Please help me before I kill myself

[Cacc]

I need to get away from the people I live with right now and I don't know how. Been job searching and everything is experience and looks like no one wants to give me a chance. I can't find a damn job.

I'm desperate right now. My angry moments have been steadily climbing, it only happens at home. I've been completely shut out and othered. I barely get enough food to eat.

It's very clear that something is going on with me but my words and actions aren't getting through. Everyone's just trying to pass on the blame. Something bad will happen with me and no one recognizes the signs that I'm screaming for help.

All I'm saying is my situation is getting to me mentally and I'm fucked up. My emotions are now getting the better of me and I need to escape this. It wasn't like this before.

I want to kill myself because I feel like I will hurt or kill someone if I don't get away from these people.

These problems culminated at home and only happen there.

I feel like the reason I'm always punching and breaking things is because no one understands me. The only way I can show my frustration is by breaking.

I also don't have anyone to talk to. Which makes it hard.

 

[Alchemist]

1. Understand Your Situation and Get Your Thoughts in Order
   Watch this video, it's only 5 minutes long, it's better than some mindless TV show or scrolling through Facebook. It's understandable that you're feeling so awful in such a toxic environment. If you resonate with Jordan Peterson, you can look at his other videos on YouTube. He will guide you to sort your shit out and how you should confront your fears and get away from your family.
   
   Sit down and write out the things that are in your control and those that are not. This is stoic philosophy 101:
   

   "Some things are in our control and others not. Things in our control are opinion, pursuit, desire, aversion, and, in a word, whatever are our own actions. Things not in our control are body, property, reputation, command, and, in one word, whatever are not our own actions."

   You won't be able to control your family, but you are in control of not listening to them.
   
   
2. Do Everything You Can to Generate Income
   

   Been job searching and everything is experience and looks like no one wants to give me a chance. I can't find a damn job.

   You are in control of sending out new resumes, learning skills online, going to local networking events from places like meetup.com and making new contacts. You can download books and watch videos on an endless amount of skills online.
   
   Here are two thread from Chase to get you started, these are god damn golden advice:
   
   How Can I Make Money Right Now? (Short Term)
   
   What Career, Trade, or Skill Should I Pursue? (Long Term)
   
   
3. Manage Your Mental Health
   Read these articles and apply the exercises that are contained in them, re-read them regularly to cement them in your head:
   How to Overcome Depression
   
   Anxiety in Men: Where It Comes From and How to Stop It
   
   How Victim Mentality Can Stifle Your Life – and Luck with Women
   
   Dealing with Troubled Past Memories
   
   
4. Move Out
   Obviously, be smart about this. Living with shitty people is almost always better than being homeless and out in the elements.
   
   Do you have any friends that you can share rent with?
   
   Do you have any normal relatives that you can stay at?
   
   Once you have regular income that is enough to feed yourself and put a roof over your head, research the shit out of your housing market and find a house to rent. The information is out there. Read about neighborhoods and online rental agencies, compare prices, talk to people, the things you need to sign a contract, deposits et cetera.

 

[Drck]

Hey Cacc, I would strongly suggest that you stop reading online help and go see a professional, even regular family physician, or walk to ER if you have to. You need one to one evaluation from responsible person, not online discussions from strangers.

 

[Regal Tiger]

Definitely second what Alchemist said.

But in addition to that I would like to also recommend finding a way to vent your emotions. For me, writing was always a good way to do it. Doesn't mean that you have to even show anyone else, I didn't for a while. And when I did first show people it was on an anonymous forum and they did show support, it helped. Reading it and knowing that I survived was also a kind of emotional release for me as well. It could be the same for you?

Other possible ways; find a creative hobby to pursue.
I can't think of too many, but some options:
1) drawing/painting
2) music
3) photography
4) possibly even dancing or something like that, that allows some kind of self-expression


Exercise; exercise definitely helps as well as getting you out of the house where you're unhappy. This can also potentially fill you with a sense of independence.

Hiking in nature has a dual role in helping in that the exercise itself helps and also studies show that just being out in nature itself is soothing.

Some people find meditation helpful, but I personally never have but different strokes.


Reading your post though gives me the impression that you would benefit most from some kind of martial art. Something that allows you to vent your frustrations, anger and even vent a level of controlled violence. Learning how to fight I think would be great for you. It could give you back some control over your life.


Lastly; people in this community really do stick up for one another. So keep us updated, keep coming back here and talking to people. I noticed that people were/are very supportive of me while I'm going through my own crap still yet.

 

[Hector Papi Castillo]

Go see a therapist. Now. Please.

Hector

 

[Cacc]

What I feel I need, is responsibilities like paying for gas, food, and rent. I don't have any responsibilities which is why I feel so not in control.

The first step is to get a job so I can have some control over my life with the income and move out and be dependent on myself, this will make me happy. I'm trying, but I haven't landed a job yet.

Thank you for the advice. I don't have anyone to talk to, which is why I spew so much info on these boards.