I must write down my story, to make my thoughts clear, so...
Sitting on the terrace today, eating a huge watermelon, a very pleasant memory ran through my head. 10 years ago, I was doing the same thing with my first girlfriend, and we were both so full that we couldn't even move ourselves. We started laughing but then it was even more painful. I had a lot of fun time with her, and as far as I remember, I really liked that girl, and felt a huge regret after we broke up, even though I was kind of pushing our relationship towards that with being kind of an asshole with her all the time.
When she told me that she is breaking up with me I remained super cool, communicating to her, that it's totally okay with me, and actually I really wanted this to happen. The stupidest thing I ever did was that I didn't stand up for that. Instead of using the huge benefits of being single again, I started feeling like a lonely boy without her, and had some awful rejections from other girls, right after her. At the age of 15, I couldn't really deal with all those emotions. While all my friends started having girlfriends, and started living their sexual lives with the one special girl they chose or who chose them, I was totally lost. I still believe that this is not entirely my fault (maybe around 80% my fault). On the other hand I think it was also bad luck, and because of that bad roll, I became lost.
Over the last year I learnt that I made some horrible mistakes back then. The worst one was making a lot of female friends, going into deep friendships with them, and taking advice from them. Somehow I felt that I need to be close to girls. I was even treated as a cool person among my friends, for hanging out all the time with all those pretty girls. The only sad thing was, that sexual things only happened between me and them when we were totally wasted from alcohol. For not having the skill to get a girlfriend, I somehow tricked my brain and instead of working to get a girlfriend, I did the following thing: remained with all my female friends, and watched porn to get pleased sexually. On lots of occasions, I turned down my guy friends, because I felt much cooler for hanging out with girls, even though they didn't please me sexually. Damn, I remember, I went out with a girl once, became a bit needy, the girl began to reject me, and I asked this female friend: - What should I do? - Buy her flowers, that should totally work - she said... I just can't stop laughing when I look back on that situation. Me, Romeo, standing with a bunch of expensive flowers, hoping that this will make her blossom once again, and what I got was: "I really like you, you are the most perfect man on this planet, the best boyfriend I've ever had, but let's just be friends, Mkay?"
After a few more similar situations, I started raging heavily. This whole victim mentality started to consume me. While all my other friends have been in relationships for 2 or 4 years, I was still just that lonely boy. The horrible thing I did was, that I always knew deep down inside, that the problem has to be with me somewhere, but never did anything to change that (wish I did...)
Something I realized after all these wasted years is that this whole relationship drama was just something I was desperate about, because all my friends were doing it and that's why I never managed to pull it off. I felt like an outcast between my guy friends, and had to find different ways that will make me look cooler. I think most of us can relate to something like this from the teenage years (like starting smoking, which makes you look cooler, etc.) I didn't look worse than any of them, but I still never managed to get a girlfriend. Even today, when I go out with a girl, some dark force (that's what I like to call it nowadays), is pushing me to thoughts like:
SHE IS TOO GOOD FOR YOU!
BE NICE TO HER!
PLEASE HER!
CHASE HER!
EXPOSE YOUR BEST QUALITIES TO HER!
YOU HAVE TO MAKE HER YOUR GIRLFRIEND!
And even when I am trying to move fast, these past experiences still pull my thoughts back from teasing her, my hands from touching her, my lips from kissing her, and by consequence, having a lot of fun with her in the bed.
All this social bullshit made me think of girls in a totally different way. I spent so much time focusing on how on earth can I get them, that I actually forgot to feel them. I just look at them as objects. Objects I NEED. Not beautiful girls who I WANT, who I DESIRE. All my approaches towards girls are still coming from a place of neediness, and not from a place of desire of being with the other sex.
And I find this very sad, but there MUST be a way to overcome this.
There are lots of things that can be fixed, I just don't know for sure what could be the key to make the desire come back.
But I will definitely try more and more approaches, perhaps I just need the right girl to awaken the dominant man in me once again.
Other thoughts/experiences to this topic are welcome.
Sitting on the terrace today, eating a huge watermelon, a very pleasant memory ran through my head. 10 years ago, I was doing the same thing with my first girlfriend, and we were both so full that we couldn't even move ourselves. We started laughing but then it was even more painful. I had a lot of fun time with her, and as far as I remember, I really liked that girl, and felt a huge regret after we broke up, even though I was kind of pushing our relationship towards that with being kind of an asshole with her all the time.
When she told me that she is breaking up with me I remained super cool, communicating to her, that it's totally okay with me, and actually I really wanted this to happen. The stupidest thing I ever did was that I didn't stand up for that. Instead of using the huge benefits of being single again, I started feeling like a lonely boy without her, and had some awful rejections from other girls, right after her. At the age of 15, I couldn't really deal with all those emotions. While all my friends started having girlfriends, and started living their sexual lives with the one special girl they chose or who chose them, I was totally lost. I still believe that this is not entirely my fault (maybe around 80% my fault). On the other hand I think it was also bad luck, and because of that bad roll, I became lost.
Over the last year I learnt that I made some horrible mistakes back then. The worst one was making a lot of female friends, going into deep friendships with them, and taking advice from them. Somehow I felt that I need to be close to girls. I was even treated as a cool person among my friends, for hanging out all the time with all those pretty girls. The only sad thing was, that sexual things only happened between me and them when we were totally wasted from alcohol. For not having the skill to get a girlfriend, I somehow tricked my brain and instead of working to get a girlfriend, I did the following thing: remained with all my female friends, and watched porn to get pleased sexually. On lots of occasions, I turned down my guy friends, because I felt much cooler for hanging out with girls, even though they didn't please me sexually. Damn, I remember, I went out with a girl once, became a bit needy, the girl began to reject me, and I asked this female friend: - What should I do? - Buy her flowers, that should totally work - she said... I just can't stop laughing when I look back on that situation. Me, Romeo, standing with a bunch of expensive flowers, hoping that this will make her blossom once again, and what I got was: "I really like you, you are the most perfect man on this planet, the best boyfriend I've ever had, but let's just be friends, Mkay?"
After a few more similar situations, I started raging heavily. This whole victim mentality started to consume me. While all my other friends have been in relationships for 2 or 4 years, I was still just that lonely boy. The horrible thing I did was, that I always knew deep down inside, that the problem has to be with me somewhere, but never did anything to change that (wish I did...)
Something I realized after all these wasted years is that this whole relationship drama was just something I was desperate about, because all my friends were doing it and that's why I never managed to pull it off. I felt like an outcast between my guy friends, and had to find different ways that will make me look cooler. I think most of us can relate to something like this from the teenage years (like starting smoking, which makes you look cooler, etc.) I didn't look worse than any of them, but I still never managed to get a girlfriend. Even today, when I go out with a girl, some dark force (that's what I like to call it nowadays), is pushing me to thoughts like:
SHE IS TOO GOOD FOR YOU!
BE NICE TO HER!
PLEASE HER!
CHASE HER!
EXPOSE YOUR BEST QUALITIES TO HER!
YOU HAVE TO MAKE HER YOUR GIRLFRIEND!
And even when I am trying to move fast, these past experiences still pull my thoughts back from teasing her, my hands from touching her, my lips from kissing her, and by consequence, having a lot of fun with her in the bed.
All this social bullshit made me think of girls in a totally different way. I spent so much time focusing on how on earth can I get them, that I actually forgot to feel them. I just look at them as objects. Objects I NEED. Not beautiful girls who I WANT, who I DESIRE. All my approaches towards girls are still coming from a place of neediness, and not from a place of desire of being with the other sex.
And I find this very sad, but there MUST be a way to overcome this.
There are lots of things that can be fixed, I just don't know for sure what could be the key to make the desire come back.
But I will definitely try more and more approaches, perhaps I just need the right girl to awaken the dominant man in me once again.
Other thoughts/experiences to this topic are welcome.
