Socializing Running off from a new wingman to accompany a girl

[Atlas IV]

This is just a lesson in what not to do.

Yesterday I accidentally screwed things up with a friend (not a super close friend but a useful one nonetheless) by assuming the PUA mindset with someone who isn't really into it.

I met this guy through a daygamer friend of mine, one who I can actually talk PUA with. Him and I picked up a lot of girls together. But he went back to his home country, so I ended up spending more time with a mutual friend of ours, a guy who he met in his condo building. Although this guy isn't into PUA, he definitely spends a lot of time focused on girls (mainly through Tinder which to his credit he does get good results).

We've hung out a few times and I've talked a bit about PUA, but never got the sense that he was really interested in it, although he did join us for daygame sessions a couple of times. He seemed open to exploring it more.

Anyway, I came back to town and hit him up - "Sauna/daygame sometime?" We agreed to get dinner at an outdoor market (which often has lots of hot girls) then go to the sauna afterwards. I sent a voice message saying that we could do some cold approaches too. In my mind this was gonna be a "pickup/sauna" hangout session.

After we ate and spent about an hour and a half together catching up, we then got motorcycle taxis to the sauna. His arrived first.

As I was waiting for mine, an insanely hot girl walked past. I went and opened her, and she was extremely receptive. She implied that she was free now and open to an instadate, and I saw a definite SDL in the cards.

I had to take the shot. If I didn't, I'd be at the sauna thinking "what if I could have banged that hot girl tonight?" I knew we were only going to hang out at the sauna for another hour then head home anyway.

I texted my friend a photo of her from behind and said "I'm sorry man, I have to take this one. She's so hot". (I didn't actually get her unfortunately)

In my mind I was thinking "surely he'll understand and be supportive", especially since we were just talking so much about girls and game. With my daygamer friend (through whom I met this guy) we did this sort of thing all the time - we'd be hanging out, one of us sees an opportunity, and we'd disappear for a bit to reconnect later or another time. Same with the PUA guys I met in China. No big deal.

Nope, he was pissed. To him, the purpose of our meeting up was for the sauna, and thought it was weird that I left for an instadate.

I admitted that it was a blunder and I shouldn't have done that, but he didn't accept my apologies via text and doesn't seem to want to forgive me at all. So I guess that's the end of this connection.

This was definitely 100% my fault. I misinterpreted this as being a "male bonding + pickup" activity when really to him it was just a "male bonding" activity.

Why did I think like that? Probably I've been hanging out too much with PUA guys and am still in that mindset (basically 2 weeks of gaming non-stop with a group of PUAs I met in another city). I forget that most guys don't think like us, and I made the mistake of carrying the mindset over to someone who doesn't share it.

I also know he's a stubborn guy, and have seen that he's very competitive. He seems to think PUA is a bit of a joke, and is always bragging about the cute girls he's banging from Tinder, so maybe deep down he holds a bit of resentment against me in that regard.

Mainly just disappointed in myself that I made the wrong call.

I'm constantly trying to reinforce in myself the PUA mindset of "take every opportunity". However, I also need to keep this separate with guys who aren't so into it, even if the main thing we talk about together is girls.

Edit: Called him and smoothed things over. He understands where I was coming from. Probably won't hang out much again, but at least we have some resolution.

 

[Skills]

Causation correlation More of communication and misunderstanding issue

 

[Atlas IV]

Causation correlation More of communication and misunderstanding issue

Yes.

Actually mods you can just delete this thread. Just a dumb faux pas I committed that I was frustrating over unnecessarily. Didn't need to share it with the forum.

 

[the player of games]

Yes.

Actually mods you can just delete this thread. Just a dumb faux pas I committed that I was frustrating over unnecessarily. Didn't need to share it with the forum.

I don't think it was a faux pas at all. The guy likes girls just like you. Bros before hos but we all understand that we have to take the shot when the opportunity arises.

I made a friend in the foreign country in which I'm now living. We agreed to meet up for coffee after initial encounter outside a language exchange. He texts to cancel a few hours beforehand saying he's got a shot at this Russian chick he's just met so he's going to cancel on me and hopes I understand. I laugh and say go for it. We rearrange for another time.

I actually think you are getting closer to the mark when you say he's very competitive. It takes a special set of balls to cold approach. You can enter his world (Tinder) but he can't enter your world (cold approach), at least not very easily. I think that's what's pissing him off.

Actually mods you can just delete this thread. Just a dumb faux pas I committed that I was frustrating over unnecessarily. Didn't need to share it with the forum.

I don't think it's dumb nor do I think it didn't need to be shared. You felt it. It pissed you off so you shared it, even though you might not feel pissed off anymore. It's part of the lifestyle. It all adds to our accumulated knowledge and experience. It might help someone in a similar situation in future.

 

[Atlas IV]

I actually think you are getting closer to the mark when you say he's very competitive. It takes a special set of balls to cold approach. You can enter his world (Tinder) but he can't enter your world (cold approach), at least not very easily. I think that's what's pissing him off.

Yeah, he knows I've pulled hot girls on same day lays before from cold approach, so I'm sure that's a factor.

I'd be happy to direct him to GirlsChase and the forum if he wanted to learn how, but seems some guys are kinda stubborn about learning PUA, especially if they're already getting decent results from online.

I don't think it's dumb nor do I think it didn't need to be shared. You felt it. It pissed you off so you shared it, even though you might not feel pissed off anymore. It's part of the lifestyle. It all adds to our accumulated knowledge and experience. It might help someone in a similar situation in future.

Thanks for the perspective. I appreciate it.

 

[Chase]

@Atlas IV,

Sorry that happened. But yeah, I agree with @Skills -- miscommunication -- and also @the player of games -- it's a post worth having.

When you're on high momentum and you've been around other guys on high momentum you sort of get plugged into the unspoken code that "if one of us hooks a hot girl we're going to run off and pursue that." No one takes it personal because we all know that's how it is.

But if you're with a guy who's not used to that, even if you've talked with game with him a bit, he can be in that mentality of, "We are getting together to hang out / we are going to chill and do something fun together," etc. If you run off, and it was just you meeting him, he ends up going, "WTF dude! I thought we were hanging out!"

IMO, you shouldn't ditch a dude your first time meeting him, or first time in a while, unless he's really down or encouraging you or what have you, "Go get it, man! I'll catch up with you later!"

Sounds like you'd been hanging out with this guy semi-regularly though.

So in that case you just need to talk to him: "Hey man, I'm a little girl-crazy right now and if I hook one who's really cute I may try to see where it goes with her. Please don't take it personal if I have to run off."

(other thing I would say here: I think you sensed that this guy wasn't highly into PUA, which is why it became "sauna/day game?" and not just "DAY GAME???!" If you're having to seduce a dude into going out gaming with you, basic assumption should be he'll probably feel bad about being left alone. What I will do in those situations is try to find two sets so I can throw a girl at the guy, then hopefully he hooks her and everyone is happy. That or you just stick to friendly-social outings with the guy, with some light approaches you just take numbers from if they go well, and keep the hardcore pickup for when you're out solo)

Chase

 

[Atlas IV]

When you're on high momentum and you've been around other guys on high momentum you sort of get plugged into the unspoken code that "if one of us hooks a hot girl we're going to run off and pursue that." No one takes it personal because we all know that's how it is.

Yes, that's exactly it. I was very much in "high momentum PUA" mode (and perhaps feeling a little competitive because he'd just been talking about his two cute "wifeys" that he met from Tinder). I assumed that since we'd already basically caught up by then, he wouldn't mind me peeling off to pursue a hot lead.

On a primal level, the "urge to reproduce" part of my brain overrode the "prioritise the tribe" part of my brain. I guess the reason I had such a visceral reaction over this is because we're hardwired to prioritize these two things for our survival.

In prehistoric times, risking ostracisation from the tribe for pursuing a female would mean likely death.

(other thing I would say here: I think you sensed that this guy wasn't highly into PUA, which is why it became "sauna/day game?" and not just "DAY GAME???!" If you're having to seduce a dude into going out gaming with you, basic assumption should be he'll probably feel bad about being left alone. What I will do in those situations is try to find two sets so I can throw a girl at the guy, then hopefully he hooks her and everyone is happy. That or you just stick to friendly-social outings with the guy, with some light approaches you just take numbers from if they go well, and keep the hardcore pickup for when you're out solo)

Thanks Chase, that's a good framework. Next time I should think more carefully about the basis of our relationship.

1. High momentum PUA with the unspoken bro-code? -> go for it (but let him know)

2. Daygame wing and we're on a daygame outing together? -> check that it's okay with him first, go for it, keep him in the loop

3. Buddy who likes girls but isn't really a PUA? -> either make it a two-set or just get her number and follow up later

 

[Chase]

@Atlas IV,

Oh, lol, yeah, dudes getting all their chicks off apps are not going to understand you running off to meet a girl in the flesh.

That is just outside his reality. For him, hanging out with a bro and pipelining women are separate. He does his swiping during downtime, then goes and hangs with his bro. Maybe he is doing some messaging or something but he is still physically present. You running off to chase after a girl is just going to feel like you ditching to him.

Just remember you can always make it up to this guy:

"Hey man, sorry to run off on you the other day, guess I'm a little girl crazy right now. Let me make it up to you. Sauna's on me this time."

That's if you really want to though... I mean, assuming this guy has some redeeming friendship value.

Doesn't really sound like he's much of an asset with women...

Chase

 

[isildur1]

Don’t see anything you did wrong- you approached a hot girl and got a date isn’t the whole point of the men’s self development and dating community to get more dates? Can’t be mad at someone for getting results

and women are impulsive when you get the hooks and opportunities you gotta go for them because their lust for you can pass pretty easily- moments were I’ve hesitated or not acted quickly I’ve lost many opportunities

Maybe he’s lacking experience or too reliant on apps to know these important truths .

 

[isildur1]

If anything he should be happy he actually has a proactive wing - I’d say 80-90 percent of wingmen procrastinate excessively and live in their heads instead of doing the sets and doing the work ( I say this as a person who’s procrastinated a lot in the past)