Not putting your dick in crazy

[ray_zorse]

Guys I've had this stalker for 6mth or more, I met her when I invited my son's class to my house for a party and then she resumed contact by insisting I take some sheets and bedding that she was gonna give to charity, I politely agreed to take one or two items and ended up buying her a coffee and deep diving her a bit, in a purely friendly manner. Where it went a bit pear shaped was I had her give me a lift back to my car and I think she thought I was gonna make a move, when I didn't she went totally weird and missed-window ish, kept contacting me by text and sending me shit etc, to the effect I was shallow, was using the school for pickup, blah blah, anyway I ignored all this but she's more recently been trying to pass notes to me at school and sending me presents via my kids and messages via other people, I broke silence once or twice to tell her firmly to stop and that I would be willing to talk to her on the same basis as other parents but not to receive notes etc, also that I found it difficult to understand why she would say those things.

Just received this text:

Good evening, [another school mum] says this is your number so rather than wait for you to reply which from experience is never can you meet me in the city on the weekend to talk and hand over the book and note. Talking at school is no good for me and i am totally clueless about whether you want to talk to me or not. Around five would be good [hotel] is good. I will be there at five on [day], If you dont want to just put the book and note in an envelope and leave at the school office. I will not contact you again. All the best to you and your kids, the little one is the cutest regards [her name]

What should I do?

I'm tempted to ignore, but I don't like the thought of her turning up all dressed up and hopeful and her mood slowly souring as it becomes apparent I'm not coming.

I'm tempted to reply that I won't go, but I feel that would be adding fuel to the fire and that a lot of her behaviour is aimed at eliciting a response from me and I don't want to give her the satisfaction, especially as I already broke silence once or twice at school and it only seems to have encouraged her.

I could turn up and just spend 10min or so explaining how disappointed I am with her behaviour and, again, that I'm willing to interact with her like any other parent, but no further. But that looks like compliance.

One of the huge red flags here is how judgemental she is and how she always tells but never asks (that last sentence about my son is an example but the rest was a lot worse), abusers often do this as they believe they can think for you and that they initimately know your motivations and thought process when nothing could be further from the truth, my ex-wife was like this also.

A tiny part of me wants to just meet her, fuck her, and dump her, I've never been too attracted but it feels like a waste of free sex. But I know it would make matters much worse. Also, there is bound to be tons of drama and LMR since she's convinced herself that I'm hot for it and she's friendzoned me, this is just her way to rationalize her chasing and feel better I think, but it's still totally weird?

Your advice?

Ray

PS I have kept her notes etc, in case I have to apply for an Intervention Order to prevent her contacting me or coming within x metres of me. I'm also considering this but it seems a bit drastic, at least I should warn her of the situation first.

 

[Jaimie Richards]

Hey Ray,

The first thing I thought was the same thing you've already said about keeping messages from her, so you can use it against her - if the need comes.

Then I realized this: your and her children are studying at the same place, so I guess it'd be good to take that in the picture. If she's crazy - and that's how it looks like - it would be best to minimize the potential damage that she can cause to your kids. After all, they are innocent in this situation.

What I mean is this: if she has a grudge, she can turn other parents against you and then they can set negative emotions in their offspring towards your kids (I've heard about such situation from friends of my family).

It's a double-lose situation to me: if you ignore her, behave rude towards her, get a restraining order etc. she'll have a grudge. Otherwise, you'll have her stalking you. Even if you go the first route, you can still have a stalker. If you go and leave the stuff as she's asked, she may still stalk you, otherwise: same story.

Honestly, I don't know what to tell besides what you already know - remember about your kids, DON'T stick your dick in crazy and gather all messages and stuff she sends you.

Brace yourself, bro and send us updates.

- J.

 

[ray_zorse]

I'm thinking I may counter-offer some brief meeting over coffee or similar, to tell her again that I am willing to interact with her just like any other parent, but that I'm uninterested in any comment or opinion she might express on my lifestyle or anything else, she's to stop contacting me outside of school or writing letters, giving gifts or asking any other kids or parents about me, if she must speak to me she may do so directly to my face at the pickups/dropoffs, exactly as the other parents do but that's all. I am sure that this will not do any good, but the problem is precisely what you describe, ideally it would be good to fend her off while keeping her sweet and I'm willing to expend a little effort to make this happen, have no problem with telling her sternly to get lost or whatever, but the question in my mind is how to handle the situation optimally, to discourage her without provoking?

How about the following text:

I think it only fair to tell you that I have plans for [day] and will not be at [hotel]. I am happy to interact with you on the same basis as any other parent. The other parents do not place demands or judgements on me -- and your behaviour in that regard is not normal. Please do not contact me outside of school, please stop asking other parents about me, and please stop passing letters, notes or presents, especially via other people. If you must bring up issues then please do so directly to my face, and listen to my response instead of cutting me off as you have the last few times. Finally in regards to the book, it was an unsolicited gift, and I can't see why you'd assume I'll go out of my way to return it to you.

Looks like too much investment, right? Oh, I don't know...

Ray

 

[ray_zorse]

Yes, you're right as usual. I wouldn't be surprised if tomorrow she approaches me at school looking all smug and asking if I received her text. If I absolutely can't avoid this, I'll say "yes" and then leave a long pause without eye contact, she'll then ask something like, are you coming to [hotel], and I'll say "no" and then leave another long pause without eye contact, if she then says "why not" I'll say "I don't know" and pause, etc.
Ray

 

[Idle Billy]

What made you deep dive in the 1st place if you didn't wanna shag her?

 

[ray_zorse]

Thanks for the tips Drexel and Radeng... I deliberated for some time but decided not to send the text. I also agree that a polite dismissal is better than what I proposed.

Idle Billy, deep diving is a very useful tool in many social situations. Chase recounts that after he invented (or at least formalized) the notion of deep diving, he would get introduced to friends or relatives that people had known for years, and in a brief conversation would discover stuff about them that the person who'd known them for years had no idea of. If you are looking to make business or professional contacts, or just make friends with guys etc, certainly deep dive them. In my case it was just good practice since this was a mum with a kid at my son's school, so I'd be around her for some years to come, and it was good to build some sort of friendly relationship. Although it worked a bit too well in this case. But I did not use any sexual frames or anything of that nature (note Chase says chase frames are good to use in social/business situations though, you just modify accordingly... e.g. accusing the customer of trying to talk you into a good deal on a car... when in reality you're trying to convince him to buy it).

Ray