Socializing SEEKING VALIDATION : The elephant in the room

[ljrozz69]

A few days ago I was reading about what are common rookie mistakes since I am (still) a newb.
The advice was very practical, like don't talk too fast, don't laugh at your own jokes, don't lean in etc.

So I concluded that those were tips to stop obvious validation seeking and overly non-threatening behaviors. While searching for more info, I haven't found much about validation... and it seems a bit fundamental in human behavior. I've just found self-help blogs and articles where the advice stops at : "STOP SEEKING VALIDATION" and don't tell you why or how. So I am confused... maybe I haven't searched too well after all or maybe its a hot topic... but it is indeed important!

But why do ppl tend to seek validation so much?
Is it the way they tend to do it which is wrong or do in fact everyone seek validation but more socially attuned individuals do it in a better (non obvious) way?

I guess it is some kind of spectrum where on one side there is being needy and the other one there is acting too cool for school, and that there is some sort of optimal point.

I've also noticed that the validation you receive is not always of the same quality. Getting a random compliment from a stranger is not the same as getting one from someone you deeply respect. I guess it is what determines social status. I also guess, that this is the reason why one may want frame one-self as an authority figure when meeting girls.
I also guess, bonding with someone is some sort of validation feedback.

How this behavior evolves after progression socially?
How can I go back to acting less "too cool for school"?
How can we use it to our advantage?

Thanks for your help,
Klimax

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@Klimax dude! Every body likes validation, it's approval in some form. Girls that are attracted to you validate you, girls chasing you validate you, someone giving you a compliment validates you. The idea is to not seek approval/validation because this is low status. If you know you're cool you don't need over people to approve, this is why assuming attraction works with girls it puts you in a better mind frame that they already like you.

The obvious validation seeking comes across as needy, it's also emotionally fueled and that you seem insecure which isn't attractive. Again girls like confident guys. The irony in this is that confidence breeds confidence. If you approached 10 girls back to back and they all told you to fuck off ya wouldn't feel good approaching the next, if they were all warm and friendly you wouldn't be scared to approach another because you're so confident about it.

Flipping this to when you're given validation, if a girl pays you a compliment and you pass it off as whatever I don't care she doesn't feel appreciated. If a girl is going to validate you, you should reward this effort which validates her validation. It creates a good feedback loop which encourages this behaviour. You can break this loop later but that's something else when using push pull.

The behaviour evolves socially because the more validation you get the more you're accustomed to it. This in turn creates positive reference points and this gives you confidence. The more confident and content you are the less you care. The dude that hasn't kissed a girl yet is more excited about hanging out with a girl a lot more than the guy who's got 5 girls in rotation.... this is where abundance mentality comes in.

To cool for school how dude? If you're not talking to fast and not leaning into girls and the other rookie mistakes you're not seen to be seeking validation but this doesn't stop you being validated and looking for it in other ways. It's about being receptive and rewarding her investment. This doesn't mean dismiss all attention and attraction dude.

This is naturally used to your advantage by assuming attraction, having an abundance mindset, fixing your posture and other fundamentals and changing your inner game to a positive one if it's negative. Instantly fixing your fundamentals will improve your results being less outcome independent will put you in a better place mentally, this will correct any investment seeking behaviour you have.

Using the fact that girls seek validation to your advantage is also a technique in itself. You don't over invest or validate them, your attention is harder to earn. This again paints you as high value and high status. Everything works together dude!

 

[ljrozz69]

Hey flux!
Thanks for your reply, it clarified a few things and explained a few other I didn't understood!

If I understood correctly -otherwise let me know- , it can be simplified in two categories of behaviour: active validation seeking and passive. The former is low-status whereas the latter is not. One should reward validation in order to create a positive loop. Getting validated builds confidance which is going to be useful to not engage in active validation seeking behaviour. Instead of doing that it is better to work on fundamentals/inner game. It is also a technique that I can use to portray myself as high status.

To cool for school how dude? If you're not talking to fast and not leaning into girls and the other rookie mistakes you're not seen to be seeking validation but this doesn't stop you being validated and looking for it in other ways. It's about being receptive and rewarding her investment. This doesn't mean dismiss all attention and attraction dude.

I sometimes struggle while socializing because I find most ppl uninteressant - they don't share any of my interest and they are not fun by themselves-. I don't know if there is something wrong about me or this is normal, but I oftentimes adopt the behavior of "not giving a fuck'.

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@Klimax dude! Yeah you understood it correctly, on rewarding their validation to create a positive loop it rewards and encourages that behaviour, you can link this to any behaviour, reward what you like this validates them when they do it. It means you can ignore it later on occasionally which makes them think what happened? Didn't he notice? They'll then work harder for that reward. I don't recommend doing this until they're really invested and you're confident enough in doing it, it's something to think of if you've seen a girl regularly.

Finding people uninteresting might be them if you meet incredibly boring people, it might be you if you're very niche and only find really strange things interesting so it's hard to say. You'll have a better idea of this dude but either way it's a sticking point. It depends where you are in location and in the seduction/seduction approach about this. If this happens in deep dives lead the conversation better, ask about what interests you and if nothing does think of it as information grabbing.

She will feel more connected to you, the more you know about her. They key is to get her talking and be interested in finding this stuff out. If she really is boring because she has no life experience maybe you need to carry this a little more, but again let her talk.

You can entertain yourself with this, there's a thread on tactics and techniques or maybe on the advanced board at the moment about tone of voice (bacchus, carousel and skills all have contributed I can't recall if op was bacchus or carousel) but it mentions different voice tones you can use. I have a playful tone that I use as if I'm talking to a child where everything is amazing to them so I question and play along more or less repeating what they say as a question and get them talking more.

Jokingly over dramatise it as well, she tells you that she hates Jenny because Jenny has the same shoes as her but she had them first. It's boring, it's total nonsense, you don't give a fuck, but you entertain her oh no!? She didn't. What a bitch. I hate Jenny. She'll tell you're playing but that's cool dude.

Another tip is to get them talking about what they're passionate about. If they're passionate it'll feel more emotional to them and you get them feeling which creates a stronger connection

 

[trashKENNUT]

But why do ppl tend to seek validation so much?
Is it the way they tend to do it which is wrong or do in fact everyone seek validation but more socially attuned individuals do it in a better (non obvious) way?

It is the purpose of your existence, at least according to your beliefs, and to the tribe that you have surround yourself, by default (family, friends, relatives, schoolmates)

and then later on social circles (from many places that you have interacted with)

Sidenote: Why most men give up on pickup or anything they love that they eventually resent or keep it very low profile, is that they seek validation from the 'default tribe'.

I guess it is some kind of spectrum where on one side there is being needy and the other one there is acting too cool for school, and that there is some sort of optimal point.

Sidenote: There's a nuance in this. You have to be able to discern.
An example: if you are hanging on the end of the cliff, me acting like i'm cool, will get bombard from the society around me. The key here is "Read" the tribe/society around you, their values systems. The one providing the most value, at least according to them, is the moral compass per se.

That "value" can range from money to validation to anything else.

 

[ljrozz69]

it might be you if you're very niche and only find really strange things interesting so it's hard to say. You'll have a better idea of this dude but either way it's a sticking point. It depends where you are in location and in the seduction/seduction approach about this. If this happens in deep dives lead the conversation better, ask about what interests you and if nothing does think of it as information grabbing.

I used to be very niche, and I still am but now I can do smooth small talk about any topic. Your solution is good, however interacting while bored and having to act up feels extremely draining to me...

 

[Fluxcapacitor]

@Klimax dude! You don't have to act up, you just need to lead it where you want it and jump on exciting topics. If non presented then self amuse. Don't self amuse on touchy subjects if she's really opened up about her dreams you can tease slightly but don't bust her completely. This is something to reward, you can reward with touch... use non verbals. A good look, a good touch you might forget about what she's talking about completely.

Do you like her jewellery? If you're distracted by something that gives you better scope cut threads and ask about her jewellery.

Sticking to teasing cut her off in a calibrated manner and call her a dork, geek, nerd. If she's giving you generic shit tease her on it, oh I bet you love unicorns too. This is a bit of a cold read which you can cut threads with clearly unicorns is a wild one but if they're talking about puppies and rainbows it's called for :')