Recovering a first date that fell apart in the end

[4AllEternity]

I had a very strange experience yesterday. Met a girl for the first date, and it went stellar at first. We started with coffee and immediately hit it off. I know my game was down, as I was on the ball with body language (slow sexy smile being reciprocated by her), kept her talking while occasionally interjecting some points we connect with, ended up hearing about her life while not going into friend territory, etc. We had some great rapport and there was definitely physical attraction, as I very easily convinced her we should go back to her place.

We get back there, and due to her talking about how she liked smoking weed (I do too, but I didn't bring this up, she did, so I figured she was truly confident and wasn't just trying to impress me), suggested we smoke a bowl. We did, but only a small amount, I personally didn't get really intoxicated, and she seemed fine and enjoying herself. This is where the weirdness started. We were relaxing on her bed watching a movie, and she was snuggled up against me with my arm around her. We had some really intimate cuddling, with her definitely being into it, pushing up against me, etc. So I figured I was getting practically a loudspeaker invitation to go in for a kiss, and I did. She didn't flinch or turn away, she just sort of froze. I picked up on this and aborted (did not actually land the kiss), pulling my head back to look at her in a gentle questioning way. She didn't seem bothered and I couldn't really decipher anything from her expression. She just acted like it didn't happen, and returned to squeezing against me. I waited a bit, and after she continued to really enthusiastically participate in this cuddling sesh we were having, decided "Hey, maybe she was just caught a bit off guard and didn't know what to do", so I once again, gently when in for a kiss, but this time I was a bit more clear and playful about it (teasingly told her to turn over, smiled, eyes from her eyes to lips, back, etc), but once again, as I went in for it, she did not move to meet me. She just froze. Once again I pulled back, because she just wasn't going for it. This happened a third time, with the same results.

After the third try, I knew it wasn't just her being clumsy and not knowing what to do. Do note that I handled each missed kiss gracefully, didn't sulk or withdraw or anything, just returned to cuddling. After the third, I ended up waiting until the end of the episode we were watching, and then left in a rather rushed way. I didn't bother going for a goodbye kiss, because it just seemed desperate, since she definitely 100% knew I was trying to kiss her before.

So basically, what may have caused this to happen? I have been dating enough in the last 2 years to know when I'm getting very strong signals to escalate, I was confident about it, she seemed into me and was actively rubbing her butt against me and such. If she just didn't want sex on the first date, I know she would have just stated it. Neither of us are new to dating, and as I said she was very confident sexually in our conversations. The three times I did try to kiss her, she did not exactly reject me or flinch or anything, she just lay there without moving towards the kiss. If you were there you'd see why it bothered me; it wasn't a flat our rejection, but there was definitely something weird about her body language and absolute lack of engagement that prevented me from trying to be more playfully forceful. She just really didn't seem interested in kissing, but yet seemed to be enjoying spooning.

Most importantly, how do you suggest I proceed if I want to give this one more shot? Should I wait to to text her, or should I text her something funny about our date today (the day after) to prevent auto-rejection from setting in? How do you suggest I approach this? Should I just act like nothing weird happened and ask her out to date #2, and should I wait to do that?

 

[Franco]

4AllEternity,

It sounds to me like she was just waiting for you take the initiative on everything, and you backed off at every opportunity.

The first thing you want to make note of is whether or not you actually attempted to make contact with her lips. Unless she pulls away, there's no reason you shouldn't at least make contact with her lips to see how she responds. She may be "frozen" all the way until you actually make contact with her, and then she'll reciprocate as soon as you do. Even if she does not, you can try several times and playfully tease her if she doesn't reciprocate.

If after a few tries of making lip contact with her she doesn't either (a) engage in mutual kissing or (b) pull away from you, then you can start trying other areas of her body. The next natural spot to start kissing is her neck, and if you're doing it right, I guarantee you'll at least get some kind of reaction from her (since you don't require her to actually reciprocate -- you just continually kiss up and down her neck in sexy ways until you get a response from her).

Remember, the idea isn't for you to stop escalating when you think she doesn't want you to proceed. You escalate until she reciprocates, or until she stops you or pulls away. If she stops you or pulls away, then back a way for a bit, have some playful banter, and try again after a minute or two. If the girl really doesn't want you to escalate with her, she can always leave.

Most importantly, how do you suggest I proceed if I want to give this one more shot? Should I wait to to text her, or should I text her something funny about our date today (the day after) to prevent auto-rejection from setting in? How do you suggest I approach this? Should I just act like nothing weird happened and ask her out to date #2, and should I wait to do that?

Recovering from a point where you were able to escalate to sex but then failed to is usually difficult. She may give you another chance, but it depends on how she feels about you and what level of abundance from other men she feels like she has. I would just attempt to invite her over again at this point and rinse and repeat the process. If you're unable to get her over to your place again within two weeks or so, it would probably be best the move on.

- Franco

 

[4AllEternity]

While I didn't force a kiss on her, I really was taking the initiative. For example, twice I tried to gently lift her head with a finger on the chin so I could actually get in there and land my lips, but she refused to move. She didn't pull back, but she just would not move with me. The way we were positioned required that I "open her up" or else there was no way to actually kiss her without it being a really weird position. I think what weirded me out more than just a usual "need leadership" response, is that she refused my simply indirect leadership. She just would not move with me. She didn't end things, but she just did not seem to want to kiss.

I'm not afraid to be a bit rough and play the strong leadership role, but she just wasn't letting me lead her. I would literally have had to force her to kiss me, and while I've been with girls who like being "taken", this wasn't like that. Normally there's some enthusiasm, and when I actually go to draw them in for a kiss, they let themselves get pulled into my arms. In this case, she remained firm and kept avoiding eye contact. I couldn't for the life of me figure out her expression, it wasn't embarrassed, scared, bored, annoyed, etc. It was just blank.

Anyways, I realize it's impossible to give any firm answers as neither of us know what she was really thinking for sure. So I'll take your advice and give it a shot, and if she's down for a second date, be a bit more forceful and see if I get any response.

So that all being said, how do you suggest going about the second date? At this point we ended the 1st rather awkwardly, and I still haven't contacted her. I'm currently on the fence between whether early contact would be better, as I think this situation could easily go to autorejection. But on the other hand, given how the date went, I'm worried that early contact might also seem weak/needy. I also am not sure how exactly I should go about asking for a second date; we both definitely knew I was a bit confused and miffed leaving. Should I address it directly in some joking way and maybe clear the air a little, or just act like nothing happened? I feel like acting like nothing happened may be the bad course, because it may make the second date weird not acknowledging that the 1st was strange.

 

[4AllEternity]

Ok, I decided to go with my gut, and just texted the finisher to a joke we were sharing early in the date, because I wanted to eliminate any assumption she had that I was angry or sulking. She replied immediately, which I think is a good sign that I can land a date #2. I'm leaving at just that one message though, and will hold off engaging her further for a day or so. Any tips?

 

[Zoro]

For date #2 refrain from smoking weed. Smoking the ganja can throw interactions out of the good vibe it had. It alters your state of mind and if you both were having a good time, why mess with that?

Even with girls I've been seeing awhile I refrain from smoking.

One time I broke this rule with a girl I was seeing regularly. She became very sleepy and turned into a limp bean bag and just wanted to sleep. I was ready to enjoy the high outside in the sun.

Personally, I have become more productive from refraining from smoking at all.

High off life baby.

Ü

 

[4AllEternity]

Welp, just got another text from her saying "I enjoyed the date ", so I think I have a complete "All Clear" for a second date.

For date #2 refrain from smoking weed. Smoking the ganja can throw interactions out of the good vibe it had. It alters your state of mind and if you both were having a good time, why mess with that?

Even with girls I've been seeing awhile I refrain from smoking.

One time I broke this rule with a girl I was seeing regularly. She became very sleepy and turned into a limp bean bag and just wanted to sleep. I was ready to enjoy the high outside in the sun.

Personally, I have become more productive from refraining from smoking at all.

High off life baby.

Ü

Yep, I'm guessing this is yet another time in which marijuana sours a date. I've had it happen before, but the girl I was smoking with then was a nooby, so I was not surprised (I had a little, she wanted to try it, ended up getting really quiet and shelled up). The only reason I made an exception this time was because she was the one that brought it up, and seemed to be a regular smoker (had her own bong, etc). My guess is that she simply was more fucked up by it than she let on, and while she was still enjoying herself, just couldn't handle an intense makeout session, or maybe was simply too confused to follow my moves. She may also have been down to makeout, but not to have sex, but felt too fucked up to figure out a good way to communicate that to me without causing awkwardness/me withdrawing.

Part of the reason why I think I'm surprised that marijuana does this to people I've smoked with on dates, is that I seem to experience no side-effects from smoking. I can smoke a lot, and still be functional and have a normal mindset. Sometimes I get paranoid, but I can tell it's unwarranted and just ignore it. The strange thing is that I don't smoke lots and only need a little bit to have a good time (but I can still do a lot if I want too). I'm learning more and more that a lot of people seem to be put into a completely different state of mind, and behave oddly under it's influence. To me it just makes everything better, with the only consequence being that I get lazy while I'm high.

Having this happen for a second time, and this time with someone who considered themselves experienced, has made me resolve to never smoke on a first date again, and as you said, probably hold off entirely until we're somewhat committed. Definitely until after we've had sex and are completely comfortable around each other.

 

[Zoro]

4AllEternity,

I think thats a good plan my man,

People tend to react different to pot. Paranoid, sleepy, energetic, lazy, crazy-I'mgoingtodie-theworldisENDING, happy, sad, fun, weird, awkward, no change, you name it.

Avoiding such a wide variable is just one less thing to worry about.

Welp, just got another text from her saying "I enjoyed the date ", so I think I have a complete "All Clear" for a second date.

Go do your thing! You got this.

Just remember that old saying, "There's always more fish in the sea."

-JW

 

[ray_zorse]

Yeah. I had a date w a girl who brought her own, she was about 45min late for the date, so we skipped the first venue and just planned to sit by the river, she parked her car and then rolled a joint in it, I was a bit pissed off frankly, after fucking around in the city for all that time, then having to wait fuckin ages for her to roll a joint, before she'd even said anything beyond hello... date went okay, but after smoking she definitely weirded out, didn't invest much and just got really lazy and distant on me, however I persevered and used a bit of push pull... she asks me when we're going out, I say "probably never if it's left up to you" and things like "I'm waiting for you to get off your arse and do your share [of the activities I had arranged at my place]" ... frankly it was a total bitch and the mood was not good for escalating, but I did it anyway, and ended up getting okay head and fucking her and and eventually finishing her off with the vibrator. She woke up a bit and eventually said it had been just what she needed. I thought she was a total pain in the arse though. Never smoke weed on a date or allow her to bring her own.
Ray