Mindset when approaching/dating regarding ego

[Alpha13SC]

Hi,

I have a few questions that I somehow answer myself, but I would like to find new perspectives from you, guys. The most important one is:
How much do you imply the ego in the process of approaching/dating/spending time with a girl?
I'm a gym/narcisistic guy, I tend to be egoistic with girls, but I became more aware about this and I can see where it can help me and when it can backfire. Now, this approach can help me behave more or like like an asshole, eg. I was with a girl one night, we were out, and she asked me how did I came, and my answer was "Well, I didn't had anything to do that night, so I choose to go out with you." which I think(now, then I was just laughing at this matter) it's rude to say to a girl. My whole mindset was actually being the man with her, leading and somehow we arrived in her bed.
Now, reading a whole new stuff on this site, I'm more aware of the emotions, how the girl feel, the emotional connection, relating to her and building some trust to make her telling me vulnerable stuff. Now, I this can make me feel more connected to the girl, but somehow I don't enjoy myself so much, instead I tend to focus more on her as a woman and appreciating her(less ego implied).
First way makes me feel more powerful, but I feel discomfort when something doesn't go as I want, the second one makes me forget about the ego, and I don't get hurt so easily, if something went wrong. In both ways, I enjoy the process of having a feminine presence near me.
How do you guys balance this?

Have a good day,
Alpha13S

 

[DarkKnight]

You know.. a lot of times when people show a lot of ego up front.. it is actually YOU being in autorejection/dismissive. This can harm attainability and mess up your interactions.

My go to is during daygame to pre-open and then start a bit high energy and I tend to go in warm. Not superwarm because I believe that will cause guards to be raised up, but slightly warm. And from here I calibrate to her behavior. Mirroring aloofness with aloofness, interest with interest.

I believe that being dismissive out of thin air or "arrogant" is ladder climbing behavior. In other words a paradigm where you do NOT feel worthy.

Just 2 days ago 2 girls were doing what you are doing and my bud went into autorejecting thinking those broads are "bitches" and they view him (he dared to say "us" hahha..) as a 6/7. So their behavior combined with his very low momentum spoiled the interaction for him. The girls were actually very low self esteem... I saw that from a glance when I entered the venue.

 

[Alpha13SC]

@DarkKnight I understand your pov, but it's not that. Think about a time when a girl was sucking your dick, in her knees, and she was almost worshiping it, rather than just trying to please you. It's a godly feeling, I could say and boost the ego so much. That the ego I'm talkin about, when you're enjoying so much being with a girl, because you're masculine and she's feminine. Do you think this also intersects with your oppinion?

 

[DarkKnight]

Think about a time when a girl was sucking your dick, in her knees, and she was almost worshiping it, rather than just trying to please you -> usually doesnt happening at opening or hooking phase lol!

But I get what you mean when you are already fucking.. sure dominate all you want. But with cold approach you need more calibration.

 

[Will_V]

I was thinking about this recently. I think it comes down to whether you feel capable of giving to her (particularly attention, validation and affection) while maintaining your ego.

The problem with ego is not the ego itself, but its fear of being ruined. Someone can be very egoistic and nice/generous/warm/friendly and they can also be very egoistic and rude/cold/dismissive, even fearful. The difference is whether the ego is extending itself outward to both give and take, or defensively pulling back and only demanding.

For the ego, the two acts of being too selfish or too nice are both ways of achieving the same thing: preventing a negative outcome. Many unbalanced people model their character around one of these. But someone who is egoistic and balanced, can offer with one hand and take with the other, they are not afraid of something far out in the future, but do what pleases them at any given time.

When I'm in bed with a girl, I'm extremely egoistic. But my egoism is not defensive, it is an act of self expression. It demands certain things, but it comes with a very powerful level of attention (which is what women mostly care about) as well as uninhibited expression of pleasure (which is very validating for her) and also, a certain kind of vulnerability. In a way, it is almost as if I am giving her the ability, in that moment, to be the star in the movie of my ego, to be the one through whom I express myself and, in a way, on whom it depends.

If I am the director of the movie, and I demand a lot from her, yet she is the one in the spotlight, the center of my attention, who's ego is really being validated the most?

 

[Alpha13SC]

Think about a time when a girl was sucking your dick, in her knees, and she was almost worshiping it, rather than just trying to please you -> usually doesnt happening at opening or hooking phase lol!

Yeah, but you remember the feeling, the mindset.

But I get what you mean when you are already fucking.. sure dominate all you want. But with cold approach you need more calibration.

Yes, but I'm not talking about this. I think, I can put it in other way. Do you do it for enjoying the process and her, or for enjoying yourself while you talk to a girl?(Supposing that you have a self image of a seducer who can do whatever he wants with girls)

I was thinking about this recently. I think it comes down to whether you feel capable of giving to her (particularly attention, validation and affection) while maintaining your ego.

The problem with ego is not the ego itself, but its fear of being ruined. Someone can be very egoistic and nice/generous/warm/friendly and they can also be very egoistic and rude/cold/dismissive, even fearful. The difference is whether the ego is extending itself outward to both give and take, or defensively pulling back and only demanding.

For the ego, the two acts of being too selfish or too nice are both ways of achieving the same thing: preventing a negative outcome. Many unbalanced people model their character around one of these. But someone who is egoistic and balanced, can offer with one hand and take with the other, they are not afraid of something far out in the future, but do what pleases them at any given time.

When I'm in bed with a girl, I'm extremely egoistic. But my egoism is not defensive, it is an act of self expression. It demands certain things, but it comes with a very powerful level of attention (which is what women mostly care about) as well as uninhibited expression of pleasure (which is very validating for her) and also, a certain kind of vulnerability. In a way, it is almost as if I am giving her the ability, in that moment, to be the star in the movie of my ego, to be the one through whom I express myself and, in a way, on whom it depends.

If I am the director of the movie, and I demand a lot from her, yet she is the one in the spotlight, the center of my attention, who's ego is really being validated the most?

I think you got my point right. In bed, this is more visible. But in interaction with girls(not just approaching), maybe after 1-2h let's say, when you and her already have a connection and can talk in a relaxed manner about different thing, you can be the asshole and feel you very confident, but also care for her, versus getting out of your head and focusing on her and how she s feeling. I feel like implying the ego can feel more rewarding, just because of the ego boost.

 

[Will_V]

Yeah, but you remember the feeling, the mindset.

Yes, but I'm not talking about this. I think, I can put it in other way. Do you do it for enjoying the process and her, or for enjoying yourself while you talk to a girl?(Supposing that you have a self image of a seducer who can do whatever he wants with girls)


I think you got my point right. In bed, this is more visible. But in interaction with girls(not just approaching), maybe after 1-2h let's say, when you and her already have a connection and can talk in a relaxed manner about different thing, you can be the asshole and feel you very confident, but also care for her, versus getting out of your head and focusing on her and how she s feeling. I feel like implying the ego can feel more rewarding, just because of the ego boost.

For me, everything with women is sexual, even the approach. It's just a question of how subtle.

I am overtly egoistic with girlfriends (not so much with fairly new girls, but again, it is only a question of degrees). But with girls I already have a good connection with, I am often egoistic to the point where she's not sure if I'm serious, because I find that doing so almost always arouses her (sometimes making her sexually aggressive), while falling into my frame. But my egoism is in no way defensive. If I try to do it when I am feeling defensive whatsoever it pushes her away.

On approaches/dates I am internally very egoistic (I have to be to be able to ask her to come home with me) but my focus is on her almost completely, and my egoism is completely nonverbal - it takes the form of assuming familiarity, quickly crossing the touch barrier, prolonged eye contact, demanding compliance of different kinds when she hardly knows me, leading in different ways.

I think the most crucial thing is that warm attention and nonreactive body language is what transforms egoism from something cold to something hot.

 

[Alpha13SC]

For me, everything with women is sexual, even the approach. It's just a question of how subtle.

I am overtly egoistic with girlfriends (not so much with fairly new girls, but again, it is only a question of degrees). But with girls I already have a good connection with, I am often egoistic to the point where she's not sure if I'm serious, because I find that doing so almost always arouses her (sometimes making her sexually aggressive), while falling into my frame. But my egoism is in no way defensive. If I try to do it when I am feeling defensive whatsoever it pushes her away.

On approaches/dates I am internally very egoistic (I have to be to be able to ask her to come home with me) but my focus is on her almost completely, and my egoism is completely nonverbal - it takes the form of assuming familiarity, quickly crossing the touch barrier, prolonged eye contact, demanding compliance of different kinds when she hardly knows me, leading in different ways.

I think the most crucial thing is that warm attention and nonreactive body language is what transforms egoism from something cold to something hot.

I understand, what you described is almost what I'm experiencing.
But how about this situation: in a conflict(drama relationship/etc), you're feeling egoistic, she's saying something that your ego doesn't appreciate. How do you react from that? The ego is hurt, but somehow, you need to change your point of view to her emotions, to see what made her do that, having a defensive behaviour.

 

[Will_V]

I understand, what you described is almost what I'm experiencing.
But how about this situation: in a conflict(drama relationship/etc), you're feeling egoistic, she's saying something that your ego doesn't appreciate. How do you react from that? The ego is hurt, but somehow, you need to change your point of view to her emotions, to see what made her do that, having a defensive behaviour.

It's very simple, I like to have control of the situation, so that I can make sure things go well for both of us. So I will do what I need to do to have that. Even if it means admitting to myself (and sometimes, to her, depending on how it will affect the outcome) my mistakes.

Not all egoism is rigid, sometimes it is very adaptable. Sometimes it seeks a certain end, and even shapes its own identity toward that end. Is it more egoistic to go out and approach women, or to avoid it? No one can say, because they are different kinds of egoism.

For me, I want to be the most capable man I can be, that is my egoistic goal. But if something holds me back from that (even aspects of my own ego) it has to be put in its place. This is a constructive ego, the type that seeks development and growth, which a women feels comfortable submitting to.

 

[DarkKnight]

Yeah, but you remember the feeling, the mindset.

Yes but your question was not about remembering feelings, it was about usable mindsets to adjust your behavior, which is what I am referring to. I quote you:

"I'm a gym/narcisistic guy, I tend to be egoistic with girls, but I became more aware about this and I can see where it can help me and when it can backfire. Now, this approach can help me behave more or like like an asshole,"

In other words this is a behavior question. To which I replied with you need more calibration in order not to mess up attainability.

Otherwise sure remember/feel the girl you fucked previously and feel like a king when you open a new girl and behave super entitled. Might work, probably not.

"Yes, but I'm not talking about this. I think, I can put it in other way. Do you do it for enjoying the process and her, or for enjoying yourself while you talk to a girl?(Supposing that you have a self image of a seducer who can do whatever he wants with girls)"

Your OP literally was about how your behavior from asshole frame can backfire. See above quote. Also indeed what you enjoy more.

I enjoy succes more so I go for calibration, or the girl has to act like an over the top entitled princess, then calibration goes out of the window and I become an asshole. Usually I do not enjoy that convo anymore though...