actually do have friends there.

I'm seriously committed to moving there. I'm not afraid of the move and actually crave moving to another country.

The relationship just has to survive for about four more months.

Thank you.

 

[anonymous1234]

Okay, a little update.

After leaving her alone for a few days she finally contacted me again and told me something kind of shocking. Apparently, she has developed a crush on someone. So far nothing has happened between then, but she told me that she pretty much hadn't had any sleep this whole week because of it.

She has no idea what to do. Until last Saturday, she was 100% committed and planning on being with me again, but that same night she met the guy again through friends. She told me up it's impossible for her to imagine a life without me, and feels so guilty for having feelings for another guy, which hasn't happened before in the whole relationship.

Now. I know exactly what she means, as I had the same situation before and decided it's probably the distance and I wanted to be with her.

I told her that if really nothing has happened, she should think about what she wants. I told her that if she decides to be with him, she's going to have to forget me. I will accept it, and she has to think about herself. Until she decides what she really wants and if this love is real, or just because of the distance, we will have no contact.

So I'm wondering. What do you guys think? Should I have broken it off immediately, or did I make the right decision by asking her if she's really sure to break up to be with the other guy? I wouldn't have said this if it was close distance, but I know people do get feelings for other people and I know the long distance is hard.

Let me know. Thanks.

 

[daviddreamer]

Break it off. I would say if a relationship can't handle a long-distance situation then it can't handle any future sort of commitment. The experience I have with this is being in the military and being deployed overseas. I know the situation is a little different but a lot of the guys I know were stuck to the skype for 6-7 months. We saw relationships fail and we saw some prosper. The ones that prospered....lets just say those girls were truly in love with there men and not having second thoughts.

 

[anonymous1234]

Thank you for your comment daviddreamer, we are no longer together anymore. She decided to be with the other guy and I cut off all contact and am ready to move on.

As PinotNoir already noticed, we were both a little inexperienced (she is a bit more experienced than I am).

So even though I did care a lot about her I do realize that it might be good for me that this has happened.
Now I got the opportunity to improve myself and finally work towards the absolute abundance mentality in a few years.