- Joined
- Sep 23, 2014
- Messages
- 189
Alpha101,
I've slept with girls on first dates in parks, in public bathrooms, alleys, trees, underground tunnels, and more, so I'll see if I can't field this one and help you identify what's really the problem.
Obviously the problem is not that you don't have a house to go to. People have sex in public all the time, as it can be an exciting adventure, breaking social norms.
It's not that Toronto is cold, because, for one thing, it's summer.
It's also not just about your sexy frame, though you are right in identifying that as likely part of the problem. You would be better off being more polarizing. You'll scare some girls away acting this awy, but the ones that do hook will hook a lot harder.
You know what probably is: it's about how you deal with resistance. You seemed to feel guilty about not having your own place when she asked about it. A better strategy would have been to say "sure thing", and then lead her over to a different patch of grass, give her a wry grin, invite her to take off her shoes and get comfortable, then continue escalating.
Another way to avoid this type of resistance that may be a bit too advanced for you, but something to think about, is simply to skip fingering and all that jazz and just get to penetrative sex ASAP. I don't want to get into the psychology behind this right now, but basically it cuts down on time she'll be dithering and overrides her expectations and meta-scripts. Remember, there're so many more variables at play when you're in public than in private, all of which increase the chances that things off course for good. So even if you don't skip all the stuff she lets you get away with skipping, it's still extremely important that you MOVE FASTER.
It's amazing how fast you can move. The last time I had sex in public it was with a girl from Tinder who I'd only been talking to for an hour. It wasn't even very "on". I just noticed windows and made bold moves, and we both were very happy with how things turned out.
Yet another strategy is to get her to state her resistance directly. Make her verbalize the problem, so then you can deconstruct it for her and show her why it's ungrounded. The tricky part here is doing this in a way that doesn't kill the tension, come off as adversarial, and also escalates things further -- turning her on by deftly handling her resistance.
TL;DR
My main point of criticism is that you let her resistance slide without reframing it as silly and cute (like by making a joke out of it) or making it clear that you're in control and this is simply where you feel like shagging right now. You seem to have just let her resistance hang, more or less, which validated it for her -- for unless a frame is redressed promptly, a person will accept the most immediately appealing reality, which in this case was her unstated one of "private sex would feel safer than public sex right now". You must sell her the idea that no, public sex right here right right now is NOT too high investment, and it not only is worth it, it in fact is a once in a life time opportunity.
Howell
I've slept with girls on first dates in parks, in public bathrooms, alleys, trees, underground tunnels, and more, so I'll see if I can't field this one and help you identify what's really the problem.
Obviously the problem is not that you don't have a house to go to. People have sex in public all the time, as it can be an exciting adventure, breaking social norms.
It's not that Toronto is cold, because, for one thing, it's summer.
It's also not just about your sexy frame, though you are right in identifying that as likely part of the problem. You would be better off being more polarizing. You'll scare some girls away acting this awy, but the ones that do hook will hook a lot harder.
You know what probably is: it's about how you deal with resistance. You seemed to feel guilty about not having your own place when she asked about it. A better strategy would have been to say "sure thing", and then lead her over to a different patch of grass, give her a wry grin, invite her to take off her shoes and get comfortable, then continue escalating.
Another way to avoid this type of resistance that may be a bit too advanced for you, but something to think about, is simply to skip fingering and all that jazz and just get to penetrative sex ASAP. I don't want to get into the psychology behind this right now, but basically it cuts down on time she'll be dithering and overrides her expectations and meta-scripts. Remember, there're so many more variables at play when you're in public than in private, all of which increase the chances that things off course for good. So even if you don't skip all the stuff she lets you get away with skipping, it's still extremely important that you MOVE FASTER.
It's amazing how fast you can move. The last time I had sex in public it was with a girl from Tinder who I'd only been talking to for an hour. It wasn't even very "on". I just noticed windows and made bold moves, and we both were very happy with how things turned out.
Yet another strategy is to get her to state her resistance directly. Make her verbalize the problem, so then you can deconstruct it for her and show her why it's ungrounded. The tricky part here is doing this in a way that doesn't kill the tension, come off as adversarial, and also escalates things further -- turning her on by deftly handling her resistance.
TL;DR
My main point of criticism is that you let her resistance slide without reframing it as silly and cute (like by making a joke out of it) or making it clear that you're in control and this is simply where you feel like shagging right now. You seem to have just let her resistance hang, more or less, which validated it for her -- for unless a frame is redressed promptly, a person will accept the most immediately appealing reality, which in this case was her unstated one of "private sex would feel safer than public sex right now". You must sell her the idea that no, public sex right here right right now is NOT too high investment, and it not only is worth it, it in fact is a once in a life time opportunity.
Howell
