Ojecting sex with the "serious talk" after you already did it : how to handle?

[lux7]

I have had a scenario today which I have already seen in the past.

You already had sex with a girl, but she still slows things down and tries to deflect your sexual advances with some serious talk trying to get you to commit (you only want sex, let's have a drink before, talk to me, I have been hurt in the past.. ).

This case was a bit more in the realm of the woman being afraid of falling in love and getting hurt I believe as still too fresh out of the "sex means love" phase (she hadn't had sex since 2012 with a man and only had one single male partner before but being bi also had 2 girls being).

The question is: how do you deal with it?
My stock answer has always been to deflect the serious talk before sex UNLESS it's becoming a real issue, in which case I usually just say the truth (I like her and enjoy the time with her and will care for her but... But have no intention of settling down).

 

[Bboy100]

Re: Ojecting sex with the "serious talk" after you already did it : how to handl

My stock answer has always been to deflect the serious talk before sex UNLESS it's becoming a real issue, in which case I usually just say the truth (I like her and enjoy the time with her and will care for her but... But have no intention of settling down).

I usually don't like to moralize the advice I give but I've met enough people who have been fucked over by lack of honesty by their partner to have a pretty strong stance on this. So my question to you is...why do you even deflect this conversation? That sounds like a pretty shitty thing to do. If a girl tries to have a conversation with you about commitment/what a relationship is etc., you should be upfront about it. The longer you put it off, the higher the likelihood of hurt feelings, bitterness, resentment etc.

Also morals aside, it still benefits you to be upfront with girls in the long run. When you "deflect" a conversation, she knows exactly what you're doing. Even if she's not exactly sure how to deal with it. She'll definitely still bitch about it to her friends. If you know any of said friends, they'll lose respect and attraction for you. Also, this behavior communicates scarcity to her. Your lack of willingness to tell it like it is suggests you're not very confident you can find a girl who's willing to have the type of relationship you're after (that might not be true, but that's how she perceives it!)

As for what to do now...sounds like you already answered your question. Just be honest with her.

 

[WayOfHand]

Re: Ojecting sex with the "serious talk" after you already did it : how to handl

BBoy your train of thought is quite interesting and I have to admit that the openness equaling abundance sounds quite correct. Small thing I would love to add/tweak however.

When being "honest" many guys feel the need to tell the girl that they have no intention of settling down. What should be also made clear here is that this is how you feel at the moment and you actually have nothing against settling down and you might possibly do it in the future. Even though you dont even think like this. Because most guys end up married. You just cannot understand it atm. Think was it Chase who called this "end of history illusion". It makes you less absolute and ups attainability, which is usually good when trying to get girl in an open relationship. And its totally true!

 

[lux7]

Re: Ojecting sex with the "serious talk" after you already did it : how to handl

Guys, guys, before this turns into an ethic and morals discussion -and I full-heartedly agree and act on the being honest and caring for people around-, this is about LMR.

It's the two of you being horny but she putting on the breaks.

Just to be clear:

The serious talk - lousy way

The place for the serious talk is not while you're escalating and being horny.
And while I do understand where it's coming from, that's disrespectful to you and it's rewarding bad behaviour.
That's her trying to manipulate you by using sex as leverage and if you let her get away with it, you indulge bad behaviour and set a bad precedent.

It's akin to a friend who forgot the wallet and is asking you to get this round. You say that of course you'll take it: you have such a great time with him and appreciates him so much!
But hey, you have a wardrobe to assemble, if you take this round will he then help with that? Because if he doesn't help you later, well.. You might not help him out now..
That's lousy friendship.
That's the friends you don't wanna have.

And asking for commitment while on escalation is lousy manipulative behaviour.

There are exceptions and I will engage them if I'm seeing she's really struggling and/or I fucked it up earlier (ie.: she's falling in love and is getting scared ; you didn't make her feel like you appreciate her and now she feels used ; she's way too inexperienced etc.)



The serious talk : the good way

Other women I have had in the past will go on with the sexual flow and generally give you and herself a great time.
And see you a few times, and bring you something, and overall caring about you for a little while.

And then, while you are sitting somewhere and speaking or while the evening is winding down and it's getting time to say bye, they will bring up the serious conversation.
And they will voice their concerns in a honest fashion (albeit women style of course) : while they love their time with you, they don't do sex outside of a relationship; or if you don't commit, while they love their time with you, they can't keep going on. Or whatever it is along those lines.
That I respect.

That's giving value first and then asking for more. That's taking it forward by adding value to each other and then asking for the formal stamp.

Which is akin to you being a real friend and caring for your friends and then, when it's you being in need, righteously expecting some support.



I hope I made myself clear: the first scenario, you should minimize the verbal interaction and go past it (bar the exceptions).
How to do it is the subject of this topic.