- Joined
- May 20, 2014
- Messages
- 2
Hi all,
I divorced a year ago, after a 15-year marriage (and four kids), and have been reading the board & articles, while trying to put things into practice. During this year, I've lost 55kg (that's some 120lb), gotten fit (ran my first mountain marathon two weeks ago), and improved my fashion sense. My marriage was a train wreck of oneitis, compliance, displays of low value, and general "letting myself go into darkness with a tub of Nutella". Thus, I have a lot of work to do. I'd like to share some observations, and ask some questions.
1. On your past experience & reasons for divorce:
In my case, relationship with my ex was going downhill for a few years, until she decided to spend a few thousand bucks on getting boobs etc. and had an affair with an ex-boyfriend, and then when I found out, with another ex-boyfriend. This of course doesn't speak wonders about me as a man, and I have doubts on what to say if the topic comes up when dating women now. I want to be 100% honest, straight and truthful, but I don't want to hurt my chances... I've become a new man in the past year, so how do I put these two together?
2. On eye contact:
I'm getting better at using peripheral vision, never look down etc. - but before reading the articles on elite eye contact, flirting I would look at almost any woman I'd come across walking down the street. I'd get looks back almost 100% of the time, with most looks away sideways, and a few looks downward. Even though I'd be in the chase position, what does the fact that most women look back indicate? Through the 15 years of marriage I've gotten my self-confidence and self-image down quite a few notches, and it's hard for me to calibrate if I look good or not.
As an observation, I get many more "lustful" looks (I class those as when the eyes communicate definite interest followed by a look down) from women that are in the company of a man that from women who are alone or with other women. Not sure why it happens, but it sounds scary to think of being on the receiving end of this.
3. On handling blows to the balls:
By this I mean when you try to open and you get the equivalent of "screw you" with words, looks, gestures or a combination of all. Example:
Me: "Hi, how's your day?"
Her: "Hmmm (disgusted look) fiiine..." followed by looking away or other signals of disinterest
How do you handle this? Do you not say a word and walk off, do you come up with something witty, then walk off? As an example of one interaction I had over IM with a girl who listed "Fan of Julio Iglesias" as part of her profile:
Me: "So, is the Julio part for real, or to scare men off?"
Her: [Blocked me on IM]
Obviously it was for real. I had her name & found her on Facebook, and sent a simple note: "Hope I didn't offend you with the Julio comment... it's just that I'm more a Beach Boys fan". She didn't get back, last I heard. I just felt I had to say something... maybe it's the wrong thing to do and one should just move on.
4. On not wanting women in my life:
I actually don't really care to have a woman in my life (well I do, of course, but you know what I mean...) - I'm very independent and love to do a ton of stuff by myself or with friends, be it flying, sailing, biking, adventure sports, climbing mountains... you name it. How far do I need to push on this point? I've found that on a couple of occasions, it appeared women I was interested in actually believed me and wrote me off, so-to-speak. I've also had approaches from women (only a couple) who very clearly stated they were interested in me, sadly though in which I was not interested... and told them clearly so, saying I didn't really need a woman in my life and that I was fine by myself.
5. On pushing for a date:
I'm on IM with three women right now, I try to not text every day, and two whom I've suggested we get together for a coffee have replied along the lines "yeah but I'm busy this week" or "yeah, OK...". How far should I push things? Do I wait for them to suggest something, or do I propose a day and see what happens? When is a good time to give up?
6. On using hot female friends for advice:
I met an extremely hot woman a few months ago - the sort that has men with their wives next to them turning around to look (followed by the loud "thud!" of a handbag against their head). Very early on she told me she only wanted friendships etc. but then was also teasing often. I can't remember which post on the site I read about this, but she is the textbook example of the hot woman posting pics in sexy poses and having a cadre of men salivating and telling her how gorgeous she is, but not actually committing with anyone, while growing an orbiter base. In my case, I was recently out of my marriage and didn't really want a relationship (or even sex to be honest), and we ended up as friends. Question is, can I use her to benchmark my progress, getting advice, etc.? Is it advisable to do so?
That's all for now!
I divorced a year ago, after a 15-year marriage (and four kids), and have been reading the board & articles, while trying to put things into practice. During this year, I've lost 55kg (that's some 120lb), gotten fit (ran my first mountain marathon two weeks ago), and improved my fashion sense. My marriage was a train wreck of oneitis, compliance, displays of low value, and general "letting myself go into darkness with a tub of Nutella". Thus, I have a lot of work to do. I'd like to share some observations, and ask some questions.
1. On your past experience & reasons for divorce:
In my case, relationship with my ex was going downhill for a few years, until she decided to spend a few thousand bucks on getting boobs etc. and had an affair with an ex-boyfriend, and then when I found out, with another ex-boyfriend. This of course doesn't speak wonders about me as a man, and I have doubts on what to say if the topic comes up when dating women now. I want to be 100% honest, straight and truthful, but I don't want to hurt my chances... I've become a new man in the past year, so how do I put these two together?
2. On eye contact:
I'm getting better at using peripheral vision, never look down etc. - but before reading the articles on elite eye contact, flirting I would look at almost any woman I'd come across walking down the street. I'd get looks back almost 100% of the time, with most looks away sideways, and a few looks downward. Even though I'd be in the chase position, what does the fact that most women look back indicate? Through the 15 years of marriage I've gotten my self-confidence and self-image down quite a few notches, and it's hard for me to calibrate if I look good or not.
As an observation, I get many more "lustful" looks (I class those as when the eyes communicate definite interest followed by a look down) from women that are in the company of a man that from women who are alone or with other women. Not sure why it happens, but it sounds scary to think of being on the receiving end of this.
3. On handling blows to the balls:
By this I mean when you try to open and you get the equivalent of "screw you" with words, looks, gestures or a combination of all. Example:
Me: "Hi, how's your day?"
Her: "Hmmm (disgusted look) fiiine..." followed by looking away or other signals of disinterest
How do you handle this? Do you not say a word and walk off, do you come up with something witty, then walk off? As an example of one interaction I had over IM with a girl who listed "Fan of Julio Iglesias" as part of her profile:
Me: "So, is the Julio part for real, or to scare men off?"
Her: [Blocked me on IM]
Obviously it was for real. I had her name & found her on Facebook, and sent a simple note: "Hope I didn't offend you with the Julio comment... it's just that I'm more a Beach Boys fan". She didn't get back, last I heard. I just felt I had to say something... maybe it's the wrong thing to do and one should just move on.
4. On not wanting women in my life:
I actually don't really care to have a woman in my life (well I do, of course, but you know what I mean...) - I'm very independent and love to do a ton of stuff by myself or with friends, be it flying, sailing, biking, adventure sports, climbing mountains... you name it. How far do I need to push on this point? I've found that on a couple of occasions, it appeared women I was interested in actually believed me and wrote me off, so-to-speak. I've also had approaches from women (only a couple) who very clearly stated they were interested in me, sadly though in which I was not interested... and told them clearly so, saying I didn't really need a woman in my life and that I was fine by myself.
5. On pushing for a date:
I'm on IM with three women right now, I try to not text every day, and two whom I've suggested we get together for a coffee have replied along the lines "yeah but I'm busy this week" or "yeah, OK...". How far should I push things? Do I wait for them to suggest something, or do I propose a day and see what happens? When is a good time to give up?
6. On using hot female friends for advice:
I met an extremely hot woman a few months ago - the sort that has men with their wives next to them turning around to look (followed by the loud "thud!" of a handbag against their head). Very early on she told me she only wanted friendships etc. but then was also teasing often. I can't remember which post on the site I read about this, but she is the textbook example of the hot woman posting pics in sexy poses and having a cadre of men salivating and telling her how gorgeous she is, but not actually committing with anyone, while growing an orbiter base. In my case, I was recently out of my marriage and didn't really want a relationship (or even sex to be honest), and we ended up as friends. Question is, can I use her to benchmark my progress, getting advice, etc.? Is it advisable to do so?
That's all for now!
