Recovery From an Ended LTR

[lingua]

Hi guys, the article that Ricardus wrote was a great foundation and so I've done all steps except #9 and #13, heck even #5.

It's been many months, but the longing randomly hits you when you least expect it. I've said screw it and got back in touch only to be hurt and my time and efforts disrespected once more so it's apparent that she doesn't take into any consideration the issues that we've had and repeats the same behaviors that have been specifically discussed with her. It's turned into a childish back and forth contact and ensuing arguments. Crazily enough I deeply care about her, yet I can't let my time be so taken for granted and disrespected without as much as any consideration or care.

Truly feels awful to have your heart ripped apart though. This shit is surreal, normal pulls and f-closes only help fill in the sexual urges and lust department. Even the possibility of another exclusive LTR sounds like mental suicide, especially considering the difficulties I've had with strict monogamy towards the end.

Anyone have any experiences in this regard, specifically with having had deep connection as opposed to have settled down? (no offense)

 

[lingua]

Bump

 

[Franco]

lingua,

I think this mostly happens in regards to one of your first serious relationships with a girl you really love. Which means that, when it's over, you'll likely miss the connection you had with that person and the one that you shared for so long. Some part of you probably feels like you can't get that again.

So while maybe you're not necessarily looking to be in an exclusive LTR because of what you've had to go through with this one, the best solution might be to find another great girl as soon as possible and bring her into an exclusive LTR for awhile... simply to show yourself that finding that kind of connection isn't hard to do if you apply yourself to it. Once you've gone through this the first time (and then maybe a couple of times after that), you see the "sillyness" in the trending behavior of the girls. They'll all do exactly the same things through each step in the process of breaking up with them, and you'll realize that this is just part of who women are at the core. They have their needs, just like you have yours. It's nothing to resent (and in fact, I would recommend embracing that behavior and understanding it for what it is), and when you come to terms with it, it'll be much easier to move freely between exclusive and non-exclusive relationships with incredible women.

So, if you happen to come across an amazing girl while sleeping around right now, feel free to take her into a relationship and remind yourself that, while finding girls that you can connect with isn't necessarily "easy" (and takes some time), it's also not that hard either if you realize that the next best thing is right around the corner. Once you feel comfortable with that, then you might even be more comfortable with running non-monogamy for awhile to enjoy a multitude of women. Or you might decide that you enjoy exclusive LTRs up to a certain point, and then you realize that that point is where it ends for you and it's best for you to break it off with a girl.

Feel free to experiment and not be afraid of any one type of lifestyle -- hook-ups, non-monogamy, or monogamy. Doing monogamy again might help you not only recover from this girl, but also help you realize that there are more opportunities out there to connect with women on a deeper level, and then you can decide if you want to continue doing more monogamy or experience more non-monogamy.

(NOTE: I realize this is a tough question to answer, but in general, being able to replace a girl with another girl of similar quality almost always helps you recover. It'll be your choice if you want it to be an LTR or non-monogamy, but sometimes just doing the process more than one time will show you what you need to see to be at peace with all of it)

- Franco

 

[Bboy100]

First of all, the advice "fuck a bunch of different women to get over your ex" isn't applicable to everyone. If you're having sex with these other women cause the sex is fun and you actually enjoy it for its own sake, then more power to you. But if you're trying to fill a void as I suspect, this is actually causing more harm than good.All having sexual relationship with other women does is push back the emotions which you eventually have to feel. Ricardus's reasoning is bullshit. The reason why we feel pain after a breakup is not because we we don't know that we can get other women (ok that could be a part of it! But that's not all there is to it). Its because we feel like we've lost something which was very important to us (i.e. the connection and intimacy that came with the relationship).

Also, I disagree with Franco. Trying to start another LTR wouldn't help either. All that'll do is cause you to not only bring the baggage which you have not yet dealt with from your previous relationship to the new one, but once it ends, you'll have to deal with the emotions from two break ups not just one.

The way we deal with break ups and other similar "traumas" is by feeling the emotions. Not trying to fill a gap or replace them with something else. Sure, we can fill the gap and temporarily avoid the emotions. But one way or another, they'll find their way back into our lives. Also, by suppressing, avoiding or otherwise not dealing with our emotions, they are dropped into our subconscious. This is very bad news because it starts to create self-sabotaging behaviors (e.g. someone might feel anxiety and self-sabotage himself in future relationships because he hasn't dealt with the emotions from a past one. And he won't even be consciously aware that he's doing this!)

Here's what you can do:
1. Come to terms with the breakup. Based on the fact that you're still in contact with her and you keep going back and forth, it sounds like you haven't done this. You need to accept that the relationship is over. Don't try to go back to her, don't try to fix it. Make the decision that its over and you're going to move on. This means cutting contact (unless absolutely necessary) and making the conscious decision to leave her in the past. Also, if you have any leftover anger, bitterness or other negative emotions towards her, figure out a way to forgive her (this doesn't mean forget! Just forgive.). I'm not saying that she necessarily deserves to be forgiven. But from a purely pragmatic standpoint, being angry only harms you. And it sure as hell doesn't affect her or make the situation better.

2. Create and enjoy platonic social relationships with other people. This means engaging in your hobbies with people you love and care for. These hobbies and people can include socializing with women. But as I said at the start, don't try to fuck them unless you see fucking them as something you'd like to do for its own sake, and not as a way of filling the gap left by your relationship. Basically, your friends serve as a cushion to soften the emotions that you're feeling. It also helps your mind realize that life goes on with or without your ex. Yes, she's not there anymore, but that doesn't mean its the end of the world. You can still do 90% of the things you were doing before.

3. Time. That's it. You're gonna feel pain. There's no other (healthy) way around it. Beyond dealing with residual anger, bitterness, guilt and other bad emotions, the way we deal with traumas like these is for time to pass. This will help more than anything else. Also, keep in mind that every time you talk to her, you're setting yourself back. You're re-tearing old wounds. So I would avoid all contact if at all possible. I suspect this is a large part of why you can't get over her. Cause you keep having conversations and going back to her!

Frankly, I'm not intelligent enough to come up with all this by myself. This is mostly based on a podcast I listen to (most if not all of which is based on real studies, not just anecdotal experience). But I applied all this to my most recent breakup, and it worked wonders for me. I got over her way faster than I imagined possible. If you're interested in learning more, here are the related episodes:

http://thematinggrounds.com/bad-advice- ... her-women/
http://thematinggrounds.com/how-do-i-re ... dry-spell/

 

[Franco]

Bboy,

Every guy's probably different on how he manages his emotions and moves on. A lot of the stuff that you mentioned is helpful, but it's also stuff I heard from just about everyone when I was struggling with a "break up" of sorts, and it didn't help me move on. I had plenty of friends and family around me (and that's never really been an issue for me whatsoever), but my mind was in a place that wouldn't let any of that help me. I had to internalize that my core issue had to do with the fact that I felt like I was unable to quickly replace that strong connection that I felt when I was in love with a girl, and I knew that the only way out was to learn to be able to replace that old emotion with a newer one (and a newer perspective).

Personally, I'm not a fan of ever feeling any type of pain. If I have pain, there's a reason behind it; and for me, the best method is to understand where that pain comes from and why I'm feeling it so that I can work on resolving it as quickly as humanly possible. If you don't resolve the pain, you can end up in an endless cycle of debilitating thoughts that drag you down and down (and this can last for years for some guys -- I know a dude who's the brother of a friend of mine who's been in a depression for over two years after breaking up with his girlfriend. He just keeps going through the same thought cycles, and he doesn't improve his own situation because he doesn't take any action towards resolving the core problem).

It really depends on your ability to overcome whatever the problem is mentally. "Waiting it out and feeling it" also doesn't really work for everyone -- I know it didn't work for me. I'm a big fan of taking action as soon as I find a suitable solution. The hardest part can be finding that solution, though. I suspect for a lot of guys the answer is really the same (and that finding that connection with another girl helps you realize that you're capable of building that connection again and again, which makes breaking up a hell of a lot easier... at least as easy as a break-up can get anyway). But if it's not the answer for you, then just like anything on this website, you'll have to test and see what works best for you and you alone.

Don't be afraid to experiment and see what suits you best. The only course of action that can really fail a guy in this type of situation is not taking any action at all. Once I started taking action to resolve my problems, I started to see the light at the end of the tunnel. =)

- Franco

 

[Fuck This]

lingua,

I think this mostly happens in regards to one of your first serious relationships with a girl you really love. Which means that, when it's over, you'll likely miss the connection you had with that person and the one that you shared for so long. Some part of you probably feels like you can't get that again.

So while maybe you're not necessarily looking to be in an exclusive LTR because of what you've had to go through with this one, the best solution might be to find another great girl as soon as possible and bring her into an exclusive LTR for awhile... simply to show yourself that finding that kind of connection isn't hard to do if you apply yourself to it.

So, if you happen to come across an amazing girl while sleeping around right now, feel free to take her into a relationship and remind yourself that, while finding girls that you can connect with isn't necessarily "easy" (and takes some time), it's also not that hard either if you realize that the next best thing is right around the corner. Once you feel comfortable with that, then you might even be more comfortable with running non-monogamy for awhile to enjoy a multitude of women. Or you might decide that you enjoy exclusive LTRs up to a certain point, and then you realize that that point is where it ends for you and it's best for you to break it off with a girl.

- Franco

Franco, this was very well thought out and very similar to my experience so far. I thought I was going to go full on "Manwhore" once I'd cut the cord. But I realized when I saw my relationship dying on the vine, I created a new social circle, and I, consciously or unconsciously, evaluated women as potential mates. Once I'd made the decision to end my relationship, I was amazed that I found someone who was the Anti-Thesis to my previous relationship. I still have concerns I haven't fully evaluated all my options in the market, but I certainly upgraded in having my needs met in the relationship. It was the connection and support I had not anticipated needing or wanting...

 

[lingua]

I realize this is a tough question to answer, but in general, being able to replace a girl with another girl of similar quality almost always helps you recover. It'll be your choice if you want it to be an LTR or non-monogamy, but sometimes just doing the process more than one time will show you what you need to see to be at peace with all of it

I think this is the heart of the matter. The only way for me to get over her is to form a new deep connection with a girl of similar quality, otherwise it's an emotional open wound and simple lays do nothing for it.

I appreciate the comments guys.