Need Feedback on handling this situation...

[Fightor]

Hi bros!

Short backgound
I started a "friends with benefits" kind of relationship with a collegue at work about 4 month ago. We both got single recently and this developed naturally.
It has been going well and we both agreed to keep things professional at work and that there is no need for other collegues to know about us.

The situation
A few weeks ago a guy started flirting with her at work. He is a little bit older, maybe in his mid 40's, while we are both in our early thirties. She approached me and told me about it and that she was not interested in him and found him annoying. I asked her if she's told him shes not interested. She told me she has a hard time "not being nice". I told her that the guy is interpreting her being nice as a sign of interest/hope. I told her she needs either 1) Tell him directly that she is not interested 2) Stop smiling/laughing when he is trying to engage her and 3) at least just lie and tell him she is dating someone (not referring to me but just as a way to make him back of a bit). Easy I told her.

Of course she did none of them and today when we were working at the office by ourselves the guy sits down besides her and starts talking to her (I usually dont sit in the same corner as her but did that today). I was enaged in work so couldnt really hear/understand entirely what was going on. When I finished one of my calls she told me he asked her for her number. I told her "why are u opening up for this to happen" "just tell him you are not interested/are dating a guy/or whatever". If he don't respect your "no" then I will get involved and tell him to back of, but the problem is you are indicating interest to him by "being nice" and If I tell him to backof he will not understand why I am getting involved. We continued working, and a few hours later I saw him asking for her number.... and she gave it to him...

So, now to the question. Since we are in the same workplace and that took place IN FRONT OF ME it of course annoyed me. I am a guy after all and even though we dont have "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship I found it not good for my "image" and "how she sees me". I general I would say that most girls consider me ALPHA/LEADING the relationship. Its not the first time a girl tells me that guys approach them and they have a hard time "not being nice", so I know about this issue. But for this situation I am a bit annoyed and dont know how I should behave towards her now when it happened. Should I "punish" her nonverbally? or should I not care about it and behave as nothing happened? I need objective outside perspective to handle it correctly. The day ended a few minutes later and I havent had time to interact with her after the situation occured.


What do you guys think?




Kind regards
Fightor

 

[Will_V]

Hi bros!

Short backgound
I started a "friends with benefits" kind of relationship with a collegue at work about 4 month ago. We both got single recently and this developed naturally.
It has been going well and we both agreed to keep things professional at work and that there is no need for other collegues to know about us.

The situation
A few weeks ago a guy started flirting with her at work. He is a little bit older, maybe in his mid 40's, while we are both in our early thirties. She approached me and told me about it and that she was not interested in him and found him annoying. I asked her if she's told him shes not interested. She told me she has a hard time "not being nice". I told her that the guy is interpreting her being nice as a sign of interest/hope. I told her she needs either 1) Tell him directly that she is not interested 2) Stop smiling/laughing when he is trying to engage her and 3) at least just lie and tell him she is dating someone (not referring to me but just as a way to make him back of a bit). Easy I told her.

Of course she did none of them and today when we were working at the office by ourselves the guy sits down besides her and starts talking to her (I usually dont sit in the same corner as her but did that today). I was enaged in work so couldnt really hear/understand entirely what was going on. When I finished one of my calls she told me he asked her for her number. I told her "why are u opening up for this to happen" "just tell him you are not interested/are dating a guy/or whatever". If he don't respect your "no" then I will get involved and tell him to back of, but the problem is you are indicating interest to him by "being nice" and If I tell him to backof he will not understand why I am getting involved. We continued working, and a few hours later I saw him asking for her number.... and she gave it to him...

So, now to the question. Since we are in the same workplace and that took place IN FRONT OF ME it of course annoyed me. I am a guy after all and even though we dont have "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship I found it not good for my "image" and "how she sees me". I general I would say that most girls consider me ALPHA/LEADING the relationship. Its not the first time a girl tells me that guys approach them and they have a hard time "not being nice", so I know about this issue. But for this situation I am a bit annoyed and dont know how I should behave towards her now when it happened. Should I "punish" her nonverbally? or should I not care about it and behave as nothing happened? I need objective outside perspective to handle it correctly. The day ended a few minutes later and I havent had time to interact with her after the situation occured.


What do you guys think?




Kind regards
Fightor

She wasn't looking for advice on how to reject him. You fell for her frame and wound up playing backseat driver to their fun and games.

Always frame everything in terms of you and her, and make her deal with her own issues. And her biggest issue should be keeping you around.

 

[David_T]

She wasn't looking for advice on how to reject him. You fell for her frame and wound up playing backseat driver to their fun and games.

Always frame everything in terms of you and her, and make her deal with her own issues. And her biggest issue should be keeping you around.

I know the op is gonna ask so I'm just going to do it for him. I've had a similar situation in the past too

What do you mean by frame everything in terms of you and her? Like telling how the guy will make you stop seeing/liking her?

Is it also a good idea to ignore when she first brings it up? By acting non chalant and saying it's up to her. I'm asking cuz it's a fwb not an actual relationship... so i don't see the reason why I'd show concern or pay attention to what she does

 

[Skills]

Hi bros!

Short backgound
I started a "friends with benefits" kind of relationship with a collegue at work about 4 month ago. We both got single recently and this developed naturally.
It has been going well and we both agreed to keep things professional at work and that there is no need for other collegues to know about us.

The situation
A few weeks ago a guy started flirting with her at work. He is a little bit older, maybe in his mid 40's, while we are both in our early thirties. She approached me and told me about it and that she was not interested in him and found him annoying. I asked her if she's told him shes not interested. She told me she has a hard time "not being nice". I told her that the guy is interpreting her being nice as a sign of interest/hope. I told her she needs either 1) Tell him directly that she is not interested 2) Stop smiling/laughing when he is trying to engage her and 3) at least just lie and tell him she is dating someone (not referring to me but just as a way to make him back of a bit). Easy I told her.

Of course she did none of them and today when we were working at the office by ourselves the guy sits down besides her and starts talking to her (I usually dont sit in the same corner as her but did that today). I was enaged in work so couldnt really hear/understand entirely what was going on. When I finished one of my calls she told me he asked her for her number. I told her "why are u opening up for this to happen" "just tell him you are not interested/are dating a guy/or whatever". If he don't respect your "no" then I will get involved and tell him to back of, but the problem is you are indicating interest to him by "being nice" and If I tell him to backof he will not understand why I am getting involved. We continued working, and a few hours later I saw him asking for her number.... and she gave it to him...

So, now to the question. Since we are in the same workplace and that took place IN FRONT OF ME it of course annoyed me. I am a guy after all and even though we dont have "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship I found it not good for my "image" and "how she sees me". I general I would say that most girls consider me ALPHA/LEADING the relationship. Its not the first time a girl tells me that guys approach them and they have a hard time "not being nice", so I know about this issue. But for this situation I am a bit annoyed and dont know how I should behave towards her now when it happened. Should I "punish" her nonverbally? or should I not care about it and behave as nothing happened? I need objective outside perspective to handle it correctly. The day ended a few minutes later and I havent had time to interact with her after the situation occured.


What do you guys think?




Kind regards
Fightor

I mean this is one of the many issues that happens and why seducers dont mess with people they work with..

But this is not your problem... this is between her and co worker 0 to do with you.... let her handle it or not you have no biz getting involved... she is not your gf and even if she was the dude does not know.... 0 to do with you..

 

[Will_V]

I know the op is gonna ask so I'm just going to do it for him. I've had a similar situation in the past too

What do you mean by frame everything in terms of you and her? Like telling how the guy will make you stop seeing/liking her?

Is it also a good idea to ignore when she first brings it up? By acting non chalant and saying it's up to her. I'm asking cuz it's a fwb not an actual relationship... so i don't see the reason why I'd show concern or pay attention to what she does

It's all about frame control.

You need able to control a woman's behavior with your eyebrows. Avoiding disapproval and gaining approval should be her primary motivation for anything. If she's not interested in your approval, then you have nothing. If your disapproval has no consequences, she will not be interested in avoiding it, therefore you have nothing. Since the only real consequence you can bring to a woman is lack of attention, then it follows that every poor behavior should be met with disapproval based on lack of attention.

You frame everything in terms of you and her by showing disinterest and lack of patience whenever she tries to introduce something else into the dynamic between you two. This is exactly what the OP did not do. He allowed the introduction of a third body into this orbital dynamic between him and her, and went out of his way to entertain it himself. This is no good.

Yes, it's best to ignore, or show mild disapproval. Don't say 'it's up to you', that's confrontational. Simply ignore it, and watch her. First you need to know if she still even wants your approval at all. If she wants your approval, either she'll get all dramatic and emotional, or she'll simply behave. In the first case, with further frame control, it's not hard to manage things.

Regarding fwb vs girlfriend, personally I only have one mode for dealing with women, the only difference is my level of investment.

 

[Fightor]

I mean this is one of the many issues that happens and why seducers dont mess with people they work with..

But this is not your problem... this is between her and co worker 0 to do with you.... let her handle it or not you have no biz getting involved... she is not your gf and even if she was the dude does not know.... 0 to do with you..

yes, agree, thanks for the feedback.

 

[Fightor]

I know the op is gonna ask so I'm just going to do it for him. I've had a similar situation in the past too

What do you mean by frame everything in terms of you and her? Like telling how the guy will make you stop seeing/liking her?

Is it also a good idea to ignore when she first brings it up? By acting non chalant and saying it's up to her. I'm asking cuz it's a fwb not an actual relationship... so i don't see the reason why I'd show concern or pay attention to what she does

You read my mind big G. Thanks.

 

[Fightor]

It's all about frame control.

You need able to control a woman's behavior with your eyebrows. Avoiding disapproval and gaining approval should be her primary motivation for anything. If she's not interested in your approval, then you have nothing. If your disapproval has no consequences, she will not be interested in avoiding it, therefore you have nothing. Since the only real consequence you can bring to a woman is lack of attention, then it follows that every poor behavior should be met with disapproval based on lack of attention.

You frame everything in terms of you and her by showing disinterest and lack of patience whenever she tries to introduce something else into the dynamic between you two. This is exactly what the OP did not do. He allowed the introduction of a third body into this orbital dynamic between him and her, and went out of his way to entertain it himself. This is no good.

Yes, it's best to ignore, or show mild disapproval. Don't say 'it's up to you', that's confrontational. Simply ignore it, and watch her. First you need to know if she still even wants your approval at all. If she wants your approval, either she'll get all dramatic and emotional, or she'll simply behave. In the first case, with further frame control, it's not hard to manage things.

Regarding fwb vs girlfriend, personally I only have one mode for dealing with women, the only difference is my level of investment.

Thank you Will for the elaborate answer. Yes I guess i got drawn into it! I usually use this principle of constantly Rewarding/Punishing a girls behaviour (actually learned this from Chase Amante many many years ago). When this topic started a few weeks ago I was actually ignoring it and didnt give the girl a reaction. I just looked bored as if to say "and why u telling me this?" . But she kept taking up the subject and now in retrospect I see that I got drawn into it. But Okey, lesson learned.

So to summarize.
1. When the situation occured I should have ignored it/showed a little bit more disapproval with the topic (nonverbally) (less attention).

2. Now when the situation already happened and she already given the guy the number. Do you think I should ad anything more into the mix?Should I show that I didnt approve/like it by being mildly bored/not engaged? or is it too late?

 

[Fuck This]

FWB or FB relationships should be absolutely free from possessiveness. Usually because there is someone else that fills that role. OP if you had other playmates, you wouldn't feel that way towards her. Deep down you feel like you are going to lose your casual fun because this guy comes around.

This is the issue with having FB whom you work with. You are emotionally invested in her attention. You need other women in your rotation so you don't feel the jealousy when you aren't her center of attention.

 

[TomInHo]

Hi bros!

Short backgound
I started a "friends with benefits" kind of relationship with a collegue at work about 4 month ago. We both got single recently and this developed naturally.
It has been going well and we both agreed to keep things professional at work and that there is no need for other collegues to know about us.

Work place romance.... this should be fun

The situation
A few weeks ago a guy started flirting with her at work. He is a little bit older, maybe in his mid 40's, while we are both in our early thirties. She approached me and told me about it and that she was not interested in him and found him annoying.

This is actually a power play.

It's been 4 months since y'all have been hooking up and she hasn't been elevated to GF status. So she is using this guy as a pawn to test your interest level in her

I asked her if she's told him shes not interested. She told me she has a hard time "not being nice". I told her that the guy is interpreting her being nice as a sign of interest/hope. I told her she needs either 1) Tell him directly that she is not interested 2) Stop smiling/laughing when he is trying to engage her and 3) at least just lie and tell him she is dating someone (not referring to me but just as a way to make him back of a bit). Easy I told her.

Uh oh..

Why did you do all that if she is just your FB? Bro y'all are just fucking there is no need to be worried about who she is talking too

She's not your GF so has no incentive to be loyal to you

A better response would have been.. "Aww, that's cute. He has a crush on you. Oh, we still on for Thursday night cause I got to get back to work"

Not all that nonsense of giving her rules of conduct

Of course she did none of them and today when we were working at the office by ourselves the guy sits down besides her and starts talking to her (I usually dont sit in the same corner as her but did that today).

Of course she didn't. She saw it had an effect on you and will use this guy as a way to gain leverage and manipulate you to progress the relationship into something more serious

I was enaged in work so couldnt really hear/understand entirely what was going on. When I finished one of my calls she told me he asked her for her number. I told her "why are u opening up for this to happen" "just tell him you are not interested/are dating a guy/or whatever". If he don't respect your "no" then I will get involved and tell him to back of, but the problem is you are indicating interest to him by "being nice" and If I tell him to backof he will not understand why I am getting involved. We continued working, and a few hours later I saw him asking for her number.... and she gave it to him...

Duhhh. Because you keep failing the test silly

So, now to the question. Since we are in the same workplace and that took place IN FRONT OF ME it of course annoyed me.

Who cares

I am a guy after all and even though we dont have "boyfriend/girlfriend" relationship I found it not good for my "image" and "how she sees me".

Image? What image? Nobody knows you're together so relax

I general I would say that most girls consider me ALPHA/LEADING the relationship. Its not the first time a girl tells me that guys approach them and they have a hard time "not being nice", so I know about this issue.

But apparently you still haven't learned that this is a way girls test the security of their relationship

But for this situation I am a bit annoyed and dont know how I should behave towards her now when it happened. Should I "punish" her nonverbally?

Punish her? Are you insane?

She technically did nothing wrong and is acting in congruence to the nature of your relationship

You don't get possessive and authoritarian with FBs

You are the one being incongruent with the relationship frame

or should I not care about it and behave as nothing happened? I need objective outside perspective to handle it correctly. The day ended a few minutes later and I havent had time to interact with her after the situation occured.


What do you guys think?

You need to stop caring. She is not your girlfriend. Let her live her life and deal with her own shit

Plus, you have one-itis. So should definitely be looking for other FBs because this one is on its way out unless you commit down the road

Good Luck

 

[Fightor]

FWB or FB relationships should be absolutely free from possessiveness. Usually because there is someone else that fills that role. OP if you had other playmates, you wouldn't feel that way towards her. Deep down you feel like you are going to lose your casual fun because this guy comes around.

This is the issue with having FB whom you work with. You are emotionally invested in her attention. You need other women in your rotation so you don't feel the jealousy when you aren't her center of attention.

You are absolutely right. Thanks for the feedback!

 

[Fightor]

Work place romance.... this should be fun



This is actually a power play.

It's been 4 months since y'all have been hooking up and she hasn't been elevated to GF status. So she is using this guy as a pawn to test your interest level in her




Uh oh..

Why did you do all that if she is just your FB? Bro y'all are just fucking there is no need to be worried about who she is talking too

She's not your GF so has no incentive to be loyal to you

A better response would have been.. "Aww, that's cute. He has a crush on you. Oh, we still on for Thursday night cause I got to get back to work"

Not all that nonsense of giving her rules of conduct



Of course she didn't. She saw it had an effect on you and will use this guy as a way to gain leverage and manipulate you to progress the relationship into something more serious



Duhhh. Because you keep failing the test silly



Who cares



Image? What image? Nobody knows you're together so relax



But apparently you still haven't learned that this is a way girls test the security of their relationship



Punish her? Are you insane?

She technically did nothing wrong and is acting in congruence to the nature of your relationship

You don't get possessive and authoritarian with FBs

You are the one being incongruent with the relationship frame



You need to stop caring. She is not your girlfriend. Let her live her life and deal with her own shit

Plus, you have one-itis. So should definitely be looking for other FBs because this one is on its way out unless you commit down the road

Good Luck

thank you for telling me as it is!
Seems I fell for her powerplay/test.
And yes I need to get some girls in rotation

Thanks for the coaching!