Need serious help ex gf autorejection

[funtimes5]

So long story short. We were together for a year, lived together etc. She really loved me, but at one point started becoming disrespectful. So i called her out on it multiple times and said, if it doesnt stop, I will walk away. She kept apologizing and begged me not to leave. But it wouldnt stop and I slowly started checking out, showed a lot of indifference (not a good thing, hurt her a lot) and I think it caused a reaction and she got even more disrespectful, till one day we had a fight about something dumb and she lashed out, I said why are you talking to me like that? I said some hurtful things basically I dont need her and she is a burden. (really bad, i know). So I said I will leave and left.

2 days later started to regret my decision really bad. I really loved the girl, but her attitude turned me off. When I realized I lost her, all the feelings bubbled back to surface. So I called her, said I was a world class asshole, explained why I did what I did etc. She was really mad, furious and said no.

So I left her be a for a little while, decided it was the right thing to do to help pay my share of rent for previous month, did her a heartfelt surprise on mothers day etc. She slowly started contacting me, so I asked her out on dinner, said no. But she kept in contact and wanted to talk to me a lot, asked where I lived, if I found anyone yet etc. I made the mistake going full on pursuit mode. Told her Ive never loved anyone like her and I know she wanted kids and marriage and told her I wanted the same with her. That I wanted to fix what I broke etc. That went on for like 2 months. Seems like she liked that I chased, but then I said something stupid about "ah, we will fix it next time we are in relationship again" Tried to be cocky and funny but it made her really mad and she said there wont be a next time.

So I replied, I respect your decision, i know how much i hurt you and i will probably never get a chance to fix it and that it was all real for me. Stopped contacting her, we randomly met 2 times at my workplace because she came to get her stuff. She looked really gorgeous, hair all made up, in nice clothes etc. Last time we met, she was in her car, I walked past her just said hi in a warm tone and went to do my business. She stayed there for like half an hour in her car just doing nothing. (Maybe she wanted me to go talk to her?) So she left, later that evening she sent a funny video and said "i just had to send it to you" I replied only with a smiley.

Been in no contact for like 3 weeks, in that time she has reached out twice and Ive kept it short but try not to be cold.

Is there any way to salvage this? As I understand I definitely shouldnt contact her? Let her come to me and then be warm? I already tried chasing, didnt work, but at least I said what was on my heart.

I really love the girl, I know I shouldve fixed the disrespect some other way.

 

[funtimes5]

Forgot to mention she said she still had feelings for me when I was "chasing". When I went to get my stuff from her place, she was really giving me a hard time. Really mad etc. Later apologized that it just hurt so much to see me. She also said that she has lost all faith in love etc.

Its really bad isnt it?

 

[topcat]

Its really bad isnt it?

Terrible. Not once was she held to account for her bad behaviour nor given the opportunity to fix it, the very thing that led you to leave in the first place..

You allowed your neediness to get in the way of doing the right thing (giving her the opportunity to fix her behaviour, even if that meant communicating her feelings constructively).

I’m not surprised she doesn’t want to get back with you - you’re a poor leader who allows scarcity to get in the way of correct behaviour and is willing to tolerate bad behaviour (what you would get if she took you back) to alleviate painful emotions.

Rather, she needs a man who can correct her poor behaviour (when she cooperates) and is more than willing to leave (and stick to it) when she is unwilling and intolerable.

Edit: you’ve fucked it bro. try again with a new one..

 

[funtimes5]

Damn. Any way to turn it around if she comes back around?
Let her be for long enough time so she can self-search and maybe find she was at fault too?

I think all I can do right now is stay true to my word this time around (That I will be letting her go if she isnt willing to work it out) and not contact her for any reason ever.

But if she comes around, lets say contacts me about something random or asks how am i doing etc. What kind of response is appropriate?

I know she still has feelings for me, but like you said yes, lack of leadership creates no trust.

 

[topcat]

But if she comes around, lets say contacts me about something random or asks how am i doing etc. What kind of response is appropriate?

Get investment. Meaning start the courtship again from a low level and let her win you over (don’t be too much of a hard ass about it).

She reaches out - you find out where her mind is at.. and get intel on the reason for her message.

Inquire about where she’s at in life (is she doing anything interesting in life or just struggling to find a man to entertain her and pulled your number out of convenience..).

She needs to be invested in the conversation and trying to lead it somewhere..

If she does, reward her by suggesting you catch up over something low investment (coffee or a drink).

Follow the same process on the date (skepticism + inquiry + rewarding investment).

Any lack of investment is met with distraction and waning interest.

If you do get into a relationship learn to address bad behaviour properly.

Remember: scared men make threats then do nothing. strong men warn, then walk.

 

[funtimes5]

Thank you! This is gold. If she for example comes back really strong (i miss you, want to get back, etc) I must refrain and hold back a little yes?
And there is no reason to discuss past mistakes (hers and mine) did I get it right?


She is the kind of woman who pursued me really hard at first, basically saying how much she wants to kiss me etc.

 

[topcat]

If she for example comes back really strong (i miss you, want to get back, etc) I must refrain and hold back a little yes?

yup. she must show you - her words are nothing but a weak indicator of her feelings in the moment and show little of her reasoning.

And there is no reason to discuss past mistakes (hers and mine) did I get it right?

exactly. correct mistakes when they are made.

 

[Will_V]

So long story short. We were together for a year, lived together etc. She really loved me, but at one point started becoming disrespectful. So i called her out on it multiple times and said, if it doesnt stop, I will walk away. She kept apologizing and begged me not to leave. But it wouldnt stop and I slowly started checking out, showed a lot of indifference (not a good thing, hurt her a lot) and I think it caused a reaction and she got even more disrespectful, till one day we had a fight about something dumb and she lashed out, I said why are you talking to me like that? I said some hurtful things basically I dont need her and she is a burden. (really bad, i know). So I said I will leave and left.

2 days later started to regret my decision really bad. I really loved the girl, but her attitude turned me off. When I realized I lost her, all the feelings bubbled back to surface. So I called her, said I was a world class asshole, explained why I did what I did etc. She was really mad, furious and said no.

So I left her be a for a little while, decided it was the right thing to do to help pay my share of rent for previous month, did her a heartfelt surprise on mothers day etc. She slowly started contacting me, so I asked her out on dinner, said no. But she kept in contact and wanted to talk to me a lot, asked where I lived, if I found anyone yet etc. I made the mistake going full on pursuit mode. Told her Ive never loved anyone like her and I know she wanted kids and marriage and told her I wanted the same with her. That I wanted to fix what I broke etc. That went on for like 2 months. Seems like she liked that I chased, but then I said something stupid about "ah, we will fix it next time we are in relationship again" Tried to be cocky and funny but it made her really mad and she said there wont be a next time.

So I replied, I respect your decision, i know how much i hurt you and i will probably never get a chance to fix it and that it was all real for me. Stopped contacting her, we randomly met 2 times at my workplace because she came to get her stuff. She looked really gorgeous, hair all made up, in nice clothes etc. Last time we met, she was in her car, I walked past her just said hi in a warm tone and went to do my business. She stayed there for like half an hour in her car just doing nothing. (Maybe she wanted me to go talk to her?) So she left, later that evening she sent a funny video and said "i just had to send it to you" I replied only with a smiley.

Been in no contact for like 3 weeks, in that time she has reached out twice and Ive kept it short but try not to be cold.

Is there any way to salvage this? As I understand I definitely shouldnt contact her? Let her come to me and then be warm? I already tried chasing, didnt work, but at least I said what was on my heart.

I really love the girl, I know I shouldve fixed the disrespect some other way.

Ah yes, the old story:

1. She behaves badly (probably because respect in the relationship has been waning for quite some time)
2. You get reactive and do something you regret
3. She goes cold while you start chasing

You know how this continues?

4. You go hot and cold and hot and cold trying to get her back, meanwhile destroying her remaining respect for you
5. Eventually either she kicks you out for good, or you get back together with no respect left in the relationship whatsoever, with you as the one and only guilty party forever trying to supplicate and atone, and things slowly crumble thereafter, steeped in bitterness and resentment.

First thing to do is realize you are on an emotional rollercoaster on a track that only ends one way - badly. And this rollercoaster is driven by your neediness and fear of losing her. You have to get off the rollercoaster.

The only way off the rollercoaster is to get clarity about what is going on. Why did she behave badly in the first place? What precipitated it? What exactly did you do wrong in reaction to it, and what should you have done instead? What have you been hiding from yourself about her and the relationship that suddenly came out? Because if you told her she's a burden, I'm sure at least some of that is a fact. And if you try to keep it hidden, sooner or later it will come out again, even more destructively. Take at least a week to clear your mind and get absolute clarity on all these points. If she contacts you while you are still reflecting, simply tell her you need time to sort things out in your mind.

When you've done that, reflect very carefully on whether you really still want her or you are just still being reactive and needy because you don't want to feel like a failure. And if you still want her, what are you going to need from her to make sure this never happens again? What boundaries do you need to put in place? What frames do you need to reinforce? How is everything going to need to be, now and in the future? If you can't envision anything clearly, don't proceed from here until you can.

When you've done all this, my suggestion is to write out a message or letter or whatever that tells her more or less exactly the truth about how you see things. Including what is wrong with the relationship, what you did wrong, what she did wrong, and what will need to be done if things are to continue. Holding nothing back about the things you don't like. Don't do it in conversation with her, set it out away from her, and give it to her.

Send it to her, and then pretend she's gone. Pretend she already looked at it and burned it, that you need to get on with your life and move on. And if she gets in contact about it, and you talk to her, ask yourself, does she really understand what I wrote? Does she accept it? Does she accept the things she did wrong, and does she accept me taking responsibility for what I've done? Is she a follower now, ready to adapt to the frame you wrote down? If not, forget it. Either she'll change her mind at some point, or things were never meant to be.

Your real enemy here is not her. It's yourself. Your principles, your leadership, your identity is what is gone to waste, and probably has been for quite a while, propped up only by her validation which she's now taken away. If you don't take it back and consolidate yourself as an independent, self sufficient, self-governed force, you will never have any real loyalty from her or any other woman.

 

[funtimes5]

Thank you for replying. I will study your thoughts in depth.

Basically the story goes like this. I own a business and she became my employee. She fell for me and I fell for her hard. Everything was really good for like 3-4 months. Then business came about hard times and I was struggling to take care of family. She became disrespectful over small things and I always tried to put her in her place and that this is not acceptable that you speak to me that way.
I took another full time job and had really long workdays working full time and trying to save my business from failing. She had no other job and income and it was all on me. Although she still kept working as my employee, I couldnt pay her anymore. I told her that I cant keep this up, you should find a job. The more she disrespected the more I felt unappreciated. Eventually my feelings started to fade and I became distant and cold. She became sick and I didnt put much effort to take care of her.
I was also too focused on relationship and I was trying to "make it good" which was probably a mistake. Tried to take her out dining etc to keep up the morale.
I also said many times that if the appreciation doesnt come, I will go.
So eventually, after a bigger fight about money where she went totally ballistic, I was tired from all the working and problems, I just snapped. She got really hurt, I got really hurt and I left them while she has no income, was sick, etc. I later felt that I overreacted a bit and couldve talked it through.

Is there any reason to send the letter? We have been broken up 3 months and she said she doesnt want to get back together. Her actions contradict that a little bit, but still?

Maybe stay in no contact and let her sort out her own thoughts and I will sort out mine? Or could the letter clarify or do anything good?

 

[theReason]

you’re a poor leader

i let this hurt my feelings for about an hour this morning, but then i realized “good leadership” is a skill not a personality trait, and if i want to read it with the appropriate amount of emotional weight, i should read it as like “you’re a bad pilot” which ironically doesn’t hit with very much emotional weight at all, does it, it just seems like a problem to solve (unless it’s something like you’ve been in training specifically to be a pilot for 6 years already and your instructor tells you that)

 

[funtimes5]

i let this hurt my feelings for about an hour this morning, but then i realized “good leadership” is a skill not a personality trait, and if i want to read it with the appropriate amount of emotional weight, i should read it as like “you’re a bad pilot” which ironically doesn’t hit with very much emotional weight at all, does it, it just seems like a problem to solve (unless it’s something like you’ve been in training specifically to be a pilot for 6 years already and your instructor tells you that)

Its good that it hurts. It definitely hurt me. Only way to grow as a man.