Long-Term Pivot point in a relationship

[Parkour]

LTR - 12 years. I'm conflicted:
i wish my gf was fitter. I wish my gf was more sexually seductive with me.
I love her like family and she's a good force in my life.
I'm painfully conflicted. The thought of staying without something to spike my attraction depresses me.
The thought of breaking up terrifies me although I have thought it would be interesting/fun to be single at this point in my life.
I feel like I would regret breaking up and regret staying together.
She's in her mid 30s and my indecision is putting pressure on her clock causing more guilt for me.
I read GC because I anticipate being single and in general because the authors are incredible at helping me understand what is going on with women's dynamics.
But I wouldn't mind it working out though. I'd just rather it come from a place of asserting what I want in life rather than default out of fear or guilt. And I've told her it was weight a few times but I can't bring it very often because it doesn't help it just makes me feel like an a-hole. If you can relate or have advice on how to reconcile this by either inspiring her to change or making a break up as respectful and painless as possible please chime in.
Your sage advice is always appreciated!

 

[Drck]

I have no answer bro, it is difficult. Generally speaking, it will have to be your decision. If you'll keep it conflicted, e.g. 50-50, you will only drag her with you, chances are very high that she will not leave on her own... By dragging it you will not make anyone happy...

If you are thinking about breaking up, you are already breaking up... It bothers you, and it won't go away... If nothing happens, next year this time you will be thinking the same...

Don't drag it to the future, either way you decide you can work on improving your assertiveness. For example, you can create some rational plan for the next couple of months and than follow it, maybe something like this:

1. Start hinting that you are not happy
2. Find out her thoughts and feelings
3. Get ready to deal with the guilt and potential drama
4. Assertively come to conclusion to:
(A) Stay with her
(B) Leave

1. Start hinting that you are not happy
You can be open and direct or just hint. Maybe you can start talking about how people (in general) grow apart from each other... Next time you talk about how people used to feel towards each other but then it only became casual relationship, with no feelings... Another time you start talking about divorces (of other people), how frequent they are, perhaps what is the point of monogamous relationships, why people stay in relationship if they are not happy...

Just mention it couple of times and she will get the hint very fast, because she knows that if you are talking about it it is on your mind... She might get it the very first time you start talking about it, you will see it in her face that she got it... She will know that it bothers you...

2. Find out her thoughts and feelings
She will then tell you her opinion, which will basically be her feelings... Depending on her personality, she might give you an opportunity to leave, she could even create that opportunity. Again, it will be only your choice, chances are high that she won't do it herself... Or, she might start doing things to keep you, start working hard on the relationship... Be ready for both outcomes...

3. Get ready to deal with the guilt and potential drama
Her feelings... You are a guy, you can walk away with some regrets, but you can find many other girls, you can change your life fairly easily... She is in different position, she is mid 30's, she is looking to settle down, have family and kids... Unlike you, she is pressured by biological clock, she knows that with each year her chances to find a good provider are less and less... The potential break up might be hurtful, especially for her

So the decision might be quite painful, but it is less painful than hanging around with conflicted 50-50 mind... This way you are only dragging it into the future, and you are not making anyone happy... You are simply chosing the lesser evil... So there might be some guilt, some blaming and drama... Make some plan how to deal with it...

4. Assertively come to conclusion to (A) Stay with her
Ok, so stay. Tell her or hint her what you expect from her. She needs to know that you expect her to be more sexual, and she needs to work on it. Start pushing it, that is what makes you happy, that is what you want. You should get what you want, she should know what makes you happy and what not, what works for you and what not.... She needs to learn to do things to make you happy in order for you to stay around... Also work on the overall relationship. Don't just sit home, do trips, travel, join some clubs... Some change is needed... Even do some relationship counseling to find out what works in good relationships and what not, there are always lots of things to learn...

4. Assertively come to conclusion to (B) Leave
Ok, leave then. You don't have to leave like an asshole. You can do it slower and over longer period of time to minimize the emotional damage, sort of cool it off... Start emphasizing that things are not working out between you two... Avoid negativity, don't damage her self esteem, make her feel good about herself while you are leaving anyway... See if you can split in more friendly way, when things are simply not working out for neither of you... Don't buy her a great romantic dinner, and at the end tell her her that you are leaving, that is horrible... Avoid being passive-aggressive, e.g. don't play Beta-bitch till she gets fed up with you and leaves on her own, avoid pushing the guilt back upon her... Simply cool it off emotionally, minimize drama, remain friendly and carrying while walking away...

 

[Parkour]

Thank you Drck, there is quite a bit here to think about.

 

[Fuck This]

Drck,

Well Written. Couldn't have said it any better myself.
I made the choice to end a 20 year relationship. What you said about:

If you are thinking about breaking up, you are already breaking up... It bothers you, and it won't go away... If nothing happens, next year this time you will be thinking the same...

is so true. My pivot point was asking myself if I could put up with 20 more years of the same....My answer to myself was NO.

When I broke it to her, I knew it was the right decision when she replied "I would have left you so many times years ago but I didn't have anywhere to go". And yet she continued down the path we were on and didn't improve her situation to allow her to have an alternative to being unhappy with me.

Basically it took me another 5 years to make the decision, and it is going to cost me quite a bit in alimony and child support. At this point I'm feeling like the $ cost will be worth it.

What made me hit that pivot? When I realized I felt more LOVE from my friends I socialized with, than at home. Also when I realized that people could and do love each other more intensely and that I was capable of being loved.

So my next LTR I'm going to make it clear that we are together because we both want to be and she is going to be independent enough that she could walk away at any time.