Qusetion for the more "advanced" members on the forum

[Thedoctor]

I have a problem that sometimes arises when on introductory dates. Even though I generally succeed in keeping the conversation mainly about her, when certain questions arise about my past, I find it can kill the conversation. I can get into more detail if need be, but suffice it to say that questions about my past and family are mood killers (my parents are both dead, I have siblings I haven't talked to in years, and really don't have any family). I'm not super-depressed over any of these things, such is life and it's something I have to deal with. I don't get over-emotional when explaining the situation. The two main things I have tried are just trying to ignore the question altogether (which seems to be off-putting) or explain the situation and make a couple jokes about it. Regardless of which one, the girls seem upset that they brought it up or start to think I must have a whole rash of baggage.

Now, I am tempted to just invent a story altogether that would just make my situation more generic, but that would violate my rule of never lying, and can create obvious problems if the girl and I get into a relationship.

It does dawn on me that my situation should fit in with the "Byronic Hero" qualities that Chase has discussed in some of his posts. Maybe because of my attachment to the issues, I haven't really discovered how to frame these into useful pick-up tools. As horrible as that may come off, I often feel like I'm being doubly-screwed. First with the actual event occurring, second when the conversation I'm involved in takes a major dive that I sometimes can't seem to recover from.

Not every girl reacts this way. My experience has been that if someone has been through some "trying" times, they empathize more and aren't judgmental and the conversation continues to flow normally. My problem is when a girl talks about her "white picket fence" childhood and parents that love and support her, then she feels bad cause she feels like she was bragging or something.

But I would definitely appreciate the input of the more "advanced" members or someone who has similar circumstances that has found a way to take a really big negative and turn it into a positive.

Thanks in advance,

-Doc

 

[Flames]

The 2 ways is approach it would be to bring up the subjects first, or tell her that it's best saved for the next date. As I don't really have this sort of thing in my past id be speculating that the results would be better than her bringing it up, and leave more informed answers to people with RL experience of this 'problem'.

 

[NarrowJ]

You should be deflecting and returning most of her questions anyway, to build intrigue and be "mysterious". But, I suppose in your case you could take advantage of it in some way. Women love "saving" Byronic men. They see a man with a troubled past as mystifying and magnetic, so long as you also display other traits such as being sophisticated, cunning, seductive and socially dominant.

If a girl asks about your past or your family, I would just say rather non-chalantly: "Well, my parents have both since passed. It was hard for some time, you know?" ... and then deftly return the question to her with a warm smile as if it's not a big deal: "But you get through it. It's life, right! So how about you? What was your childhood like?"

Hope that gives you some ideas!
NJ

 

[Franco]

doctor,

The two main things I have tried are just trying to ignore the question altogether (which seems to be off-putting) or explain the situation and make a couple jokes about it. Regardless of which one, the girls seem upset that they brought it up or start to think I must have a whole rash of baggage.

Now, I am tempted to just invent a story altogether that would just make my situation more generic, but that would violate my rule of never lying, and can create obvious problems if the girl and I get into a relationship.

I wouldn't invent a story unless you feel very uncomfortable talking about it to the point where you think you'll lose your stability or confidence during the date. However, it seems like that is not the case for you.

Instead of ignoring the topic (which will make her feel like she won't get to know important aspects of you) or making jokes about it (which will make it difficult for her to connect with you because you treat the whole thing as a joke, and she won't be sure how to respond), the best thing to do in these situations is to describe how these events have made you a better and stronger person.

So for example, with a calm tone you can explain to her that both your parents passed away, but then quickly transition into how that changed your life and where it made you stronger. Maybe you had to take care of your grandparents because they were still alive, or maybe you had to push yourself to find a job while you went through school to support yourself. As a result of this, you became independent extremely quickly and learned how to live on your own.

You need to highlight a point or two that your "struggles" helped you succeed at. You need to end the conversation on a high note so that she looks and you and goes "wow, he had it rough... but he really sees the bright side of things. There's more to him than I thought..."

You don't need to divulge everything right away (and you still only want to be on the topic for maybe 5 minutes at the maximum), but you need to give her enough that she understands that your struggles were not in vain and that those struggles contributed to the man you are now. After you've ended the story on a high note, then you can deflect and start asking about her.

This is the correct way to approach this.

- Franco

 

[Thedoctor]

Instead of ignoring the topic (which will make her feel like she won't get to know important aspects of you) or making jokes about it (which will make it difficult for her to connect with you because you treat the whole thing as a joke, and she won't be sure how to respond), the best thing to do in these situations is to describe how these events have made you a better and stronger person.

Yup, that's what I was looking for. One of those things that is so clear and simple now that it's in front of me.

Thanks to all of you for your input.

-Doc

 

[Richard]

Instead of ignoring the topic (which will make her feel like she won't get to know important aspects of you) or making jokes about it (which will make it difficult for her to connect with you because you treat the whole thing as a joke, and she won't be sure how to respond), the best thing to do in these situations is to describe how these events have made you a better and stronger person.

and

You need to highlight a point or two that your "struggles" helped you succeed at. You need to end the conversation on a high note so that she looks and you and goes "wow, he had it rough... but he really sees the bright side of things. There's more to him than I thought..."

Damn Franco, you beat me to it!

Doc, this is exactly right.