Self ejecting and self sabotage.

[killerman]

Something is really bugging me these days and it's that i can't stop self sabotaging. As I cut down on my body fat and getting leaner and more chiselled more and more girls are looking at me in the gym. It's crazy. Yesterday I caught some girl glancing in my direction as I was doing some deadlifts and then today after finishing some bicep curls I noticed the same girl to my right proper staring at me again. So some clear IOI's yet again. So decided to open her. And this is what's frustrating me, I think I suck at conversation. Maybe it's because it's in the gym and a different kind of environment and I'm not used to opening girls who give me warm invitations, only cold approaches. During the conversation she seemed really nice and open to my approach, but I got really nervous and self conscious and self ejected out of the conversation pretty quick, after about 30 seconds. It was going well, I asked for her name, she asked me straight away for mine and seemed pretty warm but for some reason I decided to bail. I never used to get this anxious when doing cold approaches, but for some reason now I'm concentrating on doing girls who give me approach invitations I'm self sabotaging, exiting conversations too soon and getting nervous. Why is this? Is it because I'm new to this sort of game or do I need to work on conversation? To be honest in the past I always used to go for the number pretty quick, always moving fast but maybe I'm discovering holes in my game and that it's that I need to work on my conversation skills. Anybody else encountered this?

 

[Derek da man]

I think what you're discovering is the pressure of holding sexual tension in a new conversation when you are already emotionally invested, which means the risk reward thing is much greater. You've emotionally invested purely on the fact that you've decided to accept her IOI and have said hello. It's small, but very much an investment.

With cold approach, and I'm no cold approach expert, you open the conversation and are therefore taking the lead of which you have control and usually some kind of plan in terms of what you will say/ask and how you'll progress the conversation. You've opened the engagement and are therefore needing to maintain her attention before she moves on.

When you've had an IOI she has set the invitation for you to come speak to her, which you've then accepted. Because she opened the invitation that means you are accepting and need to be much more responsive to her to maintain that attention, ie you need to listen to her responses to retain that engagement. This kind of engagement puts a whole different level of pressure on you as the engagement needs to be much more related to her responses than you can get away with under day game.

Holding sexual tension is quite a challenge to start with as you tend to feel that gaps in conversation need to be filled, which in effect breaks the tension, rather than just holding eye contact and smiling a bit longer. Remember that when you approach our "fight or flight" response is active and we have a heightened level of adrenaline in our system which means that our brains see a small time gap as much longer than it really is, hence we try and avoid an awkward silence when actually it's just a moment to enjoy that excitement of talking to a new sexy girl.

There's a good article on holding sexual tension that was linked to on here. I can't find the link now but if you Google "60 Years Of Challenge - Complete Game Revision System pdf" you will be able to find it and download it.

 

[Calibration]

Something is really bugging me these days and it's that i can't stop self sabotaging. As I cut down on my body fat and getting leaner and more chiselled more and more girls are looking at me in the gym. It's crazy. Yesterday I caught some girl glancing in my direction as I was doing some deadlifts and then today after finishing some bicep curls I noticed the same girl to my right proper staring at me again. So some clear IOI's yet again. So decided to open her. And this is what's frustrating me, I think I suck at conversation. Maybe it's because it's in the gym and a different kind of environment and I'm not used to opening girls who give me warm invitations, only cold approaches. During the conversation she seemed really nice and open to my approach, but I got really nervous and self conscious and self ejected out of the conversation pretty quick, after about 30 seconds. It was going well, I asked for her name, she asked me straight away for mine and seemed pretty warm but for some reason I decided to bail. I never used to get this anxious when doing cold approaches, but for some reason now I'm concentrating on doing girls who give me approach invitations I'm self sabotaging, exiting conversations too soon and getting nervous. Why is this? Is it because I'm new to this sort of game or do I need to work on conversation? To be honest in the past I always used to go for the number pretty quick, always moving fast but maybe I'm discovering holes in my game and that it's that I need to work on my conversation skills. Anybody else encountered this?

Yes, it's normal. It's normal specially after I've taken a break for sometime and get back to cold-approach. Don't beat yourself up. Just keep approaching and you'll get used to sexual tension.

You could try anchoring. People have different strategies to do that like, visualizing their feet getting rooted to the ground when you're in a conversation, being aware of your body, practicing not to eject until she ejects or paying attention to something else like eye-contact. Telling yourself that you'll not prematurely eject until there's no eye-contact anymore.

 

[DarkKnight]

This is simply feeling social pressure there are multiple articles about this. Basically it is a feeling that you are doing something that you are not allowed to do and you feel judged for it. People try to exit conversations in order to be "polite" in other words not break social code.

 

[Will_V]

Something is really bugging me these days and it's that i can't stop self sabotaging. As I cut down on my body fat and getting leaner and more chiselled more and more girls are looking at me in the gym. It's crazy. Yesterday I caught some girl glancing in my direction as I was doing some deadlifts and then today after finishing some bicep curls I noticed the same girl to my right proper staring at me again. So some clear IOI's yet again. So decided to open her. And this is what's frustrating me, I think I suck at conversation. Maybe it's because it's in the gym and a different kind of environment and I'm not used to opening girls who give me warm invitations, only cold approaches. During the conversation she seemed really nice and open to my approach, but I got really nervous and self conscious and self ejected out of the conversation pretty quick, after about 30 seconds. It was going well, I asked for her name, she asked me straight away for mine and seemed pretty warm but for some reason I decided to bail. I never used to get this anxious when doing cold approaches, but for some reason now I'm concentrating on doing girls who give me approach invitations I'm self sabotaging, exiting conversations too soon and getting nervous. Why is this? Is it because I'm new to this sort of game or do I need to work on conversation? To be honest in the past I always used to go for the number pretty quick, always moving fast but maybe I'm discovering holes in my game and that it's that I need to work on my conversation skills. Anybody else encountered this?

I've experienced being way more anxious from warm approaches rather than cold ones. In my case it was a mentality thing: it was very difficult at first to start cold approaching girls so I learned to enjoy the fact that everything was up to me and the chance of rejection was high, it made me feel more in control. Whenever a girl showed interest in me I felt less in control.

I don't think this is a great mindset although it has its benefits when you're throwing yourself out there and dealing with loads of rejections. But later on it becomes a hindrance.

The best way to deal with this imo is becoming more calm and relaxed and enjoying letting the girl make you feel good, and just satisfying yourself in being the prize. Being in relationships taught me a lot about this as well and how giving girls some of the control can end up getting her a lot more invested. And meditation as always helps in managing these kind of emotional fixations and changing habits.

Might not be your issue but hope this helps.

 

[killerman]

I've experienced being way more anxious from warm approaches rather than cold ones. In my case it was a mentality thing: it was very difficult at first to start cold approaching girls so I learned to enjoy the fact that everything was up to me and the chance of rejection was high, it made me feel more in control. Whenever a girl showed interest in me I felt less in control.

I don't think this is a great mindset although it has its benefits when you're throwing yourself out there and dealing with loads of rejections. But later on it becomes a hindrance.

The best way to deal with this imo is becoming more calm and relaxed and enjoying letting the girl make you feel good, and just satisfying yourself in being the prize. Being in relationships taught me a lot about this as well and how giving girls some of the control can end up getting her a lot more invested. And meditation as always helps in managing these kind of emotional fixations and changing habits.

Might not be your issue but hope this helps.

That's interesting (and reassuring). So you're saying it's normal to be more anxious when doing warm approaches than cold ones? Maybe because of the fact that the girl already likes you so you feel the pressure to succeed with her, and also it's an environment where you could be seen by others and you see the same people in the gym regularly. That this is a common thing? Will take your advice, from now on will just enjoy talking to the girl and suck in the validation.

 

[Will_V]

That's interesting (and reassuring). So you're saying it's normal to be more anxious when doing warm approaches than cold ones? Maybe because of the fact that the girl already likes you so you feel the pressure to succeed with her, and also it's an environment where you could be seen by others and you see the same people in the gym regularly. That this is a common thing? Will take your advice, from now on will just enjoy talking to the girl and suck in the validation.

Something like that, probably also a bit of a defense mechanism. There was one girl I really regretted messing up with, was the receptionist at the gym and always gave me loads of interest. I talked to her but struggled with my frame. I was broke and not in the best state and was used to just keeping everyone at arms length while I fought my battles, so I guess she made me self conscious in a way. Whereas I could go out and game because that felt like a form of pushing back against my situation.

Just one of those psychological thingos we learn from.

 

[Police dog]

I've experienced being way more anxious from warm approaches rather than cold ones.

I actually have very similar symptoms. Think of this as of a job interview, when you just spam you resume on LinkedIn or Dice and talk to recruiters you don’t feel nervous at all because there are plenty other opportunities but when you are invited to an actual on site interview you are much more nervous because it doesn’t happen often and you are really afraid to fuck up; same goes for warm approaches - they happen much less frequently than the cold ones, so you feel more nervous to not let this opportunity slip.

 

[killerman]

Something like that, probably also a bit of a defense mechanism. There was one girl I really regretted messing up with, was the receptionist at the gym and always gave me loads of interest. I talked to her but struggled with my frame. I was broke and not in the best state and was used to just keeping everyone at arms length while I fought my battles, so I guess she made me self conscious in a way. Whereas I could go out and game because that felt like a form of pushing back against my situation.

Just one of those psychological thingos we learn from.

Well I did an approach in the gym today. Much better. Was able to hold eye contact and it ended up being a real convo. She's got a boyfriend, but no biggie. I'm just happy I was able to get a good conversation and not get anxious like usual. Like it went really well. Girl was sexy as hell. No anxiety giving the compliment, paid attention to my voice as I said it so I didn't come across as sounding monotone. A complete difference to the other day. I think I've had a change of mindset.