RR: What's Happening?

[Bboy100]

So there's this girl I've been seeing for a while now
See: viewtopic.php?f=3&t=13295

Ever since we started having sex, we've been seeing each other about twice a week. Usually she just comes over, we fuck, she sleeps over then leaves the next day. Also, I occasionaly took her out to see improv comedy. I never had her meet my friends nor vice versa, never partied with her, avoided almost all relationshippy activities. Also, we had both mutually agreed that this was going to be "nothing serious". This has been going on for about 2 months now. Last time I saw her, there were two things that went differently:

1. I had some ED problems (not sure why). So the sex was pretty bad.

2. This girl has a lot of insecurities. And try as I might, I can never really get her to open up to me about them. She has a lot of self-doubt, she doesn't really see her own attractiveness both physically and otherwise etc. This time, I tried a little harder to get her to talk about them. But she firmly refused. Had I pressed any further, it likely would have escalated to a fight. So I stopped.

After a pause of 10-20 or so seconds, she asks:
Her: Ok so like, what are we?
Me: What do you mean?
Her: I mean like...aren't we just friends who have sex?
Me: Yeah, is that a problem for you?
Her: No, its all good. Its just that I don't understand why you're trying to get to know me so well if that's all we are.
Me: I mean...if you're my friend, I want to know you. Even if we weren't having sex, Id still try to figure these things out about you. I ask all my platonic friends similar questions.

After this, my memory is slightly hazy, so I don't want to directly quote anything. But the gist of it is this: Her concern was that it's pointless for us to talk about these things because we're not in a committed relationship. Also, she assumed (for reasons she doesn't want to tell me) that after summer break started, our relationship would be over. That I had no intention of seeing her once school starts again in the Fall. I reassured her that this is not the case.

Another thing we should note is that we're best friends on snapchat. And that's the only way we communicate cause her cell provider is really bad and she literally doesn't get half my texts lol. Also, up till now, she sent me snapchats almost every day unprompted. After that night, this stopped.

Today, I asked her to hang out again. She's usually free on Mondays (today is Monday), and its been one of our regular days hanging out.
Me: Want to hang out today?
Her: No I can't tonight.
Me: Ok, np. Are you free anytime before you leave for Seattle (She was going on a brief trip to Seattle on Wednesday)
Her: Not really. I have a lot to do.
Me: Ok, np. But just cause of past experience, I feel like I should say this...if something is bothering you, let me know. Even if you think it's dumb. I want there to be open communication between us

[ 2 hours later]

Her: No, everything is fine.


I have a tendency to make negative assumptions and perceive certain things in a negative light even if that's actually very far from reality. So based on this report, I want to hear from you guys...is something going on with this FWB relationship or is it all in my head?

If this girl really is pulling away from me as I suspect, is there anything I can do to get her to open up about what's bothering her?

 

[ProblemSolving]

2. This girl has a lot of insecurities. And try as I might, I can never really get her to open up to me about them. She has a lot of self-doubt, she doesn't really see her own attractiveness both physically and otherwise etc. This time, I tried a little harder to get her to talk about them.

Yeah, I wouldn't try to understand or dwell on these topics unless she brings them up herself. Don't try to fix her unless she asks for it, otherwise just accept her for the way she is.

avoided almost all relationshippy activities.

This is all good if you plan to keep it a casual relationship. I would definitely be doing relationship activities if you wanted something serious.

If this girl really is pulling away from me as I suspect, is there anything I can do to get her to open up about what's bothering her?

Yeah, you pushed her to talk about somethings she didn't want to talk about, so it's understandable why she's not eager to chat again. Not a big deal though, let her cool off, and wait for her to get a hold of you. Don't ever talk about her insecurities again, and just be the fun, cool guy that you were in the beginning.

 

[Bboy100]

Yeah, you pushed her to talk about somethings she didn't want to talk about, so it's understandable why she's not eager to chat again.

Noted. I won't ask girls to tell me anything they're not ready to share from now on. Although in this specific case, I doubt this was an issue because we had this conversation on Thursday, then we chatted sporadically via text and snaps throughout Friday and Saturday. She didn't start giving off the vibe that she's pulling away until maybe Sunday or Monday.

is there anything I can do to get her to open up about what's bothering her?

I'm referring to what's bothering her right now. Because it seems like she's pulling away from me a little bit via the exceptionally long reply times and with the fact that she says she's busy the entire week (this hadn't happened until now, and I know her schedule pretty well...she usually doesn't have much going on Mon/Wed). Although, this is a different week for her cause she's going to Seattle on Wednesday (obviously not something which happens on a weekly basis), so like I said at the start, it's very possible that I'm worrying about nothing.

 

[ProblemSolving]

is there anything I can do to get her to open up about what's bothering her?

Haha you've got to work on your relationship game Daniel-san. You can do what your average guy does with girls that pull away, and chase, chase, chase, which ultimately leads to failure, or you can do what experienced guys do, and do NOTHING.

Today, I asked her to hang out again. She's usually free on Mondays (today is Monday), and its been one of our regular days hanging out.
Me: Want to hang out today?
Her: No I can't tonight.

At this point, I wouldn't have even responded. By responding, you just encourage this cold, aloof behavior. I'd put her on ice for a few days and if she hits you up, great, just continue like you normally would. If she doesn't contact you within the week, then ping her one more time. If she's still aloof, NEVER contact her again.

As you get more experience with relationships, you'll see that girl's emotions can fluctuate wildly (Mostly due to her hormonal cycle), so don't start panicking when they start to pull away a bit - it's normal. Just don't do what every guy is tempted to do in this situation which is to chase her to find out "What's wrong?"

I'll give you an example of a similar situation I had with a FWB that I've been with for years now. I sent her a text asking her if she wanted to come over one night, and she replied, "No I'm good". Now, this is highly unusual since she's usually super reliable and our last time together was enjoyable like always. I had a hunch she was upset because it had been almost 2 weeks since I had last texted her to come over and this was her way of letting me know, so I just let her be, and hit her up a few days later. After that, she agreed to come over and all was forgotten without the need to address the problem.

 

[Bboy100]

Haha you've got to work on your relationship game Daniel-san.

Yeah, this is true. Not including the two I'm in right now, I've only had several other FWB relationships. All of which were pretty short. Most my other lays have been a one night type of thing :/

At this point, I wouldn't have even responded. By responding, you just encourage this cold, aloof behavior.

I could understand that as a general concept, but what if I think she's going into auto-reject or just feels like I'm a player or any other version if "she thinks I don't care about her". Wouldn't ignoring her be counterproductive in a situation like that?

 

[ProblemSolving]

Although in this specific case, I doubt this was an issue because we had this conversation on Thursday, then we chatted sporadically via text and snaps throughout Friday and Saturday. She didn't start giving off the vibe that she's pulling away until maybe Sunday or Monday.

So she was nice and sweet from Thursday to Sunday, then went cold for no reason after that? If that's the case, then it really has nothing to do with you prying into her personal life. With that said, here are the usual suspects of what's occurring at the moment:

- She's bored. I don't know if you're the one initiating all the texts and snaps, but if you are, cut it out immediately. She should be the one trying to get your attention.

- Social Circle Pressure. If her friends all have boyfriends and she only has a guy whom she sleeps with every week, she will feel pressure to get a boyfriend eventually. Some are more susceptible to this depending on her social circle.

- Too Predictable. If you keep doing the same routine every time she comes over it can get predictable and boring which kills attraction.

At this point, I wouldn't have even responded. By responding, you just encourage this cold, aloof behavior.

I could understand that as a general concept, but what if I think she's going into auto-reject or just feels like I'm a player or any other version if "she thinks I don't care about her". Wouldn't ignoring her be counterproductive in a situation like that?

Naw, you have to look at the situation objectively and ask yourself, "Did I do anything that would warrant her not wanting to see me?" If you can answer "No" to that question, then forget about her for a while. Go hit on other chicks who are more receptive. That's the price she has to pay for rejecting your offer.

How often has she been initiating contact with you and how often have you been initiating contact with her? This is the easiest way to see who holds the power in the relationship.

 

[Bboy100]

So she was nice and sweet from Thursday to Sunday, then went cold for no reason after that? If that's the case, then it really has nothing to do with you prying into her personal life. With that said, here are the usual suspects of what's occurring at the moment:

- She's bored. I don't know if you're the one initiating all the texts and snaps, but if you are, cut it out immediately. She should be the one trying to get your attention.

- Social Circle Pressure. If her friends all have boyfriends and she only has a guy whom she sleeps with every week, she will feel pressure to get a boyfriend eventually. Some are more susceptible to this depending on her social circle.

- Too Predictable. If you keep doing the same routine every time she comes over it can get predictable and boring which kills attraction.

I don't know if its the first one. She probably initiates texts/snaps 70% of the time if not more.. However, I'm always the one to ask to hang out. She's not once been the one to initiate an actual meetup.

I doubt it's the second one. She doesn't seem to be the type to be susceptible to all this. But it's certainly a possibility.

The third one is also a maybe. We have been doing mostly the same thing (i.e. we hang out and have sex at my place with the occasional "outing" where we go to the park or watch improv comedy or something). However, since she was a virgin before I met her, I highly doubt it's gotten too boring. She still giggles every time we have sex, and when I ask her why, she says its cause this is still all really new and out of the ordinary to her.

Naw, you have to look at the situation objectively and ask yourself, "Did I do anything that would warrant her not wanting to see me?" If you can answer "No" to that question, then forget about her for a while.

This is one of my biggest sticking points. I have no realistic idea o what would "warrant her not seeing me". Not only with this girl, but with girls in general. I'm just clueless when it comes to balancing attainability and attraction.

Like I said, she has a lot of insecurities. Every time I see her, she always tells me how cute I am and literally asks me "why do you hang out with me" and other questions of the like. So with her, it kinda feels like she's always at the edge of auto-rejection, even when I'm doing nothing at all.

This weekend, I went partying a lot. Unlike usual, I took a lot of snapchats of it, and most my friends are girls. So I'm afraid I may have tanked attainability even more when she saw me in pictures and videos with a bunch of girls. At the same time though, she already kind of knows that I have a lot of girl friends, and she doesn't seem to mind. So this could all be in my head.

How often has she been initiating contact with you and how often have you been initiating contact with her?

All things considered, she probably contacted me a lot more than I did her. But ever since I posted this thread, we haven't talked at all.

 

[ProblemSolving]

She probably initiates texts/snaps 70% of the time if not more.. However, I'm always the one to ask to hang out. She's not once been the one to initiate an actual meetup.

Yeah the more she initiates the better. It doesn't matter if you initiate all the meet ups, so no problems there.

This weekend, I went partying a lot. Unlike usual, I took a lot of snapchats of it, and most my friends are girls. So I'm afraid I may have tanked attainability even more when she saw me in pictures and videos with a bunch of girls. At the same time though, she already kind of knows that I have a lot of girl friends, and she doesn't seem to mind. So this could all be in my head.

Haha if I had to put money on it, then this is the source of your problems. A lot of girls will be okay with a FWB situation as long as your philandering isn't thrown in their face. Think about how'd you feel if she was posting a bunch of pics and vids partying with other guys. I don't know about you, but I'd be looking to get laid with another chick ASAP even if she was just a FWB. She doesn't sound like the type to venge fuck another guy to put you in your place, so she's just being cold and aloof so you get the hint.

Ping her when she gets back from Seattle and tell her you want to take her to go do whatever you BOTH like to do - not just straight over to your place. Have a good time and show her a good time in bed. Don't apologize and don't try to figure out what's wrong.

 

[Bboy100]

A lot of girls will be okay with a FWB situation as long as your philandering isn't thrown in their face.

I mean...she posts vids of her with guys reletively often. But I know she's not fucking any of them. Plus, she met a few of the girls at my birthday party (where I first met her). And she's seen plenty of pictures of me with them before. So I doubt she thinks i'm having sex with them. But yeah, I get the point. This is definitely a concern of mine too. Today she posted a snap of some dude as well lol. And he's the first one I've seen who looks kind of edgy/like he could be attractive.

Ping her when she gets back from Seattle and tell her you want to take her to go do whatever you BOTH like to do - not just straight over to your place. Have a good time and show her a good time in bed. Don't apologize and don't try to figure out what's wrong.

Ok, I'll try this.

I'd be looking to get laid with another chick ASAP

Yeah, that's what I've been trying to do the past few days ahaha. I got two phone numbers from Day game today, and both of them look pretty solid, so they'll probably turn into dates. Hoping to get another one from my yoga class later today. That's the bright side of all this. I've been feeling pretty shitty when I'm at home alone this week. When I'm day gaming or otherwise socializing, I seem to feel a lot better. So I'm much more motivated to go out than I normally am haha.