Making peace with good people

[brianbarker]

This is a very important question, that I had thought of after reading an article called "Surviving Moral Panic" or something to that extent, by Chase. This is also a good and relevant question when it comes to life in general. What should I do, if I have gotten into a conflict, perhaps even a "cold war", with some guys who are not really that bad, and could be better as friends for me than enemies. And in their eyes I am certain I would make a better friend than an enemy, as well. What steps should I take now that I find myself in a situation like this? It all began because we had very sharp differences in a few certain areas but overall we would make better friends than most, not saying that we necessarily need to become BFFs but we can be better off as friends for sure.

 

[Chase]

@brianbarker,

I'm not too sure the cause of the tension between you, and the prescription is going to tend to vary somewhat based on that. (i.e., if you were in the wrong, but don't see it / don't want to admit it, it may be impossible to go back on good terms until you cross that gap, no matter what other tactics you use)

Assuming both parties are equally at fault, but the issues really are quite minor in the grand scheme of things, and the friendship would be mutually valuable, then what is stopping you from offering them a détente?

"Hey guys, Happy New Year, it's Brian! Hey, so, I know we had our differences, but it's a new year, I was hoping to bury the hatchet on those. I think we'd be way better off as allies than as foes. What do you say to calling a truce? We can meet up for drinks at Harry's over on 8th and Vine if that works; first round'll be on me. It'd be cool to get back on normal terms again if you're down for it."

Give them a reason (new year), pitch the truce, offer an olive branch (first round's on me), and see if they don't reciprocate.

Then, hey, if they still want the cold war, but you did all you could do -- you've done their part.

Maybe sooner or later they'll come around. Or maybe they won't. Not everybody does. Some are grudge-holders. But a lot of folks will, and you can be friends again, or at least on speaking terms.

Chase

 

[brianbarker]

@brianbarker,

I'm not too sure the cause of the tension between you, and the prescription is going to tend to vary somewhat based on that. (i.e., if you were in the wrong, but don't see it / don't want to admit it, it may be impossible to go back on good terms until you cross that gap, no matter what other tactics you use)

Assuming both parties are equally at fault, but the issues really are quite minor in the grand scheme of things, and the friendship would be mutually valuable, then what is stopping you from offering them a détente?

"Hey guys, Happy New Year, it's Brian! Hey, so, I know we had our differences, but it's a new year, I was hoping to bury the hatchet on those. I think we'd be way better off as allies than as foes. What do you say to calling a truce? We can meet up for drinks at Harry's over on 8th and Vine if that works; first round'll be on me. It'd be cool to get back on normal terms again if you're down for it."

Give them a reason (new year), pitch the truce, offer an olive branch (first round's on me), and see if they don't reciprocate.

Then, hey, if they still want the cold war, but you did all you could do -- you've done their part.

Maybe sooner or later they'll come around. Or maybe they won't. Not everybody does. Some are grudge-holders. But a lot of folks will, and you can be friends again, or at least on speaking terms.

Chase

Thanks. Why do you think people decide to hold grudges, in your personal experience?