Potential Rebounds???

[Sly]

Through experience, I think it's very beneficial to have women in your rearview mirror during a relationship. I was in a three year relationship, during which I really isolated myself from maintaing and creating new relationships with other women. Once we broke up I had no potential options and wished I had maintained relationships I had with women BEFORE my long-term relationship. The before part is key to me.

I do not think it is legitimate for a women to expect you to drop all your female friends once you start dating, which is what my ex girlfriend believed was fair. That being said I believe there is a fine line regarding establishing new relationships with the opposite sex, if in fact you are in a serious relationship. One should expect to be able to continue old friendships with women when in a relationship, as you had a connection to that women before your gf. These women could potentially end up being your rebound once you break up. However, I do believe there is an issue with either partner creating new strong emotional bonds to someone of the other sex while in a relationship.Depending on the level of seriousness of one's relationship, I think this is the case.

Here's two examples:
1) Your gf of one year has been great friends with a guy for a 3 years now. You know the guy, hes attractive and cool. She comes home and tells you she had a great conversation with him? Hows that make you feel?

2) Your gf of one year comes home and tells you she met this great guy who was both good looking and cool. She shared a great conversation with him and she plans on keeping in touch. Is there anything wrong with that situation? Would you be mad?

Personally, I think the two situations are very different, although they share so many similar details. In example one, if your gf has a strong relationship with a man before your relationship, I think it's only fair to trust her that their relationship is just a friendship and she is with YOU and not him for a reason. Confidence is attractive, while being insecure is not.

On the other hand, if she was to go out and connect with a new man who she clearly thought was great , I'd probably have an issue with that. I am not one to be insecure, but I am one to be realistic. In my last relationship I trusted my gf, which was necessary. I had no issue with her maintaining friendships with her old male friends and even creating new ones. After she cheated on me, I thought long and hard about it. If you are in a relationship and your gf needs to go elsewhere to feel satisfied emotionally, then you have an issue in your relationship! She should be coming to you for all her emotional and physical needs! If she is going elsewhere, there is a good chance your relationship is going to fail and potentially your gf will cheat.

That being said, my ex ended up cheating on me with a guy she was friends with previously to our relationship. JOKES ON ME. So now I wonder what is the best approach with having friends of the opposite sex while in a committed relationship? What are your thoughts on maintaining old friendships and creating new?

As well, how do you all feel about keeping women around for the purpose of a potential rebound from your breakup, while in a relationship?

Chase and Franco any insight?

SLY

 

[Chase]

Sly-

Thoughts on this:

That being said, my ex ended up cheating on me with a guy she was friends with previously to our relationship. JOKES ON ME. So now I wonder what is the best approach with having friends of the opposite sex while in a committed relationship? What are your thoughts on maintaining old friendships and creating new?

This is fairly common for relationships that pass the 2-year mark without moving to marriage or pregnancy. Unless she feels emotionless towards you, she's usually not able to make the call herself on definitely ending things, but she's at loggerheads trying to get you to move them forward to what she needs, so she fights/cheats to force change in the relationship - you're forced to either break up with her, or give her what she wants so she stops behaving badly. Either way, the decision is made, and she can get on with moving on with her life.

On maintaining opposite sex friendships: the kind of women I date usually have a lot of men courting them / pursuing them when I first get together with them, and they allow these men to continue wining and dining them through the first few months of our relationship, but gradually drop these guys from their lives. Occasionally they'll meet new men who come on strong, but they just use these guys for a little text message flirting and then stop talking to them.

Generally, even if she's highly social, she'll pare her social connections down - especially her male social connections - once she's in a relationship with you if she gets strong feelings towards you. There are SOME women who won't do this... but most will. You can almost gauge a woman's interest in you by how social she is with men outside your relationship - the stronger her interest in you, the less time she has for other men.

There are some women who maintain fairly large "going out" social circles of male and female friends they see regularly no matter how deep into a relationship they are. I don't date women like this - I view them as too unstable (this is usually a form of insecurity and an inability to fully commit to a relationship), and often they aren't quite independent / ambitious enough for my tastes and need the comfort of others. If you were to date a girl like this though, I think you'd need to simply accept the risks - this goes with the territory. If she's going to be routinely putting herself around other men, either in one-on-one scenarios or in group / party scenarios, she's keeping the door open.

There's normally an "options arc" in relationships, where when the relationship is still new and uncertain women will continue dating other men and keeping their options open, then as the relationship progresses and they get stronger feelings for you and become more certain they want to be with you, they pare their options down more and more until they completely or almost completely stop spending time with other men.

But as you approach the 2-year drop and progress doesn't seem to be happening in the relationship, the girl begins to cultivate her options again... normally I encourage this, actually, because it provides an easier transition out of the relationship. My feeling is, if she wants to start hedging her bets and preparing to jump ship, and you can't or are not going to meet her progress needs, it's good to let her ease her way out without making life difficult for her.

(And when she's on her way out, you usually won't hear about the guys she's really interested in, anyway... you'll only hear about the ones she doesn't especially care for)

As well, how do you all feel about keeping women around for the purpose of a potential rebound from your breakup, while in a relationship?

Chase and Franco any insight?

I find you can drop off the map for a bit and resurface and girls from your past are thrilled to hear from you again. I don't find it to be worth spending a lot of time on female friends just to keep them as backup options.

But then again, I usually prefer picking up something new to pursuing something old, so that may just be a matter of preference. In my mind, there's no more fulfilling way to rebound than going out, hitting the bar, and bringing some tight-bodied girl back home with you to keep the neighbors up with and celebrate your renewed singledom.

Chase