- Joined
- Nov 14, 2017
- Messages
- 315
When it comes to PIV sex, it's not just a single form of intimacy. Really, there's a ladder, here shown from most to least intimacy:
- Ejaculating into her vagina when birth control status is nil or unknown, and conveying acceptance of the possibility of a baby. This is really the ultimate trust and acceptance!
- Ejaculating into her vagina when birth control status is nil or unknown... even though you definitely don't want her pregnant. In which case you're rather stupid. Or love playing chicken against buses.
- Ejaculating into her vagina when she says she's using birth control. Tons of trust. (I've a buddy with a kid which it came out in the wash was due to her lying. In an ironic twist, she later gave up custody to him.)
- Natural sex and pulling out. Lots of trust both ways, and pregnancy is still a real possibility.
- Sex with condoms. Fairly safe; least intimate.
There are pros and cons to all of this, and it's up to you (and her) to decide what you're willing to do with a given woman on a given occasion. Obviously if you venture up the ladder often enough and/or with enough partners, you're going to wind up with diseases (which is bad) and/or children (which could be good and/or bad).
It would seem the natural progression with a given woman would be to start at the bottom and possibly go up the ladder eventually once there is more trust.
Mind you, in some cases it might be smoother to start higher; in particular (4) and up could be easier than (5) due to the break in escalation, and (2) and up could be easier than (3) due to not having to converse rationally in the moment. Some women may even find (5) dispassionate or clinical.
Furthermore, something tells me it may actually be harder in some cases to proceed up the ladder later on, at least unless it's a monogamous relationship - which has it's own cons. At the very early stages of the (using the term loosely) relationship, she is being "swept off her feet" and so may be less rational than she might be later on when sex with you has become a more normal, everyday type of event. (This is a particularly relevant question for me, because I ultimately want fatherhood but not monogamy.)
But what about moving down the ladder? Suppose your very first time with her started somewhere higher up on the ladder. Maybe you were stupid or lost in the heat of the moment. Or perhaps it was a calculated risk. (The calculation* is Rn = 1 - (1 - R1)ⁿ, which of course goes up rapidly with n, the number of exposures.) Maybe you didn't want to risk the sequence break of going for protection. Maybe it's motivation. Or symbolic. Or what have you.
How hard is it to de-escalate on the risk ladder? Higher levels express more trust and acceptance, so might it in some way make the woman feel disappointed or insulted if, on the next occasion, you went down to a lower level?
In particular, I could see coming down from (1) being super-hard if you happened to trigger the maternal instinct, as it could be a huge let-down if she really likes you.
I'm not sure how possible it would be to trigger that so quickly, though. The usual common sense would tend to dictate that she's not going to go into baby mode until many months or more into a committed relationship. Of course, in this domain, common sense is oft wrong, and I can't help but think of how female animals are probably in baby mode right from first mating. (I often look at the mating behaviour of other animals because we're not as far from them as we like to think.) Babies from one night stands are not unheard of, even where the mother had easy access to post-coital contraception and abortion.
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* This assumes that exposures are independent events, which is not necessarily true, particularly with the same woman. Rn is the fractional probability for risk of n exposures. Finding R1, the single-act risk, is the fun part!
