On being a conversationalist, confidence and trust

[M_Ronin]

Based on the title, you thought it was about my confidence? Well no. It's about other people's confidence that I seek to explore. How this plays out in conversations, trust issues and opening up.

My observations so far:
-When it comes to conversing with new acquintances, I would rate most people's confidence levels to lower than my own.

-I think confidence can be measured by how fast people open themselves up and reveal more intimate parts of themselves.

-Confidence ties directly to perfectionism. More confident a person is, less they will care about making mistakes and try to control the interaction. The thing they attempt to control is mostly themselves, especially their facial expressions. However, if theyre in a power position they might try to control others. Think of a parent forcefully controlling a child.

-Control is useful when there is danger involved. Again, think of the parent controlling their child to not wander off freely in a hideous neighborhood.

-But many people overestimate danger, especially in civilized environments or social circumstances. Think of the parent who is hastily trying to shut a crying baby in public because of an overestimated fear of annoying other people too much... when people would be perfectly fine with it.

-That said inner demons cause people to percieve "imaginary monsters" in the outside world. So they shut themselves and people under them down when triggered.

-Or maybe they employ other tactics such as flight and maybe fight. Think of flaky girls for flight response. And think of a person reacting to criticism with excessive anger (Hint: whichever criticism pushes their buttons, they also employ to themselves internally)

-Everyone has a different tolerance to potential threats. High confidence people have huge tolerance levels and low confidence people might have surprisingly low tolerance levels.


-Which brings to my most important conclusion: No matter what you do, no matter how much you open yourself up, while it makes you less unaffected by these people; you also dont seem to make much of a lasting impact on them. You can not carry these people to your level. You can only invite.

-This is especially important in seduction as well. I am in this weird world where I vibe especially well with confident people, men & women. But have a harder time getting intimate with others as much. It seems to me confident, beautiful, tall women are easier to flirt with, give more IOIs, are more open to being cold approached and they even tolerate my mistakes more.

-Low confidence=harder to open up. Harder to open up=less I see the real them and less I want to implore more. Less they reveal the real them=less they feel like you've known them.

So even if the girls like you, they still give you a harder time, more shit tests and are more flaky. But it's less beautiful girls who do this mostly. Around them, I feel more on the fence.

So, do you guys know of good ways to handle the insecurities of others'? Maybe more understanding and dominance is needed? I think a good discussion can ensue out of this.

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@M_Ronin dude! I really enjoyed reading your post, there were some really cool things in there and some cool observations. I've experienced some mixed references which would contradict some of your observations but these are the exceptions not the rules. If theres awkward behaviour a will experience it! :')

Getting back to your question, its very open ended to context. Dealing with a friends insecurities is different to a strangers, and different insecurities are handled differently. Do they need more warmth? Do they need more understanding? Just need to feel chilled? I have a lot of people open up to me pretty easily, come to me for advice, trust me and look to me for direction. Some of these people are insecure, others are peers and equals but after a second opinion. Its a matter of being a lighthouse. A light in the dark guiding the way.

If people feel safe with you, that they can trust you, that ya can handle whatever is thrown at ya people open up. Dominance won't open someone up who's shy and timid, it can be called for in situations but they need to feel comfortable to do that. Your body language will do more for you here than anything you can say. If you can handle the tension the pay off is great.

Hope this helps dude!

 

[M_Ronin]

@M_Ronin dude! I really enjoyed reading your post, there were some really cool things in there and some cool observations. I've experienced some mixed references which would contradict some of your observations but these are the exceptions not the rules. If theres awkward behaviour a will experience it! :')

Getting back to your question, its very open ended to context. Dealing with a friends insecurities is different to a strangers, and different insecurities are handled differently. Do they need more warmth? Do they need more understanding? Just need to feel chilled? I have a lot of people open up to me pretty easily, come to me for advice, trust me and look to me for direction. Some of these people are insecure, others are peers and equals but after a second opinion. Its a matter of being a lighthouse. A light in the dark guiding the way.

If people feel safe with you, that they can trust you, that ya can handle whatever is thrown at ya people open up. Dominance won't open someone up who's shy and timid, it can be called for in situations but they need to feel comfortable to do that. Your body language will do more for you here than anything you can say. If you can handle the tension the pay off is great.

Hope this helps dude!

Yeah dude! Your post is really helpful actually. I didnt comprehend what you wrote first. But I gave it some time to cook. Now I understand. Especially the part about being able to handle whatever is thrown at. Pure genius.

I would like further discussion. You said some contradicting examples. What are they?

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@M_Ronin dude! Am glad it helped. I find some people have to read what I have wrote a couple times before they understand what I mean. Am working on it... haha

I'm happy to discuss further and the contradicting examples I have is where people aren't confident and therefore spill everything/open up as an insecurity trait. They do it to either fill the void (silence), try to impress, just ramble. Some people view this as people being confident but they're really not its a mask or a front they put on. Some of it is genuine and you'll see them like ahh I didn't mean to tell you that! and some of it is just shit.

So I know this guy who's full of himself (think of Jay from the inbetweeners - UK version) where he'll big himself up and make up a lot of lies to make himself seem cool in an attempt to make you like him. The lies are always over the top and he'll always one up you, if you've met a super model he's met ten.... He will also open up about his 'troubled' past and he's told people that his surname is fake for his protection.... well its not that protected now is it genius! He'll tell you anything and everything and I legitimately heard him telling a girl how much money he made in a bid to impress her. (firstly she was a whale, I don't know why he'd want to impress her and secondly she wasn't impressed because she made more... apparently. Who knows?).

The next example goes hand in hand but isn't directly related. I know this girl who met this guy, because he sent his friend over to ask if she liked him. (They are late 20's like wtf seriously? He might as well have sent a note saying do you like me check yes or no! Haha!!) When she accepted this 'approach' they started talking. She described it that "he was really confident he wouldn't shut up"... this isn't confidence. If he had confidence he would have approached. I wasn't there but I can guarantee this was nerves and he rambled on out of insecurity. He done the talking thinking if he said enough impressive things she would like him. Totally wrong and it made me cringe just hearing about it but oh well. (I wouldn't be surprised if she was talking to the other guy, except have seen him approach)

I dated this girl who was incredibly insecure around me and after being together a while she told me just how nervous she was talking to me and how she wanted to impress me. She never had much confidence in herself but she told me everything in a bid to impress me. She got out her phone and was showing me pictures. This behaviour continued for a while, and she always apologised for rambling but would then do it again. I was confident in the silence and from asking the questions to deep dive to discover more about her and to get her to open up emotionally to me. She knew very little about me but would have felt like she knew me because she was able to open up so much. (I have had similar examples with other girls I have met and dated)

There's a thread that I posted a while back about this girl who was very insecure with me, perceived me as very high value and a confident guy and she blurted out things to me in a totally uncalibrated way because she wasn't socially graceful. Its kinda cute when you can make girls fumble their words and say stuff. They're opening up to you but its not how confident they are in themselves. It's more how confident they are in you.

Another thing to note, I have had complete strangers come up to me and ask for relationship advice or what I think of certain things. I don't think they're confident people, but they like an anonymous input. They don't have to open up about things to their friends this way....

Just something to think about dude!