Long-Term Oh how the pendulum swings, now I am the needy one

[SwissChocolate]

PREFACE
I started off this relationship wt a driven, accomplished, and great HB10 (we'll call her Boots) very well. Even though she's the best girl that I have ever hooked up with overall, I applied the techniques on this sight well enough to put me in a very good position (besides in the beginning when we were temporarily broken up because she felt like her affection was unrequited). I was the first guy to plant my flag on her soil, and I mean that. Due to our relatively boring high school, her predispositions about hookups and guys, her low attainability, and her friend group, I was the first to open her up. I gave Boots her first romantic experience, introduced her to soooooo many people, and showed her the fun of partying.

THE TIPPING POINT
We proceeded to have an amazing relationship while she increasingly fell for me. Last summer I was having an extremely fun time socially and while taking on a prestigious internship while she was having a relatively boring summer. This drove my attainability too far down while driving hers up and eventually she told me, in a bout of tears, that she feels like I don't pay her enough attention and that she loves me more than I do (Even though throughout this relationship I think I have always loved her more).

POORLY ADRESSING THE SITUATION: MY OVER COMPENSATION
That was the second time our relationship had hit a bad spot from my seeming lack of interest and I truly began to think that I was neglecting her. This lead me to over compensate by telling her that I love her more than she does and saying "I even love you so much that I want to stay with you in college".
...That was bad, not just because it's a very needy thing to say, but because it was a lie to make her feel good
I didn't realize how bad that was at the time, and for the following month I showed far more interest than I ever have while she slowly began doing the opposite.

WHERE I STAND TODAY
It has gotten to the point where I showed too much interest, and I think she is loosing hers (a little bit). Nothing is wrong really but I can feel my loss of dominance and I do not like it at all, I feel like I have went from being the prize to being the needy one. Nowadays she parties and hangs out with more people which has definitely made her less subordinate to me. I wanted to start slowly weening her off from my overt show of interest by texting her less and seeming less interested but she recently had a serious concussion in soccer which has put her in a very bad place(she is a D1 commit to an Ivy-league); I don't want pulling away when she has a bad medical condition, so I will stop being an overly attentive boyfriend when this small crisis passes in about a week.

MY QUESTION
Being that I am currently the needier one, how do I re-establish my dominant place in the relationship without being a bad boyfriend? I still want to see her often (not to be a good boyfriend but because I really enjoy it) but I know that I need to show her my sprezzatura and come off that I am putting in less effort than she is. I want to gradually assert myself as the sought after one again but gradually and incrementally.

Thanks
Alec

P.S. I don't really want to start approaching more because I already have more connections with girls than I care to have/have time for as of now. So if you were going to suggest more approaching, I am not really for it.

 

[ray_zorse]

I get where you're coming from about not wanting to approach more, but your problem here is you cannot turn back the clock. Unfortunately having set a precedent in a relationship you have to follow through on that precedent. She should not have to accept a backward step. So I think it is kind of decision time for you, you have set a precedent of texting her a lot (say every day) and wanting to stay together in college. Do you actually want to follow through on that? You said it was a lie to make her feel good. So, if you don't want to follow through on that, then you're wanting her to accept a backward step (from serious committed relationship to casual, "for now" dating type relationship). I don't think that is possible. Yes, I understand that the problem isn't really the commitment on your side but the fact that she's starting to pull away. But nevertheless, before addressing that issue I think it's important to know where YOU stand here.

So I think your choices are
(1) tell her that you changed your mind and she is free to go; or
(2) continue to pursue a committed relationship on your terms.

So if you chose #2 then I do not really see a problem with texting her every day and planning a future together. You're having a problem now because you failed a big test and she's now thinking "hey... he doesn't seem like the strong, dominant guy I thought he was". But, failing a test isn't the end of the world. Women test you every day. For example my girlfriend often seeks compliance in small things like "close the door" or something. I think it is an instinctive behaviour. Quite often I comply, because she's been unwell lately and I've been doing my best to care for her (like you mentioned with your girlfriend's concussion). But last night I decided enough for the time being, she ordered me to close the door to the balcony and I said "haha, if I wanted the door closed I would probably just get up and close it myself"... she curls up on the couch "ohhh I'm cooold..." (whiny tone). I ignored her. After 10min or so, she got up and went and got a sweater for herself. After another 10min she got up and closed the door. Mission accomplished. So my point is that as long as there is a balance you will be okay in regards to her tests. Drexel suggests that if you feel you're slipping, then one possibility is choose something (like some small test of hers) to make a big deal about, and do not back down until you gain compliance. I've used this quite a few times with success and managed to rebalance.

Having said that, honestly I feel the problems go a bit deeper here. She's definitely beginning to move on, you've turned her on to partying and that's just fine. But you're feeling a bit jealous perhaps because she now has her own partying circle. I really think you need to let go a bit and let her live her life. Your frame is a bit weak. My frame in regards to my girlfriend is "I don't think she could get as good an experience elsewhere as she could get with me -- in terms of leadership, passing her tests, giving her great sex and so on -- but in the unlikely event she can, then I think she should go for it, with my warmest wishes". As a matter of fact I believe she is on a date about now with a 23yo Columbian dude she picked up in a club last week (yes I turned my girlfriend on to partying too). Why I don't particularly care about this is I'd probably be happier as a playboy than in a committed relationship. My honest diagnosis would be you should go for choice #1 above. And, you know, never say never, because once she realizes that her pulling away made you pull away too, she may well reconsider.

Ray

 

[Michael]

I think there was an article by Drexel about this very topic. Let me see if I can find it...

OK it was a guest post by George Russell, "A Doomed Relationship is an Ideal Springboard"
https://www.girlschase.com/content/doome ... pringboard