People are silent about their dissatisfaction, but why?

[Lover]

One thing I can't wrap my head around these days, is why people are silent to someone they are dissatisfied about. In families and some couples, not as much. But this is pretty much every other context I can think of concerning people already knowing each other: friends, student/teacher, worker/boss, student/student etc. Even if people are encouraged to speak up when dissatisfied, they talk to other people about their dissatisfaction, but rarely the source of the problem. It is like they don't want to solve it, or they think it can't be solved. I wish I could think of a time I did this to give my own perspective, but honestly I can't as I'm writing this. If I ever did something like this, I sure don't remember why I did this. In general, I'm good at speaking up.

But I think I am missing some pieces of the puzzle. Why are most people staying silent about their dissatisfaction? And how does context affect this?

Also, I'm a martial arts instructor myself and have encouraged my students to speak up to the source of their dissatisfaction, not everybody else. It doesn't matter if the source is me, their teammates or parents. It's fine if they talk to a third party and then talk to the source afterwards. But sometimes when I'm the source of dissatisfaction, I hear things from a third party, and that confuses me. I wonder if I did something wrong, or if it is inevitable to expect them to speak up to the source all the time. Can I do anymore than I've already done? It's a little depressing to just leave things like this, but I can accept it if I have done my best.

 

[Chase]

Ajay-

Why are most people staying silent about their dissatisfaction? And how does context affect this?

Expressing dissatisfaction 'rocks the boat'. Often, it gets one into a confrontation.

That may end well, with the dissatisfied person getting what she wants. Or it may harm the relationship, create hostilities, create enemies, or have all sorts of undesirable effects. It may just lead to an argument, which can be unpleasant.

So, you get a lot of people who avoid expressing dissatisfaction, because they want to avoid the unpleasantness that often accompanies it.

The next question is "Why are some people confrontation-avoidant, while other people have no problem with confrontations?" Because this is really what opening up about dissatisfaction is. It's confrontation.

You can allay the "hide the dissatisfaction" problem somewhat by coming across warm, accepting, and non-judgmental. You encourage people to be more open with you, because whatever they tell you, you don't attack them for it, judge them for it, or get mad.

Even then though, people are their personalities and histories. If someone has a personality that predisposes him to confrontation avoidance, or he had an upbringing that instilled in him a real fear of confrontation, he will avoid voicing his dissatisfaction to you, regardless how accepting you seem.

Some people may also view discussions of dissatisfaction as an inconvenience. "Well, it's just a small thing I'm unhappy with. I don't want to inconvenience this person." Other people may view it as a hierarchy thing: "I'm just a low-ranking member of this dojo. I don't want to tell the instructor about this thing I'm dissatisfied with. I'll sound ungrateful and like I think I know how to run a dojo better than the instructor does. I don't want to be viewed as an uppity student." Still others may simply not have the social acumen to know how to phrase their discontent without knowing they won't be offensive or stirring the pot: "I want to tell this person that, but I don't know for sure it won't piss him off."

So you end up with a lot of people who are the "grin and bear it" types.

Personally, I find you need to do a lot more checking up with these people, ask them how they're doing, ask them if they like this or that, and pay attention to facial expressions, voice tone, etc. to try to spot things they're unhappy with. It's a bit of a pain, but sometimes it's the only way to get the truth out of the more tight-lipped individuals (who are trying to be nice, or fear rocking the boat too much).

Another thing you can do is repeatedly tell people to voice things with you they're at all dissatisfied with. In a martial arts dojo, that might be like "I say this every so often, but I want to say it again for any new people, and to remind old people. If there's anything you're unhappy with here, let me know. I'm the instructor, I'm not God. If the bags have cracks and they're hurting your knuckles, I may not have realized. If the floor has sweat on it and you slip on it, I may not have seen that sweat puddle. If I didn't give you enough attention on your strikes, let me know, I may have got sucked into helping some other student and overlooked you. Again, I'm not a deity, I don't know what you know, so if you want the best class possible, help me find the things you think could be better or more helpful, and let me know. I will do everything I can to make sure we get things good for you."

Chase

 

[Forger_38]

Another issue that sometimes prevents people to talk about their issues is that they don't really want to face them, they hope the problems will go away if they live on and don't look at them, but talking about this issue means that you're acknowledging their existence and realising that they're the thing bothering you in your life. You can't escape them anymore, you can't just ignore them and hope they fade away anymore, they're now present, right in your face, and you have to fight them.

Plus, it's as Chase said as well, it can create issues between people because some will get offended about the issue existing (because they're one of the reasons why they exist, or they think they are), some people won't talk about their issues because they don't want to bother others with them... There are lots of reasons, and sometimes they even pile up and make talking about one's problems even more difficult.

 

[Lover]

Hey guys, your inputs are great! Thanks a lot! Especially the note about "thw grin and bear it" types - these fellas seem to be more passive aggressive about their dissatisfaction in a crowd of people.

The timing of my post is kind of great since I just got home from a short vacation and had a speak up issue myself already upon returning home.

I won't go into details, but this guy I'm working with, has been giving me trouble lately. And yesterday he really crossed the line (needless to say, he has crossed lines before). I have been telling him a couple of times in a nice manner that he needs to change some of his attitudes in front of me and other people to avoid giving off the wrong message to the spectators. This time, I just don't feel like confronting him about it and would rather go straight to the leading comittee. I was already filing in a complaint about an incident some time ago, and now he just gave me another reason to put in the complaint.

So yeah, sometimes you just get tired of speaking up and confrontating the same person. It sucks, but I would have to quit if it keeps going. This would decrease happiness for me in the long run.