monogamy with a girl who is still too friendly with her polyamorous ex

[letsdoit]

I've been in a relationship with a girl for around 6 months. We share the same social circle, and it might have been a bit bumpy road initially to kick things off but I course corrected and I think she has fallen in love with me or at least her interest is in the 90s. She takes care of me in all ways, especially when I was super busy with a big project. Cannot get enough of me in bedroom and I think I'm quite rocking her world as well in that area for now at least. I tried to not see her too often but lately we see each other and spend time together a lot, like 5 days a week. We've been spending most nights together. She wants to see me almost every day. We have a big trip planned in two months where we go away together for a month. I think we're passed playing games (for the moment) and are quite open and comfortable with each other. We're still definitely in NRE and honeymoon phase though. That much I can understand.

I've been considering to say "I love you" to her but been holding myself back a bit. I got really hurt in my last 2-years long relationship and don't wanna play all my cards super easily.
She seems to wanna say something more as well but sticks to her guns for now, telling how dear I am to her. And how much she likes me. She hasn't dropped the L word from her initiative.

I was considering to say it, but recently seen some things, that makes me rethink this.
We weren't even official-official until quite recently. It was just some weeks ago she mentioned, she is my girlfriend.
I've met her mom but we haven't really been properly introduced.

I have strong feelings to her and at least for now she has for me too. But some things are just making me cautious. I've learned everything can very fluctuating and temporary. And as I said we had a bit bumpy start in the beginning at some point, so I've seen the "cold" side of her for a brief moment already. So that makes me reality check things.

The things I had put out of my mind but now came back again, is one of her ex. Prior to me, she had a relationship with a polyamorous man. He only saw him briefly max once a week and just for time together. They never went out together publicly etc. I guess one can say, she was his fuckbuddy. But more than that, they're both spiritual and feelings were certainly involved and I feel still is. They ended the sexual relationship, as she said she couldn't handle it and juggle the feelings. He denied him more time and monogamy but would have continued the arrangement. She even said she prefers monogamy but could also deal with polyamory in theory. Just she couldn't handle it with him.

Anyway, the dude still lives in the same apartment building as she. And I wasn't at all snooping around at all. But I found out, she still goes to take a bath at his place sometimes, and they meet up. Even now. They call each other with same "dear" names she calls me. And she goes to his drawing class and do some spiritual exercises together. She says they're good friend. I know what that means, she is keeping her options around and safety net to fall back into. Happened with my last relationship where my ex went to our mutual "friend" who was orbiting her entire time we were together and even prior.
I'm almost 100% sure they don't have sex right now. And they're also not seeing that often. They do share some logistics in that apartment building, so yeah, they have to meet up but they also want to.
This makes me think about Blackdragon. I don't wanna be that champ she is doing "long soft next for temporary monogamy" with to go back to his poly guys in a few months or a year.

In our circles, somewhat it shows strength to not get attached and share feelings etc.
I can do that with fuck buddies. But polyamory seems hard for me. I don't really wanna share someone I get more deeply connected with. At least not when something wasn't planned and discussed like that from the very start.

I don't know what to do exactly. I was cautious in developing bigger feelings but let myself go in recent times but now when I found out, this still very much continues, it's a turnoff. A reality check. Puts me on my toes again.
I don't wanna jump ahead of things but from just some things, she seems somehow not the one I can be in long-term relationship without problems (to get passed the NRE). She hints she wants to be though talking about some longer milestones. But I feel she is too much of an explorer, party girl, independent etc. I know she dropped her ex-ex before the poly guy in some unpleasant way. I don't know too exactly.

I have some other options. But just more in the level of that I have some other girls that I'm into, in my pool that I know are into me but we haven't done anything, so no intimate connection in super easy reach without having to go work for it.

For now we've established a relationship with this current girl, so I cannot just go and screw around other women right now and I don't want to at the moment either but build a connection with her. I also don't want to address that other dude. We already did briefly some time ago and thats that. For me it's just a pretty big turnoff. It also makes me feel as a one-down potentially and I don't like this one bit.

She is 28, I'm 34.

I used to be just really intuitive with these things but after getting myself familiar with (evolutionary) psychology after my last breakup, I'm doing things with calculated way.

Should I end things with her? Even though things are going very nicely for now...
Did I screen badly?

 

[ProblemSolving]

Hey Letsdoit,

I've been considering to say "I love you" to her

Don't. Wait for her to say it first.

It was just some weeks ago she mentioned, she is my girlfriend.

Haha told you earlier. She was acting like a girlfriend. She already assumed you were exclusive.

And I wasn't at all snooping around at all. But I found out, she still goes to take a bath at his place sometimes, and they meet up. Even now.

How did you find out? Did she tell you willingly or did you have to pry? Definite red flag here.

If she told you willingly, then I'd say something along the lines of: "Hey, just want to make sure we're on the same page here. But why were you at this guy's house? You can see why this would make me a bit suspicious right? Unless of course, you're okay with me hanging out with my exes?"

Don't be angry or emotional, just be calm and relaxed and see what she says. If she's serious about you, she'll drop this guy like a bad habit. If she's not serious about you, she'll get emotional and make excuses. In which case, dump her ass and never look back.

They call each other with same "dear" names she calls me. And she goes to his drawing class and do some spiritual exercises together. She says they're good friend. I know what that means, she is keeping her options around and safety net to fall back into.

Totally unacceptable. You are correct.

When you're setting boundaries, don't be emotional. Be calm and state your expectations that seeing this guy is not gonna fly. You've got enough to worry about. You don't want to be wasting energy worrying about which guy she's hanging out with. Again, if she gets upset or makes excuses, dump that ass.

It doesn't sound like your girl is being malicious - it rarely starts that way. However, this behavior will cause problems eventually if you don't nip it in the bud.

Did I screen badly?

I think it's important for men to take responsibility for failed relationships because relationships are so damn predictable. In your case, it could be a case of bad screening. When you know the girl is partier and has a high partner count, it's generally better to keep her in the casual bin.

 

[letsdoit]

yeah, the sticky part in the situation is. She doesn't know I know, she goes to bath in his place. And that I know how they interact with each other.
I saw something by accident that I probably wasn't supposed to see.

She told me willingly she is doing that drawing class in his place and about that spiritual study he is teaching her sometimes. But we weren't official boyfriend-girlfriend at the time, but just dating, so it wasn't for me to say what she can and cannot do with other dudes. It would be weird now for me to address that after all this time... I could bring it up though maybe, the next time she brings up something involving him.

She has cut down parting and going out lately, when I've noticed her feelings for me have grown. I don't even know why exactly. I just got super busy and in the same time, it seems her feelings to me have grown.

 

[letsdoit]

I just read this https://www.girlschase.com/content/her-e ... re-what-do

And feel now quite in a stupid place.
And unsure what to do.

Seems I don't really have grounds to bring anything up, or call her out without sounding weak nor I can really do anything else than either leave the situation (even though things seemed to go great) or just accept it that she will sooner or later leave and never fully devote. Even though it has felt she was starting to.

Any further advice?

Quite puzzled. I have that trip planned, should i cancel?

She even admitted he has a key to her place. Because of the apartment building situation. Having thought about it, this is all a turnoff for me.

 

[Guest0291]

she goes to bath in his place

She even admitted he has a key to her place.

They call each other with same "dear" names she calls me.

and they meet up. Even now

Strong pattern here. Why are you entertaining any of this behavior?

Seems I don't really have grounds to bring anything up

You already listed the many grounds you have to bring something up.

Think of it like this: You are very into this woman, to the point of wanting to say you love her. Do your exes have a key to your place? Are you meeting up with your exes on the regular, or going to an optional class they are in? (Optional as in it's not required for university study)

Sounds like she doesn't have strong feelings for you at all. And that bullshit is downright wrong for her to do if you guys are in a relationship. I'd be a man and leave her ass behind. Wouldn't even bother doing the whole "lay down expectations" thing, why waste more time. Move on.

 

[letsdoit]

I don't think she is malicious at the moment either but it sure does this might cause problems sooner or later.

The thing is that I cannot really say how I know without me sounding like I was snooping around. And making me look weak. So it feels as a lose-lose scenario for me. I had just begun to trust her. If she unwillingly drops the communication then she might resent me for that. The only "positive" outcome for me would seem, if she would totally deny it and talk back to me or whatever. Then I'd know she is not worth the energy and my time and I could break up with her and concentrate my energy elsewhere.

I knew about the drawing class for some time. The key I learned about some weeks ago. Didn't know about how they talk to each other nor the bathing.
She does talk to some other dudes like that as well though.

Like I said, we weren't really together-together at the time. So I didn't say I don't like that. Also I was thinking of not getting too involved and also was trying to see whether I could not be attached at all. After things getting more serious and intimate, I don't like this any more. Is it ok to change one's opinion?

 

[ProblemSolving]

If she unwillingly drops the communication then she might resent me for that.

Tough luck. If hanging out with this guy is more important to her than her relationship with you, then kick this chick to the curb and never look back. If this chick is worth having around, she'll drop him and not be upset about it.

I dealt with this a lot in the past. Girls with lots of orbiting guy friends. Every time I've laid out expectations early in the relationship, for example : don't hang out with other guys, unless you're cool with me hanging out with other girls, I've always had a positive outcome. They drop the guys with no questions asked, though sometimes they complain that they miss all the attention that they got from the orbiters haha. But it's a small price to pay for her, when compared to competing with other girls and the risk of losing me.

The only "positive" outcome for me would seem, if she would totally deny it and talk back to me or whatever. Then I'd know she is not worth the energy and my time and I could break up with her and concentrate my energy elsewhere.

The other possible outcome is that she realizes the insecurity that she's bringing into the relationship and cuts that shit out because she could lose you because of it.

If she doesn't think it's a big deal if you hang out with exes and other girls, then it's time to start looking for a replacement. You could either dump her immediately or continue to see her while lining up a replacement.

 

[Seppuku]

Hey letsdoit,

Sorry to read this. I hate to say it, but your intuition was giving you warnings about this situation, from the very beginning, when you first wrote about this here last year. And if your intuition is telling you things, there is usually a good reason for it.

What strikes me is the security imbalance in your relationship. She's secure. You're not. You're the one wanting to voice out love. You're the one who's been waiting for her to make the relationship official. You're the one who decided that you don't want to see other girls on the side. So... she knows she has you. And she's confident she can maintain the link with this polyamorous ex. It is the wrong dynamic. It should be the other way around. You give her security... only to a certain extent, but not as much as she would like. That would keep her on her toes in order to keep you.

I agree with what the other guys said here. It's not an acceptable behavior. If a girl I've been seeing comes to my home to have a bath, I'm pretty sure it won't be just a bath. I would start seeing other girls right away and demote her from girlfriend status to casual status. First, it would boost your self esteem immediately. Second, it would reestablish the dynamic in the right direction. Third, you may have a positive surprise when she doesn't feel secure anymore about you. Except that, at this stage you don't really care anymore since she's now casual status

Remember, you're in a much stronger position if you're not afraid to lose her.

Good luck!

Cheers,
Seppuku

 

[letsdoit]

Thanks for your replies and feedback guys!

I have kept my mouth shut about the poly ex so far. Like I said I found out about it by accident, and I don't want to be seen as I've been snooping around on her stuff.
Should I still confront her? She has said we're monogamous (we were talking about it some time ago as we were both having some health issues and we needed to do a check on what is on the cards or on play), so it would be cheating for sure on her part...

I have also kept my mouth shut about anything love related.
We do exchange "dear" words but it's her starting them and I've been mostly keeping it like that. Sometimes I reply and reciprocate with the same, sometimes not.

We spent a weekend together on a small get-away and she actually splurt out "I love you baby". It was kind of casual, her while going into another room and kind of from far away. So I didn't shout anything back.
And got away with not saying anything back as it was a bit random

Felt like she was out of casual romantic words, so she needed to take it up a notch, I don't know.
It also feels like she just "wants to have me" and feel even more secure.
This power struggle is exhausting if I put it like this. I haven't thought about the last few weeks at least, I have a lot of other stuff on my plate.

She also gave me the key to her apartment a week ago. Out of the blue. Logistically, I haven't really needed it at all.
I asked why is that. It's not that I've needed it really so far. And kind of jokingly brought up the ex by then, asking jokingly if he took it away form him. No, she said she did a new one. She turned quite serious when saying that. Maybe I should have brought it up then. Maybe I'll bring it up next time. I just don't know how without me being caught up in snooping in her stuff. Any ideas?

Yeah, my intuition definitely hasn't been all wrong. That's why I'm hanging back now and being a bit careful and not going all in to her tries to advance things. She did met my parents though, didn't have a chance to avoid it. I must have been doing more things right than wrong lately so her attraction has been rising and she wants to hang out more and more hitting me up every day and is in almost "I love you" phase. I guess the ex is not heavily in the picture the very moment but I cannot rule it out that he was just a month ago.
Since they continue to live in the same tight-knit commune building, then he also remains easily accessible in any moment.

I haven't been thinking about it lately, but if I put it like that and read your feedbacks, that does makes me feel uncomfortable in this relationship.
Especially when we go away together when we need to relay on each other for a month and trust each other. Can we really?

She still gets hit on a lot while we're out and that kind of bothers me too still. Didn't bother me at all in my last relationships because I felt secure.
But now it bothers me with her. She makes more effort to show she is with me though.

And she is all other ways all over me. Taking care of me and actually just introduced me to her parents and brought me to her childhood home.
So, it's a tough call. Should I just say to her, that I've heard that there's still things going on with her and her ex, and I cannot really accept it in my relationships and cannot be in the middle of it, an say her I'll back away?

She is going out by herself rarely lately, could also be though that he is quite broke at the moment.
I have been paying more for stuff when we're out together lately. Not ideal I know, but I wanna do stuff and as she has been broke...

I guess it would definitely not hurt to hang out more with other girls, I agree.
It's just that I'm in a bit bad spot in my life health-wise. So it's a bit hard.

I do have an option to go to a trip though by myself and with some girls. I'll try to take that.

Thanks again!

 

[ProblemSolving]

Should I still confront her? She has said we're monogamous (we were talking about it some time ago as we were both having some health issues and we needed to do a check on what is on the cards or on play), so it would be cheating for sure on her part...

Like a said, it's unlikely that she has cheated on you at this point. I've never been in a relationship with a girl that has cheated on me, but I have been the side guy plenty of times. Girls cheat primarily for two reasons: first, the boyfriend was too weak, didn't make her invest, and second, the boyfriend cheated first and she wants to get back at him.

You didn't make any of those slip ups, so it's unlikely that she has cheated on you. However, hanging out with this other is guy is playing with fire, especially when you aren't hanging out with other girls.

And kind of jokingly brought up the ex by then, asking jokingly if he took it away form him. No, she said she did a new one. She turned quite serious when saying that. Maybe I should have brought it up then. Maybe I'll bring it up next time. I just don't know how without me being caught up in snooping in her stuff. Any ideas?

This is clearly eating away at you, so be man and deal with the problem. The reason you have so much apprehension about addressing this problem is because you're in scarcity right now. Sure, you might look a bit weak admitting that you went through her stuff, but SHE is the one hanging out with another dude.

I take it you found out this info by creeping her phone? If that's the case, just jokingly grab the phone out of her hand when she's texting, "Let's see who little Kayla is texting" with a cheeky grin. Find the incriminating texts and ask her about them.

If she's guilty, she'll panic. If she's innocent, she won't give a shit. Win-win.

She still gets hit on a lot while we're out and that kind of bothers me too still. Didn't bother me at all in my last relationships because I felt secure.
But now it bothers me with her.

This is a problem. When you're in scarcity everything and everyone seems like a threat to your security and when you have abundance, you're unshakable.

I guess it would definitely not hurt to hang out more with other girls, I agree.

The health of your relationship likely depends on it.

I do have an option to go to a trip though by myself and with some girls. I'll try to take that

Please do.

 

[letsdoit]

I had largely forgot about it because of the nice way she acted recently.
But then someone replied here, I got a notice and checked it out, and of course when I read it, it comes back to haunt me.

I didn't creep on her phone intentionally. I would not do that. I think I did one level less bad action. But still.
She forgot her Facebook account open to my computer the other day and it was there. So I didn't deliberately go and sneak up on her.
But when the browser messenger window popped up and I saw they had talked something with "dear" words (same she has been calling me), then I clicked to find out more.

 

[letsdoit]

ok, I asked about if she still has something with her ex.
it randomly just came out of me, when something seemed connected to it.

I didn't mention that I've seen her message about taking a bath at his place or that I saw how they call each other.

she said nothing is going on and they only very rarely communicate, only when it's some house arrangements.
ok, was she lying then or hiding? or white lying. I mean even if she did just went there for a bath, then she failed to mention it to me now.
I do believe her actually that she just went to take bath and they didn't have sex. Maybe I'm naive. I mean the people in this community are quite open and she does has a very shitty shower arrangements at his place, it's ofter broken and used by more than one apartment.

she did turn pretty serious though and had a bit guilty feel to it. But I also brought it up after I had pulled one scare/suprise prank to her, so it might have been one or the other.

I never actually never in my mind thought girls could be cheating on me (emotionally/sexually). that has changed after my last relationship where my ex was emotioanlly cheating on me the last few months and I was stupid not to notice. Now it's hard to pull out of that though-pattern.

should have brought up the stuff that I saw some of her messages but in some reason I didn't.

I guess I can still bring it up, saying I saw the messages now not some time ago.

I'm not afraid or loosing her. I mean I would prefer to be with her but there are many girls around me and I can build connection with.
It's just I have some health issues, and would prefer to have a girlfriend right now to support me. And she has been very supportive.

I know I'm not really there yet with my mindsets and frame but most of the time I'm getting there.
It's just shit can sometimes still get be unbalanced. But it happens rarer and rarer.
Like I said, I have some scary health shit going on right now, which I hope will resolve but at the moment I'm waiting for some answers, so it's a shitty time.