RR: the never-ending, somewhat-undefined, non-monogamous relationship

[Lover]

Purpose of this journal
Ladies and gents, you're in for one hell of a journal here! This journal is only about one particular girl and our relationship since we met. Its purpose is to both display how I, she and our relationship have evolved, and compare the events to seduction/GC theories. I'm not writing about this relationship in my personal journal because I'm using it for developing new skills.

Our break ups
So what motivated me to start this journal? Easy. A week ago we were about to break up again, my "partner" and I. This has happened a few times since 2010 (yup, 2010). But she didn't break up for several reasons:

- She is very attracted to me, both sexually and emotionally
- She thinks of me as a scarce resource

She told me this.

What has she been putting up with when we broke up or were about to? Almost every time it's me messing with her emotions. It was never on purpose, I just need to get better at setting right expectations and never promise her anything besides great sex. But that's the funny and ironic part: from what I have read, normally women would not allow you to take a step back. Guess what? Because of the reasons I mentioned above, once again she didn't break up with me, and we're back to a mix of open FB/FWB relationship with romantic feelings from her end.

Everytime a break up is happening, she always says "it's your fault that we are breaking up". She doesn't want to shoulder that responsibility ---> she always finds a way to make me state reasons to why it's not working. When we first kissed, she also said "you kissed me" even though she had turned me on the whole night. Feminine is passive, masculine is active. And she loves it this way.

She has expressed that logically she doesn't want to be with me because of the instability of our relationship, but her emotions tell her that she HAS TO. Whatever role I fill in her life and vice versa, she can't imagine her life without me (red flag?)

Our current relationship
The relationship we have now, began mid 2014. This was the first time that I said to her that I want to explore the wonders of sex with her. She followed my lead and wanted to explore different locations to have sex - this included her college campus where her friends would be. She also invited me to go to bars with her friends and stuff. I was always sceptical of this because of the type of relationship we had. How could her friends approve of it. I would not go along pretending to be her boyfriend. She said no worries, she would just tell them that we are working on it lol...

I gave it a shot and went to few of her social events until our latest almost break up. She has already told her friends about us almost breaking up, and now she understand why I want our relationship to be a secret. Her friends disapprove of me. Her mother always disapproved of me but that's because I'm a foreigner (more on that in another post). Even with everyone else's disapproval she is with this guy that is so wrong for her, yet so right to be with. All the odds are against her, yet hope is keeping her close to me.

Point is: you might meet women who will put up with anything you do to them, but they still can't let you go.

Why are we still together?
So what are we? We agreed to three things

- We decided that our relationship, first and foremost, is about good sex.

- If we have time (I'm busy), we'll occasionally go out to eat, watch a movie etc. ---> Once she said "oh you have time to give me orgasms, yet you NEVER take me else where". I just replied "But... I love to give you orgasms". Guess what happened later that night

- We can both flirt, kiss and fuck any other person ---> she "hates" this because she wants to lock me down in a monogamous relationship even though she knows my romantic feelings for her are not really there. She believes that because I keep staying with her, eventually I will settle down. Well, action do speak louder than words, but in this case my actions are a reflection of my seduction goals.**

I am still keeping her because I want to keep my skills in shape - sex and maintaining sexual relationships. Should I break up with her? Well, our relationship is benefitting both of us, but I don't emotionally love her. I think she is sexy and attractive, and working out has definitely had an impact on my physical attraction for her. If I ever get in a monogamous relationship again**, I can't imagine it will be with this girl. Yet, she has had a huge impact in my interactions with women.

Well, this is it for now. Cheers!

** PS It's ironic that I wrote I wanted a girlfriend in my other journal. I wrote that in emotional distress when we were about to break up again. I'll write more about this in my other journal to avoid confusing myself

 

[Lover]

Alright, I wrote in my first post that I wanted to display how our relationship has evolved until this day. That means I will travelling back in time to make sense of previous events.

When we met until she broke up with her bf

Her name is Camilla (and if you ever find this journal, don't kill me ). We attented the same high school and met through a common friend in 2009 (our first year). What's even scarier was that we lived in the same neighborhood. She was chubby back then, and I didn't find her physically attractive. But she was fun and engaging when we conversed. She was in a long distance relationship with a guy from her boarding school. I was single, hooking up with another girl when I met Camilla, busy with taekwondo besides high school.

Until the breakup with her bf, I had makeout sessions with a couple of girls at high school parties and was text-flirting with someone from taekwondo.

Major events until their breakup

- In late 2009, we were at a high school party where she invited me for a dance. And I'm actually quite ashamed to say this, but I didn't accept her invitation. I declined by saying I'm not really feeling it. But I must have felt like how a hot girl feels when some clumsy, bad looking guy invites her for a dance. The power was in my favor - I was the chooser. It must have been obvious I was rejecting her rather than the dance. I even remember trying to hide my smile.. oh well, no regrets, and it didn't seem to

- Random day spring/summer of 2010. I was bored and wrote a Facebook post asking if someone wanted to join me for a pizza. I had a friend considering it, but then Camilla asked if I was still free, and I said sure, let's go. So we got a pizza and some drinks and talked. We talked about our high school, the other students and stuff.. but what was memorable from that day was that I told her about my ambitions in taekwondo and education, and how I thought people were focusing too much on their social life in our high school --> I was implying that I'm also focusing on the social life, but I also have time to get good grades, exercise regularly and go to tournaments. Some people would say "wow, he's such a jerk/arrogant" while other would say "Who cares about grades and exercises, I only care about network/friends/reputation/socializing". This girl? "Well, he is allowed to state things this way because I perceive him as someone who isn't all empty words. His actions speak for themselves". In her eyes, I was a high value man from this day on. But she has told me recently that my body language backed me up back then (how does she remember it???), and I was demanding her attention with my body language, which she thought was sexy. Let me just say this right away: I dressed HORRIBLY back then. My goodness. Her friend asked her "what do you see in a-jay? He dresses so poorly" and she was like "I don't know!!" but of course she did Clothes never tell the whole story with me, but they say a lot anyway.

After this pizza day she told her bf that she was in love with me, and from this point on I was a threat to him. But I didn't know that. Neither she was in love with me (which was actually an attraction) nor that I was a threat to him. I was completely clueless. And I didn't find out until 1 or 2 years ago.

- Her birthday party in August 2010. Her super sweet 18 - she was finally a fully grown up adult. She had invited her family, bf, closest friends and their boyfriends. And of course, me. I came late because, well, that happens. But I missed both dinner and dessert - bummer! But otherwise it went great. Nothing of particular happened except she made sure that everyone, myself in particular, was enjoying her party. The party was held in a hall in our neighborhood. When everyone had left and the part was over, it was me, her and her bf left. We decided to walk me home first, and then they would get to her apartment afterwards. I thought it had been a great night, but I wonder what her bf thought back then... naaaah, I don't really bother with that

And so in the autumn of 2010 (our second year in high school), I think October, they had their breakup. It happened two days before an upcoming high school party - and you might wonder what happened? Fow now, take a guess

In this post I covered

- Moving slow was not a problem in this context. This post covers 14 months of events. But it would naturally depend on each girl and on the context, which here is high school and her having a bf.

- She thought of me as a high value man because I implied so. However, I was off limit because of her bf

- Girls will give you chances even if you dress poorly. But this also depends on each girl. Some only wants the best dressed guys while other give you a chance even if you dress poorly

To be continued..

 

[Lover]

The current-at-hold, unstable relationship which will probably not exist anymore

"The current-at-hold, unstable relationship which will probably not exist anymore " is probably a better title for this RR as we speak...

You guessed right: we broke up again. And I'm "single" again #saywhat

I really wanted it to end on good terms this time. And so wanted Camilla. But we had different plans for the future, and that led to another miserable break up between us.

Enjoy

Events until today

I have been very busy with school, work and taekwondo lately, so last week I asked her to meet up on Friday to get some food and eat at my place. Something was different about her that evening. Short, awkward responses. When I asked what was up, all she said was that she was going to treat me like an asshole again because she didn't want to emotionally invest a lot and get very little in return. Sure thing... We got to my place, and she told she wanted to tell me something. Finally, I thought... I was waiting for her to tell what was really up. It turned out some guy from her work had asked to see a movie at his place a few days back, and she went there. Apparantly, they did nothing sexual, but she warned me that any day now, it could get serious between them. After telling me that he had wanked because of her, I thought "does this guy have any game..." (stupid of me, you will see later) but anyway, I told her I was glad she had met somebody who could offer her something more stable because I couldn't, and she knew that. She also kept telling me that I was a bad guy, and this guy is good, and he was completely opposite of me and what not... and I would not have my way with her if it got serious.. I was pretty meh about it. We did have sex that night, but that + foreplay was bad.. nothing like what we used to. Well, I made her cum and then she wanted to sleep. I can't blame her, I have been selfish myself. And now she was probably thinking the power was in her hands because she could choose freely whichever guy she wanted. Well, dump me by any means.

She had to get early up Saturday to work and didn't wake me up. Whatever.. but she left a text saying that she was going to date guy tomorrow (Sunday) and see where it was going.

Yesterday I texted her how the date had gone, and she said fine, and her and I had to stop our relationship because she was exclusive with the guy now and really wanted it to work out between them but she hoped we could still be friends for once. I told her let's meet up as soon as possible. She said tomorrow was great, so we set up the meeting at her place..

The break up

I had prepared myself that I could not be friends with her because our sexual chemistry has been so great this last 1½ year. I wanted to remind her of all our good times, and then tell her that because of that, we could not be "friends" or whatever. I was in all secrecy hoping for us to end it, but on good terms, and with an "unfortunately it had to be like this" - because this is the first time we are breaking up while it's going this well between us. But let's look at how it went down..

When I got comfortable at her place, I told her to tell me what's up between them. Well, even though she wanted to take things slow and on her terms, they had already had sex - all the 5 times they did it. She's rubbing in my face that I'm not the only one who gets attention from the opposite sex - even though this is bias from her part because she has always assumed there are other girls in my life (long story short, she assumed this because I didn't want to be monogamous with her). Furthermore, he told her that if it should get serious, neither of them should be seeing anyone besides each other, to which she agreed. She was still hoping we could be friends of course, but I had to stop her right there. Why could we not be friends?

- Because of our sexual chemistry and us being good at flirting with each other. I just want to see her sexually satisfied. But she would just use that to feel desired by me (attention-whoring so to speak)
- Because of her friends already hating me and possibly wanting to create drama or laugh at me for getting beaten by some "good" guy after all this time I "treated her bad" lol. (Her best friend actually told me once that she hoped I would get dumped one day, but I didn't say this)

Her answer?

"You're overreacting! Of course I would never use you to feel validated."

But then I reminded her of that time her ex trying to hook up with her again and how "he could never have me even if he tried". She denied this telling me that it would never happen with me. Yeah right, I just laughed

"Don't laugh! Why would you even want to bang a woman in a relationship? Don't you have any morals?"

Well darling, you're not any woman. You're the one I have had the best sexual connection with, and I'm pretty selfish. But look at yourself, who's being selfish now?

"I have become selfish because of you" ...

This was turning a wrong and unexpected way, and my frame was bad... I tried to tell her that look at all the good times we have.. I want them to become a great memory with a good ending, not another ridiculous argument.. but now, she didn't listen. I didn't acknowledge her as a "friend", and it pissed her off. She stuck to that emotion.

Finally I said "You know what, I have made up my mind. I'm ending this right here and right now" <--------- this turned the table completely, and it was all by accident

"No no no! You're not the one breaking up, I am!"

*I laughed with a smirk unconsciously*

"Don't laugh, it's not funny! Get out of here. Door is that way"

I just stood there for 30 seconds, trying to think of a way to make it better. But I simply couldn't. I accepted my defeat and got out of there.

Afterwards

Since it was 12 PM when I got out of her place, and the sun has begun to shine here and temperature is 7 degree celsius, I decided to use the day outside to get over her as fast as possible. With music in my ears I took my bike and rode to downtown. I walked like crazy and probably with a mad face lol. I was trying to digest the whole thing and accept what just had happened. I was sucking into victim mentality... "no girls will approach me, she is certainly lucky", "it's not fair, I can still provide her the best sex". I took a big ego-hit... my emotions were swaying from left to right... and to some degree, they still are. My emotions were like "I don't know what to do!" even though my brain went "Silly, you know what to do - new girls, NOW".

I came to the conclusion that I'm not what she needs. And hopefully, it's never again.

I have told myself that if I don't want to get stuck in the same old routines (her), I have to ignore her if she ever contacts me again. This breakup, of course, is an ideal way for her to get in touch with me again later on because we have "unfinished business".

The best way to take advantage of the situation is to use the breakup as a springboard to meet new girls (duh) but it will be a huge challenge to even get started because I have never taken responsibility for my sex/dating life like this.. until now, I used GC articles to take responsibility of my social apititude, fundamentals and sex routines.. do I have what it takes to meet new girls? We will see... but I should give my journal a look again to see what things I wanted to change when I made it lol

Thus, I have decided to end this journal. I feel that if I waste more time writing in it, I will miss her. I don't need that.