My Broken Trigger Finger

[Smiling_Stray]

It's been a while since I've written jack shit on here so I'm just gonna cut right to it:
I've been told many times i'm good looking guy, Every time I talk it's to flirt in some capacity (at least enough to isolate a girl dripping wet), yet somehow, EVERY DAMN TIME, I drop the ball two seconds away from the finish line over the bed (sometimes actually right next to the bed).

If my tone comes off as pissed, you'd be pretty damn close. I'm just frustrated beyond measure (I'll cool off in a few, this isn't rare for me). My breaking point came today when a girl I had talked to previously at my college over a coffee pot in a very close, sexual proximity (she practically was a movement away from grinding yours truly) noticed me walking out and followed, eventually passing very slowly. I recognized her and called out her name "(name), right?)" she remembered me as well but not my name (she was close).

Very quickly the conversation moves to her asking me to give her a ride home. I agreed to do so, I show her the way to my car and we continue talking she complements me and goes on to give me her entire backstory as to why she moved here (she kept asking screening questions that were great for conversation). My car is pretty tight so when she looked over at me, she was less than a foot away from my face (I swear, I remembered her eye color the second she sat in the car). As we go she gives directions and we end up at the front door of her apartment complex. She doesn't hesitate to tell me the room number and give a verbal tour of the entire building. I asked for a tour instead but she keeps going as if she didn't hear me (which is possible, this wasn't my most social day so my voice was still pretty quiet.). I turn off the car and she asks why to which I reply "You're going up, right?" and she answers "Yeah, but you're not" and continues on about the place. Like a an idiot, I kinda went with it and the conversation comes to a natural end after a minute or two at which she says "Alright well I better get up there, my Boyfriend's probably waiting. I don't think he'd like it if I brought another guy up with me." (I don't doubt the boyfriend was bullshit) Again, like an idiot, I went with it. We hugged each other goodbye, made reference to a class she was briefly in with me (we never talked), and parted ways as she reassured me she'd remember my name.

This sort of thing happens often, I get a window, recognize it, yet still somehow fucking miss it. And when I do manage to make the escalation window, I'm usually met with some sort of last second resistance of which I deal with pretty badly (don't even mention dates, although set up frequently, It's at the point where I expect a flake that kills the whole thing). It's my annoying little personal hell, I can't seem to get out of no matter how hard I try. I'm surprised the wall nor my fist have broken yet! How the fuck does a guy get outta this shit? I've been dealing with this over the course of an increasingly frustrating one year dry-spell. Any help or advice is greatly appreciated (I'm open to all forms of communication as necessary).

 

[Chase]

Wanderer-

Just gotta get back on the saddle and give it another go.

A lot of these "keep making the same mistake" situations require you to just make the mistake enough times, and get angry at yourself enough times, that when you end up in the situation again you finally override whatever fear or hesitation that's kept you from doing the right thing, and instead of doing the wrong thing you at last do the right thing.

Then once you've done the right thing a few times, it becomes the easier/more natural thing to do, and you don't make that same mistake anymore. Eventually you look back and can't believe you ever used to make that mistake. "How silly of me!" you say.

Here's a tip for your particular stumbling block: require yourself to persist at least three times after an initial rejection.

Like so:

• You: You're going up right?
  
  Her: Yeah, but you're not!
  
  You: Eh, I'll come up for a bit. You've got water there right? [persistence #1]
  
  Her: No, you're not coming.
  
  You: Oh come on. We're having fun. I don't want our fun to end just because we've reached your home. I won't stay long if you don't want me to. You lead the way. [persistence #2]
  
  Her: Sorry Wanderer, you're not coming! I've got to study for my philosophy exam tomorrow.
  
  You: I won't distract you. I promise. I'll even get you snacks and drinks while you're studying. We can snuggle and it won't distract you one bit. I want you to pass. [persistence #3]
  
  Her: [laughs] Okay fine. But if you distract me even a little you have to go!
  
  You: Deal. Let's go.

It doesn't have to be as elegant as that. The first few times you persist it likely won't be. But as you do it, you'll get better at it. Just be cool, non-pushy, but still persistent, and you'll be able to persist well.

Adopt that "3 persistence attempts after a failed transition" rule for a bit to get yourself over that hump.

Then once you're over the hump you can drop the rule and persist where persistence feels appropriate and not persist where it doesn't feel appropriate. However for now, when you're overruling your instincts / not listening to them, you need to build a habit of "always persist X times" until you're comfortable enough with it you can do it naturally without any rules.

You'll get it. You just need a little discipline. And a shred of practice.

Chase