might seem weird, but how do I get more after a casual encounter?

[Telomere]

So this is a topic that hasn't been extensively covered on girlschase. I know chase has an article on relationship game, but I feel like for the hundreds on picking up one night stands, I feel lost with respect to how to proceed when you encounter that exceptional girl you want more with. I'll give a synopsis of my situation and would really appreciate some help with this circumstance and similar ones that I'm sure others have experienced too!

So I first met this girl months ago. Got to know her pretty we'll but pretty much blew my chance at moving things forward with her. Accepted I was in the friend zone and moved on. Stayed in touch with her though cuz she's pretty freakin awesome and still fun to hang out with.

Well, one night she suggests we go have a drink at her apartment. Stupid me had really, really accepted that we were just friends and went along without making a move untill she basically invited me to sleep with her after some drinks ha. Did a lot but didn't have sex. Goes a little cold/avoidant afterwards. Really, really can't get anywhere with her after this first encounter. So a couple weeks go by we still chill a couple times but nothing sexual at all and I have to leave town for a few weeks.

Get back and get a date with her but fucked up and didn't make a move... Seriously felt like I shouldn't since we're becoming pretty good friends at this point But nothing sexual except one encounter. Well a couple weeks go by don't hit her up again but talk to her still here and there. Meet up for the first time in a while and have a great talk for hours. Go our separate ways.

Now this next part is where it gets tricky. We go have a crazy night together next time we hang out(won't go into details) but let's just say it had some very real ups, downs, and serious excitement. Had sex that night(a few drinks loosened both of us up a little). Kinda felt weird since were becoming pretty close friends at this point. Nothing for the next couple weeks with us both being busy and me not wanting to press and her prob not wanting to seem needy. Well pretty recently we hung out a couple times with no sex again, except now she's been giving me some hints off and on(starting to seem pretty into me now) texting me a lot and stuff. Well getting a little frustrated with not getting anywhere, she suggested we hang out one night at our usual place but I press for a something that would make logistics and closing much much easier to just figure this situation out. Ignores my suggestions. Still texts me a lot and seems into me, but it's like now she's making it hard to get anywhere past traditional dating shit(honestly traditional dating stuff could even be her just trying to pin me as a friend?) I don't know. Just can't get back to her place after we hang out. And I really don't want to go for the traditional dating peck lol. Just really don't know how to make it work with this one. Hooked up twice but after both Times she seems to make it hard to get somewhere with her afterwards, and it's really not easy for me to setup good logistics with all my roommates making closing the deal even harder.

Thoughts?
Btw, this one is very self conscious about not being with lots of guys/being easy

 

[Franco]

Telomere,

It sounds like you're asking a very general question about getting more after a casual encounter, but then you give an example that is anything BUT regular (and actually semi "weird" as you put it) as this girl's behavior is rather unique. Most girls won't do what it sounds like this girl has been doing.

The number one thing that caught my attention is how much she kept putting herself out there for sex, then you subsequently fail to get it, and then she still gives you repeated opportunities to close after that. This tells me that this statement...

Btw, this one is very self conscious about not being with lots of guys/being easy

...is probably only true because she HAS been with a lot of guys. Girls like this tend to be extremely forward with wanting to sleep with a guy, and then once it happens, they get very self-conscious about what happens next (due to previous experience) and try to guide things in a certain way toward what they want.

This one seems tricky because, when I started reading the first part of this, it sounded like she was a girl who just found you very attractive and wanted to set up a FWB (friends with benefits) relationship with you. But generally a girl doesn't give you very many opportunities to do this -- if you don't act quickly on it, you usually don't get another chance. However, she kept pushing for having sex with you, and then once you finally hooked up with her, she immediately shifted gears into trying to get you to do "datesy" stuff without sex (I'm assuming as an effective method to get you to chase).

The good news here is: you have already slept with the girl. That's really important since she now shares a physical and emotional bond with you. So I think the question comes down to: do you want something long-term with this girl? If you do, it might just be best to do some of the "date-like" stuff that she's inviting you to do just so she feels like you really want her for more than just sex, and after she sees you take her on a few dates, I'm sure she'll want to get back to the sex immediately after.

I tend to not really be attracted to girls like this since their actions stem from a strong sense of insecurity, and that can lead to a lot of drama down the road. But if the girl seems to have a lot of qualities that you enjoy (and you find her very attractive), then you can always work toward a monogamous relationship with her and stick with it for as long as you're enjoying it. That part is for you to decide. =)

- Franco

 

[Telomere]

Thanks man. Honestly I thought the whole have sex first thing would generally make things easier, but this being the first time I've pursued something more in a nontraditional relationship scenario, I guess I wasnt exactly sure what to expect. But honestly it's been awhile since we hooked up and nothing but a couple not sexual meet ups have happened since. I know having sex with the girl causes the whole emotional physical bond connection, but how long untill that advantage is gone and you risk ending back up in the friend zone? Even though I've gotten multiple chances with this one, she seems to go pretty Damn hot and cold on me. Like asking if I want to hang out repeatedly only a couple days ago, and now radio silence lol. But I guess technically we were friends first which is a little concerning--going back to that since we started out platonic

 

[Franco]

Telo,

but how long untill that advantage is gone and you risk ending back up in the friend zone?

Eh, it gets pretty hazy if things after the first sexual experience don't go well. You may never end up back in the friend zone, but she also may disqualify you as a boyfriend as well. She can do a number of things at this point, but your best bet is to just go along with a few dates and then try to get her back to your place every time. I'd say that if after 2 or 3 "date-like" things she still doesn't want to come back to your place, then you need to start being a bit aloof with her to send her the message that you're not interested in going "backwards." Once she gets this hint, she might try to set up a meet herself (and you can close again) or she'll just slowly detach herself from you (which means she isn't interested anymore).

I would like to think that the former situation is your situation, but it's hard to tell. The only way you can tell is by trying to get her back to your place and seeing if she will comply.

- Franco

 

[Telomere]

Damn. See I kept up the asshole spiel a little too much after sleeping with her, and she started to go cold. Warmed up to her and then she started to chase. Now its back to square one out of nowhere cuz SHE's gone aloof on ME. F**k I can't pin this one down to save my life lol. Shes gone aloof this hard once before when she was mad at me but I can't think of anything that would have caused that now (unless she's mad I turned down her invite over the weekend?). Honestly the plan you suggested is kinda what I thought too but it's like she's one step ahead of me lol.

 

[yaya]

Btw, this one is very self conscious about not being with lots of guys/being easy

...is probably only true because she HAS been with a lot of guys. Girls like this tend to be extremely forward with wanting to sleep with a guy, and then once it happens, they get very self-conscious about what happens next (due to previous experience) and try to guide things in a certain way toward what they want.

Feel like this is a situation I might be in too. It's the only explanation that totally makes sense.

Thanks