Picking Up Indian Girls

[Niraj]

Hi ,

Thanks Chase and all the crew for rejuvenating my life, man! I am an avid reader of your blog and I am really enlightened by all that you people write and present regarding mindset,women and socializing.

This is not my first post here though. I have been into a girl and I must admit I was obsessed in her. I learned out of your guidance and she is out of my life now.Its hard to digest this thing now for me .Even though I dont think much about her (actually I have found ways to counter her thoughts and still struggling to live). As Chase suggests , its a scarcity mentality thats bogging me. I get it and I have learnt to believe in abundance.

One more thing that lead to me failure is my poor skillset with women. You present a new 10-day assignment for beginner .I read through all the tasks but there are certain things I should ask you before:
I live in India. What is your thinking about girls in a conservative society like india ? Its still a patriarchal society though even if I find indian girls liberating and freeing them out of social bondages in big cities actually.What do you think is the mindset of a Indian girl because of patriarchal society?
My work life is not fulfilling though and I am not currently successfully financially and I find I need to work hard to earn more and build myself technically and professionally.
I also feel I must also develop good skillset with women and pick up girls with ease and because I am introvert and shy , I believe this will remove me off my shyness and instill confidence which I do have but getting surrounded by girls and good socializers I stutter and mumble and I do not find that confidence which I have.
I believe you cannot have false pretense of confidence and only when you succeed in work and professional life that you really get to see confidence and happiness with yourself.
Now ,so I have this doubt of priority What do you think I should prioritize highly , my work or my social skill?
I am confident that I can achieve competency in my work but what distracts me is the people surrounding me,socializing,even though not picking up women but still I get women treat me lowly as I feel they sense my displeasure with myself and people.
I also read novels and found that introvert though they dont dislike extrovert but extrovert feel they dislike them which is not the case but ordinary people are ordinary . Their thinking is influenced by people around them and they judge me with no perception of me.
Relating to the Assignment that you provided,
I am in trouble where I approach girls.I have these choices:
1.In my office environment on the road where there are lots of girls walking
2.In nearby locality where there are lots of girls nearby.
3.In malls ,college campuses.

Most of the time I am in office.
I want to switch to a new company where I want many girls to hone my skill with women
This is my thinking currently , what do you think?
Shall I separate my work and picking up women places?

Thanks ,
Niraj

 

[Niraj]

Hi Chase,

To be frank with you, I dislike working for someone else. I want to create my own business and want to be self-employed. Its been 2 years now I am still chasing and pursuing and honing my technical skillset to be capable to establish my business.But I find myself in distress , I am in pursuit and I do not have single thing to show that I achieved now . I dont have work( I mean I have job but I am put on bench ,its not that I am not capable(trust me I have developed lots of confidence in training that I surely can do now anything at hand) but people perceive me through my profile I developed and I am disqualified) and I have not yet established my business. I took sabbatical leave to pursue my goal and altogether I was also working to switch to another company and be with my like-minded people(just to have a security while establishing business , cautious I do not get trapped somewhere which was also the reason that I took sabbatical leave and not leaving the company entirely)(I dont feel I am with like-minded people because they feel excited to work for the company and i find myself ashamed because all my peers with me in my college are in the company which is usual of people from my college) .
My company routine is a loop and once into loop I am in trouble now pursuing my passion ( I have always at times thought of leaving but you know that this society and family pressure does not permit you to break this loop) I was very energized going back to my company and planned to manage both things but fell short of time and energy all time. I could not continue my pursuit of things I love or want to do.
I have many things to improve upon such as Communication ,Socializing ,Women , Leadership ,Health,Business,Relationship with Family,Develop Empathy,Respect ,Trust and Belief in myself.
I read about Chase's article how to master anything.
There he emphasized on deliberate and conscious practice to gain mastery.I am putting those things into practice everyday now on.
He mentioned Analyze ,Analyze and Analyze which I am doing a lot now-a-days.I am targeting my weak spots and deliberately putting myself through uncomfortable situations. But he also mentioned that I should be in supporting environment which I find I am not. Most of the times I am in my group which dont trust me or believe in what I say .They just know me for a year now , even though I like them they feel irritated of me, i dont know what I have done ,but this has never happenned before with me with any of my friends in my life(Its only due to ,I think,that they dont understand the friend circle I had been with because they are from different field of study and average colleges,They dont understand what people from top colleges are like).I am only in this group because of a friend I relied on just to help me give an impetus to my relationship with a girl I have crush on but he just said in front of whole group I am incapable and other times he boasts of him being my wingman and helped him all times , I remembered clearly that only one time he came to converse with that girl with her one friend and he just sighs loudly "Nothing can be done of him".I guess she must have overheard this but what impression it puts on her,I quite dont know.This friend himself has a girlfriend and he is married to her in the past couple of months.I did not troubled him before that because he was excited for nearly 4 months.

Chase please help me on this , I am not able to discern him as he is over-friendly and selfish(that I find) and he makes friendship with girls in no time.I am not able to handle him because he is very confident now he has a fulfilling work,social and love life. He is of a very helping nature ,because I think I irritate a lot because of my being silent most of the times, he finds me unfazed ,so he tries to trouble me in ways like he mentions I am selfish,I have no empathy ,I dont listen to people , I assume a lot and I have rigid mental model while discussing in a group.

In those 4 months I mentioned , I approached 2-3 girl I saw everyday but I never spoke and also some other girls I knew before. I tried to say Hi, chat how are you today with those girls I already knew. These girls which I approached I deep dived them, I got to know of their professional problems and they were also excited to chat with me forward but my purpose was then to improve my skill with girls ,remove scarcity with that single girl I was obsessed with and further instill abundance in my mental model and finally approach that girl I had crush on and ask out.I even got phone number of a girl which I conversed with a lot and she told me everything about her family and her financial problems , with me just putting some of my experiences just to continue conversation.
I never called her after taking the number ,she used to go out of the way and converse with me ,stop and used to ask me whats going on.But I would let just all go normal and closes the conversation before it starts to take much of time.

I have learned to keep good body posture and now I walk slowly and confidently, I studied body language of people and always finding body language cues to discern them.I have also learnt to make good confident eye contact.

I still find myself short of words,I stutter under pressure and nervousness.I am improving on my voice ,I record voice ,listen to me and change myself.I am low on communication and low on voice pitch currently but there is also one aspect I am finding difficult to adapt to. I could not think when I try to speak louder.
Please guide me on this communication aspect.

These are what I want to know about from you:
1.How to handle and counter Overfriendly and Selfish people?
2.How to handle the group that does not believe and trust me ?
I am trying to leave company to get away from this group tho but incapable now.Being in the company If l leave this group , this good friend of mine is really going to bash me if it happens by any chance.
3.What do I tell her to this person how he has downed me through my crush chase?(Presently I do not discuss any girls matter with him and how I am improving. I am also currently disengaging and ignoring myself with girls ,he is friends with, which know me because of him and wants to be friends with me.The reason being past troubles with my crush and his hurtful flattery to make connection of me with the girl I spoke he knows actually!)
4.How do I handle my interactions and time with this group? I have other friends too who I love me to be in company with who are from my college and knows me well from college days.I spent some time with them too to remove myself from these group people. But this leaves me less time to ask out a girl for tea or evening snacks time.
5.How do I keep a balance of my aspirations to improve myself ?
6.How do I go with my business purpose ?

Thanks,
Niraj

 

[mkivtt]

First of all, I envy you, because Indian women along with Persian / Pakistani women are the best looking women on the planet.

My comments below are from a white guy point of view, although I work with Indians all day every day, and have had Indian girlfriends, and am currently dating an Indian girl again.

What is your thinking about girls in a conservative society like india ? Its still a patriarchal society though even if I find indian girls liberating and freeing them out of social bondages in big cities actually.What do you think is the mindset of a Indian girl because of patriarchal society?

You should know better than us, as you live there! As you said, in big cities, they dress more provocatively and are more liberal. But in general Indian women are very demure and quiet and will avoid being seen as a "slut" at all cost. Which means very little interaction with men, and especially not romantic interaction. In my experience, most of them do not want a stupid arranged marriage or the strict rules society confers on them, but they have very little choice in the matter. So the backwards, primitive Indian norms (made by men) are keeping the women unhappy.

Now ,so I have this doubt of priority What do you think I should prioritize highly , my work or my social skill?

Well, that's up to you too. What is more important right now? Financial success? A good job? Or a relationship with a woman. Of course, for a perfect relationship I would give up anything. But let's be honest, most relationships aren't like that. So I would say focus on your work.

Shall I separate my work and picking up women places?

It depends on how your company would view it. Do you think the women would complain to management? If so, don't do it at work. Most companies won't mind, as long as you are nice about it and don't bother women. It's much worse here in the US with political correctness - I think you can get away with pretty much anything in India. Plus the women do not have the "I am going to management and HR to complain" attitude that women in America have. So if I were you, I would definitely talk to women at work an ask them out.

Most of the times I am in my group which dont trust me or believe in what I say .They just know me for a year now , even though I like them they feel irritated of me, i dont know what I have done ,but this has never happenned before with me with any of my friends in my life(Its only due to ,I think,that they dont understand the friend circle I had been with because they are from different field of study and average colleges,They dont understand what people from top colleges are like).I am only in this group because of a friend I relied on just to help me give an impetus to my relationship with a girl I have crush on but he just said in front of whole group I am incapable and other times he boasts of him being my wingman and helped him all times , I remembered clearly that only one time he came to converse with that girl with her one friend and he just sighs loudly "Nothing can be done of him".I guess she must have overheard this but what impression it puts on her,I quite dont know

I think you should find new friends. Once people have categorized you, it's very hard to get out of it. A fresh start is much easier. I don't know you or how you behave, but I am guessing you are quiet and introvert, which means you might not have much value to add to people. Another thing I have noticed is that if you act submissively, people will not respect you, and will treat you worse just because they can.

That friend is not a friend btw, anyone who says something like that in front of other people is a jerk. Leave them and find new friends... if you have to stay, start standing up for yourself, and do not accept behavior like that.

These are what I want to know about from you:
1.How to handle and counter Overfriendly and Selfish people?
2.How to handle the group that does not believe and trust me ?
I am trying to leave company to get away from this group tho but incapable now.Being in the company If l leave this group , this good friend of mine is really going to bash me if it happens by any chance.
3.What do I tell her to this person how he has downed me through my crush chase?(Presently I do not discuss any girls matter with him and how I am improving. I am also currently disengaging and ignoring myself with girls ,he is friends with, which know me because of him and wants to be friends with me.The reason being past troubles with my crush and his hurtful flattery to make connection of me with the girl I spoke he knows actually!)
4.How do I handle my interactions and time with this group? I have other friends too who I love me to be in company with who are from my college and knows me well from college days.I spent some time with them too to remove myself from these group people. But this leaves me less time to ask out a girl for tea or evening snacks time.
5.How do I keep a balance of my aspirations to improve myself ?
6.How do I go with my business purpose ?

1. Overly friendly? Distance yourself and don't get "sucked in" to endless conversations. Selfish? Ignore them whenever possible.
2. Leave them an find new friends, or stand up for yourself.
3. Not sure what you understand. Tell her? Tell her nothing about that situation, pretend it didn't happen, and talk to her like you are the best guy on the planet. Or tell him? Yes, you can tell him... tell him he was a jerk, and not helping, and that you don't appreciate it and don't want to see him doing it again ever.
4. Leave them.... why stay if they insult you or treat you badly?
5. Up to you.... balance work and relationships, don't go overboard in either way. Focus on what is important to you and not to someone else.
6. See further up.


Good luck man. I would give anything for a beautiful Indian girl.

 

[Niraj]

Hi mkvitt,

Thanks for the reply,Appreciate it!

You said that I know better I live here. How do I know when I am no friends with any girl at a level when I could have known the stress they are in.Lots of things go on in society and we believe things that are heard lots of times,so ultimately I believed in society because my parents ingrained that into me.Mostly experiences and people around me played a part just to accept that is prevalent and norm in society.I could not have believed that I am changing into that patriarchal person until I read about things and experiences of women on Quora. I feel I could make some difference by changing myself and further improve on my conversations and connections with girls.That way I could know them better and help them better.

You mentioned that Indian girls are quiet and shy , its a result of society conditioning here actually.No girl will spill out anything until they trust you and believe you will not embarrass her after knowing that. I could not still get the trust to converse at that level with girls I know.

Being a boy , I care nothing about how to behave and carry myself in society , I acted free like many of my friends , we did anything we want to and no parent will stop you from doing and change the way you act and behave in a way you are respectful and more importantly with girls. But girls freedom is bogged down , they are pressured into acting according to what parents preach them based on the unreasonable norms in society.
Indian parents also do not show the whole reality to their children (could be due to their parents) and they do not let children make their choices and also even they are not forcing them ,they make sure the choices that are before his son/daughter are limited and desirable to them. They make sure they show a narrow path that children are going to choose definitely.

You advised me to leave group. I am trying to switch to another company and get away from this group.I already decided that, but I do not want to hurt them.

You don't know my behavior and nature too.
I am a honest,loyal,shy and not purely ambitious though but to be realistic I should only say I am certainly trying to put my foothold into.I am a funny person (there had been feed-backs from my friend and I could sense their joy and intense listening to catch my jokes and ready to burst with laughter).I am perfectionist by the way.I want to admit to you that I have in past feared my failure and not tried something.I certainly changed my thinking now and I am open for rejection and setbacks and not let them bash me badly and instead learn from it and take it as a feedback.My friends have always found me being agreeable in any situations and very helpful and supportive to them in anything they are doing,while being very quiet socially though.
While in university , I performed poorly in academics that got me to act and concentrate on me and my career , I got that selfish people are getting things on track and achieving ,there were some of my selfish friends who were excelling at university and I was failing terribly not getting close to them actually.
I tried and tried but ultimately ended up into this company I feel ashamed of and embarrassed(I postponed my joining actually , I wasn't at all interested tho).

I tried to get inspiration from my past successes ,past achievements and tried to go and do what I have always done. These selfish friends did not helped me and supported me and I could be blamed also I did not ask help in proper way but I thought after living with them for 4 years they could understand my plight and nature.

Telling about my group mates , I know that they are very unsuccessful ,they are like me from another towns working in big city and they are ignorant too as they have not studied in big city college.Their personality,their dressing ,their style ,their attire ,their likes/dislikes ,their behavior and their carelessness,their seriousness tells you they are frustrated and whiners.
Out of these group mates there is only one friend who is successful.He has his girlfriend as his wife and he is recently married(this is a rare thing in India).He has his family and home in the same city we are working . He has lived in the city from his childhood and he knows everything about the city.He is successful at the job and will be travelling soon.He has achieved everything now and ready to moving onto next big thing.He is funny,cracks joke anytime and helping, he is the kind of person you want to be with every-time and you don't feel you are passing your time worthlessly.

My judgement about him though and what I have read : He is over-friendly ,selfish and does not feel empathy or guilt. He is helping you and acting friendly and enticing you and joking with you ,flattering you just because he wants you to feel happy and unrealistic. He is very capable though and so he can bend everything at his own will , so he maintains everything in order as he wants.He makes you wait for him.

His care is unreliable though , he is one time helping and other times he is uncaring. When we have put trust on him that he will help and at the least encourage you and share with you what he knows about things he has achieved.But he never does that.I find he has lots of girls who are friends with her
and I also get he can dive deep and help them emotionally.But at such times he just jokes when a girl comes for some emotional help! and I am sure about this I know couple of occasions he did that and he will help you then when all is lost and caress you and help when situation is hopeless(this has happened recently with a girl when we could only discuss) I also find him helping me in hopeless situation though.

He let me down in my crush chase and he boasts himself being my wing-man and he tells you he has helped you professionally when his help has not changed my situation even a bit.Personal things should be kept personal and at one time he mentions to our group I am not and will be capable to handle and date my crush and what makes him so certain , I expected he should not dismiss a person so entirely ,I would have not if I was in his shoes and he would have been mine.This thing has disturbed me actually and happened before his marriage though ,2 months before actually.I dint even let him know what he has done , what he has done to me , I acted happy ,excited with him ,completely wiped out thoughts of my trouble with him and let all go happily.

To bring focus to the other group mates, I don't know how much these people have told him but he is always more interested in knowing what I am upto.
I do not share anything now.This friend helps them every-time i.e helping them with things they should have done themselves. I think this cripples people for that moment and rest of the life .This is the time they should improve upon those things and they rely upon this person for all those things and they never learn. That's why I pity them and could not even help them coz they don't believe me and instead find me deceptive and so it in turn comes right into my face eventually. So I do'n't bother to help them in any way and instead I am told by this friend when I do things by myself that I am selfish and I don't care about people sitting around.

To tell you of a friend among these group mates , the most narrow minded ,big mouth person and bullying kind of guy I have seen in my life , who is unfortunately my flat mate , I have cut him entirely out of my life coz he humiliates you badly and reminds you of your negative self. Its been 2 months I haven't spoken with him and I ignored him completely and because I know he acts 'TIT for TAT' with someone who acts this way , I am finally happy!!

This has been the story up-til now . I want to move out of this daily troubles and pursue my ambitions somewhere where they can be fulfilled. But I feel that I want to learn everything from the things that happened and let these things never resurface again in my life.
I want to get back to my former self where I was excited to do and try new things and so confident that I excelled at them.I want to get back my confidence I lost in the process and I want to live once again positively and start being optimistic clearing up all these things.

Thanks,
Niraj