My one impassable obstacle

[Adventman]

Hey, I've been reading this site since about January and it's really turned my life a full 180°

Whereas before I was 100% the jestering nice guy, now I'm consistently complimented on how suave, well-dressed and manly I am. It's still weird to hear people talk about me that way since I've always been the efeminate, emotional guy in my social circles. In the last year I've also pulled myself out of depression, taken responsibility and am now well on the way to living the life I've always dreamt of living.

I have one probem though, and I can't for the life of me figure it out: I'm absoloutley, paralysingly afraid of showing interest in a woman. Can't compliment, cold-approach or command.

Until the start of 2013 I was very naive. I had the idea that girls were pure and innocent, and that all the romcoms and disney films were true. I was raised in a pretty repressed house, with no real leader and lots of immature passive aggression. My dad only had one gf before he married my mom; he was with this girl for 9 months and they never did anything sexual, so I had to unlearn a lot of mindsets picked up from him.

My own innability to act is really starting to get me angry. Girl's are definately attracted to me; they tell me I'm handsome, move to sit next to me in public places, make completely unsubtle suggestive comments about how they "love a man who *insert whatever I happen to be doing at the time*". But I can't bring myself to show interest back. I can deep dive and get to know the girl well, just like I can with platonic friends. I can make them laugh a little, give them sexy eye-contact, all that jazz. But when it comes to giving compliments, getting investment, or asking them to move with me, I just can't do it! My mind goes completely blank the moment I try. The other night I was at a party, a little drunk, and a girl starts flirting with me. When I say I'm leaving she says she's coming too (Without me asking). We walk past my road on the way to her bus. We stop and she says "My bus is this way". Despite my brain screaming at me to say "No come this way, it'll be more fun", all I do is flounder for a few seconds, then say "alright, see you later!". It just felt so ridiculous! She was clearly a bit confused/put-out and I just felt like repeatedly kicking myself.

I'm not a coward in any other facet of life. I'm a bookish introvert, but also adventurous, charming, a bit mysterious, etc.. I've faced down drunk guys at bars and store thieves at my work. I've climbed dangerous mountains and performed on stage in front of hundreds of people. I have tons of good friends and am pretty stable and non-judgemental.

So why THE HELL can't I tell a woman she looks sexy?! Or even say "Hi"??

Urghh!

Help or suggestions on any of this would really be appreciated. Sorry for rambling, it's probably a lot simpler than I'm making it.

 

[metomeya]

Re: Too terrified to even say "Hi"

Hey Adventman,

When you start to get angry, remember there is always a solution to every problem.

I've been and somewhat still am in a similar situation. I can talk to any girl if given a logical excuse (I was introduced by a friend, she is taking my order, she is a coworker, etc.). I can have a friendly conversation we both enjoy, make them laugh, and yes they even give me verbal & nonverbal hints at being sexually interested in me.

On the flip side, I had a hard time doing a cold approach or even saying "hi." Actually, I spent years just walking around never being able to approach. Also, when I am in a conversation and the girl is showing interest, I couldn't be sexual back (even if she "innocently" rubbing her tits on me ).

Anyways here are the things that have helped me!

1.) Exposure Therapy
You might want to practice exposure therapy by opening random people. Saying hi to five random people (male, female, young, old, hot or ugly). Then saying hi and then asking for the time. Then hi and then asking for the time and then directions. Then...you get the rest.
Trust me, opening random people will help break down the barriers that keeps you from being sexual.

2.) Open Anyone...Right Away!
I would go to the mall every weekend for years thinking I was going to open random girls...but never did. Till finally, I said F it, and decided to ask the first person I see for directions. Then I talked to the next person after that. It builds up the momentum so you can talk to girls.

3.) Get Private Coaching
Still can't over the psychological hurdle to open random girls and be sexual? Get one-on-one coaching. They'll push you to do it. After one day of intense coaching (he pushed me to open about 50 girls...), I was able to approach random girls no problem. Not only that, I could do so being very sexual (touching them and telling them sexual innuendos).

Hope that helps!

 

[Adventman]

Hey metomeya,

That actually helps a hell of a lot. Asking for directions is definately something I feel I could do, and I never considered talking to random strangers to acclimastise to the feeling. Going to make my goal for tomorrow "ask 5 strangers for directions". It's a great idea, thanks very much!

 

[metomeya]

No problem. Happy it this helps! Let us know how this goes.

 

[Knightrain]

I'd just like to add that you can compliment and cold approach, you just have a very strong subconscious resistance to it.

You are capable of jumping off a building, you are just scared to do it (for good reasons)

You are capable of showing interest, you are just scared to do it (for bad reasons)

Just take control of your own body and do it, at first you will probably be really nervous and the words will come out horribly and she will run away.... but next time you will be less nervous....keep doing it and you won't be nervous at all.

 

[ProblemSolving]

Adventman,

Ultimately, this boils down to the fear of rejection. It's not the girls that are scary, it's the rejection. The easiest way to get over this fear is to say "Hi" to a bunch of strangers. I know what you're thinking. "How could saying 'Hi' to some random people possibly prepare me for approaching girls directly?" Surprisingly, the jump between greeting strangers and approaching girls isn't very big at all because both have the possibility of rejection.

When you greet strangers, some will respond positively and some will ignore you, but either response will make you feel better. When people ignore you (rejection), you'll see how little it affects you and how silly the fear is. It doesn't matter if the rejection came from an old man ignoring your greeting or a hot chick ignoring your opening, both have the same minimal effect on your well-being. It's very empowering to experience these rejections. It's like your brains saying, "THAT's what I've been afraid of all this time?"

 

[ocantu1987]

great advice guys^^

 

[Adventman]

Completed my goal today and it felt great. Thanks for all the fantastic advice guys. I've been sitting here reading GC for months but this is the first real action I've ever taken outside my social circle and it finally feels like I can see a way forward.

Asked 7 random, middle-aged people for directions to places I already knew how to get to. Not only did it make me realise that talking to strangers in person is a lot less scary than I've been building it up to be, but also that people in my town give awful directions!

Going to keep this goal for the next two days, then add in a stipulation that it has to be girls I'm asking. I'll work my way up with baby steps.

Every post from you fellas has been spot on, so thanks very much!

 

[Adventman]

A bit of an update; Didn't follow my plan this weekend since I had to travel across the country for a relative's bday and I didn't even think about it.

On the train ride home, though, a cute girl sat next to me on the train, and I actually bowled myself over by managing to start a conversation without stammering or thinking of her as anyone special. Especially in public, I always have this great fear that people are going to see me attempting to flirt and snigger, but it was fine! Admittedly the girl told me she had a bf about 1 minute into the conversation, which threw me off and put an end to it, but I'm just pleased I started a convo tbh.

After our brief chat ended I just started reading a book, then halfway through the journey she started rubbing her leg up and down quite firmly against mine? She must have known she was doing it but I didn't have any idea what to do about it, or whether it was even deliberate.

But yeah, feels like at least a wobbly step in the right direction!

 

[TheWiseFool]

Adventman, Your post perfectly puts into words what I am dealing with right now. Glad you got into a conversation today without any major hiccups. I certainly know that feeling of finding out a woman has a boyfriend. If you don't know already, I went online to find out what you are suppose to do, which is to just ignore her statement and continue redirect the conversation to something else. Sounds easy in theory, but in the moment, the words "I have a boyfriend" or anything related instantly connect to "damn I have no chance with her." I suggest re-framing your mindset when faced with a problem. Ask yourself, "What is the problem? Why is this problem occurring? How should I go about fixing it?" And the when and where part is when you are free to test out your solution at a venue where you know you'll meet many women.

To all the guys here who have responded, thank you for the feedback because I just thought of this a bit ago and am glad to have had the "exposure therapy" advice proposed here.

Will do this tomorrow,
- The Wise Fool

 

[metomeya]

Nice guys,

I also wanted to bring up some other proven methods.

One that has gained my attention is power of thought or "mental practice."

When we think of doing an action, it has the same effect on our brains as if we did it. This videos explains it better:

http://www.geekosystem.com/power-of-thought/

I believe this is why people who have to use baby steps will have sudden breakthroughs. Chances are they have been doing mental practice (day dreaming) for weeks, months, or even years before actually doing it. One study not mentioned in the videos points out that people who practiced both mental practice and actual practice did better than those who only did actual practice (even though they were limited to the same amount in total). The study used the game of darts.

Just something I wanted to throw out there.

 

[Adventman]

TheWiseFool, good to hear man, hope it went well!

Metomeya, that's really interesting. Never imagined imagination could have such an impact! Definately food for thought..

To keep my progress updated; I've completely fallen behind in my planned goals. Just let it slide and haven't done anything in a few days. Been falling behind in everything recently; work, PUA, excersise. Really need to find my motivation again.

 

[Adventman]

So, decided last night to pull my finger out. So far I'd only talked to middle-aged strangers. Since I'd let my effort slide recently I commited to only allow myself back home after talking to 5 pretty girls.

Reading these articles helped a hell of a lot:

Effort Aversion
https://www.girlschase.com/content/effort-aversion-or-why-you-dont-work-hard-and-get-laid
How to Vanquish Fear the Moment It Crops Up
https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-vanquish-fear-moment-it-crops

Especially this one:
Time Efficiency Done Right
https://www.girlschase.com/content/time-efficiency-done-right

Definately worth a read for anyone struggling to get motivated. I also found the picture of the brunette in that article great inspiration for working on my game

It was freezing cold and I instantly wanted to be back in my room, but fortunately the fear of never experiencing sex or a realtionship outweighed the discomfort this time. I started out by asking a random guy for directions. Walked a bit more without running into any pretty girls and started to get the feeling I was going to be spending a night on the street (pretty illogical since I'd only been out 20 minutes at this point).

First girl I asked was packing up a stall. Wasn't particularly memorable besides the massive relief of ticking the first girl off my list.

Second girl was very pretty and I actually walked straight past her, having to stop and force myself to return.

After that I went to my local bar, ran into some friends and had a few drinks. I asked one girl "Hey, where is *name of the bar*?". She said "..This is it..?" and looked at me as if waiting for the punchline. I honestly just did it to get myself used to the idea that I can say something stupid and the world won't end, and I won't be scorned or slapped (or if I am it's no big deal).

The last two girls were pretty unmemorable. Fairly awkward, but I managed it, which I'm pretty happy about.

Not sure where to go now. Give 5 girls a compliment seems to be the next step, but with no pretence as protection, that'll be quite a jump.