My Dad Wants to Start a Family Business... I Don't

[pks391]

Aye everyone,

Lately my dad has been slowly pushing me to try to agree that I will be working in a family business with him, my mom, and siblings.
He wants to start an online magazine, and wants me to write for it since I know a lot about the topic he wants to do, which he also knows about.

The thing is, I have no desire to become a writer, and I have no burning inspiration to slog through what it takes to start an online magazine business. I like writing and may start a personal blog on this same topic, but I will be using that blog to sell courses I created and what not, but I have no intention of turning it into a full fledged business. I'd rather just have a standard career in this field rather than just write about it, since it is artistic and hires quite a bit and I am passionate about it, so the outlook is good if you are good enough, which I intend to be.

Furthermore, and the bigger problem here, is that my Dad can be impossible to deal with. He blows up easily, it takes hours to communicate a simple fact to him because he will often think you're saying one thing when you're actually explaining something totally different, and furthermore, he doesn't have enough respect for me (he will frequently ignore me when I am talking, he will cut down what I say as if it has no value, and he views me as a simple child rather than someone respectable or equal to him), which is not a good precedent if I am going to be investing time and energy into something during my youth (I am 20 years old). It's also not good mentally, since I will be forced to interact with someone who views me as less than him.

Just for concrete details, I have a bachelor's degree already and 0 debt (skipped a lot of grades and did an early entrance into college program). I live with my family still, but am moving out in 6 months.

As for his reasoning, he believes that family businesses are stronger businesses since they can be passed down, and he believes in keeping family together. While I agree, especially in context with family, that our family usually has my best interests at heart and aren't the type to leave me hanging and really do support me for the most part (the exceptions being mentioned above), I have no desire to be living near them for the majority of my youth or living in the state we live in now.

Finally, he has no experience running a business or magazine and I do not want to stress out about that or spend my younger days investing in something that not only doesn't pan out, but also contributes to personal problems for me like bringing down my mental state and self esteem while distracting me from my own goals. He's not an idiot, he's good with finances and has good life advice to offer (I listen to people even if they hate me or disrespect me since they still might have good knowledge to offer), but the lack of experience running a business like that concerns me on top of the other points I've mentioned.

He generally cares about me and he's not a complete asshole or anything, but the points I've mentioned above bother me to the point that I don't want to take this path. And spending that much time around him as well, I don't know how that would affect me in the future, since he's not somebody I want to be like. However, I wanted to get some input from other members so I'm not jumping the gun here. Dealing with family can be tough, so I could use advice and pointers.


My questions are:
1. Am I viewing this whole thing wrong?
2. If I am not, and my worst fears seem legitimate, how do I explain this?
3. What were your experiences living near family or moving away from family? How did that affect you for better or worse?



There's probably a fuck ton of grammatical errors, typed this on my phone. Fair warning haha

1. Am I viewing this whole thing wrong?
Your question is quite subjective. I understand where you're coming from, you said you wanna start a blog about this stuff.....don't you think building yourself up as a brand will run into the same problems as your dad will when he starts his business? I mean, sure the platforms are different, but having someone like family with you might not be so bad. You could just write a few articles for your dad and see how it goes....

Furthermore, and the bigger problem here, is that my Dad can be impossible to deal with. He blows up easily, it takes hours to communicate a simple fact to him because he will often think you're saying one thing when you're actually explaining something totally different, and furthermore, he doesn't have enough respect for me (he will frequently ignore me when I am talking, he will cut down what I say as if it has no value, and he views me as a simple child rather than someone respectable or equal to him), which is not a good precedent if I am going to be investing time and energy into something during my youth (I am 20 years old). It's also not good mentally, since I will be forced to interact with someone who views me as less than him.

Dude, my dad and many other dads whom I've asked about from my friends are all like this. Mine is worse than yours. Let me tell you how. See, i have a semi professional degree in accountancy and tax, i wanted to start a business of tax returns, my dad being in this field himself never offered any sort of help in referring any clients to me despite my enthusiasm...now i don't blame him or anything but thats just him......i wasn't mad at him for that.....i even wanted to learn my home language (Gujarati) its a regional language in India which is my dads mother tongue. My dad flat out refused and i had to teach myself the whole thing. The end result was that i only learnt to write it and not read it. It would've been nice if my dad could help me out but he didn't. Not very supportive. I am 24 btw.......my dad treats me more of a fool than yours....he cuts me in the middle of every sentence and misconstrues everything,...not once has he treated me as an equal and has put me down many times but when he needs my help in something i try my best to offer it to him....because he's still my dad and he has done many things in life for me. Btw this is my perspective on things, i am merely offering it to you......you should give it a try and help your dad out, if it doesn't work out politely tell your dad that this isn't working out and walk.....

Finally, he has no experience running a business or magazine and I do not want to stress out about that or spend my younger days investing in something that not only doesn't pan out, but also contributes to personal problems for me like bringing down my mental state and self esteem while distracting me from my own goals. He's not an idiot, he's good with finances and has good life advice to offer (I listen to people even if they hate me or disrespect me since they still might have good knowledge to offer), but the lack of experience running a business like that concerns me on top of the other points I've mentioned.

Many great adventures (Business adventures) start out at point zero.....doesn't mean that they will fail.....you need to trust in it atleast until the options are out.
I could only answer question no 1....question 2 is also slightly covered.....question 3, requires a book and not a post.....

My whole point in all of this is that if you say you're passionate but don't wanna make this into a business then don't, you don't wanna be like your dad, thats fine you're not wrong.....but your dad could be on to something and this may help you out in finding your own path to success....give it a try.......if it doesn't work out then it gives you more reasons to tell your dad that this isn't something cut out for you.....you don't wanna write many articles,,,,write a few....help your dad out.....from my point of view, if my dad did something like that, i would really appreciate it since i want to start a business myself......

But remember, this is from my point of view, i could be wrong too....

 

[ray_zorse]

I can speak authoritatively on this topic having worked for my father's business for like 12yrs and tried to make it a career, my advice is NEVER WORK FOR YOUR FAMILY OR CONSIDER ANY KIND OF BUSINESS DEALINGS WITH THEM NO MATTER HOW ATTRACTIVE THE OPPORTUNITY MIGHT SEEM. DON'T!

The reason I say this is that roles become confused, you don't know if you are relating to your dad as a dad or as a boss (or business partner as the case may be)... you want your father's approval which is a deeply programmed, innate and somewhat healthy behaviour (although we have to move past this as we get older and gain maturity and begin to specialize and exceed our father's skills in some chosen field, it never 100% goes away)... we don't necessarily need our boss's approval and indeed we need to be ready to walk at a moment's notice if what the boss offers us is no longer of net benefit to us. Whereas your dad/boss will try to emotionally manipulate you to believe what's best for the company i.e. HIM is also best for the family i.e. YOU. Whether he realizes it or not he can slip on the "dad hat" at any time and e.g. withhold parental approval until you do/agree with a certain thing/whatever.

Well, maybe you are more emotionally robust than I was, but I believed at the time that everything I (and my dad/boss) did was coldly rational and aimed at succeeding in the shared goal of putting a roof over the heads of my family and paying down the family debts. I had no idea of the emotional dimension until it was too late and I'd basically had a nervous breakdown by taking all the responsibility for this impossible task onto my own shoulders and spending years bashing my head against it with little support from other family members who at times seemed to be actively working AGAINST this goal! No no no!

It's a very unhealthy relationship because the bottom line is YOU, I fucked myself over good by accepting a nominal salary for like 12 years believing I had a share in the business, when success finally came that was ironically what killed us, expanded too fast and chaos ensued due to my dad's bad management, my opinion wasn't listened to, nothing was in writing about my supposed stake in the company and I walked away flat broke and with many of my family relationships including with my mum and dad in tatters. It has taken a decade to rebuild and still to be honest I don't really trust them. JUST DON'T DO IT!!

Ray

 

[pks391]

I can speak authoritatively on this topic having worked for my father's business for like 12yrs and tried to make it a career, my advice is NEVER WORK FOR YOUR FAMILY OR CONSIDER ANY KIND OF BUSINESS DEALINGS WITH THEM NO MATTER HOW ATTRACTIVE THE OPPORTUNITY MIGHT SEEM. DON'T!

The reason I say this is that roles become confused, you don't know if you are relating to your dad as a dad or as a boss (or business partner as the case may be)... you want your father's approval which is a deeply programmed, innate and somewhat healthy behaviour (although we have to move past this as we get older and gain maturity and begin to specialize and exceed our father's skills in some chosen field, it never 100% goes away)... we don't necessarily need our boss's approval and indeed we need to be ready to walk at a moment's notice if what the boss offers us is no longer of net benefit to us. Whereas your dad/boss will try to emotionally manipulate you to believe what's best for the company i.e. HIM is also best for the family i.e. YOU. Whether he realizes it or not he can slip on the "dad hat" at any time and e.g. withhold parental approval until you do/agree with a certain thing/whatever.

Well, maybe you are more emotionally robust than I was, but I believed at the time that everything I (and my dad/boss) did was coldly rational and aimed at succeeding in the shared goal of putting a roof over the heads of my family and paying down the family debts. I had no idea of the emotional dimension until it was too late and I'd basically had a nervous breakdown by taking all the responsibility for this impossible task onto my own shoulders and spending years bashing my head against it with little support from other family members who at times seemed to be actively working AGAINST this goal! No no no!

It's a very unhealthy relationship because the bottom line is YOU, I fucked myself over good by accepting a nominal salary for like 12 years believing I had a share in the business, when success finally came that was ironically what killed us, expanded too fast and chaos ensued due to my dad's bad management, my opinion wasn't listened to, nothing was in writing about my supposed stake in the company and I walked away flat broke and with many of my family relationships including with my mum and dad in tatters. It has taken a decade to rebuild and still to be honest I don't really trust them. JUST DON'T DO IT!!

Ray

Ray,
That's a pretty harsh ending to it.....although i do agree about the dad not listening to an opinion and about the mismanagement as well.....it happens on my side a lot as well.....

 

[trashKENNUT]

Hi Guys,

Take a famous example: Donald Trump and Bret Hart, The Hart family

Clear roles:

Father (Loving)
Businessman (Lines drawn)

or basically, One person is number 1. The other is number 2.

Most people can't do it. Hell, if i myself regards Chase as a friend but then sometimes i regards him as a teacher, then there's a problem because he can't see me this way and that way and change in-between all the time. Similar thing happen with bestfriend i dated. Similar thing happen with girl friends behaving "weird" today, which isn't so 'weird' at all this days.

Women today want this dynamic. Sorry, it's not gonna happen. Most people can't pull it off. If you want two role dynamics, there are IMPORTANT things.

1)Transition and Switching: Sometimes you a willing number 1. Sometimes you a willing number 2
2)Telling them every time you transition
3)Transparent
4)Character (Resillience)


Not many people can pull it off. Character is also important especially when shit happens which always happens in this kind of dynamic.

Zac

 

[Chase]

Fox,

Having formerly gone into business with two of my closest friends, and having what probably would otherwise have been successful businesses (actually, one of them IS now successful - both quite profitable and venture backed... only with neither myself nor the original two cofounders attached any longer) go down in flames along with those friendships, let me second Ray's advice and experience here.

Partnerships only work if the roles are clearly defined. Your father will clearly be the visionary/CEO/shot caller, and a business will only make him more extreme, not less. Since it sounds like he already kind of expects marching in lockstep, I wouldn't go into this expecting anything other than working for a Steve Jobs wannabe, only without the salary or prestige.

I just tell him hey Dad, I love you and I love our family, but I've talked to a few friends with experience in this and they said if you want a surefire way to ruin your family relationships forever, just go into business with them.

Since this experience with friends, I've helped a few people close to me build businesses, and on some of these I actually put a fair bit of work into setting things up and doing the initial marketing. And they always tell me, "You did so much work to set this up! You can have 50% of the business!" or something like this, and I laugh it off and say no thanks, I don't want any of it. And if I take any of it, you're going to expect me to contribute later on, and how much I'll think I should contribute for my share and how much you'll think I should contribute for my share are likely to not match up - and then it'll shred our relationship. So no, I'm happy to help you out, but I'm not going into business with you.

I think of business partnerships like this these days: don't go into business with someone unless you'd be fine walking away at any time as soon as things aren't going well, and you'd be able to make a clean break because it's just a business relationship and there are no emotions involved beyond that. When you start getting emotions like loyalty and caring about the other person involved, that's when you put yourself in positions to make some bad decisions that end up with various parties being enabled to act unchecked in potentially disastrous ways, and various other parties making a lot of sacrifice for ultimately zero gain.

Chase