- Joined
- Jan 2, 2015
- Messages
- 1,107
Disclaimer: This post is only written so I can put what I feel on paper. I don't actually expect anyone to read this entire manifesto.
I feel like I'm dying. I just ate for the first time in two days cause I didn't have an appetite. I've only slept two hours in the past 2 days. I've spontaneously burst into tears more times than I can count. And the pain...the throbbing pain in my chest. It feels like death itself. I've had two therapy sessions in two days.
Here's the story...
Six months ago, I met a girl on my birthday. She was a virgin at the time. It was clear to me from the start that she had self-esteem issues, some anxiety problems and worries excessively. But it seemed like kind of a small thing. I wasn't sure how deep this rabbit hole would go till about a month ago...
She left to go visit her family in Portugal for the summer. The day after she left, she sent me a text saying she has HPV, and since I'm the only guy she's had sex with, it means I must have given it to her. She then cut contact with me for two full days. To be honest, I didn't think she was concerned about the HPV itself. I thought she was mad because we allowed this to happen when she had specifically mentioned at the start that she doesn't have the vaccination for it. And also, I worry that she may have realized she's not ok with the kind of relationship we have (it was an open relationship). And this is almost the physical manifestation of this dissatisfaction.
Turns out, her concern legit was the HPV virus. She thought it was a serious disease. She had a lot of misinformation on what it is. I knew very little about it. So when she told me all the horrible things she had read online, I panicked a little too. So I went to a doctor to get more information that day. As I explained the problem to the doc with a distressed look on my face, he almost chuckled at me. He explained to me that hpv is no big deal and he told me what it really does etc etc. I was instantly relieved.
I explained all this to her. She felt a little better, but she was still worried about the small chance that she might develop genital herpes. She also feels dirty, like "no guy will want her anymore". Moreover, she's absolutely terrified at the idea of telling someone new that she has hpv.
After she got the diagnosis, everything changed. I would consider that to be the end of the relationship we had before. Everything after this was just grasping at straws. We used to smile, laugh, have long, fun, interesting, intimate conversations together. And when she's around we also had great sex. Anytime I sent her a snapchat or text, she would always reply relatively quickly, and she would try. They were enjoyable. After she got diagnosed, all of this stopped. She very selectively replied to my texts, she never replied to my snaps, and even when she did, she wouldn't really try. She would always give one word answers/replies to everything I say.
Anyways...after we went to the doctor, I called her on Skype to try to hash things out with her. She explained to me that she's mad at me, and she's mad at herself for allowing this to happen. Despite the fact that we hadn't actually done anything wrong, we had now way of knowing about the hpv etc etc., she was still mad. In fact, she didn't even blame me. She's just upset at me (and herself). In the middle of the call, she had a meltdown. She started crying frantically, screaming "I'm not crazy ok? I just feel really awful right now!"
It was then and there that I realized two things:
1. She may not be as good a relationship candidate as I had previously assessed her to be. Because it seems her "minor" anxiety/worrying issues were not minor at all. They were enough to make her completely miserable after one relatively small hiccup. Unless she deals with said anxiety/worrying, what is happening now is doomed to be repeated over and over again within the relationship until it dies.
2. We're in a much bigger mess than I originally thought.
Eventually, we ended the call because it was "getting to be too much for her" (she was already in tears as she said this). In the following days, I tried texting her a few times, she didn't reply. I started to panic and get a little needy. I think I texted her to Skype me 3 times in one day or something like that? At the end, she finally replied and said yes.
When we got on Skype, she was literally starring daggers at me. Like, she legit looked like she hated my guts. First, I addressed the whole "why are you not texting me back" issue. She said she's just been super busy cause she's traveling etc. Given that I texted her three times within the same day, I'm not really in a position to call her out on this, because regardless of her reasons, I look needy. So I just apologized for misunderstanding the situation. Also, at the time, I kind of believed her. In hindsight, I think she wasn't just busy. She was also avoiding me because she associates me with the unpleasant feelings she has rn (more on that in a bit!). The rest of the call went really well. I got her to smile/laugh for the first time in a long time. By the end of it, she seemed to be at least ok with talking to me. Certainly, she wasn't angry.
Also, after that Skype, I quit texting her because I sincerely believed she was super busy all the time. Two days later, she texts me "hi". I text her back "Hi
" . She responds, "Are you mad at me?" I tell her I'm not and ask her why she thinks I am. She says its cause I haven't initiated any conversations with her recently. I told her its because last time we talked, it sounded like she's super busy. So I decided to just wait till she has free time and gets back to me. Also, I just didn't want to come off as needy (I told her this too).
Over the course of the next few days, we have a few more text conversations. Still very dull and bland because she quit trying a while ago. But at least we're communicating now, so I was happy with that.
Then one day, I text her asking her if she's down to Skype. She doesn't reply for almost 24 hours. I get legit angry for the first time. I send her the following text:
"So, you tell me you want me to initiate more conversations. So I try to get you to Skype with me. And you can't even give me the dignity of a response for over 24 hours? That's disrespectful"
She almost instantaneously responded. She said she's been really busy traveling Spain, and she has something she needs to tell me, but she doesn't necessarily know how. She tells me she went to a doctor cause she finally can't take it anymore (remember, the entire problem is that she's worried about hpv lol). And also, apparently she had a wart. So she actually was developing genital warts. I ask her if she got treatment. She said she did. I ask her if they'll have any consequences. Her reply was "emotional damage". She says she literally hates herself now, and she can't sleep at night. She says she thinks no guy will ever want to sleep with her again and that she'll never be able to have sex. I reassure her that I would still sleep with her. She asked me if I would actually *want* to. I said yes, ofc. She said she'll talk to me tomorrow (over Skype)
The next day, we get on Skype. This was the worst one of all. The look on her face....pure disgust. Like I killed her child or something. Her voice...filled with hatred and disdain. This conversation only lasted 15 minutes. The rest lasted hours. Basically, the gist of it was this: She apparently "talked to someone and she refuses to disclose who" and now she feels a lot better about the hpv thing. She understands that its nbd and she'll be fine.
But she says she doesn't want to talk to me anymore until we get back to school in the Fall. She wants to heal and also enjoy her trip, and by talking to me, she can't do that because she associates me as the face all that's happened. In other words, her mind has associated me with all the negative emotions, all the pain of the last month, all the misery. At this point, I'm completely crushed. I feel weak and panicky. I ask her in a very weak voice....then what? Do you want to hang out in the Fall? Her answer was "I don't know." And that's the end. That happened yesterday.
For those of you who don't know, if a girl puts the breaks on a relationship, then says that she "doesn't know" if we'll get back together, that's either her polite way of rejecting me. Or, she really means it (that she doesn't know). But at the end, the relationship still won't survive.
I made a lot of mistakes:
1. Before all of this started, I was the one in charge of the relationship. I was the dominant one. But as soon as this happened, I started trying waay too hard to take care of her feelings and to make things easy as possible for her. As a result, she slowly but surely started to supercede me and take the reins. As you guys may have seen by that last call, she was calling all the shots. This was a complete 360 from before.
2. I tried to fix her problems for her. Clearly, she has an anxiety issue which needs serious treatment. And she needs to want to fix it. She doesn't want to fix it. There's nothing I can do about that. I didn't realize that, so all my efforts just backfired on me.
3. I tried to comfort her in a "logical" way. I didn't really relate with her emotionally. She was always freaking out and panicked. I was always calm and collected. I thought this would be a good approach because if we're both panicked, it'll seem hopeless. Whereas if there's at least one person who's being a rock, he can inspire confidence in the other. This had the exact opposite effect. It made me seem unrelatable. In that last call, she told me she thought I didn't take her problems seriously cause I was so casual about it. Like it was no big deal. She felt like I was brushing this off when I shouldn't be. Truthfully, I was just keeping my emotions in check. However, in the last Skype call (which is when she brought this up), I did reveal my true emotions to her. I showed her that I was terrified. I told her I can't sleep at night. I told her I'm not 100% sure what I would tell a new girl I sleep with that I have hpv. I told her that my social anxiety is through the roof because of all this. She thanked me for this.
Parting Thoughts:
-This was a great relationship. Despite the rough ending, I would consider it a success. Because the 6 months prior to this, it was an absolute bliss. And I've learned so much from it.
- Even if she does come back to me, I'm not sure how I would continue to have a relationship with her. As long as she retains these anxiety problems, she will always be undatable. Because sooner or later, something will happen and her anxiety will get the best of her. Then we'll be traveling down this dark path again.
- I'm writing this post to cope with the unbearable pain I feel right now.
- It really eates me up not knowing who this mystery person who she "talked to" is. Ik he's not a guy she fucked cause I straight up asked her, and she got genuinely furious at the notion of it. Regardless of who he is, he managed to do in one one conversation what I failed to do for a whole month. Also, I strongly suspect that he's partially responsible for her decision to cut me off. And why doesn't she want to tell me who he is anyways?
If you actually read this entire post. Thank you. I appreciate you.
I feel like I'm dying. I just ate for the first time in two days cause I didn't have an appetite. I've only slept two hours in the past 2 days. I've spontaneously burst into tears more times than I can count. And the pain...the throbbing pain in my chest. It feels like death itself. I've had two therapy sessions in two days.
Here's the story...
Six months ago, I met a girl on my birthday. She was a virgin at the time. It was clear to me from the start that she had self-esteem issues, some anxiety problems and worries excessively. But it seemed like kind of a small thing. I wasn't sure how deep this rabbit hole would go till about a month ago...
She left to go visit her family in Portugal for the summer. The day after she left, she sent me a text saying she has HPV, and since I'm the only guy she's had sex with, it means I must have given it to her. She then cut contact with me for two full days. To be honest, I didn't think she was concerned about the HPV itself. I thought she was mad because we allowed this to happen when she had specifically mentioned at the start that she doesn't have the vaccination for it. And also, I worry that she may have realized she's not ok with the kind of relationship we have (it was an open relationship). And this is almost the physical manifestation of this dissatisfaction.
Turns out, her concern legit was the HPV virus. She thought it was a serious disease. She had a lot of misinformation on what it is. I knew very little about it. So when she told me all the horrible things she had read online, I panicked a little too. So I went to a doctor to get more information that day. As I explained the problem to the doc with a distressed look on my face, he almost chuckled at me. He explained to me that hpv is no big deal and he told me what it really does etc etc. I was instantly relieved.
I explained all this to her. She felt a little better, but she was still worried about the small chance that she might develop genital herpes. She also feels dirty, like "no guy will want her anymore". Moreover, she's absolutely terrified at the idea of telling someone new that she has hpv.
After she got the diagnosis, everything changed. I would consider that to be the end of the relationship we had before. Everything after this was just grasping at straws. We used to smile, laugh, have long, fun, interesting, intimate conversations together. And when she's around we also had great sex. Anytime I sent her a snapchat or text, she would always reply relatively quickly, and she would try. They were enjoyable. After she got diagnosed, all of this stopped. She very selectively replied to my texts, she never replied to my snaps, and even when she did, she wouldn't really try. She would always give one word answers/replies to everything I say.
Anyways...after we went to the doctor, I called her on Skype to try to hash things out with her. She explained to me that she's mad at me, and she's mad at herself for allowing this to happen. Despite the fact that we hadn't actually done anything wrong, we had now way of knowing about the hpv etc etc., she was still mad. In fact, she didn't even blame me. She's just upset at me (and herself). In the middle of the call, she had a meltdown. She started crying frantically, screaming "I'm not crazy ok? I just feel really awful right now!"
It was then and there that I realized two things:
1. She may not be as good a relationship candidate as I had previously assessed her to be. Because it seems her "minor" anxiety/worrying issues were not minor at all. They were enough to make her completely miserable after one relatively small hiccup. Unless she deals with said anxiety/worrying, what is happening now is doomed to be repeated over and over again within the relationship until it dies.
2. We're in a much bigger mess than I originally thought.
Eventually, we ended the call because it was "getting to be too much for her" (she was already in tears as she said this). In the following days, I tried texting her a few times, she didn't reply. I started to panic and get a little needy. I think I texted her to Skype me 3 times in one day or something like that? At the end, she finally replied and said yes.
When we got on Skype, she was literally starring daggers at me. Like, she legit looked like she hated my guts. First, I addressed the whole "why are you not texting me back" issue. She said she's just been super busy cause she's traveling etc. Given that I texted her three times within the same day, I'm not really in a position to call her out on this, because regardless of her reasons, I look needy. So I just apologized for misunderstanding the situation. Also, at the time, I kind of believed her. In hindsight, I think she wasn't just busy. She was also avoiding me because she associates me with the unpleasant feelings she has rn (more on that in a bit!). The rest of the call went really well. I got her to smile/laugh for the first time in a long time. By the end of it, she seemed to be at least ok with talking to me. Certainly, she wasn't angry.
Also, after that Skype, I quit texting her because I sincerely believed she was super busy all the time. Two days later, she texts me "hi". I text her back "Hi
" . She responds, "Are you mad at me?" I tell her I'm not and ask her why she thinks I am. She says its cause I haven't initiated any conversations with her recently. I told her its because last time we talked, it sounded like she's super busy. So I decided to just wait till she has free time and gets back to me. Also, I just didn't want to come off as needy (I told her this too). Over the course of the next few days, we have a few more text conversations. Still very dull and bland because she quit trying a while ago. But at least we're communicating now, so I was happy with that.
Then one day, I text her asking her if she's down to Skype. She doesn't reply for almost 24 hours. I get legit angry for the first time. I send her the following text:
"So, you tell me you want me to initiate more conversations. So I try to get you to Skype with me. And you can't even give me the dignity of a response for over 24 hours? That's disrespectful"
She almost instantaneously responded. She said she's been really busy traveling Spain, and she has something she needs to tell me, but she doesn't necessarily know how. She tells me she went to a doctor cause she finally can't take it anymore (remember, the entire problem is that she's worried about hpv lol). And also, apparently she had a wart. So she actually was developing genital warts. I ask her if she got treatment. She said she did. I ask her if they'll have any consequences. Her reply was "emotional damage". She says she literally hates herself now, and she can't sleep at night. She says she thinks no guy will ever want to sleep with her again and that she'll never be able to have sex. I reassure her that I would still sleep with her. She asked me if I would actually *want* to. I said yes, ofc. She said she'll talk to me tomorrow (over Skype)
The next day, we get on Skype. This was the worst one of all. The look on her face....pure disgust. Like I killed her child or something. Her voice...filled with hatred and disdain. This conversation only lasted 15 minutes. The rest lasted hours. Basically, the gist of it was this: She apparently "talked to someone and she refuses to disclose who" and now she feels a lot better about the hpv thing. She understands that its nbd and she'll be fine.
But she says she doesn't want to talk to me anymore until we get back to school in the Fall. She wants to heal and also enjoy her trip, and by talking to me, she can't do that because she associates me as the face all that's happened. In other words, her mind has associated me with all the negative emotions, all the pain of the last month, all the misery. At this point, I'm completely crushed. I feel weak and panicky. I ask her in a very weak voice....then what? Do you want to hang out in the Fall? Her answer was "I don't know." And that's the end. That happened yesterday.
For those of you who don't know, if a girl puts the breaks on a relationship, then says that she "doesn't know" if we'll get back together, that's either her polite way of rejecting me. Or, she really means it (that she doesn't know). But at the end, the relationship still won't survive.
I made a lot of mistakes:
1. Before all of this started, I was the one in charge of the relationship. I was the dominant one. But as soon as this happened, I started trying waay too hard to take care of her feelings and to make things easy as possible for her. As a result, she slowly but surely started to supercede me and take the reins. As you guys may have seen by that last call, she was calling all the shots. This was a complete 360 from before.
2. I tried to fix her problems for her. Clearly, she has an anxiety issue which needs serious treatment. And she needs to want to fix it. She doesn't want to fix it. There's nothing I can do about that. I didn't realize that, so all my efforts just backfired on me.
3. I tried to comfort her in a "logical" way. I didn't really relate with her emotionally. She was always freaking out and panicked. I was always calm and collected. I thought this would be a good approach because if we're both panicked, it'll seem hopeless. Whereas if there's at least one person who's being a rock, he can inspire confidence in the other. This had the exact opposite effect. It made me seem unrelatable. In that last call, she told me she thought I didn't take her problems seriously cause I was so casual about it. Like it was no big deal. She felt like I was brushing this off when I shouldn't be. Truthfully, I was just keeping my emotions in check. However, in the last Skype call (which is when she brought this up), I did reveal my true emotions to her. I showed her that I was terrified. I told her I can't sleep at night. I told her I'm not 100% sure what I would tell a new girl I sleep with that I have hpv. I told her that my social anxiety is through the roof because of all this. She thanked me for this.
Parting Thoughts:
-This was a great relationship. Despite the rough ending, I would consider it a success. Because the 6 months prior to this, it was an absolute bliss. And I've learned so much from it.
- Even if she does come back to me, I'm not sure how I would continue to have a relationship with her. As long as she retains these anxiety problems, she will always be undatable. Because sooner or later, something will happen and her anxiety will get the best of her. Then we'll be traveling down this dark path again.
- I'm writing this post to cope with the unbearable pain I feel right now.
- It really eates me up not knowing who this mystery person who she "talked to" is. Ik he's not a guy she fucked cause I straight up asked her, and she got genuinely furious at the notion of it. Regardless of who he is, he managed to do in one one conversation what I failed to do for a whole month. Also, I strongly suspect that he's partially responsible for her decision to cut me off. And why doesn't she want to tell me who he is anyways?
If you actually read this entire post. Thank you. I appreciate you.
