My social journey

Rakehell

Tool-Bearing Hominid
Tool-Bearing Hominid
Joined
Mar 28, 2021
Messages
683
For those of you who don’t know, I am a younger member of this forum. Ill be 20 this year. For whatever reason something led me to want to get really good at socializing. I could pin this on a million things but I don’t think that it’s important.

I think that we can all agree that it’s a really nifty skill to have. But I digress the more I work towards this goal the more I notice that I have some mental baggage that prevents my autonomy.

The more I search for and find reasons that kind of resonate the more I feel a-lot different from everyone else. Not because the “solutions” are inherently wrong or bad advice, but because it always feels like there’s something missing in relation to me. Despite this I try to pioneer.

I try to be self aware , and can admit i’m no more immune to miscalculating than anyone else. I don’t think I have some inherent social problem, at this point i’m probably considered pretty good at alot of aspects of socializing, if there is a gauge on that sort of thing.

But nevertheless there are times where my social prowess gets turned to zero. And i’m starting to think that i’m causing it somehow unconsciously.

For example I’ve worked really hard to be good in group situations. I’ve been the primary “leader” of a few social circles, and for the most part I also had natural ability to interact within groups. But there are times and this is even with people I'm very familiar with, where I’m unable to or don’t feel compelled to.

I can get really cynical and uninterested contradicting my longterm goal in general. There are also times where I just can’t seem to perform and feel lost despite it being a familiar scenario and I catch myself feeling compelled to regress into needy behaviors.

(Like those people who cling onto their friends in unfamiliar groups, not really contributing to the conversation just staring at their friend and following them around). My pride would never let me do it but i’ve definitely felt the compulsions before so I understand why people do it when it happens.

I can’t really find any root causes of why this happens to me. There is no correlation or any changes that I am aware of that flips my social prowess off. I hold myself in pretty high esteem and my only limiting belief is probably the one im describing right now in this passage. I’ve considered that I could just be an introvert, but truth is I love to socialize. I’m very restless and easily bored. When I sit in the house, alot of what I think about is people. I can engage with strangers, including gorgeous girls, with no fear. But then there are time’s when I can’t.

I don’t think I have depression because i’m never really sad, or happy. I have accomplished alot of the things I wanted years ago, hell even months ago. I just flip between modes of tenacity and frustrated dissapointment or even anger with myself. Thing’s that might be considered accomplishments are now easily forgotten or go unacknowledged but when I screw up I take it to heart. So when I’m “socially unavailable” it’s like a downward spiral.

I’m just searching for that happy grey where I can be consistently good despite how I feel right now. It’s like when i’m withdrawn I can’t even remember how to open my mouth. Despite how I feel overall, how I feel in the situation dictates my abilities. I could be talking to my grandma.

Does anyone have any experience with this, or anything insightful to say?
 
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