FR My first tinder date

[Skippy]

I got on tinder around valentine's day because I figured it would be more active and I matched with a girl who we'll call Samantha. She looked pretty decent in her pictures--maybe a little on the fat side in some of her pictures, but definitely someone who I would be attracted to.

I actually super-liked her for some reason. My messaging with her was pretty typical:

Me: Samantha! I like your aesthetic
Her: Haha thank you! How's your saturday been?
Me: I went to trader joes and then did some cooking for the week. I bought edemame hummus...thinking its going to be a game changer
Her: Lolthat actually sounds quite good. I've never tried edemame hummus. What did you cook?
Me: I made a large pot of peanut noodles. do you also cook... or aramark(food provider of our dining halls...hopefully not for long!)
Her: Lol no yea I cook... aramark is terrile. I actually really love to bake. its one of my favorite hobbies.
Me; It's funny you mentioned that because I really like to eat baked goods. What a coincidence!
Her: Haha yeah! Do you have a favorite dessert? But yeah eating baked goods is the best.
Me[2 days later]: ah I've been busy with midterms lately... as for desserts, theres this pumpkin cheesecake that I like to make with my family. you have any exciting plans for the weekend?

Her: Ooh, pumpkin cheesecake sounds really good! and no, not really any exciing plans haha. What about you?
Me: nothing too unusual. we should hang out!

We plan stuff, exchange numbers etc.. She texts me to say she cant make it because she was in another state unexpectedly, but we finally meet sunday night.

The plan was to meet her at a small grocery store that's open late. and we were meeting at 10:30 when most of the restaurants are closed. I figure this way, I could easily just pick up dessert and bring her back to my apt(which is across the street)

My plan is to always hug girls or take their hands when I first meet them in order to get in the touch-feely state but I always end up chickening out or rationalizing that it would come off as forced/awkward. So I was determined to hug her when I met her. but when I saw her at the grocery store, she was with a friend(who was pretending not to know her when I arrived) so I used that as an excuse not to touch her(weak, I know). and my goodness she was actually hideous in real life but I needed to practice so I trudged on.

I made some small talk, asked her about her week, etc.. we talked about our majors and she mentioned she was doing a study abroad next quarter, so I asked her about that and why she chose the particular country. We were just walking to my apartment and she was following my lead without question.I tell her to put her shoes by the doorway, and compliment her on her socks. I give her a quick tour of the place and we sit at the dining table and talk some more over dessert.

She keeps touching her hair and in general comes off as very supplicating. We talk about more stuff such as where we've lived and what our ideal places to live would be(these are all topics that I commonly use to deep dive). During the middle of the conversation, I mention I really like electro swing and she says she loves it too so I ask her if she's seen people dance to it and she says no so I say "I'll have to show you some videos...they look amazing" and she was very receptive(this was just an excuse to get her into my room). After dessert, we wash up, and then talk in the kitchen for a bit about our apartments and then I walk over to my room and she follows. I take my laptop and sit on my bed and I tell her to shut the door "so that the heat doesn't escape". She's still sitting a bit far away from me, so I take the pillow from my bed and adjust it behind me and tell her to come closer "so that she can also rest against the pillow". Now we're reasonably close and I play some songs on my laptop and ask her to play some as well. she's breathing heavily at this point(maybe she's nervous? I feel like I sort of conned her into coming into my room) I'm really not attracted to her, but I know I need to go for the kiss to get practice. At this point, the vibe feels a bit awkward since we're just watching a computer screen. So I try to get some physical contact going before going for a kiss. I ask about her bracelet and touch her wrist. Our shoulders are touching. but... I end up chickening out and not going for the kiss. at around 12 I ask her if she has classes tomorrow and she says she needs to get going since she has to wake up early tomorrow. and I agree since I also have stuff tomorrow. so I just left it at that. I close the browser and it almost feels like she is waiting for something or surprised that I'm going along with it. but honestly I was relieved.

Mustering up the courage to go for a kiss is a very real sticking point that I have and other than "just do it", I can't think of any mentalities which will help me get around that...so I'm wondering if you guys have any suggestions on how to go about making that main move. maybe I should just go for the kiss with the express intention of getting rejected so that it trains me to not fear it as much. This is just one of those areas where I have no idea how a girl will respond and I think that's why I have this hang up. For example, if I go for a hug or put my arm around a girl, I know for the most part she'll be fine with it. I think I'm probably putting kissing on a pedestal. anyawys it wasn't a complete waste of a night since I now have a better idea of how to transition from my dining room to my bedroom.

 

[Skid]

Hey dude ,

Sounds like you handled everything well up until you got cold feet. I'm dealing with a similar sticking point at the moment. How I've dealt with sticking points when it comes to escalation so far is to just expose yourself to the situation as much as possible which you've done : you isolated yourself with a girl you weren't particularly attracted too. If you don't have much experience kissing girls I'd suggest you try and do it outside the bedroom until you become more comfortable so you don't feel the pressure of having to go all the way.

Just take girls into a park or somewhere quiet then go from there. There was a lack of physical touching before you put pressure on yourself to kiss her and that makes it harder and more unnatural. Whenever you meet a girl for a date walk up to her and open your arms handle it the same way you handle approaching you have 3 seconds to take action on your thought or your mind will kill the thought. As soon as you've started the motion of hugging then it become way more awkward to back out and so you will commit.

Doing things like touching her arm and shoulder during the date when she does something you approve :
Ie:
girl: I really like bungie jumping!
you: Oh you're adventurous! (touch her arm)

its good you were asking to see her arm/bracelet but the order of you doing things was abit skewed. During the date it should be non sexual touch like what you did in the bedroom during the date you should look at her bracelet - check her shoulder muscles palm reading (if you are into that I think its a bit corny) anything you can come up with like that. If she is cool with all that then at some point when you are sitting next to her just lightly touch her leg.

THEN when you are alone with her go did good , you got her closer to you shoulders where touching. She's probably abit nervous and that's cool. Something really helped me was just start small - remember there is no perfect moment its not a movie this is real life. When there is a silence just say come here and lean in remember once you start the motion of kissing her its way more awkward to bail. FORGET about kissing her just lean in and say come here - oops now you've committed yourself what else could come here mean? Then light kiss and go back to watching .10 seconds later go in again ease you and her into it this time a bit longer and so on. This does two things : helps you manage your nerves because you are starting small and its actually creating a habit for correct escalation when you become better because girls are used to dudes that attack their face and then she pulls away - its sexy when a man can control himself.

Skid

 

[Skippy]

Skid, I read your suggestions and found them really helpful!

Whenever you meet a girl for a date walk up to her and open your arms handle it the same way you handle approaching you have 3 seconds to take action on your thought or your mind will kill the thought. As soon as you've started the motion of hugging then it become way more awkward to back out and so you will commit.

Yeah never occurred to me to generalize the three second rule for other scenarios. Thanks! Just to clarify. So if I have a thought(i.e kiss her, touch her etc...) I should act on it within 3 seconds?

its good you were asking to see her arm/bracelet but the order of you doing things was abit skewed. During the date it should be non sexual touch like what you did in the bedroom during the date you should look at her bracelet - check her shoulder muscles palm reading (if you are into that I think its a bit corny) anything you can come up with like that. If she is cool with all that then at some point when you are sitting next to her just lightly touch her leg.

,

Oh I see, so how would you suggest I run the date so its easier to do non sexual touch? I think I could have used some non sexual touch when we were walking to the apt, since we were closer. then when we sat at the dining table and talked, we were sitting facing each other, so it was too far to really use touch. (or I think instead of sitting across from her, I could sit so that we are sharing a corner? that way we are still facing each other, still fairly close, but we're not technically sitting side-by-side so its not awkward.)

FORGET about kissing her just lean in and say come here - oops now you've committed yourself what else could come here mean? Then light kiss and go back to watching .10 seconds later go in again ease you and her into it this time a bit longer and so on. This does two things : helps you manage your nerves because you are starting small and its actually creating a habit for correct escalation when you become better because girls are used to dudes that attack their face and then she pulls away - its sexy when a man can control himself.

I tried something similar to this last night, actually. thanks! (she gave me the cheek because she was nervous, but your tip helped me to actually make a move)

 

[Skid]

Yeah never occurred to me to generalize the three second rule for other scenarios. Thanks! Just to clarify. So if I have a thought(i.e kiss her, touch her etc...) I should act on it within 3 seconds?

Well preferably instantly! But yeah that works too. It will become more instant/natural the more you do it.

Oh I see, so how would you suggest I run the date so its easier to do non sexual touch?

.

I run my dates in parts usually. Remember you should always be calibrating to the signals so no part has any set time you should be looking for signs the girl gives you to show she is ready to move forward - if she is doesn't give you any then you need to use compliance tests to see where you are at.

1. First part is the get to know you chill part say hi sit and get food or whatever you planned to do - usually this means you are sitting across from her like you mentioned at the tables don't worry too much about touch here just make conversation with her and chill. You can just lean back in your chair and look cool.

2. Then I move the girl to a second location - when I meet up with girls from my uni I'll go into the campus where its sorta like a park area with lots of grass sometimes people eat there - that's when I get more touchy. I'll make sure I sit right next to her so our legs are touching ask her to show me her bracelet and then her ear ring - whatever excuse I can come up with in the conversation. Rub her back if she tells you a story that's emotionally distressing lol I dunno and say "its ok". Maybe put your arm around her (corny and cliche but whatever).Another one I've tried is putting her legs on hers over your crotch when you are both sitting on grass (WARNING : probably avoid this one until after you've had sex with her since it can kill intrigue - one time I tried this when I was super horny and I got a boner XD it can freak a girl out if she isn't quite in the same mood)

Usually for me the order of non sexual touching is:
Her arms / hands / shoulders (one or all of these it just depends )
then back neck hair (ask her to see her earrings or something)
Legs / tummy (if she's cool with everything above then you can try put your hand on her thigh or maybe poke her tummy if she says something smartass)

3.And then you can attempt to pull her . Yeah you definitely can skip the "second" part of the date if you are good at escalation or the girl is super into you but I think this is a good way to learn.

Skid