Problems with Retaining

[Laitcl]

Forums,

I am currently dealing with a difficult problem where a girl that I've had sex with doesn't want to commit; I have a problem of retaining her.

I have no problems with keeping the relationship as a friends with benefits with regular sex (once a week), but the counter offer is that she wants to have sex whenever she wants, and that's definitely not okay with me. It would appear to me that she has power over this dynamic because despite sex being great (I have confidence in my skills; she and other women I sleep with also tend to act consistent with this), she only wants it when she wants it.

Background:
- I've had a history of having sex with this girl; it never became an official relationship
- Her reason for not dating is because I'm too old for her (24 and 18)
- She dated somebody for two months; in this period we did not have sex; after the end of her relationship though, we did get back to having sex (I am concerned that I've become the losers bracket that she uses for sex when she's bored)
- We share a mutual social circle, but she only comes in and out occasionally, whereas I am a core member of the circle.

I am aware that women set these rules up but will end up breaking them under the right circumstances. I think the problem is that I haven't made her desperate enough for me to make that decision, but seeing that she's dated somebody (and likely has access to more people), I am not exactly sure how to manipulate her into feeling this desperation.

Side Note: I am in a sexual relationship with another girl in this mutual social circle. It is possible for me to show intimacy with her in the presence of the less attainable girl to get her desperate and gain control of the dynamic.

What are everybody's thoughts on the situation? What are some things I could try to retain this person? I understand that a scarcity mentality (one special person) isn't healthy for getting this person into a consistent sexual relationship with me, but at the same time, I've slept with 5-6 girls over the two month period that I wasn't having sex with this girl, and I really don't get as satisfied. Perhaps I need to upgrade the quality of the girls in my pool of sexual partners, but I think there is merit in working towards both goals at the same time. Thanks in advance for your help.

 

[Smurf]

Laitcl,

Welcome to the boards! This sounds like a good problem to have.

What you want is a girl that's down to have sex on your schedule, right? And that perhaps you're feeling as if the value is imbalanced in her direction? I think there's a few ways to handle it, depending on what route you want to go.

Since they're both in your social circle, I'd try and leave that jealousy outline alone if at all possible. Try and maintain a position of a guy who doesn't kiss and tell. Another option would be to keep building your circle of fuck buddies, and start to draw away from her. If you create more options for yourself, you would end up fucking more girls and simultaneously probably build her jealousy as a by product of you having more abundance. This is probably what I'd do in the situation.

Two side notes I'd like to add are don't always have sex when she wants to, and don't wait on girls even if you've already shagged. This makes her think she's the only one, which is why it would be good to bring other girls into your life to naturally make these tiny things that affect your value go away on their own.

Let me know if that helps!

Jake.

 

[Laitcl]

Laitcl,

Welcome to the boards! This sounds like a good problem to have.

What you want is a girl that's down to have sex on your schedule, right? And that perhaps you're feeling as if the value is imbalanced in her direction? I think there's a few ways to handle it, depending on what route you want to go.

Since they're both in your social circle, I'd try and leave that jealousy outline alone if at all possible. Try and maintain a position of a guy who doesn't kiss and tell. Another option would be to keep building your circle of fuck buddies, and start to draw away from her. If you create more options for yourself, you would end up fucking more girls and simultaneously probably build her jealousy as a by product of you having more abundance. This is probably what I'd do in the situation.

Two side notes I'd like to add are don't always have sex when she wants to, and don't wait on girls even if you've already shagged. This makes her think she's the only one, which is why it would be good to bring other girls into your life to naturally make these tiny things that affect your value go away on their own.

Let me know if that helps!

Jake.

Jake,

What you've said makes sense, but it raises a few questions (as to be expceted).

1. What you've suggested, building a circle of fuck buddies and drawing away from her, is basically what I've been doing. The problem is that over the last couple of months she's been paying very minimal attention to me, and I expect that to be the case for near future. Steps that I have taken are taking pictures with many women on social media, and actually having sex with many people. If she doesn't look, she won't notice, and if she stays ignorant about this, she will keep thinking I am the guy that she left in the dust (it's obviously not that simple, but she doesn't see it that way).

2. About your note on don't always have sex when she wants to; how should I control this? Obviously if she asks for it while I'm busy seeing somebody I'd say no, but she doesn't ask for it a lot. I just slept with her, but this interaction only occurs when I initiate it; she rarely asks for sex, she waits for me to ask for it; there's not a moment that I can say no to her, there are only times where I can not look for her to have sex with me, and again, I'm sure that registers as something else to her.

3. I'm reasonably familiar with the posts on Girls Chase. There are some that suggest that maybe this is a lack of boyfriend value (but full of lover value). Is there something I should do to push this agenda?

 

[Smurf]

Gonna ask some questions to flesh this out a bit more and also respond with what I have.

Do you want more from this girl specifically? It sounds like you have a decent amount of options, but this girl might be more "special" if you will. So addressing your first question it sounds like this girl might be a cut above the rest in terms of overall value with the other girls.

As for your second question, it sounds like she's either a really chill girl who only needs seldom sex from you and doesn't mind not getting it, possibly becase she see's you as "hot but nothing special" or is playing the long con, gaming you by subtly bringing her value up on you by withholding her desire. I'm not sure which it is, if you think you could figure out which one it is that would help flesh out what the next course of action could be.

If you feel you lack boyfriend value, you could present a few traits slowly when you guys hang out, maybe being a bit more real with her when you're talking, talk about your plans with your life, essentially bring more future oriented thinking than present-minded hedonism.

Does that clarify a bit more?

Jake.

 

[Mr.Rob]

Laitcl,

It sounds like what she is more interested in is casual sex, and I do think you are probably correct in this assumption:

She dated somebody for two months; in this period we did not have sex; after the end of her relationship though, we did get back to having sex (I am concerned that I've become the losers bracket that she uses for sex when she's bored)

Probably isn't a great foundation to operate from going forward with a relationship since she chose someone over you.

I am aware that women set these rules up but will end up breaking them under the right circumstances. I think the problem is that I haven't made her desperate enough for me to make that decision, but seeing that she's dated somebody (and likely has access to more people), I am not exactly sure how to manipulate her into feeling this desperation.

You shouldn't have to manipulate or convince a girl to commit to you. Even if you are successful chances are good she'll resent you for it and the relationship likely won't last.

Being a bit narcissistic myself I have to be conscious and aware I'm not only thinking about myself but of what the other person genuinely wants and what her desires are (i.e. maybe she just wants to be single and have casual sex). It is unwise to plan how someone else's life should look like or be without first knowing and understanding what they want out of life first (I've tried).

Also I know your new to GC but I believe Chase typically advises in most situations that the girl be the one proposing commitment and chasing the relationship and not vice versa as it makes for a much stronger relationship frame.

Lastly the girls 18 years old, let her roam and be free like all the other curious 18 year olds her age. Keep giving her good sex on your terms and make sure you don't chase her or get too attached and she might reevaluate and chase after a relationship with you after all. I don't think there's much to be done to get her otherwise.

-Rob

 

[Laitcl]

Rob,

You're right, I think I've made the faulty assumption that sex would cause her to evoke strong emotions. It really didn't. I think I want to drop this, but I do want to re-evaluate what's gone wrong.

After an entire summer of sex without her looking for commitment, she meets a person and immediately feels the need to commit. What could I have done better there (or have done wrong?); do you think the problem there is that I could offer nothing but sex?

 

[Mr.Rob]

I agree with your evaluation and next steps. Keep the door open for her but don't bet any money on this girl.

After an entire summer of sex without her looking for commitment, she meets a person and immediately feels the need to commit. What could I have done better there (or have done wrong?); do you think the problem there is that I could offer nothing but sex?

There could have been an element of her seeing you more as a lover than as having any provider value to offer (i.e. you didn't show her you had any provider value). Hard to tell without knowing you or the situation better.

I guess better sex, setting better/stronger expectations up front, building a better emotional connection, or getting more investment from her could've swayed the odds in your favor more? (dunno maybe you handled all that spectacularly nonetheless idk).

On the other hand maybe what you had to offer just wasn't what she was interested in at the time (but put a different girl in the same situation and she would've thought you were the best thing since sliced bread and pushed for a relationship).

I recently went through a similar situation. I'll link you to Chase's article on converting girls from ONS to consistent sex (obviously your situation was converting consistent sex to having her commit to you but I think the article applies nonetheless with regards to "what she's looking for"). Sometimes its more her than you.
https://www.girlschase.com/content/how-convert-one-time-sex-regular-sex

You know the situation better than me. What do you think you could've done better/did wrong?

Either way man I think your heads in the right place, your gonna go meet some new girls, probably a better girl, and do a better job getting her to commit to being on Laitcl's team. Make sure to post the lay report when you seduce said girl.

Cheers man,

-Rob