People
Her: mid-to-late 20s Asian girl, Chinese descent, but born/raised in Japan. Dressed average for a New Yorker, not especially flashy/fashionable, but not unfashionable either.
Me: early 30s asian, dressed smart casual
Background
I'd been Cold Approaching for a few months now. Mostly direct compliment openers on girls walking in the street or mall. I would say I'm halfway between beginner and intermediate here. I'm able to approach without too much anxiety now, and the reactions I get are pretty normal, sometimes very warm, rarely bad anymore. Right now I need to focus on the banter/chit chat that leads to a number close or instant date.
On this day, I was approaching in a central city park near a university. Lots of young people foot traffic, people are mostly dressed casually (no suits or extremely stylish women's fashion), because there aren't any offices or clothing stores nearby.
The Approach
I saw her sitting by herself on a park bench (with an empty seat next to her), just looking at people. I walked by casually, pretending to be on my phone, and sat myself down with 1.5 persons of space between her and me, which makes it not seem like I purposely sat down next to her, but is also close enough that I can casually start a conversation. After 15-20 seconds of pretending to play with my phone after sitting down, I turn over to her, and ask her "What do you think those people are doing?". She answers me back her theory. And we chat about a few other people we're watching.
We continue bantering for 5-10 minutes, very casually. It turns out she's taking night classes at the university while still fully employed with another job. She has to go to the university for a meeting in about 25 minutes, so there's no chance for an instant date pull to somewhere else.
The Close
Near the end of the interaction, I say, okay I need to go now, but I'd love to grab a coffee sometime, want to exchange numbers? Which she readily agreed to. We said goodbye.
Followup
I texted her an icebreaker text, which she responded to. Then I asked when she's free for a coffee or drink. She said she's busy for the next 2-3 weeks for finals, but will be free afterwards. At this point I wasn't too enthusiastic about this lead anymore, but set a reminder on my calendar to ping her.
3 weeks later, I ping her, telling her I've been busy with some new books, asking how her finals were, and asking if she wants to meet for a coffee/drink.
She responds that she'd like a grab a bite to eat, perhaps Saturday. She asked me to recommend what's good.
First Date
We meet at a sushi restaurant. Normally my preference is to meet more casually for a coffee/drink, but she needs to commute like 1 hour into the city center, so I figured she'd need a slightly more worthwhile place to make the trek worthwhile. I hyped up the sushi restaurant as being special for several reasons. That said, it's a medium priced place, we probably paid $40-45 each for the meal.
She arrived on time, and texted me that she's there. I arrived 4-5 minutes late on purpose. It's usually sets a good frame when the girl arrives before me on a date. She was dressed about the same as when I first met her, decent, not especially flashy.
The date itself was really low-energy. She just doesn't talk that much, or get super energized about much. I tried deep diving her as much as possible, but we never got "really hooked" into conversation with each other. Not to say it was bad, as eventually I calibrated to her lower-energy, and we just had a really chill conversation/date.
Bounce
During the date I asked what she's doing the rest of the day, she said more people watching, checkout the library, which was an indication that she could be free to spend more time with me. I didn't feel enough of a hook to ask her directly back to my place, so I just asked her if she wants to take a walk and explore the city and people watch with me. She agreed, so we paid and left (there were separate receipts/bills given to us, I wasn't sure what to do, I semi-awkwardly paid for my own, and let her pay for her own).
Pull
I led the walk in the direction of my apartment, and continued trying to keep the vibe really casual and low-key. At some point she asked me where I live, and I indicated the direction in which I live, which happened to be where we were walking towards, and she didn't raise any objections.
I seeded a few ideas in her head about checking out my apartment sometime, talking about my interior design choices, my view, my japanese whiskey collection. When we were about 3 streets away from my apartment, I casually asked her if she wants to have a drink of whiskey at my place. She just agreed.
Escalation
I poured some whiskey for her, showed the view, chit chatted a bit. I'm getting quite good at finding times of sexual tension to go for a kiss. We were naturally in a lull in the conversation, and I just leaned in, grabbed her chin, and pulled her into me. Immediately after the kiss, I went to get more whiskey, as if nothing happened at all.
I continued with this pattern interrupt strategy, of escalating physically a little bit, then going back to talk about other stuff as if nothing happened.
When we were laying together on the couch, I used a lot of the "2 steps forward, 1 step back", to keep her from hard stopping my escalation at any point, which worked really well.
Interestingly, during one of our makeout then stop sessions, afterwards she looked at me slightly seriously and asked me what I'm looking for. And I gave her a truth that could go in any direction "I just got out of a relationship, there are pros/cons to a long term committed relationship, I would want one with the right person". Basically saying I'm not quite looking for something serious now, but if I find the right person, I would be interested. She gave me an unexpected response of "I don't think I ever want to get married or have kids". So it turns out she was asking the question not to find out if I was using her or not, but to find out if I would become too attached to her. And I think my answer was pretty good in that it would fit both answers she might potentially be looking for.
This was the final shit test. Soon after we were on top of eachother, and she was touching my dick, and she asked "Can I blow you?" Which I enthusiastically responded to. She's actually pretty amazing at oral sex.
I tried really hard to get to vaginal sex, but she kept turning it down because she's on her period. In the end I orgasmed in her mouth, which she seemed pretty happy about.
After Sex
I did actually really enjoy hanging out with her, and I wanted her to feel that I wanted to see her again and that she wasn't useful just for the BJ, so I sat her down on the couch and chatted with her more, deep diving a bit more, before heading out to take the subway and heading out separate ways.
We've texted a bit more, and I've tried to arrange another meet, but she has gone cold a little bit. I'll see if I can seal the deal in the future, but it was a fulfilling interaction nonetheless.
As to why she went cold, I have a few theories:
- perhaps one of my texts to her after our date, was a bit too long, and she felt I was less attractive and more needy than she thought
- I've been lifting/dieting hard over the last few months. When she was blowing me, she commented on how fit I was, and she felt self conscious that she feels fat. I tried to assuage her concern by telling her she has a great body, but she could tell it wasn't super sincere. Which is true, she's about average for asian girls, which is above average for American girls. I think she might be self conscious to have full sex with me, which may have pushed her into auto-rejection.
Keys to the Lay
- Sometimes the girl doesn't react super enthusiastically. And you don't feel much sexual tension, or a real "hook moment". But I just kept cool, and kept giving her options to continue forward as casually as possible, seeing where it would go. It really wasn't until she asked me "Can I blow you?" that I finally felt connected to her.
- Seeding the idea of pulling her to my apartment beforehand is really key to making the decision easier later on
- 2 steps forward, 1 step back, I'm getting really good at this. I could tell she wasn't super comfortable, and this tactic let me physically escalate on her without reaching any hard stopping points (except I couldn't ever get her pants off because her hard stop was that she's on her period)
- This is the first time I've not paid for a date, and had a sexual encounter. It's an interesting dynamic. I wonder if paying would have cost me this encounter by putting me too far into a provider role, which presumably she's not into?
Her: mid-to-late 20s Asian girl, Chinese descent, but born/raised in Japan. Dressed average for a New Yorker, not especially flashy/fashionable, but not unfashionable either.
Me: early 30s asian, dressed smart casual
Background
I'd been Cold Approaching for a few months now. Mostly direct compliment openers on girls walking in the street or mall. I would say I'm halfway between beginner and intermediate here. I'm able to approach without too much anxiety now, and the reactions I get are pretty normal, sometimes very warm, rarely bad anymore. Right now I need to focus on the banter/chit chat that leads to a number close or instant date.
On this day, I was approaching in a central city park near a university. Lots of young people foot traffic, people are mostly dressed casually (no suits or extremely stylish women's fashion), because there aren't any offices or clothing stores nearby.
The Approach
I saw her sitting by herself on a park bench (with an empty seat next to her), just looking at people. I walked by casually, pretending to be on my phone, and sat myself down with 1.5 persons of space between her and me, which makes it not seem like I purposely sat down next to her, but is also close enough that I can casually start a conversation. After 15-20 seconds of pretending to play with my phone after sitting down, I turn over to her, and ask her "What do you think those people are doing?". She answers me back her theory. And we chat about a few other people we're watching.
We continue bantering for 5-10 minutes, very casually. It turns out she's taking night classes at the university while still fully employed with another job. She has to go to the university for a meeting in about 25 minutes, so there's no chance for an instant date pull to somewhere else.
The Close
Near the end of the interaction, I say, okay I need to go now, but I'd love to grab a coffee sometime, want to exchange numbers? Which she readily agreed to. We said goodbye.
Followup
I texted her an icebreaker text, which she responded to. Then I asked when she's free for a coffee or drink. She said she's busy for the next 2-3 weeks for finals, but will be free afterwards. At this point I wasn't too enthusiastic about this lead anymore, but set a reminder on my calendar to ping her.
3 weeks later, I ping her, telling her I've been busy with some new books, asking how her finals were, and asking if she wants to meet for a coffee/drink.
She responds that she'd like a grab a bite to eat, perhaps Saturday. She asked me to recommend what's good.
First Date
We meet at a sushi restaurant. Normally my preference is to meet more casually for a coffee/drink, but she needs to commute like 1 hour into the city center, so I figured she'd need a slightly more worthwhile place to make the trek worthwhile. I hyped up the sushi restaurant as being special for several reasons. That said, it's a medium priced place, we probably paid $40-45 each for the meal.
She arrived on time, and texted me that she's there. I arrived 4-5 minutes late on purpose. It's usually sets a good frame when the girl arrives before me on a date. She was dressed about the same as when I first met her, decent, not especially flashy.
The date itself was really low-energy. She just doesn't talk that much, or get super energized about much. I tried deep diving her as much as possible, but we never got "really hooked" into conversation with each other. Not to say it was bad, as eventually I calibrated to her lower-energy, and we just had a really chill conversation/date.
Bounce
During the date I asked what she's doing the rest of the day, she said more people watching, checkout the library, which was an indication that she could be free to spend more time with me. I didn't feel enough of a hook to ask her directly back to my place, so I just asked her if she wants to take a walk and explore the city and people watch with me. She agreed, so we paid and left (there were separate receipts/bills given to us, I wasn't sure what to do, I semi-awkwardly paid for my own, and let her pay for her own).
Pull
I led the walk in the direction of my apartment, and continued trying to keep the vibe really casual and low-key. At some point she asked me where I live, and I indicated the direction in which I live, which happened to be where we were walking towards, and she didn't raise any objections.
I seeded a few ideas in her head about checking out my apartment sometime, talking about my interior design choices, my view, my japanese whiskey collection. When we were about 3 streets away from my apartment, I casually asked her if she wants to have a drink of whiskey at my place. She just agreed.
Escalation
I poured some whiskey for her, showed the view, chit chatted a bit. I'm getting quite good at finding times of sexual tension to go for a kiss. We were naturally in a lull in the conversation, and I just leaned in, grabbed her chin, and pulled her into me. Immediately after the kiss, I went to get more whiskey, as if nothing happened at all.
I continued with this pattern interrupt strategy, of escalating physically a little bit, then going back to talk about other stuff as if nothing happened.
When we were laying together on the couch, I used a lot of the "2 steps forward, 1 step back", to keep her from hard stopping my escalation at any point, which worked really well.
Interestingly, during one of our makeout then stop sessions, afterwards she looked at me slightly seriously and asked me what I'm looking for. And I gave her a truth that could go in any direction "I just got out of a relationship, there are pros/cons to a long term committed relationship, I would want one with the right person". Basically saying I'm not quite looking for something serious now, but if I find the right person, I would be interested. She gave me an unexpected response of "I don't think I ever want to get married or have kids". So it turns out she was asking the question not to find out if I was using her or not, but to find out if I would become too attached to her. And I think my answer was pretty good in that it would fit both answers she might potentially be looking for.
This was the final shit test. Soon after we were on top of eachother, and she was touching my dick, and she asked "Can I blow you?" Which I enthusiastically responded to. She's actually pretty amazing at oral sex.
I tried really hard to get to vaginal sex, but she kept turning it down because she's on her period. In the end I orgasmed in her mouth, which she seemed pretty happy about.
After Sex
I did actually really enjoy hanging out with her, and I wanted her to feel that I wanted to see her again and that she wasn't useful just for the BJ, so I sat her down on the couch and chatted with her more, deep diving a bit more, before heading out to take the subway and heading out separate ways.
We've texted a bit more, and I've tried to arrange another meet, but she has gone cold a little bit. I'll see if I can seal the deal in the future, but it was a fulfilling interaction nonetheless.
As to why she went cold, I have a few theories:
- perhaps one of my texts to her after our date, was a bit too long, and she felt I was less attractive and more needy than she thought
- I've been lifting/dieting hard over the last few months. When she was blowing me, she commented on how fit I was, and she felt self conscious that she feels fat. I tried to assuage her concern by telling her she has a great body, but she could tell it wasn't super sincere. Which is true, she's about average for asian girls, which is above average for American girls. I think she might be self conscious to have full sex with me, which may have pushed her into auto-rejection.
Keys to the Lay
- Sometimes the girl doesn't react super enthusiastically. And you don't feel much sexual tension, or a real "hook moment". But I just kept cool, and kept giving her options to continue forward as casually as possible, seeing where it would go. It really wasn't until she asked me "Can I blow you?" that I finally felt connected to her.
- Seeding the idea of pulling her to my apartment beforehand is really key to making the decision easier later on
- 2 steps forward, 1 step back, I'm getting really good at this. I could tell she wasn't super comfortable, and this tactic let me physically escalate on her without reaching any hard stopping points (except I couldn't ever get her pants off because her hard stop was that she's on her period)
- This is the first time I've not paid for a date, and had a sexual encounter. It's an interesting dynamic. I wonder if paying would have cost me this encounter by putting me too far into a provider role, which presumably she's not into?
, even better (continue to escalate and brush past token resistance)