Managing emotions and expectations in ONS or short term relationships

[Will_V]

Hey guys, looking for a bit of advice on how let girls go smoothly that I've been seeing casually. Hope I've put this thread in the right place.

I just had a date with a girl who's a lot of fun with a great personality but just not hot enough for me to keep around more than casually. I didn't manage to close this time but set the right frames, and I expect things will fall into place next date (I've had success in the past with girls on the shy side like her just by disqualifying myself as a BF, leaving her with good emotions and letting her take her time a bit).

But this got me thinking that at a certain point I'll be meeting hotter girls (I'm ramping up after a dry spell) and I'll be letting her go. I was thinking over a few past cases where I may or may not have dropped the ball with a girls emotions, and thought I'd outline them here to see if someone might have a wiser approach.

Just to be clear about my perspective, I'm all about leaving girls with positive emotions. I feel affection for every girl I've been with even if I don't want to see them anymore, and my goal is always to be the guy she remembers fondly while settling down with some well-to-do but less exciting prospect.

So sometimes I've met a girl and took her to bed, and then decided that once was enough. I'm not a huge fan of one night stands - I like to get to know a girl well sexually and explore a lot of things with her, as long as we're having fun and no one is getting needy. But in these cases, for various reasons that was it.

So I'd text them afterward saying I had a great time with them, text me when you get home etc and then I just never set up another date (they didn't get back to me, I'm not ignoring them). Is this too cold?

Let me add a bit of context. A couple of times when this happened, I met the girl again going about my day, maybe a few weeks later. In every case, the reception I got was very warm - maybe even a bit eager - but mixed with a little bit of confusion. I'd just have a quick, friendly conversation, keep it light and cheerful, and say goodbye. I initially thought that this meant I'd managed things properly, but it occurred to me that maybe they were still holding out for me to get in touch and it hadn't 'settled in'.

Question: would it be better to send some kind of text a couple of days after seeing her, saying I didn't feel like there was a connection or something like that?

My intuition is no, I can't think of how to write it in a way that doesn't sound weird and clumsy, like some kind of breakup of a non-existent relationship. But it also feels a bit blunt to just go silent when she's thinking we both had a great time.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not losing sleep over this, we both had a good time, I set strong frames as a lover and not a BF, and she's not stupid. Just wondering if there's a smoother way to do it.

...

Moving onto this new girl, I expect to see her a few times over a month or so and then end it, and I don't want her to get too attached. I'm aware of the rule of not seeing her more than once every 7 days (no problem, makes total sense) but the relationship is not going to be FBuddy either - I don't really do FBuddys at all as it's very rare that a girl is expressive enough purely with sex to satisfy what I want from her.

In this case I definitely don't want to just go radio silent, I'll probably say that I don't think there was enough of a connection. Assuming I set a strong BF disqualifying frame from the get go, don't see her more than once a week - maybe 4 or 5 times total, mostly for sex and conversation but maybe some fun dates - what's the best way to end it? Thoughts?

More context: I'm someone who likes to do all kinds of stuff with girls - chat, go on adventurous dates, do random stuff like cooking or pilates together. I'm still trying to figure out how to create the perfect balance between enjoying all the things I want to enjoy with a girl and not giving her wrong expectations. To put it another way, I'm a bit of a 'whirlwind romance' type of guy, I like to enjoy every drop, but am always looking for novelty.

I haven't seen a really clear definition of how to manage this style of relationship (maybe an article idea?) so far I'm winging it by setting strong 'adventurer/lover' frames and being as up-front as I can about what I'm looking for, but I do wonder if she sees my behaviour as incongruent with those frames. I had a messy LTR end not so long ago that I mis-managed precisely because my honesty wasn't enough to keep her expectations in check, and it made me question if this might cause me problems in shorter relationships as well.

Hope this all makes sense, looking forward to hearing what you guys have to say!

 

[DoWhatWorks]

So I'd text them afterward saying I had a great time with them, text me when you get home etc and then I just never set up another date (they didn't get back to me, I'm not ignoring them). Is this too cold?

Nope girls are adults and know the deal Bare in mind she probably has x3 other guys in her phone hitting her up.

I wouldn't say this is too cold especially if you're satisfied with ONS.

Question: would it be better to send some kind of text a couple of days after seeing her, saying I didn't feel like there was a connection or something like that?

Again no if it's just a ONS. If it's a girl you've been seeing casually for a while who's borderline MLTR it's worth a text saying that she's a great person but: "you've met someone new", "you're taking time off from dating to focus on yourself" etc.

It's the kinder thing to do for sure but as you date more and more girls you'll see how many of them don't bother gently ending this lol and a significant % prefer to ghost.

I respect your consideration for people's feelings though!

adventurous dates, do random stuff like cooking or pilates together.

Mate doing this and not making a girl your GF will lead to feelings hurt/drama.
You have to be disciplined enough to tone yourself down. I wrote a keeping girls casual guide here

I just had a date with a girl who's a lot of fun with a great personality but just not hot enough for me to keep around more than casually.

Also no offence bro but this is mental masturbation. You've not even locked in this girl yet, let alone had sex. Worry about it when you get there but as your post said keep it x1 a week and be cool/fun guy. Vast majority of the time girls will end FB relationships with you after about 3 months when they see you don't want progression. The aren't fragile beings who need to be protected, they're very practical and know what's up

 

[Will_V]

@DoWhatWorks thanks for the reply!

Nope girls are adults and know the deal Bare in mind she probably has x3 other guys in her phone hitting her up.

I wouldn't say this is too cold especially if you're satisfied with ONS.

Cool, yeah I know she's feeling good about it generally, just thought there might be a smoother way. But makes sense, better to just leave on the high note with no promises.

Again no if it's just a ONS. If it's a girl you've been seeing casually for a while who's borderline MLTR it's worth a text saying that she's a great person but: "you've met someone new", "you're taking time off from dating to focus on yourself" etc.

It's the kinder thing to do for sure but as you date more and more girls you'll see how many of them don't bother gently ending this lol and a significant % prefer to ghost.

I respect your consideration for people's feelings though!

Cool. Seems like precedents are better than patches in this sort of thing. That's something I need to tighten up, sometimes I'm a bit too spontaneous and it causes me problems later on.

Don't get me wrong, I don't put women on a pedestal, I just have the personal philosophy of being constructive whenever possible, even if it's something not that significant. I used to be a bit of the opposite and it created needless problems.

Mate doing this and not making a girl your GF will lead to feelings hurt/drama.
You have to be disciplined enough to tone yourself down. I wrote a keeping girls casual guide here

Good guide there! I like the way you talk about easing into things, and bridging the gap between FB and MLTR. That's something I need to work on, rather than really planning ahead I'd just do something spontaneous because I enjoyed it, without really thinking about the next few steps.

My first post really came about from me thinking about where I wanted to go from here. Like I mentioned, I mismanaged the expectations of my gf a while ago, who was someone I shared an incredible amount of good times with, and it just ended up a mess, something which I don't like. I have no problem leading my relationship with a woman and demanding quite a lot from her, so I guess my main objective is to create good habits when it comes to managing her expectations, so that I can enjoy things without unnecessary drama.

I think I'm probably going for a similar thing to what you wrote in the post, I prefer the idea of having multiple FB or MLTR rather than going out all the time. I really enjoy cold approach when it's spontaneous, but when I go out prowling I feel like I have better things to do. So having a few long term plates spinning and cold approaching here and there would be very much ideal for me, and managing these relationships is something I need to study more and do with clearer intentions.

Also no offence bro but this is mental masturbation. You've not even locked in this girl yet, let alone had sex. Worry about it when you get there but as your post said keep it x1 a week and be cool/fun guy. Vast majority of the time girls will end FB relationships with you after about 3 months when they see you don't want progression. The aren't fragile beings who need to be protected, they're very practical and know what's up

Fair enough! And yeah, I have no illusions about the resilience and practicality of girls, like I said I just like to have a good baseline idea of what I'm going to be doing in different scenarios so I don't do something silly and then have to think about how to unwind it.