Newbie heree - 4 Month Relationship broken off?

[Anonymous]

What's up guys, how's it going. I'm new to the forum here, but I did already read the article on "getting a girlfriend back" and just purchased the book as well.

I'm going to try to keep this as short as possible, and would really appreciate any feedback.

Situation goes like this - Been dating this girl for approx. 4 months. I do care about her a lot, and we always had a great time together, bedroom chemistry was incredible, extremely affectionate when we're together, great conversation always and overall just really got along. We both have extremely tough/busy schedules, so it made it really hard to see each other more than once or twice/week. I let her know that if this was to go somewhere, we could not build it hanging out so little. I put in a lot of effort to see her, while I felt like she did not put in the same. So after this talk a couple of weeks ago she said she knew she wanted to make the effort, was sorry, etc. The following night she already had plans to go out, so I let her know why doesn't she go out and have fun, and I'd meet back up with her later at her place. She said it was going to be really late, so I got a bit frustrated being that we just had that talk the night before about making an effort. Before this, she had also flaked 2 or 3 times which I was already frustrated with.

After that night we got into it a little bit, and I didn't text her much over the next couple of days. Another thing that really frustrated me about her was that she would take hours to respond to text messages. I just see it as common courtesy that if you're having a conversation through text (especially if you're trying to make plans), that you text the person back. It's very simple to open your phone and either A. Respond or B. Say you're in the middle of something, you'll get back later. So after we went back and forth a little bit that week, she did this "no response" thing that lasted for like 5 hours one night. Finally I just shot her a text asking her to just let me know she was ok (i knew she was going out, and was really concerned)..she text me back like nothing was wrong. We were planning on talking about things the following night but i was so frustrated about that, that I just let it go in a text. I told her she had disappointed me too many times, we couldn't build something seeing each other once/week and it needed to end. I did later realize this was childish, so I apologized to her for that and asked her if she would still like to talk. We ended up speaking on the phone and while talking I again apologized for texting, and asked her if she wanted to try to work things out. She said she just didn't think she was ready for a relationship because she always disappoints me so much and she doesn't feel like she's doing anything wrong at the time, and then realizes it later when I bring it up. I told her to just let me know if she didn't have strong enough feelings anymore, as if that was the case I would respect it 100% as you cannot force feelings for someone. She said that was not the case, that her feelings were extremely strong, and she had no clue if she was making the right decision. At the time I told her I did not thinks she was, and asked her if we could see each other as I felt like her seeing me would make her realize that we should work it out.

Well, we did not end up seeing each other as she said she could not. But then a few days later when I thought it was over with I ask her to drop a pair of my pants off to a mutual friend. She says she doesn't feel comfortable doing that, and could we talk the following week (I went away on a trip, in which I'm still on right now)...she needed more time to think. I was just kind of like "Huh, I thought you realized you didn't want to do this, and now you want more time to think about it?". I feel like in the meantime I made myself seem too easy to get, as though we both have strong feelings for each other, I was sending her texts telling her why we should work it out, why she shouldn't give up on it, etc. I don't know if that's making it worse, or if that's why she started thinking about things again? And the last part of it is that she asked me to talk when I get back, but when I brought up a day (Friday - Vday), she wouldn't commit to it. With that said and with her being "so confused" while she supposedly has a lot of feelings, I'm thinking that maybe she's seeing someone else. I did let her know that I thought that and why, and she swore she was not / swore she was being honest about it...but I don't know about this whole situation, period.

I felt like I wanted her back, as she's the first person I've had any feelings for in almost 3 years, and they really are strong feelings. I've dated a lot, but I very rarely fall for someone. I know I care about her a lot, and I would love for it to workout if she could actually commit to changing...but I'm not sure it's even worth it to try to get her back, as I feel like she'll just go right into the same pattern and I'll be dealing with this again 3 months down the road. And I don't even know if she wants to try to work it out. I'm struggling on the next step here...

I'm sorry this was so long guys, I guess I needed to vent it out a bit. I really wanted some advice though from like minded individuals who have experienced this themselves or who have experience helping others in these situations. Any responses really would be greatly appreciated.

Thank You

 

[daviddreamer]

I would just ignore her for a while and if she really wants to make it work she will make the effort. It sounds to me she is the "one-up" and you're the "one-down". Sorry man that is how I see it. I'm not 100% sure.

 

[Axel Page]

It does seem like you were very aggressive and needy in some of your actions (when she said she needed time to figure things out). Also - I find it very strange when you said she wasn't answering text messages for hours at a time. I've been in several LTR and I have never experienced that, and its disappointing and odd for sure. Like you said though, you can't force someone to feel a certain way. Let the situation breath and see if she responds to you. If she still WANTS YOU - she will. If she wants to move on, and is with someone else, she won't. It is very simple, but obviously very difficult. I would just stop contacting her because it is coming off as weak and needy, something that won't help matters.

 

[Light]

Hi Buddy,

I'll like to share with you some thoughts.

Firstly, relationship is a two way street. If you have expectations on someone then you will more likely to be disappointed. Remember that there are no rules that must be followed.

So here is what I come to analyse from your post:

1) Have you ever considered that she may have only thought of you as a Lover and not a Provider? Because that is what it looks like to me. Meaning passionate sex is all good, but I don't think she is anywhere near ready to go into a committed relationship with anyone. So the fact that you tried to push onto her some of your own expectations, it will only make her resist, and as a result, move away from you. This is why she avoids texting you because ignoring you is better. It also explains why she is confused about the situation. She doesn't know what she wants. If you had simply kept her as a F* buddy, then you wouldn't be in this mess, and eventually she may even fall harder for you.

2) After you shown certain expectations, not only did you portray neediness, but you also portrayed yourself as a demanding partner. Both of these traits are very off putting to a woman. Women likes to be dominated, but not controlled. And they definitely don't like guys who shows signs of weakness such as neediness. So she ignored your text for 5 hours? Big deal. When a girl does that to me, I simply stop texting or contacting her. Within a week, she texts me back instead asking why haven't I been in touch. I simply punish her. Women likes guys who they can't get. Majority of them won't appreciate guys who flock all over them.

3) Your strong emotions towards her is exactly what is holding you back. Let go of the emotion. Fine, I understand that you like her a lot or even love her. But there is no point sending tennis balls down her court if she isn't hitting them back. First, learn how to play the game right, get her to like you more than you like her. Then you can afford to invest your emotions.

Again, relationship is a two way street. It's never going to be JUST about what you want.