Ok to begin, I have been with my girlfriend for a year and some change. We have been both attracted to each other's personalities and physical bodies (she always wants to have sex and I deliver), we don't fight as often as other couples since I would consider the both of us to be intelligent and having a good degree of self control (except for her occassional emotional outbursts and irrational anger over something small) or maturity. The problem is that we are two different people. By two different people I mean we have very little in common hobby/interest-wise. To paint a more vivid picture she is a legal assistant about to get an AS from her community college. I am a biology major working towards a BA and interested in zoology, so the outdoors is a big part of my life (problem for her when it comes to getting dirty or handling animals). She loves the gym, yoga, and crossfit. She lives for it actually (problem for me since I haven't been hitting the gym because I am either lazy or too bogged down with school and kind of see it as a chore). I am a military veteran so I was forced to do alot of that in previous years as it was. I think you can finally start seeing where I am coming from here as to how we have different interests/mindsets. She likes her small group of friends, I can't turn down parties and opportunities to network and be social with people. She sees the parties I choose to attend as being immature despite a large number of people in the ones I go to being close to or are her age (we are 3 years apart). She likes trending topics and pop culture whereas I enjoy my alternative and vintage styles of music and whatever else. The problem is not that I have been ignoring her, or that we have stopped having sex, because we still do hang out with each other whenever we can. She brought to my attention that the fact we aren't on the same page is really bothering her. She feels like I have no interest in doing what she wants to do and if I force myself to do them for her it still wouldn't make things better. She admitted she started feeling that way when I got too drunk at this one house party and became a barfy mess that had to be babysat. I can tell from her body language she doesn't always enjoy the things she agrees to come with me to. It has always been a novelty to us and our friends that some punk rocker managed to date a woman who has all her shit together and stays traditionally feminine. I am coming here because I am looking for advice or some help I can turn to before we have to choose the ugly route of just agreeing to end the relationship because we are too different. Has anyone been through this scenario? If you handled it without parting separate ways how did you do it? Any help would be appreciated. Thanks!
Long-Term polar opposites and the dreaded 2 year drop
- Thread starter Andres
- Start date
- Joined
- Nov 14, 2012
- Messages
- 3,637
Andres,
This is a tough one because I am definitely not a believer in "opposites attract." Every girl that has gone on to become something more than a lover in my life has had a great deal of things in common with me; even if it wasn't actual interests, it was at least our sense of humor or the way we vibed when we were together. If you two don't have much in common, then it starts to feel pretty much like an extended sexual relationship where you force each other to participate in things that each of you don't want to participate in.
What she's saying is probably true, to be honest. The only reason one of you should change your ways is if one of you personally feels like they want to change. At this point, it sounds like neither of you really do. It sounds like you want to continue doing your outdoor activities and going to parties and it sounds like she wants to continue her life with her small group of friends. If one of you bends to the other, then it's only going to lead to one of you being unhappy. And that's not how you want your relationship to be (with one of you "kind of" happy and the other one unhappy).
I think you need to weigh your options here and decide whether or not this is a girl you actually want to be in a long-term relationship with. This isn't a matter of "saving the relationship" but more of a matter of "are the two of us going to continue being happy in a long term relationship like this?" It sounds like the girl really does care about you, so I don't think that's an issue, but she might be unhappy having a future with you with the way your life currently is. You have to decide if it's something you want to change or if you just need the freedom again.
Ending the relationship because you are too different really isn't that ugly. It would get ugly, however, if the relationship had to end with her getting so frustrated with you that she can't take it anymore. So that's just something to think about.
- Franco
This is a tough one because I am definitely not a believer in "opposites attract." Every girl that has gone on to become something more than a lover in my life has had a great deal of things in common with me; even if it wasn't actual interests, it was at least our sense of humor or the way we vibed when we were together. If you two don't have much in common, then it starts to feel pretty much like an extended sexual relationship where you force each other to participate in things that each of you don't want to participate in.
What she's saying is probably true, to be honest. The only reason one of you should change your ways is if one of you personally feels like they want to change. At this point, it sounds like neither of you really do. It sounds like you want to continue doing your outdoor activities and going to parties and it sounds like she wants to continue her life with her small group of friends. If one of you bends to the other, then it's only going to lead to one of you being unhappy. And that's not how you want your relationship to be (with one of you "kind of" happy and the other one unhappy).
I think you need to weigh your options here and decide whether or not this is a girl you actually want to be in a long-term relationship with. This isn't a matter of "saving the relationship" but more of a matter of "are the two of us going to continue being happy in a long term relationship like this?" It sounds like the girl really does care about you, so I don't think that's an issue, but she might be unhappy having a future with you with the way your life currently is. You have to decide if it's something you want to change or if you just need the freedom again.
Ending the relationship because you are too different really isn't that ugly. It would get ugly, however, if the relationship had to end with her getting so frustrated with you that she can't take it anymore. So that's just something to think about.
- Franco
Thank you for your input. I tried talking to friends who have been in long term relationships that have experienced something similar. One in particular told me they just kept fighting until they both caved in and grew accustomed to the habits and mannerisms of the other. As of now my girlfriend still tells me she loves me but is still unhappy. Its reached a point where she even turns down her own friends when they invite her out. She now prefers to stay home and watch tv or go to the gym/yoga and not much else. I am wondering if she is experiencing some kind of quarter-life crisis where life seems unfulfilling and has her depressed. I remember going through something similar myself a few years ago. I just know that if I were to become single again, the whole single life of spending money and going out and picking up women and going through the motions of making one fall in love seems like a bit of a chore. At the same time the thought of jerking it on those nights I don't get laid also sounds unappealing to me. Landing a new girl would mean I once again gotta make sure its one my parents won't give me trouble for since I am still stuck living with them because I am a full-time student at a university. When I move out I can be a little more accepting towards the more alternative looking ones (piercings, tattoos). I look at the girls at school and sometimes I am mad at myself that I picked the worst timing to get a girlfriend (my first semester of university). I do know however, that things will happen faster with a girl in the future since this site has taught me well and I can confirm the techniques taught here are effective. Sometimes I wonder to myself if I am still dragging this out for convenience rather than happiness. Many thanks Franco, you have put some things into perspective for me.