Mindset problem with cold approaching in my home country

[Damien]

Hey guys,

I was just re-reading some articles and found this comment: "Chase, I started reading your stuff a few months back and I am really impressed by your advice. Personally, I have discovered I possess a very very negative mindset and this type of thinking is at the heart of it. One of the primary reasons for this is women, often even those who I rate as aesthetically average still intimidate me initially and I spend the first stages of the interaction in approval seeking mode.

I would like to see an article on how to internally think of yourself as equal to women in general. Often I feel inferior to women before I meet them however shortly after I regain my confidence and can charm them quite well, but the initial phase is always strewn with me feeling I have to impress them due to my self esteem. Secondly, I would like to see an article on frame control as although I have a strong understanding of it I often find it tough to create strong frames with women.

Keep it up and best wishes
Al"

Chase linked to this article https://www.girlschase.com/content/girls-silly-and-cute but I find it hard to make the switch just by thinking this.

I'm doing farely well with women by now (I'm somewhere around 35 lays), but my mind sometimes still fucks with me. I just spent one semester abroad and had lots of success with girls through online game and cold approach. Now back in my home country I'm meeting quite a lot of foreign girls because I volunteer helping them settling into the country etc. I have very few problems being dominant / aggressive with the girls of this exchange students groups and also not with the girls from my country that are involved in helping and partying with the exchange students. However cold-approaching girls from my country I feel exactly what the commenter above said, like I have the need to start qualifying myself and I'm way less dominant / intriguing / aggressive in the beginning of the conversations. Due to this most of my cold approaches at the moment are not hooking very well. If I meet girls through social settings (I meet a lot of girls like this), I do not have this problem. I also didn't have this problem when I was cold approaching abroad.

How can I get rid of this mentality? I feel like in social circle I am more confident, because I am aware of my status in the group, respectively abroad I was also more confident because I was an exotic exchange student for all the ladies over there.

Tips will be highly appreciated!
Damien

 

[WayOfHand]

I have noticed something similiar between traveling and local game. For me it is also strongly related to language. I'm really carefree in english, while with my native language, things go bad much easier. I think that for me the english words don't carry much emotional weight, so they won't trigger same reactions as native counterparts.

Also a mindset that with foreign girls, there is nothing to lose, since you won't be seeing them anyways. I guess only way to "fix" the problem with local girls is going way out there and getting those great reference experiences.

 

[Inbocca]

Damien,

I'm seeing a few things:

• "my mind sometimes still fucks with me" - despite your current skill level, you've had an issue with this mindset before
• "very few problems being dominant / aggressive with the girls of this exchange students groups" - you've had success with this demographic, your reference points are helping you, and you're more confident because of it
• "cold-approaching girls from my country I feel exactly what the commenter above said" - you've had less success with this demographic, your reference points are hindering you, and you correctly state that it's affecting your confidence level
• "If I meet girls through social settings, I do not have this problem" - you're more comfortable with social circle than cold approach, as are most people
• "I also didn't have this problem when I was cold approaching abroad" - despite being more comfortable with social circle, your success abroad gave you positive reference points for cold approach under certain circumstances

Based on this, you've shown that you're able to overcome the native country handicap (as evidenced by your success in social circle at home), and the cold approach handicap (you were able to do it abroad). Because of your experiences cold approaching at home, you're less confident in your ability to do it. Because it's been easier to use social circle at home, you've mainly used that and as a result now feel more confident doing so. When you were overseas, it wasn't as hard to cold approach because you had the exotic factor on your side, and now you feel more confident approaching overseas.

The thing is, it's not the exotic factor that gave you your confidence. Confidence only comes with reference points after trial and error and eventually getting enough success. You were just more comfortable doing it because of the exotic factor. The only way to get confidence cold approaching at home is that same trial and error. And yeah, your results are going to be different, but the confidence will come either way once you find a way to make it work.


A long way of saying what WoH said, but hopefully the explanation will make sense if you had any doubts.

 

[Damien]

Thanks for the answers guys, I guess I was hoping for an easier path, but seems like it's time to go back to the grindstone then.

One good thing though - I've had a certain level of success cold approaching abroad, so I know the possibilities because I have experienced them. Compared to my time before I went abroad, my motivation is way higher to cold approach. Even if it's painful momentarily to fail every time.