Personal problems: To share or not to share?

[andrewzx]

So ive been experiencing lots of troubling events in my life lately, as im sure others have delt with and overcome. (Which I wholeheartedly plan to do) However, troubling life events tend to stay at the forefront of your mind.

Now, what do you do when it comes to dating and female relationships. Do you somehow use this to your advantage and somehow use it to build a special emotional connection? Or perhaps, is it better to completely ignore the negative energy and not allow it to mix and mingle with your romantic relations.

(Im sure the type of relationships you have with certain woman also plays a role)

What do you guys think? As always all input is welcomed.

Yours, Andrew

 

[nino]

I try to keep my negative talks within my best friends. One thing negative topics do is create negative emotions and women react strongly to emotions. They have an emotional memory so when they'll remember you they remember tension (and it's not a sexual one). Also, a woman looks for a man who gives her stability, a man who has his things together and not someone who dumps all his emotional load on her.

My best female friend and I talked about something similar a while ago. She was seeing someone who then felt so close to her that he felt the need to whine about his stuff that she decided to end it in order to, and I quote, "protect myself". You definitely do not want to be the guy who she wants to be protected from.

Had something similar happen to myself, I was regularly sleeping with someone and when we got a little more personal I too told her something a little too personal (and negative) and she just said, even if a little tipsy, "so, why you tell me?". She was strongly attracted to me already but it also turned me into boyfriend material, there was no sex anymore and she felt the need to care for me. Needless to say that hadn't I ended it right there (I was in for the sex only) I would have probably been friendzoned bad.

 

[andrewzx]

Thats along the same lines I was thinking. If anything, this site has taught me that woman want a strong, stable, cool, relaxed, positive man. Not a basket case who is dropping emotional bombs onto her. I guess I was just looking for confirmation of what already kinda knew.

Thanks Nino

 

[Estate]

I can only sum this up by saying NO!

Girls want fun and excitement... infact everyone does. Nobody wants to hear others problems and moaning. Don't use this in any way. Be POSITIVE.

I can tell you right off there is a girl I dated about a year ago. We are still friends and I know she's still into me as she's always asking to "hang out".
She's a really pretty girl and nice when she wants to be but you know what just stood out about her from day one.... her negativity... she just bitches and moans about EVERYTHING.
Even log into facebook every day and there's a status update bitching about her job or someone she met or saw or whatever...

Also... I've said it before... I'm Irish...
As much as we have a reputation for being friendly drunks we are also world class moaners. One thing I noticed when I moved to the States was how I even just responded to single questions.
Like... "How are you today?"
People here will say "Great thanks, it's so nice out! How about you?"
I would just say something like "Eh not bad thanks"

I know it's a subtle difference but people noticed when I changed how I responded. Even though to me, saying "Not bad" means "Good", it comes across like I'm just saying "Eh, ok, could be better"
When I meet other Irish people now it strikes me straight away... the negativity... we don't even mean it but we just chat and banter about people and stupid things we see or encounter but it's SO noticable and it's kindof a turn off for me now.

 

[Richard]

I disagree a little bit with the previous responses, I DO agree that you shouldn't make your personal problems known, you should never outright tell a girl about your problems. However! If we all remember the Byronic man! The great guy with good and bad balance, if you can play the Byronic card, you could mention your problems in passing, no outright telling, but you could bait her into asking about your problems, and from there, the girls natural "save him" role will come about and she will find more interest in you especially if you show that it doesn't bother you all that much. Read up a bit on the Byronic man and you'll see what I'm talking about

 

[Estate]

The reason I would disagree with Zphix is that only girls addicted to drama will want to "save you".
Normal girls dont want to be saved or to save you, they want you to be NORMAL.

What I feel you're getting at is that it's good to be unpredictable and have an edge to counter your regular "good" side. To an extend yeah, it can be attractive if done right but when I hear a guy (especially early on) and he's telling girls about his "problems" and "demons" and all sorts (not saying the OP is that bad, I don't know)...
.. but we all have problem, the point is you're a man, deal with it. The better girls out there don't want to be an emotional cushion.

I can attest to this with a female friend of mine about 3 weeks ago. When we were out drinking she asked me "How do you respond when someone say's their parent is ill?".
Turns out she met this "really nice guy" a few weeks before and had a lot of fun with him but it appears after a few dates and no sex, she probably lost some interest with him being overly nice... so he totally switched it up and is now texting her some really dark stuff, and looking for the sympathy card, she showed me the text convo. You ca see what the guy is doing, total manipulation.... white knight to dark knight if you will...

Vulnerability is a tricky subject. To me it means speaking your mind and doing what's right even if it appears to hurt your cause.
Dishing about problems and so forth, I really don't think attracts the right kinda girl.

 

[Richard]

But this is why I said not outright stating it, don't tell a girl your dark story, or your dark history. But from my personal experience, when you play the Byronic card, but only if you know how to play it, the vulnerability it exposes is often reciprocated greatly! But like I said, this is from my own experience. Aside from that however, most women like drama, women love gossip, complicated men, and COMPLICATED SITUATIONS. When you come across as a man who is confident, yet not lacking with a few problems (arrogance, family drama, whatever it may be), you're almost always going to be considered more sexy than a man of equal sexiness without the problems...

 

[Estate]

I just find it hard to agree.

This crosses into the realm of manipulation. The PUA community at large would agree with you and not me but this is where the community gets a bad rep.
No doubt there ar girls addicted to drama but "most" is a stretch and if you do meet these women, they are not the women we really want.

I just don't want to OP lead astray here. This place is not just about pickup but becoming a better man. We all have issues in our lives, lord knows I'm no exception but being a better man means you learn how to deal with them so that they are not such an impact on your life and the women in it are not playing a white knight to you.

If you have to fall back on such tactics just to get girls who are into this stuff, they need to look elsewhere in your game for improvement.

 

[nino]

I do agree that drama can be an exciting emotional roller coaster ride for a woman but I don't believe that dumping one's emotional load onto her will create much of a worthy experience. First of all, it creates pure negativity only and secondly she isn't involved. Would you rather watch someone ride that roller coaster, or do it together with him?

 

[Richard]

Estate, I know where you're coming from and maybe I need to explain a little bit more. Which is going to sound better to you?
A man who is acting confident and sexy but inside knows he's dealing with problems, so you take his confidence at face value. That's good and fine, now however!
A man dealing with the same problems who mentions his flaws in passing, and continues to show his sexiness and confidence despite his problems?

 

[Good Vibes]

Interesting debate between you to Zphix and Estate. The key here is sympathy. If you unload your problems to a girl wanting sympathy you will lose her attraction, however if you have troubling life events at the forefront of your mind she will sense it, so you would be better off mentioning it to her breifly to put her at ease but end it with something like "anyway that's what's challenging me lately and I will find a solution for it soon" and then change subject.

So andrewzx I hope this helps.

 

[Richard]

Thanks GV, when I said you mention it in passing, what you said, the "anyway that's what's challenging me..." that's what I was getting at, and I thank you for your specific example.